Access to children
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Hiya,
Long time reader, first time poster.
3 months post knock by a vigalantie group where OH has been accused (with decent evidence) with communication with a child in the 13-16 age range. As with most others, horrific experience for which I doubt I'll recover.
Like many here, totally blindsided. Thought we had a happy marriage and he was happy in the family. So why was he even in a chat room? I digress.
Our relationship is over. But I am still deciding if he can have access to our children. One aged 2 one aged 6. He was a great dad, but he has done this terrible thing.
What have others done? I'm worried of I allow contact it will be seen as condoning his actions - which I don't. But if I continue to cut ties, I'm worried about the impact on the children.
Thoughts please!
Long time reader, first time poster.
3 months post knock by a vigalantie group where OH has been accused (with decent evidence) with communication with a child in the 13-16 age range. As with most others, horrific experience for which I doubt I'll recover.
Like many here, totally blindsided. Thought we had a happy marriage and he was happy in the family. So why was he even in a chat room? I digress.
Our relationship is over. But I am still deciding if he can have access to our children. One aged 2 one aged 6. He was a great dad, but he has done this terrible thing.
What have others done? I'm worried of I allow contact it will be seen as condoning his actions - which I don't. But if I continue to cut ties, I'm worried about the impact on the children.
Thoughts please!
Hi,
I think you have to do whatever feels right for your children. Our daughter wasn't born when we got the knock (hence my username). I made the decision to allow supervised contact and was fortunate to be allowed to supervise by ss.
My daughter has an incredible bond with her dad and I know 99 percent of the time that I made the right decision for her. There will always be an element of doubt about whether it will prove to continue to be the right decision particularly when we have to disclose to her. I worry what her reaction will be and what support she will need to process that disclosure.
Sending lots of love and support to you as you go through your decision making process xxx
I think you have to do whatever feels right for your children. Our daughter wasn't born when we got the knock (hence my username). I made the decision to allow supervised contact and was fortunate to be allowed to supervise by ss.
My daughter has an incredible bond with her dad and I know 99 percent of the time that I made the right decision for her. There will always be an element of doubt about whether it will prove to continue to be the right decision particularly when we have to disclose to her. I worry what her reaction will be and what support she will need to process that disclosure.
Sending lots of love and support to you as you go through your decision making process xxx
Hey DP,
Thank you for your reply.
That is my worry also. What will the kids think when we/I tell them eventually - MANY years down the road. It almost seems dammed if we let him back in. Dammed if we don't.
Are you still with your person?
I hope you are doing ok xx
Thank you for your reply.
That is my worry also. What will the kids think when we/I tell them eventually - MANY years down the road. It almost seems dammed if we let him back in. Dammed if we don't.
Are you still with your person?
I hope you are doing ok xx
I am now. I left initially too. We are almost 4 years post sentencing. The first safety plan was that myself and his parents would supervise but we went back to ss after 18 months and I was cleared to supervise myself which has made things easier for our daughter to have a "normal" life of day trips etc with both of us xxx
That sounds really great for your daughter
I'm guessing your OH can't live with you yet? We're SS concerned when you got back together?
I'm guessing your OH can't live with you yet? We're SS concerned when you got back together?
Would it be ok to message you as I can talk more openly then? xx
It's incredibly hard isn't it? I'm in a different situation in that 'my' case is IIOC related, so I'm still in the waiting on forensics stage (15 months+). He swears blind that he was sent one unsolicited file he instantly deleted, but I honestly have no idea either way. At the moment I'm supervising contant (a day about once a fortnight). It's incredibly hard. Personally I struggle to imagine continuing to support contact if he turns out to be lying & has been intentionally seeking out CSAM. I might feel differently if he'd been honest from the start. So at the moment I'm walking a tightrope of letting the kids spend time with their dad (who they love & want to see), but knowing that might not be the best in the longterm. They're 10 & 13 though, so I also feel it's their choice too, & that their choice might change over time. Another consideration is protecting them if anything hits the media - it sounds cold but putting somw distance between them & him now could protect them in the long run. This whole situation is so hard-breaking as a parent. I'm an adult & a fairly tough one in many ways (have been through a lot) & can suck it up, but they just can't & shouldn't
It's all so hard!
