Access to children
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Hiya,
Long time reader, first time poster.
3 months post knock by a vigalantie group where OH has been accused (with decent evidence) with communication with a child in the 13-16 age range. As with most others, horrific experience for which I doubt I'll recover.
Like many here, totally blindsided. Thought we had a happy marriage and he was happy in the family. So why was he even in a chat room? I digress.
Our relationship is over. But I am still deciding if he can have access to our children. One aged 2 one aged 6. He was a great dad, but he has done this terrible thing.
What have others done? I'm worried of I allow contact it will be seen as condoning his actions - which I don't. But if I continue to cut ties, I'm worried about the impact on the children.
Thoughts please!
Long time reader, first time poster.
3 months post knock by a vigalantie group where OH has been accused (with decent evidence) with communication with a child in the 13-16 age range. As with most others, horrific experience for which I doubt I'll recover.
Like many here, totally blindsided. Thought we had a happy marriage and he was happy in the family. So why was he even in a chat room? I digress.
Our relationship is over. But I am still deciding if he can have access to our children. One aged 2 one aged 6. He was a great dad, but he has done this terrible thing.
What have others done? I'm worried of I allow contact it will be seen as condoning his actions - which I don't. But if I continue to cut ties, I'm worried about the impact on the children.
Thoughts please!
Hi,
I think you have to do whatever feels right for your children. Our daughter wasn't born when we got the knock (hence my username). I made the decision to allow supervised contact and was fortunate to be allowed to supervise by ss.
My daughter has an incredible bond with her dad and I know 99 percent of the time that I made the right decision for her. There will always be an element of doubt about whether it will prove to continue to be the right decision particularly when we have to disclose to her. I worry what her reaction will be and what support she will need to process that disclosure.
Sending lots of love and support to you as you go through your decision making process xxx
I think you have to do whatever feels right for your children. Our daughter wasn't born when we got the knock (hence my username). I made the decision to allow supervised contact and was fortunate to be allowed to supervise by ss.
My daughter has an incredible bond with her dad and I know 99 percent of the time that I made the right decision for her. There will always be an element of doubt about whether it will prove to continue to be the right decision particularly when we have to disclose to her. I worry what her reaction will be and what support she will need to process that disclosure.
Sending lots of love and support to you as you go through your decision making process xxx
Hey DP,
Thank you for your reply.
That is my worry also. What will the kids think when we/I tell them eventually - MANY years down the road. It almost seems dammed if we let him back in. Dammed if we don't.
Are you still with your person?
I hope you are doing ok xx
Thank you for your reply.
That is my worry also. What will the kids think when we/I tell them eventually - MANY years down the road. It almost seems dammed if we let him back in. Dammed if we don't.
Are you still with your person?
I hope you are doing ok xx
I am now. I left initially too. We are almost 4 years post sentencing. The first safety plan was that myself and his parents would supervise but we went back to ss after 18 months and I was cleared to supervise myself which has made things easier for our daughter to have a "normal" life of day trips etc with both of us xxx
That sounds really great for your daughter
I'm guessing your OH can't live with you yet? We're SS concerned when you got back together?
I'm guessing your OH can't live with you yet? We're SS concerned when you got back together?
Would it be ok to message you as I can talk more openly then? xx
It's incredibly hard isn't it? I'm in a different situation in that 'my' case is IIOC related, so I'm still in the waiting on forensics stage (15 months+). He swears blind that he was sent one unsolicited file he instantly deleted, but I honestly have no idea either way. At the moment I'm supervising contant (a day about once a fortnight). It's incredibly hard. Personally I struggle to imagine continuing to support contact if he turns out to be lying & has been intentionally seeking out CSAM. I might feel differently if he'd been honest from the start. So at the moment I'm walking a tightrope of letting the kids spend time with their dad (who they love & want to see), but knowing that might not be the best in the longterm. They're 10 & 13 though, so I also feel it's their choice too, & that their choice might change over time. Another consideration is protecting them if anything hits the media - it sounds cold but putting somw distance between them & him now could protect them in the long run. This whole situation is so hard-breaking as a parent. I'm an adult & a fairly tough one in many ways (have been through a lot) & can suck it up, but they just can't & shouldn't
It's all so hard!
