The aftermath - when did you feel better?
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Our knock happened summer '23 - my just turned 14 son was the suspect. It took a year and a complaint the IOPC to get the case closed and my son was finally NFA'd. My son attempted suicide a number of times during the investigation and I was largely unsupported dealing with this / moniotoring him at night alone. It was the worst time of my life and I genuinely thought either he or I would die by suicide with the stress and weight being put on us.
After the NFA, my son admitted to me that he was still drawn into wanting to share / exchange inappropriate images (of himself) with others / meet teens online for sex despite everything that had happened.
He was scared to tell me because of the lack of help out there. And I didn't know what to do with the information that not only was he drawn to doing this, but he had done this since he was NFA'd. I sat with the information for a bit before disclosing to his social worker and Camhs with a demand that he was put under CAHBS. Luckily my son is under a psychologist with CAHBS now who has been really really helpful (I had to push pretty hard for this sadly), and I've had support from the help line on here. I feel like finally we're making some headway and I feel like he will be able to turn things around.
Before this all happened I was aware my son was SA'd in a few incidents that happened over clothes by another boy about 4/5 years older than him (my son was 9/10 years old when this happened.) I've since found out that my son was made to give oral to this child and that other things happened that he's not willing to discuss with me.
I feel a huge amount of guilt that I didn't deal at the time with the SA from this other child (who is likely to have been SA'd themselves) and I chalked it down to growing up and experimentation. I should have dug deeper with the information he was forthcoming with and sought help with the behaviours then.
I put his sex obsession down to the onset of puberty, rather than the abuse he suffered.
Since the knock and everything else that's happened I've felt like I've changed as a person. I'm not the same person I was before the knock. I'm on the highest dose of anti depressants - which do help (as do the anti anxiety tablets I'm on) and I've also got an amazing and very supportive therapist but I no longer feel like myself. I don't want to engage or talk to others (other than a select few close friends) and I've not joined a large family function since it's happened. I can't pretend to be happy clappy.
How long does this stage of isolation last? Is it ever possible to pull through?
After the NFA, my son admitted to me that he was still drawn into wanting to share / exchange inappropriate images (of himself) with others / meet teens online for sex despite everything that had happened.
He was scared to tell me because of the lack of help out there. And I didn't know what to do with the information that not only was he drawn to doing this, but he had done this since he was NFA'd. I sat with the information for a bit before disclosing to his social worker and Camhs with a demand that he was put under CAHBS. Luckily my son is under a psychologist with CAHBS now who has been really really helpful (I had to push pretty hard for this sadly), and I've had support from the help line on here. I feel like finally we're making some headway and I feel like he will be able to turn things around.
Before this all happened I was aware my son was SA'd in a few incidents that happened over clothes by another boy about 4/5 years older than him (my son was 9/10 years old when this happened.) I've since found out that my son was made to give oral to this child and that other things happened that he's not willing to discuss with me.
I feel a huge amount of guilt that I didn't deal at the time with the SA from this other child (who is likely to have been SA'd themselves) and I chalked it down to growing up and experimentation. I should have dug deeper with the information he was forthcoming with and sought help with the behaviours then.
I put his sex obsession down to the onset of puberty, rather than the abuse he suffered.
Since the knock and everything else that's happened I've felt like I've changed as a person. I'm not the same person I was before the knock. I'm on the highest dose of anti depressants - which do help (as do the anti anxiety tablets I'm on) and I've also got an amazing and very supportive therapist but I no longer feel like myself. I don't want to engage or talk to others (other than a select few close friends) and I've not joined a large family function since it's happened. I can't pretend to be happy clappy.
How long does this stage of isolation last? Is it ever possible to pull through?
Hi Sunshine,
we are only 6 months in on this awful journey and haven't even been in for interview with our son yet. I would say I feel better than I did in the first 6 weeks after the knock (where I felt in a big state of anxiety and despair, as prior to this I didn't even suspect that anything was wrong).
We also have had SA in our children's lives, which I suspect effects my eldest too which has led him down this path (he doesn't remember his childhood prior to the age of 11)
Hope you and your son are okay xx
we are only 6 months in on this awful journey and haven't even been in for interview with our son yet. I would say I feel better than I did in the first 6 weeks after the knock (where I felt in a big state of anxiety and despair, as prior to this I didn't even suspect that anything was wrong).
