A thread for parents?
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My person is my 16yr old son and we had knock end of last July for something from when he was 15. Like you I feel my story is different in ways because it's my child and ge's a child himself. I'm suffering terrible mum guilt and because we've no idea exactly what it is I'm thinking how can I protect him and his younger brother now.
I've put every security and age restriction on every device but wish I'd done this before. My son was never one for social media but ended up with snapchat during school for a school project. I wish I'd said no. I wish the restrictions were in place before.
My son's had breakdowns and blamed me for not protecting him. I know he doesn't mean what he says but I wish I had protected him more, I wish the Internet and smartphones were never a thing. We know he's reported to snapchat several times and we know whatever he reported did violate the rules. He won't go into details what it was other than he said iioc. That brings again guilt because if I hadn't agreed to snapchat he would never have got that and then raises questions who sent it him.
I worry for the future, how it will impact his A levels and time at college. I worry about every possible scenario despite believing he's innocent.
I've put every security and age restriction on every device but wish I'd done this before. My son was never one for social media but ended up with snapchat during school for a school project. I wish I'd said no. I wish the restrictions were in place before.
My son's had breakdowns and blamed me for not protecting him. I know he doesn't mean what he says but I wish I had protected him more, I wish the Internet and smartphones were never a thing. We know he's reported to snapchat several times and we know whatever he reported did violate the rules. He won't go into details what it was other than he said iioc. That brings again guilt because if I hadn't agreed to snapchat he would never have got that and then raises questions who sent it him.
I worry for the future, how it will impact his A levels and time at college. I worry about every possible scenario despite believing he's innocent.
Ladies, I feel for you both, I can't even imagine what it must be like to go through this with your children who are still children themselves.
I am here because of my OH so this maybe isn't the thread for me. But I have a 16 year old son, I try to monitor and prevent things for him online, it's controlling but I'm terrified. He can be irresponsible so I only want to protect him. I am exhausted by it all.
Now I don't know the full circumstances of how your sons have ended up here, but I'll share with you some things I have been told since we had the knock.
1. Hundreds of thousands of images are shared in the uk every week and about a third of people that are committing offences are children and teens.
2. The lady at stop it now told me that she worries about getting the knock for her own teenagers, and it's nothing to do with thinking they could possibly be a p-word.
3. When I was worried about my son having a gf my OH spoke to his criminal justice social worker about it, we worry about the same thing happening again as we know how easily it could. She said theres nothing we can do if he is online, we can't control it.
4. A police officer that did a talk in my son's school said that this is out of control amongst children as young as 11.
Let's be real, obviously there are people seeking out images of child sexual abuse but a lot of these crimes and images are teens self creating themselves and sharing to their gf or bf, yes girls do this aswell. Teens can view porn, certain parts of only OF's, even questionable stuff on tik tok! Kids as young as 7 have smartphones and access to social media.
A lot of people convicted are not p-words, they just have access to stuff that used to only be available on the dark web. It's not ok, but something needs to be done, people need to speak out about it. You don't know about the reality of this stuff until it's already too late for your family.
I have minimised before, it's probably a coping mechanism, but I do understand the severity of it. My OH did something unintentionally and he will forever pay for it. He deserved to be convicted but he doesn't deserve to be branded a p-word because of something that came about on social media.
I do not agree with children being arrested and charged and convicted of these crimes and placed on the sex offenders register. If anything, they should be educated and taught how to prevent things like this. Courses should be made available in schools at this rate, it should be mandatory. The hard truth needs to be talked about.
It's all n***e this & p-word that, but once it's a part of your life, for the majority of people, it's not so black and white anymore.
I am here because of my OH so this maybe isn't the thread for me. But I have a 16 year old son, I try to monitor and prevent things for him online, it's controlling but I'm terrified. He can be irresponsible so I only want to protect him. I am exhausted by it all.
Now I don't know the full circumstances of how your sons have ended up here, but I'll share with you some things I have been told since we had the knock.
1. Hundreds of thousands of images are shared in the uk every week and about a third of people that are committing offences are children and teens.
2. The lady at stop it now told me that she worries about getting the knock for her own teenagers, and it's nothing to do with thinking they could possibly be a p-word.
3. When I was worried about my son having a gf my OH spoke to his criminal justice social worker about it, we worry about the same thing happening again as we know how easily it could. She said theres nothing we can do if he is online, we can't control it.
4. A police officer that did a talk in my son's school said that this is out of control amongst children as young as 11.
Let's be real, obviously there are people seeking out images of child sexual abuse but a lot of these crimes and images are teens self creating themselves and sharing to their gf or bf, yes girls do this aswell. Teens can view porn, certain parts of only OF's, even questionable stuff on tik tok! Kids as young as 7 have smartphones and access to social media.