I want the children to know their dad. But I'm not even sure I know who he is.
I want the children to know their dad. But I'm not even sure I know who he is.
This post really brings it home, currently 36 weeks pregnant.
I've got 3 children from a previous relationship, 2 adults,1 under 18 and that feeling of how all this could affect them eats me up inside and it's only been 3 weeks. They dealt with enough stress with the abuse their father inflicted on me and his immoral ways. He was mostly great with them but the selfishness ruined their relationships in the end.
as much as I feel really strongly about baby needing a bond with Dad and family and me supporting him as best I can. If there are lies being told I really don't see how I'd move forward without a clean break.
Currently ss are stalling on any kind of plan of contact, was supposed to see worker this week but she's just gone no contact, I really don't have the energy to chase her.
OH mum asked today when she visited "any news on when he might be able to come home" she's elderly so I just told her no. It makes me wonder if they think I actually have some control over the situation. I really can't bring myself to explain the potential of it being never. Even OH who has insisted hes innocent thinks this time next year everything will be fine.
I really don't envy anyone who's had to explain this situation to a child. I don't think I'd ever feel ready for that. I've seen the trauma my eldest went through because of her dad's ways and even now after 13yrs she still gets upset.
it's becoming really clear that "we" are left feeling like victims and perpetrators with very little compasion to be had.
I've got 3 children from a previous relationship, 2 adults,1 under 18 and that feeling of how all this could affect them eats me up inside and it's only been 3 weeks. They dealt with enough stress with the abuse their father inflicted on me and his immoral ways. He was mostly great with them but the selfishness ruined their relationships in the end.
as much as I feel really strongly about baby needing a bond with Dad and family and me supporting him as best I can. If there are lies being told I really don't see how I'd move forward without a clean break.
Currently ss are stalling on any kind of plan of contact, was supposed to see worker this week but she's just gone no contact, I really don't have the energy to chase her.
OH mum asked today when she visited "any news on when he might be able to come home" she's elderly so I just told her no. It makes me wonder if they think I actually have some control over the situation. I really can't bring myself to explain the potential of it being never. Even OH who has insisted hes innocent thinks this time next year everything will be fine.
I really don't envy anyone who's had to explain this situation to a child. I don't think I'd ever feel ready for that. I've seen the trauma my eldest went through because of her dad's ways and even now after 13yrs she still gets upset.
it's becoming really clear that "we" are left feeling like victims and perpetrators with very little compasion to be had.
It's incredible that how our circumstances may be so different yet we are all on the same hellfire path.
(ex)OH's mum also seems to think our children will be allowed sleepovers at her place with him there in the near future. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it'll be years and years before we can even consider that.
mum1982 I cant even imagine the layers of difficulty you are going through, your present, your past and future unimaginable. A difficult pregnancy+ this. I hope you have support.
I feel these men put so much upheaval into our lives, where for that moment in time they gave zero hecks about ours, and then we are expected to tip toe around their MH, support their rehabilitation, worry about their legal matters, allow/give/consider access to their kids, plus everything else. Whilst we are left devastated and mostly alone.
(ex)OH's mum also seems to think our children will be allowed sleepovers at her place with him there in the near future. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it'll be years and years before we can even consider that.
mum1982 I cant even imagine the layers of difficulty you are going through, your present, your past and future unimaginable. A difficult pregnancy+ this. I hope you have support.
I feel these men put so much upheaval into our lives, where for that moment in time they gave zero hecks about ours, and then we are expected to tip toe around their MH, support their rehabilitation, worry about their legal matters, allow/give/consider access to their kids, plus everything else. Whilst we are left devastated and mostly alone.