I want the children to know their dad. But I'm not even sure I know who he is.
I want the children to know their dad. But I'm not even sure I know who he is.
This post really brings it home, currently 36 weeks pregnant.
I've got 3 children from a previous relationship, 2 adults,1 under 18 and that feeling of how all this could affect them eats me up inside and it's only been 3 weeks. They dealt with enough stress with the abuse their father inflicted on me and his immoral ways. He was mostly great with them but the selfishness ruined their relationships in the end.
as much as I feel really strongly about baby needing a bond with Dad and family and me supporting him as best I can. If there are lies being told I really don't see how I'd move forward without a clean break.
Currently ss are stalling on any kind of plan of contact, was supposed to see worker this week but she's just gone no contact, I really don't have the energy to chase her.
OH mum asked today when she visited "any news on when he might be able to come home" she's elderly so I just told her no. It makes me wonder if they think I actually have some control over the situation. I really can't bring myself to explain the potential of it being never. Even OH who has insisted hes innocent thinks this time next year everything will be fine.
I really don't envy anyone who's had to explain this situation to a child. I don't think I'd ever feel ready for that. I've seen the trauma my eldest went through because of her dad's ways and even now after 13yrs she still gets upset.
it's becoming really clear that "we" are left feeling like victims and perpetrators with very little compasion to be had.
I've got 3 children from a previous relationship, 2 adults,1 under 18 and that feeling of how all this could affect them eats me up inside and it's only been 3 weeks. They dealt with enough stress with the abuse their father inflicted on me and his immoral ways. He was mostly great with them but the selfishness ruined their relationships in the end.
as much as I feel really strongly about baby needing a bond with Dad and family and me supporting him as best I can. If there are lies being told I really don't see how I'd move forward without a clean break.
Currently ss are stalling on any kind of plan of contact, was supposed to see worker this week but she's just gone no contact, I really don't have the energy to chase her.
OH mum asked today when she visited "any news on when he might be able to come home" she's elderly so I just told her no. It makes me wonder if they think I actually have some control over the situation. I really can't bring myself to explain the potential of it being never. Even OH who has insisted hes innocent thinks this time next year everything will be fine.
I really don't envy anyone who's had to explain this situation to a child. I don't think I'd ever feel ready for that. I've seen the trauma my eldest went through because of her dad's ways and even now after 13yrs she still gets upset.
it's becoming really clear that "we" are left feeling like victims and perpetrators with very little compasion to be had.
It's incredible that how our circumstances may be so different yet we are all on the same hellfire path.
(ex)OH's mum also seems to think our children will be allowed sleepovers at her place with him there in the near future. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it'll be years and years before we can even consider that.
mum1982 I cant even imagine the layers of difficulty you are going through, your present, your past and future unimaginable. A difficult pregnancy+ this. I hope you have support.
I feel these men put so much upheaval into our lives, where for that moment in time they gave zero hecks about ours, and then we are expected to tip toe around their MH, support their rehabilitation, worry about their legal matters, allow/give/consider access to their kids, plus everything else. Whilst we are left devastated and mostly alone.
(ex)OH's mum also seems to think our children will be allowed sleepovers at her place with him there in the near future. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it'll be years and years before we can even consider that.
mum1982 I cant even imagine the layers of difficulty you are going through, your present, your past and future unimaginable. A difficult pregnancy+ this. I hope you have support.
I feel these men put so much upheaval into our lives, where for that moment in time they gave zero hecks about ours, and then we are expected to tip toe around their MH, support their rehabilitation, worry about their legal matters, allow/give/consider access to their kids, plus everything else. Whilst we are left devastated and mostly alone.
