How can I do this?
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Hello all,
So after 14 months of this journey,my OH sentencing is on Wednesday.
Pre sentence report was done last week and my OH found it really positive and was glad he had the chance to do one. The PO that did it was respecful and lovely and told him that this is getting more and more often and now hes seeing 3/4 a week and although not minimizing but my OH was the lowest hes ever seen. My OH finally felt like he had a voice after 14 months of just keeping quiet, he was able to talk, he was able to show proof of what hes done from then to this point and PO told him he could see hes worked hard to see what led him to do what hes done etc.
He then told him he works really close with the Judge (thankfully we have the same judge from the plea too) and has been doing this job longer than shes been a judge so has been there with her from day 1 and that although she does not have to follow his recommendations, that 9 times out of 10 she does go with his recommendations and that in all the time hes been a PO, hes never recommended a low recommendation for this offence than what hes putting forward for him.
At the plea hearing, the judge told him and his barrister, that it was not custodial and that starting point was 18 months suspended or high level community order but that was without the pre sentence report and other mitigating factors so me and my OH had just been going of the starting point.
Wednesday is the Last and first for us. I am seeing it as the last day of the journey to some extend and the first for pushing forward until sentence is done. one chapter closed and another one open.
However my issue is our SW, shes really affecting my mental health (i already have high functioning anxiety). Shes already judged us, twisted things, abused the "power" she holds, and she makes me feel sick with dread when i know she is coming.
our old sw closed the case with a safety plan, very quickly after the knock and unfortantly he left for another department but he was so approachable, the children formed a great trusted bond with him and he understood our emotions etc but also worked well with us all and our support people too.
Our new one is awful, even my oldest (7) has said she no longer wants to speak to her at school without another adult there etc.
I have written a complaint but darent send it, i know i have to suck it up and work with them and i mean why wouldnt i want to work with them for the sake of my children but she is draining me, i thought it was just me but his mum has already filed a complaint against her.
i hate the fact im complaining about a social worker, i know and undestand her role, i know why she needs to be involved and all i want to do is work WITH her but i feel my parental rights and respoibilty has been stripped. Ive worked in a day care for years so i understand her role in childrens lives and families lives but how she is treating us is personal.
my mental health is declining, and when i sit and think about where its triggered from, its her. its like i now no longer have the right to be listened to, i no longer have the right to be heard and i have to accept that i have to "shut up and put up". Is this really beneficial for the children this way?
anyway how do i get through this week?
im really fearful of the media being there (although hoping that there wont be any as his barrister alone confirmed he is in trials all day so the day also worked great for him as he was already there, so hoping press would see more intrest in trials than a sentencing).
Is there life after this?
any positive stories after sentencing (with or without SS)
hanging on to a future that dont seem to be there is diffcult, i keep telling myself it isnt forever but it already feels like its been forever.
Looking forward for a uk weekend break at end of febuary with OH (thanks to my mum) to just be able to breath and have 2 days of just hopefully switching off the past and the current and start the journey on figuring out rebuilding =. WELL that if SS dont stop us, although pretty sure they cant.
He is going to tell his offending manager and PO when he sees them although we know we dont have to with his offending manager but we just want to be transparent,
any any advice on how to get through this part is so appreciated xx
So after 14 months of this journey,my OH sentencing is on Wednesday.
Pre sentence report was done last week and my OH found it really positive and was glad he had the chance to do one. The PO that did it was respecful and lovely and told him that this is getting more and more often and now hes seeing 3/4 a week and although not minimizing but my OH was the lowest hes ever seen. My OH finally felt like he had a voice after 14 months of just keeping quiet, he was able to talk, he was able to show proof of what hes done from then to this point and PO told him he could see hes worked hard to see what led him to do what hes done etc.
He then told him he works really close with the Judge (thankfully we have the same judge from the plea too) and has been doing this job longer than shes been a judge so has been there with her from day 1 and that although she does not have to follow his recommendations, that 9 times out of 10 she does go with his recommendations and that in all the time hes been a PO, hes never recommended a low recommendation for this offence than what hes putting forward for him.
At the plea hearing, the judge told him and his barrister, that it was not custodial and that starting point was 18 months suspended or high level community order but that was without the pre sentence report and other mitigating factors so me and my OH had just been going of the starting point.
Wednesday is the Last and first for us. I am seeing it as the last day of the journey to some extend and the first for pushing forward until sentence is done. one chapter closed and another one open.
However my issue is our SW, shes really affecting my mental health (i already have high functioning anxiety). Shes already judged us, twisted things, abused the "power" she holds, and she makes me feel sick with dread when i know she is coming.
our old sw closed the case with a safety plan, very quickly after the knock and unfortantly he left for another department but he was so approachable, the children formed a great trusted bond with him and he understood our emotions etc but also worked well with us all and our support people too.
Our new one is awful, even my oldest (7) has said she no longer wants to speak to her at school without another adult there etc.
I have written a complaint but darent send it, i know i have to suck it up and work with them and i mean why wouldnt i want to work with them for the sake of my children but she is draining me, i thought it was just me but his mum has already filed a complaint against her.
i hate the fact im complaining about a social worker, i know and undestand her role, i know why she needs to be involved and all i want to do is work WITH her but i feel my parental rights and respoibilty has been stripped. Ive worked in a day care for years so i understand her role in childrens lives and families lives but how she is treating us is personal.
my mental health is declining, and when i sit and think about where its triggered from, its her. its like i now no longer have the right to be listened to, i no longer have the right to be heard and i have to accept that i have to "shut up and put up". Is this really beneficial for the children this way?
anyway how do i get through this week?
im really fearful of the media being there (although hoping that there wont be any as his barrister alone confirmed he is in trials all day so the day also worked great for him as he was already there, so hoping press would see more intrest in trials than a sentencing).
