Family and Friends Forum

I'm a bit like that, I need a plan, I need to know what the outcome might be. I really don't cope being out of control.

I was shocked to see its been 4 weeks already since the knock. 4 weeks of me googling, overthinking, attempting some kind of planning.

my oh hasn't been currently charged, been warned of up to a year's wait on forensics. His current bale doesn't even mention supervised contact just none at all with u18's. I'm due to give birth in the next 3 weeks, with those bail conditions there's really nothing I can plan other than to exclude him.

I quite often explain to him about the cases I read about, he insists there is no iioc on any of his devices. He does get a little annoyed when I explain that there could be without his knowledge if he's been sent links or downloaded pornography. When I tell him how there could be NFA and its likely ss would not just disappear because the suspicion was there for a reason(whatever that may be)

I'm the type to plan for worst case scenario.

I honestly never thought someone else's actions could do such damage to my life.

Hi there!
I was exactly like this in those early days, reading, scouring websites, researching. It's our adult son who has offended and we are still waiting to hear that it's gone to CPS 2 years later. My husband is someone who paces himself, only acts once he knows hard facts etc - the opposite of me and that's worked well for us during our 40 years of married life. But it's always been over things like planning a trip overseas, or looking for a new house on estate agents websites, sourcing Christmas ptresents for our family etc so it's worked well.

This time however it's caused huge problems between us as I've felt I had to overthink everything, wonder about outcomes, what might happen, might not happen etc etc. And I've wanted to talk to him about it all, I've sent him numerous links to read stuff and then he's not remembered when I've referred to it later -----and so on. I've got really upset (emotions being rather fraught over the situation anyway) and he's got frustrated with me and upset that he can't find the right words to answer properly. It's not helped by our son who has been living with us and is more like my OH than like me so I've felt like it was 2 against 1 at times.

Anyway, the reason I'm saying all this is that since our son's arrest my husband and I have both developed significant health problems, both of which can be caused by stress on our bodies and I'm wondering if my way of dealing with things has been a contributing factor in this, especially my husband who has been at the receiving end of pretty high emotion fired his way by me. I know it's easier said than done but I so wish I'd made myself be less 'involved' mentally in all of this horrible saga and let it unfold as it happens. That might have been impossible for me to do, knowing what I'm like and only you know what works best for you and your circumstances - knowledge can help us feel we have some control but in this situation that isn't the case, because as we've found out, we have absolutely no control plus it's most likely caused these health problems which we now have to deal with as well as everything else. Not sure why I'm writing all this - maybe as a gentle warning but sent with empathy and a big hug.

You touch on something really important here and I think is worth highlighting and discussing amongst us. Health problems as a consequence of this situation I should imagine are huge - we talk a lot about the mental and emotional impact but as we know mind, body, the gut are all connected.

Aside from my anxiety for which since discovering my OHs predicament and the isolation I've felt from family & friends I now take 40mg of citraolpram daily for low mood and anxiety. I have rashes on my arms, spots on my head, painful periods, knots in my back from carrying the stress, pain in breasts (had mammogram again fortunately the all clear) very loose bowel movements all the time, awful ulcers and sores all over my mouth and in my lips (that are so bad I visited the dentist last week and she said she wouldn't give me a scale and polish because it would be too sore - my fear was oral cancer, but thankfully not), teeth grinding etc.

I do wonder what other impact this level of stress is having on my body as a whole and with an already compromised immune system (had my thyroid removed 8 years ago) I worry I'm opening myself up to a potentially serious health condition. I might be coming across as a bit neurotic but I'm not, this is just my list of things I've experienced over the last 15 months which I fully believe are as a result of the stress these offence causes.

Xx

Same here. My ex was sent to prison for IIOC for 3 years 7 years ago. In 3 weeks time he's going to be sentenced for the same thing. I can only assume he'll be going back to prison. He's my carer and cares for his 83 year old father too. No idea how we're going to cope.

Eye of storm,

I already had Ankylosing Spondylitis, ventricular tachycardia, diabetes and other things when the first knock happened. Then I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. After the second knock, I became bedbound with Polymyalgia Rheumatica for 18 months. It's an inflammatory auto immune disease that usually affects people in their 70's/80's. I was 49 when it started. I have carers now to help me shower she dress etc. I believe this is a direct result of the chronic unbearable stress I've been under. X

I lost huge chunks of my hair, the hairdresser took me into a back room to quietly tell me she couldn't colour my hair because I had huge bald spots and it was falling out so heavily I just cried, I was scared to touch it or brush it because it would just come away in handfuls, then a few weeks later I saw myself on my porch security camera and had a huge bald spot at the back, I had really awful stomach problems and lost about 2 stone, clenched my jaw so hard in my sleep I tore the jaw muscle away from the inside of my cheek along with a diagnosis of PTSD, exhaustion, dehydration, depression and anxiety while raising 4 kids alone.

It's an awful physical toll, when I hear his family minimise what he's done and tell me how bad they have it when I've been to hell and back it just makes me so cross I don't think anyone understands other than partners left behind how this devastating this is, when you never asked for it. X

My heart goes out to you both. Thank you for sharing.

I too am developing bald patches on my head from where I'm (anxiety induced) itching my head in the same places. Desperately trying not to but can't stop! X

The hair was such a big thing for me, mine was trauma triggered alopecia I can say it's starting resolve after lots of work therapy/hair oils/scalp stimulation etc. But it feels like all the bits of your identity are chipped away.... On top of constantly defending yourself and fighting for your life with schools/social services worrying about the children, media etc. it's so much, I really hope yo manage to get on top of the hair, I know it sounds silly but I did some 'self care' just a cheap facemask and put on some meditations (the headspace app is really good) and made sure I brushed my hair/teeth ate a proper meal even if I had to force myself and it did all build up to helping.

I feel slowly like I'm getting a bit stronger every day (most of the time)