A lot of people convicted are not p-words, they just have access to stuff that used to only be available on the dark web. It's not ok, but something needs to be done, people need to speak out about it. You don't know about the reality of this stuff until it's already too late for your family.
I have minimised before, it's probably a coping mechanism, but I do understand the severity of it. My OH did something unintentionally and he will forever pay for it. He deserved to be convicted but he doesn't deserve to be branded a p-word because of something that came about on social media.
I do not agree with children being arrested and charged and convicted of these crimes and placed on the sex offenders register. If anything, they should be educated and taught how to prevent things like this. Courses should be made available in schools at this rate, it should be mandatory. The hard truth needs to be talked about.
It's all n***e this & p-word that, but once it's a part of your life, for the majority of people, it's not so black and white anymore.
They say you are always only one click away which even for adults is terrifying. So for children who don't fully understand the dangers of the web they have no chance.
We know my son clicked on music or games websites and things popped up and he came off. And like I said we know he reported items that violated on snapchat. My son is what you would call a prude and anything sexual he becomes embarrassed.
The hardest part is not knowing exactly where he's supposed to have viewed something. All we were told is IP address and his email is linked.
He was petrified on day of arrest and felt like they were trying to scare him with comments like 'you wouldn't have wanted picking up on street'. That would never have happened though because my son is always with us. He's always been anxious child, didn't go to local school so no friends nearby. We dropped him off on school grounds and picked him up from school grounds. At home he plays fifa or fortnite. Something like this just doesn't match the child we know whose always been petrified of getting in trouble.
We know my son clicked on music or games websites and things popped up and he came off. And like I said we know he reported items that violated on snapchat. My son is what you would call a prude and anything sexual he becomes embarrassed.
The hardest part is not knowing exactly where he's supposed to have viewed something. All we were told is IP address and his email is linked.
He was petrified on day of arrest and felt like they were trying to scare him with comments like 'you wouldn't have wanted picking up on street'. That would never have happened though because my son is always with us. He's always been anxious child, didn't go to local school so no friends nearby. We dropped him off on school grounds and picked him up from school grounds. At home he plays fifa or fortnite. Something like this just doesn't match the child we know whose always been petrified of getting in trouble.
Beginning of December my 16yo was arrested as a social media platform had reported his account for having iioc category A he was 15 at the time and one image was of someone the similar age as him there was only 2 images on the acc and 2 images he's been arrested for. This has broken us as a family, myself and my husband (not biological father) are more like enemies now I 100% blame myself as I should of kept more of an eye on him
My son is Autistic and struggling with being gay he's got body issues and was constantly comparing himself to other boys and men and I feel he fell into this dark place by exploring other male bodies. I don't condone his behaviour at all he can't live with us as we have children under 16, it's all too much atm as I'm terrified of this getting out in the media and our lives being up rooted we would have to move area etc
My son is Autistic and struggling with being gay he's got body issues and was constantly comparing himself to other boys and men and I feel he fell into this dark place by exploring other male bodies. I don't condone his behaviour at all he can't live with us as we have children under 16, it's all too much atm as I'm terrified of this getting out in the media and our lives being up rooted we would have to move area etc
Broken hearted mum
Did they tell you on the day of the knock that there were 2 images?
I don't get why we've not been told anything and when I ask OIC they reckon we've been told load more than they normally would.
All we picked up on made us think social media and last October. This is when he got snapchat. But he's reported items on snapchat and received confirmation they violated.
I just don't get why everyone gets a different experience. I want to protect him but don't know what I'm protecting him from.
Did they tell you on the day of the knock that there were 2 images?
I don't get why we've not been told anything and when I ask OIC they reckon we've been told load more than they normally would.
All we picked up on made us think social media and last October. This is when he got snapchat. But he's reported items on snapchat and received confirmation they violated.
I just don't get why everyone gets a different experience. I want to protect him but don't know what I'm protecting him from.
Yes told as soon as they knocked at 7am in the morning I was full of flu aswell at the time so nothing was sinking in..my husband his step dad had to come from work and meet them at the police station he was locked in a cell etc etc from what I can make out he joined some lgbt groups hoping to find some help (a bit like this forum) as he's very socially awkward and was exploring what or who he was.
they said there was 2 images one of a male of similar age to him the other was of a child but he swears someone randomly sent it to him he didn't know what to do as he hadn't even told us at that point he was gay but he should of told us, I'd of taken the image straight to the police
they said there was 2 images one of a male of similar age to him the other was of a child but he swears someone randomly sent it to him he didn't know what to do as he hadn't even told us at that point he was gay but he should of told us, I'd of taken the image straight to the police
Another Mom here x
Sorry we are all here, it's so awful :-(
Its so strange how different everyone's experiences are. I can't believe they had your son in a cell broken hearted mum. Also with some children not being able to live at home due to younger siblings.
