Family and Friends Forum

Hi,

I'm not sure how far into this you are? It sounds like it might all be really fresh?

I'll be honest, in the 3 months since the knock, I've had very similar thoughts. I even wrote something along these lines in my journal entry for today about 10 minutes ago.



It comes in waves though. Today was a hard day, but tomorrow everything might seem a (tiny) bit more manageable.



Remember, you don't have to make decisions right away. When this first happened, I thought my only way forward involved selling the house. I've since figured out a way I could feasibly keep it, but I've also thought of some options for what I'd do if I do have to sell.



I'm not suggesting these would be options for you, I don't know your circumstances, but if you give yourself breathing room you might be able to find a new path forward that doesn't seem quite as bleak.



I've learned that I need time to mourn the future that I've lost. It really is a form of grief and it's all-encompassing still for me and that's okay. Your person has had a long time living with this, and you're being blindsided by it.



I'm so sorry you feel like this and I wish I could give you more practical advice. Please, if you can, talk to someone like a GP or a therapist, or the LFF helpline. This experience can be incredibly isolating and having someone to talk to is really important.

I promise you are a good person, if you weren't, this wouldn't be tearing you apart so much.



I'm sending you some love and I'm happy to chat if you think it would help you!

in the beginning you will have all these thoughts I've probably not helped your situation by giving my story and for that I apologise I didn't mean to make your worry more than you already are so here are some positives, my sister has stayed put in her home, still liked in the community still has friends that love her and us, still socialises yes things change you lose people but no one that mattered to us now we are a tight unit , we spend time with her son we go on days out we go to the beaches quiet ones we go walks , we talk every day , I understand at the start of this horrible journey we genuinely don't see a way out I think everyone on here will have felt the exact same way your world Is blown apart but u find the strength, speak with your doctor if you aren't sleeping and suffering they can help you a lot take each day as it comes tey and find positive things to do with the children xxx

I'm sure it will be NFA if it is just teenagers in bikinis, that can't be illegal surely?

It does get easier I promise, I felt despair at the beginning too x

It really isn't the end, honestly. I've separated from my 'OH' & have spent 15 months & counting in the waiting on forensics limbo. The first few months were awful, but actually now life is....ok? Christmas this year - our second since this all started - was fun. Money is tighter than it was, but the kids & I still live in our house (lucky I know). Contrary to the usual advice here we / I have told all the family on both sides & I have a circle of close friends who know. All were told right at the start & have been amazing towards us three. Both my kids are doing really well, enjoying life & showing so much maturity in dealing with a crappy situation. I know things could get harder again, but I also know we'll get through it as a family of three. Personally I have zero intention of moving anywhere. But I realise my situation may be different yours in that we separated straight away & he moved elsewhere. And OH seems to be taking responsibility with therapy, SAA, accountability software on devices etc. He still swears blind it was "one unsolicited file he deleted instantly" blah blah, but who knows. There are still hard days, but there are also good things. It honestly gets better.

Hi life is over, I'm feeling the same right now although my OH is few months post sentencing for a very minor word said it has ruined our lives. The stress is immense currently for me My OH has lost a very well paid job and has been successful at job interviews since but then later rejected by HR because of the stigma of this conviction they said it is too high risk to be associated with him. Other than getting up everyday and trying to move forward I too feel like I have nearly lost everything including my patience we don't even bother mentioning holidays as I don't want to go through the pain of having to apply with the police officer and the decision lying with them if he has permission to go or not... I'm avoiding friends and family but I feel everything has fallen to me to support my family for finance, support and feeling like a full time therapist to a traumatized OH. there is no support for me as my time has now been maximized to looking after everyonelse I have mentioned this situation to the police officer in charge who stated I was dwelling on the past and to move on..... although I'm sure advise is easy to give when your not in this situation and are not peanalised by a DBS. For me the punishment did not end at sentencing I'm not sure if it will ever end as this has completely altered our entire lives for the foreseable future.

You asked the question why do people not just give up, the easy answer is because what is giving up, what does giving up look like? In the early days you are greiving for your previous life. i just think I had two choices neither I want. To stay, and live with restrictions or leave and be more lonely and on my own. I am 2.5 years post sentencing. I am not saying this to scare you, just that a decision does not have to be made, now. My OH lost his job, which was two thirds of our income. This has hit me the hardest, and I am now the sole earner. But, many men do obtain jobs, some well paid, it just might take a while to find them and might be in a different role. But there is jobs out there. I personally have never had someone say to me i am as bad as my OH. There are mutiple examples on this forum of couples whose lives have changed but they still experience joy and there are many who holiday abroad. Not every country have restrictions.