FromTheAshes I'm so lucky to have my grown up daughters at home. I've promised myself there will be no more tears in front of them.
Must be so difficult for the older generation to understand these kind of crimes. years ago I bought them a tablet, don't think they ever actually managed to use it. They both have the old style mobiles you can pick up for £10 bless them.
I can't say it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation, seeing that the outcome is never positive and always longterm life changing really makes me wonder how much I can honestly support him
Must be so difficult for the older generation to understand these kind of crimes. years ago I bought them a tablet, don't think they ever actually managed to use it. They both have the old style mobiles you can pick up for £10 bless them.
I can't say it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation, seeing that the outcome is never positive and always longterm life changing really makes me wonder how much I can honestly support him
Mine isn't allowed unsupervised or to live with us. My child loves their dad. Allowing/facilitating access has been an absolute journey to hell. If my child had not been born or an age where they're likely to forget I would have cut all contact. However no matter how much social services have pushed for me to do that (because it means they can close the case with no effort)I won't because it's what my child wants, so long as I can do this within a safe way I will. However, one toe out of line and that's it. But, I'm a single parent regardless; my partner can't really parent properly. It's like having a second child, they have to be constantly supervised so can't offer childcare, all the practical parenting is still on me with no relief as dad can't have overnights or take them away on holidays like your "usual" separated family. Supervision is restricted to only those who know....so limited. If/when they're charged they're likely to lose their job so I'll be left with the sole financial burden too. Nothing about this is fair on the families left behind.
@holdingthegrenade....
just hugs for your message.
it is so hard and i am mere months into it. if/when i do allow visits, it will be supervised and hardly organic for a very long time. whilst we go it alone for a very long time.
just hugs for your message.
it is so hard and i am mere months into it. if/when i do allow visits, it will be supervised and hardly organic for a very long time. whilst we go it alone for a very long time.
My person"s ex wife cut all ties on arrest. The kids were 1 and 4. This was seven years ago. I can't remember who in the thread said up to age three they don't really remember- I do see your point.
My person's youngest knows no real difference and sadly told SS he doesn't have a dad. The eldest however appears more impacted.
I would like to highlight when it comes to consideration of cutting ties- the father can still fight for access and that comes with it's own difficulties. My person tried this but due to the length of time it was deemed too detrimental to the kids. Especially the eldest who seemed withdrawn or scared to see her dad.
It was concluded he will have to wait for the kids to want to see him, and then he has to do another assessment on his risk.
The mother had to attend court during this process, which must have been an inconvenience. She is court ordered to provide updates on the kids.
My person's youngest knows no real difference and sadly told SS he doesn't have a dad. The eldest however appears more impacted.
I would like to highlight when it comes to consideration of cutting ties- the father can still fight for access and that comes with it's own difficulties. My person tried this but due to the length of time it was deemed too detrimental to the kids. Especially the eldest who seemed withdrawn or scared to see her dad.
It was concluded he will have to wait for the kids to want to see him, and then he has to do another assessment on his risk.
The mother had to attend court during this process, which must have been an inconvenience. She is court ordered to provide updates on the kids.
Its just such terrible impact on the kids of the offenders whatever happens. It affects them and the extended family in so many ways and for soooo long. It's cruel for every one all round that this takes as long as it does. All I want is my child to have a happy life, to be healthy and loved and thrive and this situation we're all in really doesnt help us navigate that at all.
