Trawling back through my marriage with a microscope
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Ugh, it's one of those days where I pick up the old metaphorical microscope and trawl back through the 20+ years, poring over the pain I put up with.
My therapist advises not shying away from this, as I'm probably only just starting to see things as they really are (7 months post knock!) and it's part of the grieving process. But it's so hard.
I want to talk to him about it but sometimes it feel a bit.... what's the point? He didn't get it then, nor even try to get it. But he's sort of trying to understand now. It's difficult because I feel like I'm constantly berating him and picking him apart, when I know I don't want an ongoing romantic relationship with him. What am I hoping to achieve? Validation I guess. Acknowledgement that I wasn't going crazy, it really was him. Except I did start to lose my mind in the 6 months leading up to the knock. The gaslighting and minimising and deflection. Being made constantly to feel like I'm the one being unreasonable/needy etc.
sorry for the stream of consciousness. We had some really good discussions this past week and I think they've open the floodgates a bit. I want to get everything out and understand it.
Anyone else been through or doing similar, I feel you xx
My therapist advises not shying away from this, as I'm probably only just starting to see things as they really are (7 months post knock!) and it's part of the grieving process. But it's so hard.
I want to talk to him about it but sometimes it feel a bit.... what's the point? He didn't get it then, nor even try to get it. But he's sort of trying to understand now. It's difficult because I feel like I'm constantly berating him and picking him apart, when I know I don't want an ongoing romantic relationship with him. What am I hoping to achieve? Validation I guess. Acknowledgement that I wasn't going crazy, it really was him. Except I did start to lose my mind in the 6 months leading up to the knock. The gaslighting and minimising and deflection. Being made constantly to feel like I'm the one being unreasonable/needy etc.
sorry for the stream of consciousness. We had some really good discussions this past week and I think they've open the floodgates a bit. I want to get everything out and understand it.
Anyone else been through or doing similar, I feel you xx
I too have spent a lot of time doing the same - it's hard not too! I have no idea what our relationship looks like going forward and I'm not worrying about that at the moment.
But I have come to the realisation I was right that he was miserable and needed help and it was dragging me and the relationship down (ha - if only I knew what was coming).
Sometimes I still go back and look at things and think no that was definitely not me, it was him being the problem. It's nice to have that clarity for myself, even if it is sad. He's now getting the help for himself, albeit a bit late. I hope he takes soemthing positive from it to go forward with.
Much love to you and your brain today.
But I have come to the realisation I was right that he was miserable and needed help and it was dragging me and the relationship down (ha - if only I knew what was coming).
Sometimes I still go back and look at things and think no that was definitely not me, it was him being the problem. It's nice to have that clarity for myself, even if it is sad. He's now getting the help for himself, albeit a bit late. I hope he takes soemthing positive from it to go forward with.
Much love to you and your brain today.
And to you and yours xx
I initially let him know that I wanted to talk/had questions about our marriage, the offending etc. he said he needed time to answer them... I mean he's known about his own offending for years so I don't know how much more time he needs to process it, I've only just found out.
But then anyway I changed my mind and told him I really didn't need those answers so not to worry....
My thinking is, we're not ever getting back together so those answers really don't serve a purpose for me, I don't need that information because it's not going to help me decide if I can trust him etc. again, it's pointless really picking over it. And how can you trust the answers he gives, he's obviously lied to me for a very long time incredibly successfully, so if I can't trust the answer is truthful is there any value in it. He could tell me he loved me, he was attracted to me etc. But he would say that because that's easier? He could tell me he never had any intentions towards the kids but of course again how do I know that's the truth?
What will the answers give you? You can't go back and change how he's been to you in the past. You could talk with him extensively but how can you trust he's being truthful and not just saying what suits his narrative? I found that if I trusted my gut, my common sense and my intuition I could answer the questions myself, if I examined what had been happening in the 2 years leading up to the knock I could figure out those answers and I could trust that way more than anything he could tell me.
I can tell you my theory on my ex if it will help you, but it's lengthy!
This is guess work as the knock was a totally surprise to me but from reading this forum, and what I know about people/psychology/him I can answer the questions myself, are they hard answers yes. But I'm pretty sure they are accurate. And I'm pretty sure they cover alot of married men.
But then anyway I changed my mind and told him I really didn't need those answers so not to worry....
My thinking is, we're not ever getting back together so those answers really don't serve a purpose for me, I don't need that information because it's not going to help me decide if I can trust him etc. again, it's pointless really picking over it. And how can you trust the answers he gives, he's obviously lied to me for a very long time incredibly successfully, so if I can't trust the answer is truthful is there any value in it. He could tell me he loved me, he was attracted to me etc. But he would say that because that's easier? He could tell me he never had any intentions towards the kids but of course again how do I know that's the truth?
What will the answers give you? You can't go back and change how he's been to you in the past. You could talk with him extensively but how can you trust he's being truthful and not just saying what suits his narrative? I found that if I trusted my gut, my common sense and my intuition I could answer the questions myself, if I examined what had been happening in the 2 years leading up to the knock I could figure out those answers and I could trust that way more than anything he could tell me.