The day of our knock we were told by Police that our 15 year old is not a threat and he is able to continue living at home. We have 3 younger children.
Sorry we are all here, it's so awful :-(
Its so strange how different everyone's experiences are. I can't believe they had your son in a cell broken hearted mum. Also with some children not being able to live at home due to younger siblings.
The day of our knock we were told by Police that our 15 year old is not a threat and he is able to continue living at home. We have 3 younger children.
Hi Crushed
My son also spent time in a cell. Plus had photo took and finger prints. That part I witnessed. It breaks my heart that he's gone through this. Part of me thinks they were trying to scare him. He seems such an easy target for them. Because we had to wait for solicitor we spent hours at police station.
Personally feel children should not be treated the same as adults committing these crimes.
Why are cases treated so different.
My son also spent time in a cell. Plus had photo took and finger prints. That part I witnessed. It breaks my heart that he's gone through this. Part of me thinks they were trying to scare him. He seems such an easy target for them. Because we had to wait for solicitor we spent hours at police station.
Personally feel children should not be treated the same as adults committing these crimes.
Why are cases treated so different.
This resonated with me hugely. My son was just turned 16 when we got the knock which was devastating. We have been through the most horrendous journey. He was given a shpo as part of his YRO, which when working with youth justice was okay. They instigated loads of help. At the time he was also struggling with his identity/sexuality but I think this is more so because of how prevalent discussion is amongst teens at school around LGBTQia+. He has also since been diagnosed with autism that I had been ignored about and fobbed off within his school setting.
However, the harder part came when he transitioned to probation because he turned 18 in the middle of his YRO as it took until he was nearly 18 to go to court. As soon as he was part of probation and classed as an adult he repeatedly got the message from them that he is a sex offender. The SHPO meant he had to sign onto the register.
My son has accessed material he should never have had access to. His pre-frontal cortex is still developing. He has been told not to think he's better than a sex offender. That this will stay with him for the rest of his life even when his sentence is over. He said he was looking for people his own age (which is wrong.) This probation officer, on the back of working with my son has now transferred as a liaison officer working with youth justice and I worry for future children/teens working with them.
Don't get me wrong, what he did is wrong - but it's more complex than a label, it's more complex than "it all" and our kids need to be given a fair chance. As part of our curriculum we now teach this, but as part of our safeguarding advice at school, school have no clue about real outcomes for families because they don't know the reality of it - scjools see them as children. Police and probation don't.
I have to excuse myself from teaching this content partly because it's so triggering for me but also, I would never be able to live with myself if some of my lived experience echoed in the classroom or if someone I ever taught got themselves into this predicament/horror. I'd blame myself all over again. More than 1000 arrests per month and 65% of them school aged boys.
something has got to change x
sorry you got a full rant there
However, the harder part came when he transitioned to probation because he turned 18 in the middle of his YRO as it took until he was nearly 18 to go to court. As soon as he was part of probation and classed as an adult he repeatedly got the message from them that he is a sex offender. The SHPO meant he had to sign onto the register.
My son has accessed material he should never have had access to. His pre-frontal cortex is still developing. He has been told not to think he's better than a sex offender. That this will stay with him for the rest of his life even when his sentence is over. He said he was looking for people his own age (which is wrong.) This probation officer, on the back of working with my son has now transferred as a liaison officer working with youth justice and I worry for future children/teens working with them.
Don't get me wrong, what he did is wrong - but it's more complex than a label, it's more complex than "it all" and our kids need to be given a fair chance. As part of our curriculum we now teach this, but as part of our safeguarding advice at school, school have no clue about real outcomes for families because they don't know the reality of it - scjools see them as children. Police and probation don't.
I have to excuse myself from teaching this content partly because it's so triggering for me but also, I would never be able to live with myself if some of my lived experience echoed in the classroom or if someone I ever taught got themselves into this predicament/horror. I'd blame myself all over again. More than 1000 arrests per month and 65% of them school aged boys.
something has got to change x
sorry you got a full rant there
We talk about this SO much on the forum it's frightening our youngsters are terribly vulnerable. A few clicks away from material that can get them into life changing trouble and a label for life. Plus of course let's never forget the poor children in this nasty material. Yet nothing )or not a lot) seems to be done to stop it or curb it in the first place.