There are days when i still feel angry at my situation and there are other days i am content. Over time the anger days decrease. Personally, I joined a couple of clubs where i have made new friends and find joy in these new friendships.



It is not easy, but you will get through this.

We don't give up though do we?

I thought about taking my own life more than once. Was I looking for an easy way out? Rather than deal with the shit show rollercoaster we were on? Quite possibly.

But I didn't. I couldn't do it to my adult kids. Instead I made the difficult decision to end my marriage and face and unknown future on my own. I knew his offending would never go away and would always be lurking in the background

I am now getting on with my life. Family and friends all know (thanks to the media). I have lost friends but those that have stayed have been amazing and I couldn't have done it without them

But all these decisions took a long time to make. Medication and counselling were involved. Be kind to yourself x

I would like to give a bit of reassurance as it has been nearly 7 years for me.

It can be hard to get a job with an SOR, but not impossible. My person got a new job after sentencing where he didn't have to disclose.

We can go on holiday, but there are places we can't go together so I am hoping I can save one day and go with friends.

We don't have children, but can go to theme parks.

I have had to adjust, a d know that what I thought my life would be like is not fully how I expected.

I understand the fear of being attacked, so my best advice is to only tell those who need to know. It hurts tilo lie to those close to me, but it is to protect myself

The LFF helpline and the stopSo therapy I have had jas helped me greatly.

I did try to give up originally my partner had been on the register for a couple of years before I met him and he reoffended shortly after we got together.

The night he got arrested I tried to end it all and almost succeeded to be honest. The Dr's weren't sure they could save me.

They did and I am so glad they did.

6 years on and things are so much better.

He got a community order and no more time on the register.

We went through a lot with our daughter losing her to the system when she was born.

But now she's home. We are happy and getting back to being a family.

He has a good job yes in a factory but it's good pay and means he's happy and we have money. In under 2 years he will be off the register and will be able to get a job pretty much wherever again.



Trust has slowly been rebuilt. And he's worked above and beyond to be a better person.

No one knows the future. Giving up just means you don't get to see that future. Which I am glad I didn't die that day because I now have a future I never thought was possible..



Of course there will always be ups and downs and my partners case made the media the first time. So we get harrased sometimes in our town. But we are hopefully moving soon.

We go to theme parks, we take our daughter to soft play together etc.

I'm another one who stayed, we have just passed 5 years since the knock and 3.5 years since it hit the media.

It has been difficult and I don't envy anyone in the early days of this horrific journey. It has changed me but for the better. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and I am far more empathetic to people's circumstances. None of us know what the person sat next to us on the bus, stood next to us in a queue or living next door has been through in their lives.

As others have said there is a terrible stigma attached to these crimes, it's one size fits all when it comes to the p and n words. You have petty thieves and career criminals to describe a thief but a sex offender is seen as the very worst of society and defined by the label even though they aren't a bad person.

My OH secured a role not long after conviction, there are companies who ban the box or just don't do dbs checks. Unlock can help with this. We travelled abroad last year for the first time and it was absolutely fine, yes I'm dreading ETIAS coming in but we will just have to travel elsewhere.

We don't have children but we did have social services involved due to young family members who came to the house and it has caused a rift in the family. I do believe things happen for a reason and those who haven't stayed in my life weren't meant to be in it. I've kept a lot of friends and made new ones but I haven't disclosed to new ones. It's not my crime, it's something that happened that I had no control over and I won't let it control my future.

Please don't give up, we are here to hold your hand through this and there are more resources available than there used to be. Don't be afraid to reach out and remember that none of this is your fault.

Take care

I don't know. I'm going through this for the second time. I lost EVERYTHING because of what he did. I exist in order to help our Autistic adult child who has severe ME. That's it. That is my existence. Everything and everyone else has gone. I'm sorry to be so negative. I'm right in the think of it again with sentencing and probable prison in a months time. I honestly live in fear of other people finding out. X

I just want to say you're not alone in how you feel, I feel like I've been punished ten times what he has for a crime I didn't commit. He now lives with him mom and dad as a responsibility free man, I have to be a single parent to 4 kids 24/7 on the relentless cycle of cleaning, washing, ironing, school schedules, activities, playing with them, bedtimes, trying to make sure they can have life with just one of me, and the list goes on and on. Ive been the one having to talk to school/SS/police/GPs/therapists/family/friends.