I can tell you my theory on my ex if it will help you, but it's lengthy!
This is guess work as the knock was a totally surprise to me but from reading this forum, and what I know about people/psychology/him I can answer the questions myself, are they hard answers yes. But I'm pretty sure they are accurate. And I'm pretty sure they cover alot of married men.
Lrf that's a good point - he isn't a reliable data source.
I suppose as the child of a viciously violent father I've spent my life unconsciously appeasing men, blaming myself for their behaviour and trying not to rock the boat, despite seeing myself as a strong feminist.
So this feels like an opportunity to put my person 'on trial' in respect of our marriage, and get answers/vindication. But I can answer a lot of it myself. I'm starting to see that. There was so much dishonesty and minimising going back 10+ years about what I now see was evidence of the use of chat rooms, albeit allegedly not actively seeking illegal material. Then apps came along and he could lose himself to the world in the comfort of the toilet, spare room, an empty house etc. and his thresholds became less discerning as the need for more online interaction increased!
I suppose as the child of a viciously violent father I've spent my life unconsciously appeasing men, blaming myself for their behaviour and trying not to rock the boat, despite seeing myself as a strong feminist.
So this feels like an opportunity to put my person 'on trial' in respect of our marriage, and get answers/vindication. But I can answer a lot of it myself. I'm starting to see that. There was so much dishonesty and minimising going back 10+ years about what I now see was evidence of the use of chat rooms, albeit allegedly not actively seeking illegal material. Then apps came along and he could lose himself to the world in the comfort of the toilet, spare room, an empty house etc. and his thresholds became less discerning as the need for more online interaction increased!
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Hi,
i just needed to come on and say that all of these comments are like looking into a mirror. Especially this:
There was so much dishonesty and minimising going back 10+ years about what I now see was evidence of the use of chat rooms, albeit allegedly not actively seeking illegal material. Then apps came along and he could lose himself to the world in the comfort of the toilet, spare room, an empty house etc. and his thresholds became less discerning as the need for more online interaction increased!
The only knowledge I have is the chat he had with the underage decoy, which is what has bought all this to the surface. I've no evidence that exOH was involved in other chat rooms. But i can't believe that this was his only chat, this one time. I believe he went in again and again, needing more and more
And it has me questioning everything.
i just needed to come on and say that all of these comments are like looking into a mirror. Especially this:
There was so much dishonesty and minimising going back 10+ years about what I now see was evidence of the use of chat rooms, albeit allegedly not actively seeking illegal material. Then apps came along and he could lose himself to the world in the comfort of the toilet, spare room, an empty house etc. and his thresholds became less discerning as the need for more online interaction increased!
The only knowledge I have is the chat he had with the underage decoy, which is what has bought all this to the surface. I've no evidence that exOH was involved in other chat rooms. But i can't believe that this was his only chat, this one time. I believe he went in again and again, needing more and more
And it has me questioning everything.
Yes, I can really relate.
I looked back through our 30+ year relationship to see if there were any "clues". I couldn't see anything at all. He was never weird around children or inappropriate. He was never disrespectful to anyone let alone me. He never so much as raised his voice to me or our children and we never argued. Everyone loved him. We did however have one major issue in our marriage around intimacy. He rarely initiated and very early on in our relationship he developed an impotence problem. I beat myself up so so much about it. I was convinced it was because of my weight and he allowed me to believe that. So much so that I went from being 19 stones to under 7 stones, all to see if it made any difference. It didn't. My friends said it was a clear sign of his love and devotion for me, he didn't care about my weight, it was me who he loved. I bought into this, I mean it never ever crossed my mind what the real issue was. Decades passed, we raised 4 children and life was on an upward trajectory when 2 years before the knock, he changed. He changed a lot. He became glued to either his laptop, phone or iPad. I assumed he was just doing stuff to do with his degree. But his attitude towards me changed too. I became convinced that he was having an affair with someone from the university he was studying at. For 2 utterly soul destroying years I'd ask him, is there anything you need to tell me? He'd look me dead in the eyes and say, no, I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be and you're doing my head in with all this because it's all in YOUR mind!!!! Of course a few weeks after the first knock everything fell into place. No, he wasn't having an affair and no, he didn't particularly fancy me because he's a P! The day after his arrest he told me he began having sexual feelings towards children from the age of 12/13. He gaslit me for 30+ years. He kept a lid on it until 2 years before the knock. I could draw an exact timeline in line with the Police"s evidence as to when he changed. He could've taken it to his grave if he hadn't gone looking for those images exactly 2 years before the arrest. There's nothing that can be done or said to me that can change any of it. I feel I wasted the best years of my life and gave it to a liar. X