Yesterday a chappie at work was telling me how his 16yr old only seems to venture off his console etc for food, locked away in his room. It sadly resignated as I thought of my sons story. Without giving detail, I just told him to 'do his best' to keep a close eye on what his son was viewing and through experience I know time on line can quickly progress into trouble.
it's all so clear for us to see on this forum sadly through our experiences but not enough is done to keep (I think every age) safe on line.
Yesterday a chappie at work was telling me how his 16yr old only seems to venture off his console etc for food, locked away in his room. It sadly resignated as I thought of my sons story. Without giving detail, I just told him to 'do his best' to keep a close eye on what his son was viewing and through experience I know time on line can quickly progress into trouble.
it's all so clear for us to see on this forum sadly through our experiences but not enough is done to keep (I think every age) safe on line.
It's just so sad isn't it? Lives stopped before they've even really started.
And it all feels so random - how each force deals with it. No transparency, not fairness, no compassion - a totally dehumanising experience. Can't complain or talk about it, just have to suck it up.
I still feel like it's not real, that it can't be real .it's hard to live each day faking it, hiding the fear and horror of what's to come.
The worst possible time of your life, you"re the loneliest and most isolated you've probably ever been.
It's all so bleak, I could never have imagined my family being destroyed like this. Right under my nose. It's hard to have faith in anything anymore. Everything feels utterly pointless. Life is just about punishment and shame now, hiding, staying away, pretending,. A completely hollow and pointless existence.
And it all feels so random - how each force deals with it. No transparency, not fairness, no compassion - a totally dehumanising experience. Can't complain or talk about it, just have to suck it up.
I still feel like it's not real, that it can't be real .it's hard to live each day faking it, hiding the fear and horror of what's to come.
The worst possible time of your life, you"re the loneliest and most isolated you've probably ever been.
It's all so bleak, I could never have imagined my family being destroyed like this. Right under my nose. It's hard to have faith in anything anymore. Everything feels utterly pointless. Life is just about punishment and shame now, hiding, staying away, pretending,. A completely hollow and pointless existence.
I couldn't agree more with this post.
I felt like my son was easy pickings for the police, it didn't really feel at any point like anyone wanted to reform his behaviour - the whole goal was to get a conviction and to get him labelled as being a P.
Children aren't capable of being P's imo.
One bit of advice - never, ever trust the police or believe at face value what they are telling you. Get the best solicitor you can and do everything through them.
Disgusting the police are targeting young children rather than those at the top of the chains that are also often exploiting our young people
I felt like my son was easy pickings for the police, it didn't really feel at any point like anyone wanted to reform his behaviour - the whole goal was to get a conviction and to get him labelled as being a P.
Children aren't capable of being P's imo.
One bit of advice - never, ever trust the police or believe at face value what they are telling you. Get the best solicitor you can and do everything through them.
Disgusting the police are targeting young children rather than those at the top of the chains that are also often exploiting our young people
A blog post by a specialist iioc solicitor touched on the subject of the increasing number of investigations and prosecutions against teenagers.
He makes an excellent point that the law is now penalising the very people it seeks to protect.
He makes an excellent point that the law is now penalising the very people it seeks to protect.
Exactly mine and my husbands thoughts in relation to our son, he's an easy target and potentially so the police can get their figures and meet targets.
My husband doesn't trust the police at all due to how they were on the day of the knock. Basically was like they didn't have a clue what they were doing.
My son suffered anxiety throughout school, we had just got to a point where he felt ok being left in the house alone. Only for 10 minutes but it was a start. Now he is constantly in same room as us. Only goes to college where he is dropped off and picked up. Goes to my parents if no one home and not in college. Plus won't sleep in his bed. It's heartbreaking.
My husband doesn't trust the police at all due to how they were on the day of the knock. Basically was like they didn't have a clue what they were doing.
My son suffered anxiety throughout school, we had just got to a point where he felt ok being left in the house alone. Only for 10 minutes but it was a start. Now he is constantly in same room as us. Only goes to college where he is dropped off and picked up. Goes to my parents if no one home and not in college. Plus won't sleep in his bed. It's heartbreaking.
Gosh, all of these posts resonate with me such a lot, it is so sad to read.
My son has just been arrested and released on bail. I tried over the years to teach him about the online dangers, but it has never been backed up in schools or college and so I just look like I am nagging. But everyone is so slow on the uptake about it all and our young people, particularly teenage boys are just not supported. And there are so many loopholes and ways to make contact with people online, ways to avoid tracing internet usage, but yet none of this would be done face to face. It is all too easy and too dangerous.