We also have had SA in our children's lives, which I suspect effects my eldest too which has led him down this path (he doesn't remember his childhood prior to the age of 11)
Hope you and your son are okay xx
Oh crushed, I'm so sorry.
How is your son holding out? I'm so sorry he's also experienced SA. It's so wrong that our children are being treated this way when they are victims themselves.
Xx
How is your son holding out? I'm so sorry he's also experienced SA. It's so wrong that our children are being treated this way when they are victims themselves.
Xx
Gosh, I feel for you both - this and SA is an awful lot to process.
I hope you and your son's are being properly supported.
I'm still fairly new to it all but as bleak as it sounds, I don't think I'll ever feel how I did before. I don't think I'll ever fully relax for sure.
I hope that I'll find some joy and happiness occasionally but my world has totally changed. Even when we get to the end of it, whatever that means, and whatever it entails - my family, my hopes, plans, future, confidence etc etc is forever changed. At the moment my life feels ruined and pointless but maybe I'll find a way to accept this crappy, sad, miserable new life? I occasionally have some hope that every moment won't always feel so utterly crappy. Although mostly that's too much of a stretch..I don't even have peace when I sleep..I have horrendous nightmares, and I wake up feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach. I don't even have that fist few seconds of waking up and not remembering. It's there, constantly. So right now it's hard to imagine that I'll ever feel any different.
I read posts from others who seem to have carved out a new way of living/being despite this though... So some hope?
I hope you and your son's are being properly supported.
I'm still fairly new to it all but as bleak as it sounds, I don't think I'll ever feel how I did before. I don't think I'll ever fully relax for sure.
I hope that I'll find some joy and happiness occasionally but my world has totally changed. Even when we get to the end of it, whatever that means, and whatever it entails - my family, my hopes, plans, future, confidence etc etc is forever changed. At the moment my life feels ruined and pointless but maybe I'll find a way to accept this crappy, sad, miserable new life? I occasionally have some hope that every moment won't always feel so utterly crappy. Although mostly that's too much of a stretch..I don't even have peace when I sleep..I have horrendous nightmares, and I wake up feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach. I don't even have that fist few seconds of waking up and not remembering. It's there, constantly. So right now it's hard to imagine that I'll ever feel any different.
I read posts from others who seem to have carved out a new way of living/being despite this though... So some hope?
Sunshine I don't know if he is blocking it out as he seems okay really. How is your son?
Starr how long ago was the knock? I felt like you for the first 6-8 weeks for sure and now gradually feeling some happiness in days 6 months on. Still riddled with anxiety about what will happen next though, we had the abuse disclosures from the other children 3 months after the knock so was back to square one for a while again x
Starr how long ago was the knock? I felt like you for the first 6-8 weeks for sure and now gradually feeling some happiness in days 6 months on. Still riddled with anxiety about what will happen next though, we had the abuse disclosures from the other children 3 months after the knock so was back to square one for a while again x
Crushed, I really feel for you - must be so hard finding all of this out. I hope you're all managing as best you can. Are you accessing any support? Hopefully the police will take a very different approach given the circumstances?
It's still early days for us and Christmas had an impact i think too - it heightens emotions and time goes quickly but also drags!
We have lots of other family demands - elderly relatives etc who depends on us/me and I just don't have it in me to listen or be there for anyone else really..so I'm doing what I can but I'm a pretty hollow shell. I can't really cheer anyone up so there is criticism and confusion but I don't feel like I can explain. It's so lonely and isolating.
It's still early days for us and Christmas had an impact i think too - it heightens emotions and time goes quickly but also drags!
We have lots of other family demands - elderly relatives etc who depends on us/me and I just don't have it in me to listen or be there for anyone else really..so I'm doing what I can but I'm a pretty hollow shell. I can't really cheer anyone up so there is criticism and confusion but I don't feel like I can explain. It's so lonely and isolating.
It must be hard for you Starr with the other demands too, it's hard to keep functioning as normal isn't it. Hope you're okay.
Thank you, I do hope they take it into consideration, but as he hasn't actually disclosed because he can't remember anything I'm not sure they will :-( I'm sure it can't be a coincidence though xx
Thank you, I do hope they take it into consideration, but as he hasn't actually disclosed because he can't remember anything I'm not sure they will :-( I'm sure it can't be a coincidence though xx