Still doesn't feel real
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Hi everyone, I'm now almost three months post finding and reporting.
My emergency therapy sessions have ended and I'm still waiting for the work ones to start. I've spent the three weeks really going through it. My antidepressants have been doubled too and I'm taking and am doing my best to inpliment all the advise I was given.
I got a new laptop for christmas which I'm really happy about but also didn't realise that it would trigger me so much too. I did ask for it so I could play the games that I used to on his laptop before finding the CSAM. I've not been able to play the game that I wanted to play the day I discovered what he had been doing.
I'm still unable to bring myself to sit in my living room and on the couch since I'm pretty sure that where he spent time dowing loading and watching CSAM. I spend everyday when I'm not in work in bed but still feel queasy for a while after getting into bed becuase I'm pretty sure he would also watch it in my bed when he went to sleep before me. But I striped the bed of every he used and all the covers and bought new stuff, which is why I'm able to be in bed or I'd deffinatly be sleeping on my camp bed!
I find myself shaking regularly and I have a constant heavy feeling in my chest. I struggle going to work some days because everything just feels to much.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around what I found and facing my life now without my partner and bestfriend. I haven't lost any love for him and wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. I want him to get in touch with me still and explain it all and answer my thousands of questions but I know that will never happen. I hope his Mum understands that I have to report him and that why she messaged asking what had happened that I couldn't stop shaking and was in such shock I couldn't have even sent a message explaing, but by the time I could tell her she'd already blocked me.
What really sent me on a spiral today was a old friend of ours sent me a picture of the three of us from 2019 without knowing that we had even split, never mind all of this. I did however tell her what had happened and they were really supportive and reminded me I did the right thing and that there is nothing I could have done to stop and that I had no way of knowing.
I love him and miss him so much still, it seems like everyday it acctually gets harder to face the reality of all of this. I know that I'm not the only one facing this but sadly doesn't bring me any comfort because none of us should ever have to face this.
I am taking it all a day at a time but any advise you have would be really appricated.
My emergency therapy sessions have ended and I'm still waiting for the work ones to start. I've spent the three weeks really going through it. My antidepressants have been doubled too and I'm taking and am doing my best to inpliment all the advise I was given.
I got a new laptop for christmas which I'm really happy about but also didn't realise that it would trigger me so much too. I did ask for it so I could play the games that I used to on his laptop before finding the CSAM. I've not been able to play the game that I wanted to play the day I discovered what he had been doing.
I'm still unable to bring myself to sit in my living room and on the couch since I'm pretty sure that where he spent time dowing loading and watching CSAM. I spend everyday when I'm not in work in bed but still feel queasy for a while after getting into bed becuase I'm pretty sure he would also watch it in my bed when he went to sleep before me. But I striped the bed of every he used and all the covers and bought new stuff, which is why I'm able to be in bed or I'd deffinatly be sleeping on my camp bed!
I find myself shaking regularly and I have a constant heavy feeling in my chest. I struggle going to work some days because everything just feels to much.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around what I found and facing my life now without my partner and bestfriend. I haven't lost any love for him and wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. I want him to get in touch with me still and explain it all and answer my thousands of questions but I know that will never happen. I hope his Mum understands that I have to report him and that why she messaged asking what had happened that I couldn't stop shaking and was in such shock I couldn't have even sent a message explaing, but by the time I could tell her she'd already blocked me.
What really sent me on a spiral today was a old friend of ours sent me a picture of the three of us from 2019 without knowing that we had even split, never mind all of this. I did however tell her what had happened and they were really supportive and reminded me I did the right thing and that there is nothing I could have done to stop and that I had no way of knowing.
I love him and miss him so much still, it seems like everyday it acctually gets harder to face the reality of all of this. I know that I'm not the only one facing this but sadly doesn't bring me any comfort because none of us should ever have to face this.
I am taking it all a day at a time but any advise you have would be really appricated.
Just did not pass by your note without commenting. Though I am still with my OH, I live with him but we dont do anything together. Though he is here i still miss my old life when things were great and i did not know this world existed. But i chose to create a life for me and joined a club which was daunting on my own, but i have now made some friends. I do not make friends easily as i am quite shy, but it has helped me gain back a little more of me.
I hope time will help you heal and you find comfort in being able to play your games again.
sending you love and hugs. Xx
I hope time will help you heal and you find comfort in being able to play your games again.
sending you love and hugs. Xx
It takes time. Took me quite a while to make the decision to end my marriage. I still loved him but the trust had gone. Took me a long time to remove my wedding ring etc as I still loved him. I miss the future I thought I had.
But I am slowly rebuilding my life. Doing exactly what I want. Not having to consider anyone else is quite liberating.
It does get better. It does get easier. It just takes time.
But I am slowly rebuilding my life. Doing exactly what I want. Not having to consider anyone else is quite liberating.
It does get better. It does get easier. It just takes time.
Hi,
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds very similar to mine. What I tell myself is that I need to give it time, as I'm grieving. I miss and love a person who does not exist. The person I am married to is a liar and he broke my trust beyond repair. I concentrate on being a good mum and support my children through this nightmare.
Have you heard of Children Heard and Seen? They have a peer support group via zoom, which is for partners of sexual offenders. It's really good to be able to talk it out in a safe and supportive environment.
Take care of yourself. X
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds very similar to mine. What I tell myself is that I need to give it time, as I'm grieving. I miss and love a person who does not exist. The person I am married to is a liar and he broke my trust beyond repair. I concentrate on being a good mum and support my children through this nightmare.
Have you heard of Children Heard and Seen? They have a peer support group via zoom, which is for partners of sexual offenders. It's really good to be able to talk it out in a safe and supportive environment.
Take care of yourself. X
Don't ever ever feel guilty about reporting your partner.
A family member reported by son - I've never felt any malice against that as his mum. I'm glad he was caught out, yes it set off a horrendous journey for us all but his behaviour had developed and thank god it was stopped before going any further.
i feel so so sad reading your post, you really must try and seek every ounce of support you possibly can. You really don't deserve to live like this, you are innocent my lovely lady.
im sure the people on this forum can offer you more than I - but i wanted to send you a hug of reassurance and understanding xxxxxx
A family member reported by son - I've never felt any malice against that as his mum. I'm glad he was caught out, yes it set off a horrendous journey for us all but his behaviour had developed and thank god it was stopped before going any further.
i feel so so sad reading your post, you really must try and seek every ounce of support you possibly can. You really don't deserve to live like this, you are innocent my lovely lady.
im sure the people on this forum can offer you more than I - but i wanted to send you a hug of reassurance and understanding xxxxxx
I know it probably sounds like a daunting task, but it sounds like you'd really benefit from moving into a new home which feels 100% yours & is untainted by his crime.