Did he ever really love me?
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Quick recap. Husband was caught by viglante groups and video was streamed on facebook. He left home and the area within a few hours. That was months ago....now facing my first christmas on my own. We were not blessed with children and were each others world, or so I thought. He was my world anyway. We have spoken a few times, getting more frequently now. I am supporting him, we share finances and homes. I would support anyone going through a tough time, especially my loved one.
He is going through therapy and is now saying he is not sure that he wants to get back togther and recommit to our marriage, but says he still loves me, but his therepay is now making him question our relationship. He was telling me all the weaknesses in our relationship, 'to me 'normal' niggles that every couple goes through, but clearly he was struggling but didn't ever discuss things. I did often say I felt he was dissconnected and he always blamed it on work pressures. I believed him and carried on supporting, or as he now points out 'nagging'.
I feel so much hurt. I was just getting stronger dealing with the dreadful way of discovering his addiction, and the fact that he was caught in such an ugly public way. And now I am reeling at the fact that he now thinks there is no future for us.He is ok with destroying our life together and waking away to start over again. He is being so selfish, which I am told is part of the process. Fair enough.
The issue now is that I am now questionning whether he ever did really love me? We were childhood sweethearts, he was my only love. Was what I felt/feel real love? I am looking back at all our many years togther and wondering if any of it was normal or happy. I have no other partner relationships to compare it with. Am I deluded? Have I been ignoring the signs, which in hindsigh were there. I just had never heard of this 'illness' before this happened.
I am so confused. And feeling so distressed. Everywhere around me are happy couples, nagging and arguing with each other, but happy. I want to tell them all to check whats going on on line.....ridiculous I know. But this is really messed up.
He is going through therapy and is now saying he is not sure that he wants to get back togther and recommit to our marriage, but says he still loves me, but his therepay is now making him question our relationship. He was telling me all the weaknesses in our relationship, 'to me 'normal' niggles that every couple goes through, but clearly he was struggling but didn't ever discuss things. I did often say I felt he was dissconnected and he always blamed it on work pressures. I believed him and carried on supporting, or as he now points out 'nagging'.
I feel so much hurt. I was just getting stronger dealing with the dreadful way of discovering his addiction, and the fact that he was caught in such an ugly public way. And now I am reeling at the fact that he now thinks there is no future for us.He is ok with destroying our life together and waking away to start over again. He is being so selfish, which I am told is part of the process. Fair enough.
The issue now is that I am now questionning whether he ever did really love me? We were childhood sweethearts, he was my only love. Was what I felt/feel real love? I am looking back at all our many years togther and wondering if any of it was normal or happy. I have no other partner relationships to compare it with. Am I deluded? Have I been ignoring the signs, which in hindsigh were there. I just had never heard of this 'illness' before this happened.
I am so confused. And feeling so distressed. Everywhere around me are happy couples, nagging and arguing with each other, but happy. I want to tell them all to check whats going on on line.....ridiculous I know. But this is really messed up.
Hi tabs
So sorry your feeling like this. I had the exact same question a few weeks ago until he went I to therapy and it turns out he regrets treating me like crap. His therapist has helped him realise that I am one of the most important people in his life and he should treasure me.
I'm sure further into his therapy he will realise how much he's hurt you and come back and explain why he felt like this at the minute.
On Mumsnet if you want to rant.
So sorry your feeling like this. I had the exact same question a few weeks ago until he went I to therapy and it turns out he regrets treating me like crap. His therapist has helped him realise that I am one of the most important people in his life and he should treasure me.
I'm sure further into his therapy he will realise how much he's hurt you and come back and explain why he felt like this at the minute.
On Mumsnet if you want to rant.
Thank you so much for your advice. x
Oh Tabs.
How awful. I'm in a similar situation in that after a period away I know want to support my ex. However he seems to hate me in all honesty. I don't understand why and it hurts like hell. I've reconciled myself (well, still in the process of) with the fact that nothing can ever be the same again. He isn't in therapy so isn't going through a process. He won't let me in. Full stop. And has been really cruel. I'm happier now without him in my life but I also can't just abandon someone in their hour of need. I went through an absolutly awful time over the last few years and he was there for me. But I pushed him completely away. Now it's my turn. And it's so incredibly tough. I do hope your okay? Xx
How awful. I'm in a similar situation in that after a period away I know want to support my ex. However he seems to hate me in all honesty. I don't understand why and it hurts like hell. I've reconciled myself (well, still in the process of) with the fact that nothing can ever be the same again. He isn't in therapy so isn't going through a process. He won't let me in. Full stop. And has been really cruel. I'm happier now without him in my life but I also can't just abandon someone in their hour of need. I went through an absolutly awful time over the last few years and he was there for me. But I pushed him completely away. Now it's my turn. And it's so incredibly tough. I do hope your okay? Xx
Hi Partner, it is tough isn't it? I've had a few nice conversations with hubbie, but then he gets cross when I question him. He says I'm not his therapist. I don't think he really gets that I need to know what and why in order to sort my own mind out. Our other halves are obviously in distress and don't know how to handle genie feelings. Sometimes I think it may be easier for them if we went away as they won't have to answer to anyone other than themselves, and it is seen as the worst possible crime by society. I really think the legal system needs to rename the online sex offenders....yes they have committed an offence, yes they shouldn't look at illegal images, but I don't think they should be branded as the worst.
We're not going to know until the investigation what we are dealing with. Our other halves need our support, and we need to trust our instincts about the men we love I guess, and ride it out. Here's to some speedy and good outcomes for 2020. We have come so far already, let's hang on in there together!! Riding that wave! Xx
We're not going to know until the investigation what we are dealing with. Our other halves need our support, and we need to trust our instincts about the men we love I guess, and ride it out. Here's to some speedy and good outcomes for 2020. We have come so far already, let's hang on in there together!! Riding that wave! Xx
Hi Tabs,
Agreed with everything you've said. For him, he hasn't been allowed to see his children and believes he won't be able to,now until they are 18. He takes that out on me when he's had a drink and the past two times has been very cruel to me. But I get upset as he can't seem to see that it's not my fault, or that he's pushing away someone who is supporting him. If I bring it up he won't talk about it. Just that he's adamant he hasn't done anything wrong. I get that by ignoring it he's able to continue living his life and he'll deal with it when he knows more. But yes the fear that must be in the back of his mind of being convicted. Publicity. Losing his kids until they are adults. Losing his job. It's a lot of fear and a lot of unknowns. I must switch off a bit or it will destroy my life and I'm raising children alone. I support him at this stage unless there is more than what he says. But I'll just stay in the background for him to reach out to if he needs it. I fear his life will implode once it becomes public. Tough. Yep learning to surf this ride with you xx
Agreed with everything you've said. For him, he hasn't been allowed to see his children and believes he won't be able to,now until they are 18. He takes that out on me when he's had a drink and the past two times has been very cruel to me. But I get upset as he can't seem to see that it's not my fault, or that he's pushing away someone who is supporting him. If I bring it up he won't talk about it. Just that he's adamant he hasn't done anything wrong. I get that by ignoring it he's able to continue living his life and he'll deal with it when he knows more. But yes the fear that must be in the back of his mind of being convicted. Publicity. Losing his kids until they are adults. Losing his job. It's a lot of fear and a lot of unknowns. I must switch off a bit or it will destroy my life and I'm raising children alone. I support him at this stage unless there is more than what he says. But I'll just stay in the background for him to reach out to if he needs it. I fear his life will implode once it becomes public. Tough. Yep learning to surf this ride with you xx