And yes he pays some of the bills still but it's a an equal split to be honest for 5 people food alone comes in at over £100 a week then there's water, internet, clothes, school activities, phones, car insurance/tax/repairs, weekend activities etc. and he may very well lose his job after court in which case I'm well and truly gone, I can't afford it all on my own. And I can only work term time thanks to having no childcare support.

Live in fear they will publish my address and my children will be horribly bullied, rejected, become 'the weird ones' at school 'did you hear about their dad' etc.

And all the while I have to try and get up every day and go to work/looks after everyone and everything... He lives at home, does whatever he likes when he likes now has his washing cooking cleaning done for him.. it's is just bizarre! And even if he does get contact one day it wont be any help to me it's not like he can have them for a weekend it will always be supervised especially as my youngest is disabled and unable to talk.

The women face much much harder consequences in these situations we are punished immeasurably for an action that we didn't commit, had no choice in....

I've had horrendous trouble trying to find any support or counselling. I gave up with an NHS psychiatrist because she kept referring to the ex's offending as viewing "child porn". If she can't get the terminology right then there's not much hope. Another charity assigned me to a volunteer who was appalled that I still had anything to do with him. Another psychologist (private) was very keen to help me until I told her what had happened and then I never heard from her again.
This whole thing destroys the lives of those surrounding the offender. Everything about it seems stacked against us, it innocent. I honestly don't know how most people would cope in our shoes. X

LittleRobin3, have you tried phoning StopSO? Although they work with offenders, they also help survivors of abuse too and they will not be judgemental.

Little robin

I feel similarly to you about counselling. My situation is the thing causing me stress..I'm totally poweless over it..unless that changes, I don't believe I can feel any different..

No matter when it's over, or what that means, I'll have still been through it .my family will still be very different. I can never unknow what I know and I'll always feel sad, devastated or whatever it is I feel about what happened.

I feel quite trapped..in a big deep hole that I'll never get out of. I might get used to it, make it a slightly more comfortable deep hole but it's still a big hole I never expected to find myself in. I don't even know if I deserve to get out of it. I feel so responsible. And I think society would probably think I deserve the be in it too 'i blame the parents!'

Starr,

We all deserve better. I feel extremely let down by society. Imagine if my ex could've gone to speak to his GP at age 13,14, 18, 21 whatever and tell them the thoughts he'd started having about being attracted to children BEFORE he broke the law? Imagine if he could've had a frank and open discussion with a psychiatrist/psychologist who could've taught him coping mechanisms? Imagine if there had been a professional body he could've gone to at age 47 when he finally caved and went looking for the images he'd thought about since the age of 13? It MIGHT have made a difference. He MIGHT not have offended. All our lives MIGHT not have ended up the way they have. He MIGHT not have gone to prison. I feel that societies hysteria around all this is causing issues surrounding looking deeper at the why's and how we could go about helping these people, especially as there's so many of them getting arrested every single day! But people don't want to know. They just want to blame and punish, including us innocent secondary victims. I'm going through all this due a second time. It's absolutely nearly finished me off and I've lost everything because of what he's done. X

Edel20,

I'm surviving on benefits so I can't afford what the StopSo counsellors charge. X

I've just been referred to mental health services and I'm quite reluctant to take the appointment knowing how taboo the subject is. I feel judged enough but the thought of not coping once baby is here hurts so much more than that judgement.

I do think, unless people have personally been in this situation, of course they will judge. How many of us have sat disgusted by these things when they're in the news before we were dragged into it.

as much as I now see both sides it doesn't make things easier. we've all gotta find our way through it or out of it with as little collateral damage possible

Mum1982H.

Prior to the knock, I often discussed with my husband, the offender, that no one chose to offend like this, as in no one chose to be a P. As it turned out, my husband had been a P since the age of 12/13. I've been in desperate need of support but have never managed to find it due to judgement, even psychiatrists within the NHS.

Feeling the same Lifeisover I'm also considering a second job to keep the roof over our heads and maintain basic necessities. The punishment that just keeps on giving.... if I knew what I know now I would of certainly said more stern words to the judge that held my OH case and the repercussions of a sentence so harsh. I may as well of stood in the box and my oh on the side.