I agree with all opinions above, the Internet is a minefield, our laws are supposed to protect children and young people but it equally ends up damaging young people, but more so it seems for these crimes as the long lasting impact seems to just keep rippling.
It is so sad to read so many of us feeling the same.
My son has just been arrested and released on bail. I tried over the years to teach him about the online dangers, but it has never been backed up in schools or college and so I just look like I am nagging. But everyone is so slow on the uptake about it all and our young people, particularly teenage boys are just not supported. And there are so many loopholes and ways to make contact with people online, ways to avoid tracing internet usage, but yet none of this would be done face to face. It is all too easy and too dangerous.
I agree with all opinions above, the Internet is a minefield, our laws are supposed to protect children and young people but it equally ends up damaging young people, but more so it seems for these crimes as the long lasting impact seems to just keep rippling.
It is so sad to read so many of us feeling the same.
Just wanted to say Hi, I don't come on here alot now as we are a a year past sentacing. It's so frightening seeing all these parents going through this, my heart goes out to you, however from someone on the other side, you do go back to some kind of normality.
Getting my son into therapy and doing the LFF course really helped him ultimatly and his case. My son is Autistic and had just turned 18. He was groomed from twitter onto KIK and shared 3 pictures, he also had all catorgaries on his phone (low numbers, 11/12/15) mostly older teens or anime but some he opened when sent them and didn't like, so closed stright away, however the thumbnails where saved. Reading the messages from the CPS, you could tell he was mirroring the people talking to him and the fact he belived they were women!
I also done the LFF couse, I really recommend it, it gave me a clear understanding and i could clearly see the path my son had followed.
We wrote a article annonomously about it too with the help of LFF, no excuses the images where there however we too feel he was easy pickings and wanted to make others aware of how easy it is for our children to fall into this line of offending. I even asked the officer if they go after the people he was talking too, she said we try! I looked at her and said, they're abroad arn't they, she just smiled at me. my son even had all the accounts in his real name, not really hiding. They wasn't interested in how it happened and the judge gave the lowest sentace he could and got rid of the 20 points they had on the SHPO down to 6, all about on line usage.
As much as it breaks me that this has happened, we can only move on with the cards his been delt and his doing well. I still have the "what if" thoughts, but the over questioning has calmed down, I'm starting to trust him again (even though it was more to do with his trust in people, I was always asking who he was talking too, what he was doing etc) and I think his alot less trusting of the world and taking people at face value. His nearly at the end of his probation and his PO is amazing, we was worried as his PO changed half way through, however it looks like the old PO didn't do what she was meant to do and the new one is fabulous and caught him up with everything. We all work together, His PO and VISTOR have my number and email too.
Look after yourselves too, looking back I survived that whole year, just! but I am back to a living now, just with some differences. I hold on to one mistake in your life should never reflect the rest.
Getting my son into therapy and doing the LFF course really helped him ultimatly and his case. My son is Autistic and had just turned 18. He was groomed from twitter onto KIK and shared 3 pictures, he also had all catorgaries on his phone (low numbers, 11/12/15) mostly older teens or anime but some he opened when sent them and didn't like, so closed stright away, however the thumbnails where saved. Reading the messages from the CPS, you could tell he was mirroring the people talking to him and the fact he belived they were women!
I also done the LFF couse, I really recommend it, it gave me a clear understanding and i could clearly see the path my son had followed.
We wrote a article annonomously about it too with the help of LFF, no excuses the images where there however we too feel he was easy pickings and wanted to make others aware of how easy it is for our children to fall into this line of offending. I even asked the officer if they go after the people he was talking too, she said we try! I looked at her and said, they're abroad arn't they, she just smiled at me. my son even had all the accounts in his real name, not really hiding. They wasn't interested in how it happened and the judge gave the lowest sentace he could and got rid of the 20 points they had on the SHPO down to 6, all about on line usage.
As much as it breaks me that this has happened, we can only move on with the cards his been delt and his doing well. I still have the "what if" thoughts, but the over questioning has calmed down, I'm starting to trust him again (even though it was more to do with his trust in people, I was always asking who he was talking too, what he was doing etc) and I think his alot less trusting of the world and taking people at face value. His nearly at the end of his probation and his PO is amazing, we was worried as his PO changed half way through, however it looks like the old PO didn't do what she was meant to do and the new one is fabulous and caught him up with everything. We all work together, His PO and VISTOR have my number and email too.
Look after yourselves too, looking back I survived that whole year, just! but I am back to a living now, just with some differences. I hold on to one mistake in your life should never reflect the rest.