Is there life after this?
any positive stories after sentencing (with or without SS)
hanging on to a future that dont seem to be there is diffcult, i keep telling myself it isnt forever but it already feels like its been forever.
Looking forward for a uk weekend break at end of febuary with OH (thanks to my mum) to just be able to breath and have 2 days of just hopefully switching off the past and the current and start the journey on figuring out rebuilding =. WELL that if SS dont stop us, although pretty sure they cant.
He is going to tell his offending manager and PO when he sees them although we know we dont have to with his offending manager but we just want to be transparent,
any any advice on how to get through this part is so appreciated xx
You can do this because you have little people depending on you. You've been so super strong through all of this and this is the final stretch. The social worker thing you will figure that out, one way or another. But just take this week one day at a time. Things will fall into place. Just keep thinking wednesday night you are going to be able to take a really big breath!
That break is getting closer and closer as the days go by! You've got this!
That break is getting closer and closer as the days go by! You've got this!
I do agree with marauder saying to take one day at a time this week and to let tomorrow look after itself as this is such a key week for you all.
But I wanted to add that how you described your SW didn't sound like a 'complaint' to me but more like you pointing out how her attitude was making you feel and how damaging that was getting for all of you, but especially your children, whose welfare after all is supposed to be the extent and focus of her professional responsibility. Anything affecting that is relevant and if that includes her own behaviour and attitude towards you then her team leader should know. If she's like this with you then it's a dead cert she's like it with others. I'm guessing that you're scared to upset her in case it makes her worse but although you won't be her favourite person she is likely to watch herself. Could you email her team manager basically explaining the things you've set out in your post so sensitively - you might find she's swappped with someone else for future dealings or if not that she behaves a bit better with you - and anyone else.
But I wanted to add that how you described your SW didn't sound like a 'complaint' to me but more like you pointing out how her attitude was making you feel and how damaging that was getting for all of you, but especially your children, whose welfare after all is supposed to be the extent and focus of her professional responsibility. Anything affecting that is relevant and if that includes her own behaviour and attitude towards you then her team leader should know. If she's like this with you then it's a dead cert she's like it with others. I'm guessing that you're scared to upset her in case it makes her worse but although you won't be her favourite person she is likely to watch herself. Could you email her team manager basically explaining the things you've set out in your post so sensitively - you might find she's swappped with someone else for future dealings or if not that she behaves a bit better with you - and anyone else.
Marauder91- Thank you so much, you dont know how much that means. You would think 14 months on, close to the end of this journey, i would be looking forward to putting it behind us, i know my OH is feeling some sort of relief that he is getting his punishment so he can close the chapter, he said hes accepted whatever it is and just wants to work through it. i thought i would of said this too, i can accept whatever he gets and ill welcome it with open arms just knowing that chapter is behind us but the risk of media/press and then SS is sucking out every little bit of life that i have left in me.
Rainyday52- Thank you so much, yeah your right, im so worried that things will worse. shes already twisted things, and really done things that i beleive she has no power too. Shes coming tonight after school as a "drop in" and im already dreading it. i feel sick with it, my anxiety is through the roof. My OH had already said that i felt like there was judgements and that i felt that i was being judged for maintaining the relationship and that i felt pressured to end it (which i strongly did) and said said well i havent DIRECTLY said that which she didnt but she has certainly indirectly said it. Thats just a little tiny issue, they sadly get worse.
She knows i have high functioning anxiety (way before the knock and my medical records would show that) but shes tried blaming it on my OH saying it was only because of what hes done and then she said because of my anxiety that i will twist things to convince my mind its true.
I believed thats what my head was doing so kept quiet, until my mum commented on her behvuour and my OH mum cannot wait to see her thursday as she is not happy with how she has even treated them and she will be taking it further.
When i write it down, it all seems so petty and "moaning" but its really damaging and affecting me and the children. surely 7 adults (me, OH,his parents, my parents and my sister) cant be wrong that clearly there is a issue. xx
Rainyday52- Thank you so much, yeah your right, im so worried that things will worse. shes already twisted things, and really done things that i beleive she has no power too. Shes coming tonight after school as a "drop in" and im already dreading it. i feel sick with it, my anxiety is through the roof. My OH had already said that i felt like there was judgements and that i felt that i was being judged for maintaining the relationship and that i felt pressured to end it (which i strongly did) and said said well i havent DIRECTLY said that which she didnt but she has certainly indirectly said it. Thats just a little tiny issue, they sadly get worse.
She knows i have high functioning anxiety (way before the knock and my medical records would show that) but shes tried blaming it on my OH saying it was only because of what hes done and then she said because of my anxiety that i will twist things to convince my mind its true.
I believed thats what my head was doing so kept quiet, until my mum commented on her behvuour and my OH mum cannot wait to see her thursday as she is not happy with how she has even treated them and she will be taking it further.
When i write it down, it all seems so petty and "moaning" but its really damaging and affecting me and the children. surely 7 adults (me, OH,his parents, my parents and my sister) cant be wrong that clearly there is a issue. xx