It takes such strength, stubbornness and determination for us non-offending parents to get through this. I'm convinced I could survive anything that's thrown at me now because I'm at the point where everything so far has been so awful, stressful, emotional I'm just resigned to getting on with it. The bit that really upsets me is the lack of support from the professionals involved; if it wasn't for LFF and others I'd have cracked under the pressure. Old me would never have believed the reality of the process and what we're all going through. It's absolutely mind blowing
It takes such strength, stubbornness and determination for us non-offending parents to get through this. I'm convinced I could survive anything that's thrown at me now because I'm at the point where everything so far has been so awful, stressful, emotional I'm just resigned to getting on with it. The bit that really upsets me is the lack of support from the professionals involved; if it wasn't for LFF and others I'd have cracked under the pressure. Old me would never have believed the reality of the process and what we're all going through. It's absolutely mind blowing
I made the decision to leave the relationship he doesn't see the children. I can see from previous comments how that might be seen but it is an incredibly difficult position to be put in by someone else's actions, I did not want to be a single parent but his risk (created by his own actions) means he can no longer provide support. I now have to raise my children completely alone with no support system, and it's a hard path to take. I would love to have a coparent who could take them every other weekend or even just contribute to their childcare at all, so that I could have a normal job, not have to leave work every time someone's sick, try to juggle the masses of school holidays, or even just ever see my friends, have a rest or be sick myself.
I am a constant parent 24/7 with no support and the reason I have to be that is because of someone else's irresponsible decisions. Even if I chose now for him to have contact it would have no bearing on mine or the children's well being as it would have to be heavily risk assessed and supervised.
Social services have said they do not want any contact, and will take me to court should I proceed with 'attempting to go down that path' they said if we were to discuss it, it would mean parenting assessments for me, and weekly visits with the children, lots of uncertainty, meetings at school and why should I be subject to that judgement process and the children subject to that rollercoaster for someone else's selfishness at deciding this path for me. Plus I would never risk them taking me to court for my kids.
Essentially if he did get access it would be in a contact centre, which is expensive and my son with Autism would really struggle with. Would it be good for the kids? I don't know.
I guess what I'm saying is the decision isnt born out of selfishness but selflessness I am in desperate need of a break but I can't trust him to be with my children and I can't trust the process to be kind to them and I'm not willing to pile on any more trauma than what he's done.
I am a constant parent 24/7 with no support and the reason I have to be that is because of someone else's irresponsible decisions. Even if I chose now for him to have contact it would have no bearing on mine or the children's well being as it would have to be heavily risk assessed and supervised.
Social services have said they do not want any contact, and will take me to court should I proceed with 'attempting to go down that path' they said if we were to discuss it, it would mean parenting assessments for me, and weekly visits with the children, lots of uncertainty, meetings at school and why should I be subject to that judgement process and the children subject to that rollercoaster for someone else's selfishness at deciding this path for me. Plus I would never risk them taking me to court for my kids.
Essentially if he did get access it would be in a contact centre, which is expensive and my son with Autism would really struggle with. Would it be good for the kids? I don't know.
I guess what I'm saying is the decision isnt born out of selfishness but selflessness I am in desperate need of a break but I can't trust him to be with my children and I can't trust the process to be kind to them and I'm not willing to pile on any more trauma than what he's done.
Although our circumstances are slightly different in that the kids are all grown up and moved out my OH's offence is similar - communication. He maintains that he thought she was an adult, as he had been having online 'conversations' with adult women for some time - a coping mechanism for extreme depression that he successfully hid from me.
I am supporting him and we are still together however he is not able to see the grandchildren which has had its challenges. His own daughter has disowned him, my kids have been more supportive - perhaps because he isn't their 'dad' even tho we've been together 20 years.
My heart breaks for those of us who are mothers, desperate to protect our children yet torn between that and the need for support and assistance with childcare, and the financial problems that needing to separate causes. Also the problems and heartache that SS cause is truly terrifying.
I can't offer any advice to you Ashes - only an open inbox if you need to chat xx
I am supporting him and we are still together however he is not able to see the grandchildren which has had its challenges. His own daughter has disowned him, my kids have been more supportive - perhaps because he isn't their 'dad' even tho we've been together 20 years.
My heart breaks for those of us who are mothers, desperate to protect our children yet torn between that and the need for support and assistance with childcare, and the financial problems that needing to separate causes. Also the problems and heartache that SS cause is truly terrifying.
I can't offer any advice to you Ashes - only an open inbox if you need to chat xx