I looked back through our 30+ year relationship to see if there were any "clues". I couldn't see anything at all. He was never weird around children or inappropriate. He was never disrespectful to anyone let alone me. He never so much as raised his voice to me or our children and we never argued. Everyone loved him. We did however have one major issue in our marriage around intimacy. He rarely initiated and very early on in our relationship he developed an impotence problem. I beat myself up so so much about it. I was convinced it was because of my weight and he allowed me to believe that. So much so that I went from being 19 stones to under 7 stones, all to see if it made any difference. It didn't. My friends said it was a clear sign of his love and devotion for me, he didn't care about my weight, it was me who he loved. I bought into this, I mean it never ever crossed my mind what the real issue was. Decades passed, we raised 4 children and life was on an upward trajectory when 2 years before the knock, he changed. He changed a lot. He became glued to either his laptop, phone or iPad. I assumed he was just doing stuff to do with his degree. But his attitude towards me changed too. I became convinced that he was having an affair with someone from the university he was studying at. For 2 utterly soul destroying years I'd ask him, is there anything you need to tell me? He'd look me dead in the eyes and say, no, I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be and you're doing my head in with all this because it's all in YOUR mind!!!! Of course a few weeks after the first knock everything fell into place. No, he wasn't having an affair and no, he didn't particularly fancy me because he's a P! The day after his arrest he told me he began having sexual feelings towards children from the age of 12/13. He gaslit me for 30+ years. He kept a lid on it until 2 years before the knock. I could draw an exact timeline in line with the Police"s evidence as to when he changed. He could've taken it to his grave if he hadn't gone looking for those images exactly 2 years before the arrest. There's nothing that can be done or said to me that can change any of it. I feel I wasted the best years of my life and gave it to a liar. X
Also, you're right, we'll never get straight answers from them. They've spent years making excuses and gaslighting us to suit their own ends. I'll never believe a word he ever says to me again. I believe he loved me, still does, in his own way but it was never in the way a married couple should be and I'm so very hurt by that and feel as though I've missed out on having a proper, true and decent marriage. X
Ashes and LittleRobin hugs xx
My person is starting to acknowledge / accept the gravity of his behaviour but I think you're all right, there's little to be gained from bringing up specifics and asking him to attest to their significance or otherwise.
i know when the police provide what they've found, I'll be unable to resist going through it by date / time and cross checking against calendars, or own chat histories etc to see what I missed / was intentionally distracted from.
i know for a fact that the day of the decoy chat, I'd thought was a lovely day and we'd 'been intimate' at lunchtime, as it was part of the weekly routine, which was me desperately trying to be enough for him around work, parenting etc.
I'm very much starting to see he was not enough for me.
My person is starting to acknowledge / accept the gravity of his behaviour but I think you're all right, there's little to be gained from bringing up specifics and asking him to attest to their significance or otherwise.
i know when the police provide what they've found, I'll be unable to resist going through it by date / time and cross checking against calendars, or own chat histories etc to see what I missed / was intentionally distracted from.
i know for a fact that the day of the decoy chat, I'd thought was a lovely day and we'd 'been intimate' at lunchtime, as it was part of the weekly routine, which was me desperately trying to be enough for him around work, parenting etc.
I'm very much starting to see he was not enough for me.
I've done the same
Our marriage wasn't dazzling but I thought we were happy. Yes I put more in than he did but isn't that what happens when you're a mother, wife, work full time and are essentially the one who keeps everything together. he had mental health issues that he hid and bottled up until he had a breakdown. I supported him, I ploughed even more effort into helping him and it still wasn't enough because he'd been doing this. I gave everything, after the knock and in our dealings with SS just to keep a roof over our head and my child some level of normal and happy and safe. my mental health suffered, and I realised that sadly he was going to drag me (and most importantly our child) down with him.
I need to be there for my child and I need to put me first. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad wife. He has the problems, I tried but it wasn't enough; we weren't enough so he has to sort that. Not me. I'm tired of fighting for someone who won't also try help themselves. I've realised how selfish he's been the whole marriage, rarely ever putting others (or us) first, this whole scenario has just confirmed it and opened my eyes to it. I wish it had been drink or drugs because then the help would be there and the stigma wouldn't. But here we are, and I've just got to pick up the pieces and carry on. Because that's what we do.
Our marriage wasn't dazzling but I thought we were happy. Yes I put more in than he did but isn't that what happens when you're a mother, wife, work full time and are essentially the one who keeps everything together. he had mental health issues that he hid and bottled up until he had a breakdown. I supported him, I ploughed even more effort into helping him and it still wasn't enough because he'd been doing this. I gave everything, after the knock and in our dealings with SS just to keep a roof over our head and my child some level of normal and happy and safe. my mental health suffered, and I realised that sadly he was going to drag me (and most importantly our child) down with him.
I need to be there for my child and I need to put me first. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad wife. He has the problems, I tried but it wasn't enough; we weren't enough so he has to sort that. Not me. I'm tired of fighting for someone who won't also try help themselves. I've realised how selfish he's been the whole marriage, rarely ever putting others (or us) first, this whole scenario has just confirmed it and opened my eyes to it. I wish it had been drink or drugs because then the help would be there and the stigma wouldn't. But here we are, and I've just got to pick up the pieces and carry on. Because that's what we do.