A little help?
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Been on this journey since October 2nd when we had the knock at 7am. Husband was arrested on suspicion of talking to a child who was a decoy/vigilante(we still aren’t sure which we’ve been told ‘law enforcement’ too) interviewed and released on bail with no charges. He received a letter saying they're applying to court to extend his bail conditions for another 3 months!!!
Due to our children he was bailed to his mums house, where he has to live and sleep and she is supervising contact because during a 5 minute call with a duty social worker, 4 hours after the police had called me to tell me what he'd been arrested for and that he couldn't come home so I was in a large amount of denial, I was deemed to not be a protective parent.....
Fast forward a few weeks, husband has been having contact with the children everyday at his mums, nothing really has changed apart from the obvious that he’s not allowed home and has to be in his mums sight with the kids.
We are on a CIN plan, social worker has been to the house a couple of times and has seen our school age children in their schools too. The kids are all happy and settled although they are obviously missing their daddy immensely!
We have our 2nd CIN meeting next week, everything the SW has done doesn't seem to be 'typical' of what I've read online, she's done some kind of assessment with husband, basically going into his childhood and some struggles he's been through. She's also approved phonecalls/videocalls with the kids, which I've been told is a bit unusual given that they have to have their contact supervised by grandma. Hoping to get the outcome of the assessment next week.
Im wondering if anyone can advise me on what I should be doing/not doing.... I've completed all the 'actions' I've been given. But they seem very fixed on my indecisiveness about our relationship, saying that because I haven’t decided what I want to happen between us it’s been deemed a risk somehow. I’ve separated our finances as much as I can(we joint own our house) we don’t spend much time alone because when he’s not seeing the children he’s at work. Any time we do get is consumed by the situation we’re currently in.
Im sorry if my post seems very rambled... I’m not even sure what I’m looking for if I’m honest. I just want social services to go away, worked my ass off to never have them involved(I was a teen mum) and now their front and centre!!!
Due to our children he was bailed to his mums house, where he has to live and sleep and she is supervising contact because during a 5 minute call with a duty social worker, 4 hours after the police had called me to tell me what he'd been arrested for and that he couldn't come home so I was in a large amount of denial, I was deemed to not be a protective parent.....
Fast forward a few weeks, husband has been having contact with the children everyday at his mums, nothing really has changed apart from the obvious that he’s not allowed home and has to be in his mums sight with the kids.
We are on a CIN plan, social worker has been to the house a couple of times and has seen our school age children in their schools too. The kids are all happy and settled although they are obviously missing their daddy immensely!
We have our 2nd CIN meeting next week, everything the SW has done doesn't seem to be 'typical' of what I've read online, she's done some kind of assessment with husband, basically going into his childhood and some struggles he's been through. She's also approved phonecalls/videocalls with the kids, which I've been told is a bit unusual given that they have to have their contact supervised by grandma. Hoping to get the outcome of the assessment next week.
Im wondering if anyone can advise me on what I should be doing/not doing.... I've completed all the 'actions' I've been given. But they seem very fixed on my indecisiveness about our relationship, saying that because I haven’t decided what I want to happen between us it’s been deemed a risk somehow. I’ve separated our finances as much as I can(we joint own our house) we don’t spend much time alone because when he’s not seeing the children he’s at work. Any time we do get is consumed by the situation we’re currently in.
Im sorry if my post seems very rambled... I’m not even sure what I’m looking for if I’m honest. I just want social services to go away, worked my ass off to never have them involved(I was a teen mum) and now their front and centre!!!