FromTheAshes I'm so lucky to have my grown up daughters at home. I've promised myself there will be no more tears in front of them.
Must be so difficult for the older generation to understand these kind of crimes. years ago I bought them a tablet, don't think they ever actually managed to use it. They both have the old style mobiles you can pick up for £10 bless them.
I can't say it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation, seeing that the outcome is never positive and always longterm life changing really makes me wonder how much I can honestly support him
Must be so difficult for the older generation to understand these kind of crimes. years ago I bought them a tablet, don't think they ever actually managed to use it. They both have the old style mobiles you can pick up for £10 bless them.
I can't say it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation, seeing that the outcome is never positive and always longterm life changing really makes me wonder how much I can honestly support him
Mine isn't allowed unsupervised or to live with us. My child loves their Dad and they had a really good bond. Allowing/facilitating access has been an absolute journey to hell purely because of the stress of social services.
I've said it to his face so I'll say it here. If my child had not been born or was under 3 (an age where they're likely to forget) I would have cut all contact as it would be better for my child and me. However no matter how much as have pushed for me to do that-I won't because it's what my child wants, so long as I can do this within a safe way and my child wants this I will. However, one toe out of line and that's it. No contact. But essentially, I'm a single parent regardless; my partner can't really parent properly. It's like having a second child, they have to be constantly supervised so can't offer childcare, all the practical parenting is still on me with no relief as dad can't have overnights or take them away on holidays like your "usual" separated family. Supervision is restricted to only those who know....so limited. If/when they're charged they're likely to lose their job so I'll be left with the sole financial burden too. Nothing about this is fair on the families left behind.
I've said it to his face so I'll say it here. If my child had not been born or was under 3 (an age where they're likely to forget) I would have cut all contact as it would be better for my child and me. However no matter how much as have pushed for me to do that-I won't because it's what my child wants, so long as I can do this within a safe way and my child wants this I will. However, one toe out of line and that's it. No contact. But essentially, I'm a single parent regardless; my partner can't really parent properly. It's like having a second child, they have to be constantly supervised so can't offer childcare, all the practical parenting is still on me with no relief as dad can't have overnights or take them away on holidays like your "usual" separated family. Supervision is restricted to only those who know....so limited. If/when they're charged they're likely to lose their job so I'll be left with the sole financial burden too. Nothing about this is fair on the families left behind.
@holdingthegrenade....
just hugs for your message.
it is so hard and i am mere months into it. if/when i do allow visits, it will be supervised and hardly organic for a very long time. whilst we go it alone for a very long time.
just hugs for your message.
it is so hard and i am mere months into it. if/when i do allow visits, it will be supervised and hardly organic for a very long time. whilst we go it alone for a very long time.
My person"s ex wife cut all ties on arrest. The kids were 1 and 4. This was seven years ago. I can't remember who in the thread said up to age three they don't really remember- I do see your point.
My person's youngest knows no real difference and sadly told SS he doesn't have a dad. The eldest however appears more impacted.
I would like to highlight when it comes to consideration of cutting ties- the father can still fight for access and that comes with it's own difficulties. My person tried this but due to the length of time it was deemed too detrimental to the kids. Especially the eldest who seemed withdrawn or scared to see her dad.
It was concluded he will have to wait for the kids to want to see him, and then he has to do another assessment on his risk.
The mother had to attend court during this process, which must have been an inconvenience. She is court ordered to provide updates on the kids.
My person's youngest knows no real difference and sadly told SS he doesn't have a dad. The eldest however appears more impacted.
I would like to highlight when it comes to consideration of cutting ties- the father can still fight for access and that comes with it's own difficulties. My person tried this but due to the length of time it was deemed too detrimental to the kids. Especially the eldest who seemed withdrawn or scared to see her dad.
It was concluded he will have to wait for the kids to want to see him, and then he has to do another assessment on his risk.
The mother had to attend court during this process, which must have been an inconvenience. She is court ordered to provide updates on the kids.