I’m not sure what to do
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hi guys. I really need your advice and help. I really don't know what to do. so my youngest son's partner is now pregnant and he's adamant I should have input into the child's life BUT my ex-husband has been round to my son's partner's mother and informed her about my OH's past. this is where it gets complicated. I haven't told my son that my OH has re-offended and I'm really scared to it and I don't know how to tell him because when it all first came out that he had offended none of my children wanted anything to do with me, but since then my youngest son has come round and has built a good relationship with my OH but now my ex-husband has informed his partner's mother of my OH passed my son is furious and I'm scared and I don't know how to tell him that my OH has reoffended and I'm scared I'm going to lose him again so do I tell my son or do I wait and see what happens with my OHI really am lost and don't know what to do please guys your advice would really be greatly appreciated
All you can be is honest, I think he'll take it harder if he finds it out from someone else and that you haven't told him. But your OH has reoffended .... I can't tell you what to do but is it worth thinking about if that is a relationship you still want to be in when he's offended again and you might have to lose the relationship with your son to stay in a relationship with him?
Oh Stan cat I can feel your turmoil. I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Is your son furious at your ex for overstepping and telling his partner's mother? Was his partner already aware of the previous offending?
Whatever you choose to do there is a risk of losing your son. If you tell him now he will likely be hurt that you allowed him to build a relationship back up with your OH. If you ride it out until sentencing hoping for no media coverage then you run the risk of your son allowing your OH to be around his child and I feel that is something he should be able to choose to do whilst having all the information to make an informed decision.
There is also the very real risk that your ex may raise concerns with social services and then your son and his partner would come under their scrutiny. Would it be possible to suggest to your son that just you have a relationship with your grandchild and your OH doesn't attend gatherings where the child will be present? It's perhaps a starting point to give you a little more time to make a decision xxx
Whatever you choose to do there is a risk of losing your son. If you tell him now he will likely be hurt that you allowed him to build a relationship back up with your OH. If you ride it out until sentencing hoping for no media coverage then you run the risk of your son allowing your OH to be around his child and I feel that is something he should be able to choose to do whilst having all the information to make an informed decision.
There is also the very real risk that your ex may raise concerns with social services and then your son and his partner would come under their scrutiny. Would it be possible to suggest to your son that just you have a relationship with your grandchild and your OH doesn't attend gatherings where the child will be present? It's perhaps a starting point to give you a little more time to make a decision xxx
Your son really needs to hear it from you ASAP, or from both of you, given he's built up an independent relationship with your OH & it's your OH's crime. Realistically I'm guessing you won't be able to keep it from him even without press involvement (even if that was the right thing to do), as there'll be probation involvement down the line and I think from what I've read here they will rightly be concerned about any children your OH might have contact with. But TBH I'm with the other poster about potential choices
I really feel for you, but I do think the more we talk about things and be as honest as we can be the better. Especially where family will be directly affected.
I told my sister in law and she's very senior in SS in my area and now won't and can't have anything to do with my OH. I had to tell her he was on the SOR if we had any hope of being able to spend time together with my niece as a family, but I understand it would be crossing a professional - and it's become obvious also a personal boundary, so there you go. I'm dealing with that now.
My mum has gone distant with me, heartbreaking, we have always been so close. She's in her late 70's and I don't know how much time we have left and it breaks my heart to think this has affected our relationship. However because I've backed off a bit to get some space, she's guess what ....spending more time talking about the situation with my sister in law rather than listening to me. Mum said in a panic yesterday, the kids will end up on a list with SS....she's scared for the kids, scared for what people will think, scared how people will react - she's always been a massive worrier and often I've felt like both my parents helicopter me even though I'm 46 (!!!), so it's a perfect anxiety storm.
These are all the things I'm frightened of too, but worrying about an unknown situation is counter productive and so I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.
My parents have both said they don't think my OH should be coming to my address anymore ....I think we all know where this is heading. Appearing supportive but trying ti drive a wedge between me and my OH. Or at least that's how it feels.
In brighter news had a great conversation with the PO for the PPU yesterday who'll work with my OH whilst he's on the SOR. Super supportive, explained that he has a case load of 70 and my OH is at the bottom of his list for concerns. Felt my support had been a great impact on my OH and that we were a strong couple and he was really pleased with all his pre-sentence engagement with rehabilitation. Asked me what I knew, which is everything and he even said 'you know more than me.' I don't think it will be too long before we can get him to low risk and then hopefully very low. The saddest part was, he agreed that the sentencing guidelines for making should not be dealt with as possession, he had another client to speak to yesterday who had possession of 2,000 images and in court it will basically classed and dealt with as the same charge as my OH.
My ex husband been the absolute rock once again and was also pleased to hear about this news from the PO. His words were 'all this damage for a flawed system' .....
Rant over, sorry! Needed to get that off my chest this morning. Love to all xxx
I told my sister in law and she's very senior in SS in my area and now won't and can't have anything to do with my OH. I had to tell her he was on the SOR if we had any hope of being able to spend time together with my niece as a family, but I understand it would be crossing a professional - and it's become obvious also a personal boundary, so there you go. I'm dealing with that now.
My mum has gone distant with me, heartbreaking, we have always been so close. She's in her late 70's and I don't know how much time we have left and it breaks my heart to think this has affected our relationship. However because I've backed off a bit to get some space, she's guess what ....spending more time talking about the situation with my sister in law rather than listening to me. Mum said in a panic yesterday, the kids will end up on a list with SS....she's scared for the kids, scared for what people will think, scared how people will react - she's always been a massive worrier and often I've felt like both my parents helicopter me even though I'm 46 (!!!), so it's a perfect anxiety storm.
These are all the things I'm frightened of too, but worrying about an unknown situation is counter productive and so I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.
My parents have both said they don't think my OH should be coming to my address anymore ....I think we all know where this is heading. Appearing supportive but trying ti drive a wedge between me and my OH. Or at least that's how it feels.
In brighter news had a great conversation with the PO for the PPU yesterday who'll work with my OH whilst he's on the SOR. Super supportive, explained that he has a case load of 70 and my OH is at the bottom of his list for concerns. Felt my support had been a great impact on my OH and that we were a strong couple and he was really pleased with all his pre-sentence engagement with rehabilitation. Asked me what I knew, which is everything and he even said 'you know more than me.' I don't think it will be too long before we can get him to low risk and then hopefully very low. The saddest part was, he agreed that the sentencing guidelines for making should not be dealt with as possession, he had another client to speak to yesterday who had possession of 2,000 images and in court it will basically classed and dealt with as the same charge as my OH.
My ex husband been the absolute rock once again and was also pleased to hear about this news from the PO. His words were 'all this damage for a flawed system' .....
Rant over, sorry! Needed to get that off my chest this morning. Love to all xxx