Sadly with social services all eyes are on you, I hated that because I'd done nothing wrong. My partner was allowed contact supervised by me and now lives at home with us, he has a conviction for a communication offence (chatting with a police officer). I was clear with social services that we wished to remain a family but I understood the seriousness of the allegations and that my views may change if any further came to light (thankfully my partners was truthful and it was just one conversation). The helpline are really helpful, they can point you in the right direction. I did a lot of work with the kids on safety (parents protect website, nspcc pant rule, plus various books). One social worker told me off for doing things without their guidance but as they didn't give any advice or guidance I just did what I thought was right. We both learnt all we could about sexual offences, grooming, we did modules on Lucy faithful website, we read books. We both had counselling, we talk loads. Its important you know the facts, it's hard to what your partner has been up to but it's very important you know everything. Social services did risk assessments with my partner. We had to do everything several times as the first social worker did it all wrong. I did a lot of extra things as we even had a social worker just make up notes (either that or confused us with another family). This included learning about abusive relationships, coercive control etc, only to prove non of that was relevant to our case or our relationship, but it was very interesting to learn about. I had to stand up for myself, my family and everything I believed. My advice is know the facts, learn all you can, prove you are a protective parent and be strong. You have done nothing wrong, they want to know you put the kids welfare above anything else. I'm so glad social services are no longer part of our lives. It's a long process, they seemed to be in our life for ages. They will probably do a similar thing with you talking about your past, your relationship, family etc, it's very intrusive but work with them. Ultimately they are there for the kids, I hope most people have an ok experience dealing with social services. I would also advice you have someone independent, someone to support you at all Cin meetings, someone who can take notes (I'm glad we did as the social worker just made it all up, without that independent professional present no one would have believed us that those were not the notes from our meeting!).
Social work seems to be where my experience lies. I have had the negative experiences and the positive. Social workers do not work to an exact template, a lot is based on their personal opinion. One social workers views can be completely different to the next ones.
I had a rough time as I stayed with my husband. Acvording to them I was minimising his offence and risk. I was not but I had to fit into their expectations. My advice to you is do get an advocate for yourself, ask social work to refer your children to barnardos advocacy, they will speak for the children and tell social work what the children want. They cannot ignore them. Also, depending on where you live seek marriage counselling. In England theres RELATE and Scotland it is Relationship Scotland. As well as helping your relationship it demonstrates that you acknowledge there are issues to work on to keep your relationship strong and children safe.
Work with social work but do not let them bully you. They are doing what they do at the start. They want you to separate, it's easier that way. Social work is struggling as there is too much work and not enough staff. My last social worker was very open an honest and told me exactly what they do. More need to be like her. X
I had a rough time as I stayed with my husband. Acvording to them I was minimising his offence and risk. I was not but I had to fit into their expectations. My advice to you is do get an advocate for yourself, ask social work to refer your children to barnardos advocacy, they will speak for the children and tell social work what the children want. They cannot ignore them. Also, depending on where you live seek marriage counselling. In England theres RELATE and Scotland it is Relationship Scotland. As well as helping your relationship it demonstrates that you acknowledge there are issues to work on to keep your relationship strong and children safe.
Work with social work but do not let them bully you. They are doing what they do at the start. They want you to separate, it's easier that way. Social work is struggling as there is too much work and not enough staff. My last social worker was very open an honest and told me exactly what they do. More need to be like her. X
Just wanted to say thank you for replying.
Things seem to have shifted a little, after 12 weeks of supervised contact by my husbands mum... social services rang me yesterday and said that although she hasn't finished writing up her risk assessment report, she contacted the police and they have decided that my husband can come home in time for Christmas. Just waiting on the final go ahead which should be by Monday.
I'm presuming the police investigation will carry on in the background cause he still hasn't been charged but I've read that can take months and months. Social services will be involved until the investigation has reached a conclusion.
Things seem to have shifted a little, after 12 weeks of supervised contact by my husbands mum... social services rang me yesterday and said that although she hasn't finished writing up her risk assessment report, she contacted the police and they have decided that my husband can come home in time for Christmas. Just waiting on the final go ahead which should be by Monday.
I'm presuming the police investigation will carry on in the background cause he still hasn't been charged but I've read that can take months and months. Social services will be involved until the investigation has reached a conclusion.