Now what...
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Hello! My head is in an absolute mess and I'm not quite sure what to do next... I'm mum to 2 young children and yesterday we got the knock. My husband was arrested for sexual communication with a child and inciting a child to engage.
My world has come crashing down and I'm just not sure what I'm meant to do next. I've requested that he leaves the home but my eldest is already asking where daddy is. So far I'm saying that he's working but what an I meant to tell them?! We were only married last year but together for 12 years. Also am I meant to just go back to work and pretend everything is normal?!
I'm so worried my children and I will be ostracised for our friends and community. Also what will happen if he loses his job and we can't afford the bills?
I know these questions probably aren't massively important right now so close to the event but I'm terrified and so worried for the future.
My world has come crashing down and I'm just not sure what I'm meant to do next. I've requested that he leaves the home but my eldest is already asking where daddy is. So far I'm saying that he's working but what an I meant to tell them?! We were only married last year but together for 12 years. Also am I meant to just go back to work and pretend everything is normal?!
I'm so worried my children and I will be ostracised for our friends and community. Also what will happen if he loses his job and we can't afford the bills?
I know these questions probably aren't massively important right now so close to the event but I'm terrified and so worried for the future.
Bless you, it's an awful situation to be in and even harder when the children involved are too young to understand.
Early days don't put too much pressure on yourself to know what to do. I'm 6 weeks in and still at a loss with absolutely no plan. If you've not had contact already be Aware social services will want to make sure your children are safe and it sound as though your doing a great job.
My OH has also left the home due to bail conditions and ss preference. He has had to support himself so I have had to claim some benefits although there are expenses he will still cover due to me being on maternity leave.
The police are unlikely to give you much information and the investigations can go on some time depending on how much evidence they have or need to find.
Be kind to yourself, you don't have to tell anyone especially if you feel they will judge you. I personally have only told my mum the truth of why we are separated. get as much support as you can from charities and your gp if you feel you need to but this forum is always a great place to get things off your chest, get support or even for a good old rant x
Early days don't put too much pressure on yourself to know what to do. I'm 6 weeks in and still at a loss with absolutely no plan. If you've not had contact already be Aware social services will want to make sure your children are safe and it sound as though your doing a great job.
My OH has also left the home due to bail conditions and ss preference. He has had to support himself so I have had to claim some benefits although there are expenses he will still cover due to me being on maternity leave.
The police are unlikely to give you much information and the investigations can go on some time depending on how much evidence they have or need to find.
Be kind to yourself, you don't have to tell anyone especially if you feel they will judge you. I personally have only told my mum the truth of why we are separated. get as much support as you can from charities and your gp if you feel you need to but this forum is always a great place to get things off your chest, get support or even for a good old rant x
Hey Kit
Welcome to the shit club. Massive hugs as the first few days are horrendous.
I'm fairly new to the club myself. Together a long time. Married. Two small children. Knock came late last year. My inbox is open.
X
Welcome to the shit club. Massive hugs as the first few days are horrendous.
I'm fairly new to the club myself. Together a long time. Married. Two small children. Knock came late last year. My inbox is open.
X
So sorry you're in the club nobody wants to join
it depends on your children's ages but we said that dad was working away. Unfortunately my child was home for the knock and so we said dad was helping the police as part of his working away until we could get our heads around what to do next & How to tell them. A relative had done jury duty recently so that helped not worry them.
We later told them that dad had ben talking to a stranger online and explained internet safety and stranger danger and the police were worried about the stranger asking dad to break the rules online and needed time to check everything out and might ask us to make some changes about how we spend time with family and where people live whilst that happens.
if social services are involved and you get a decent worker; they may help you phrase it in a child friendly way to suit your situation. Don't lie, kids pick up on it and you'll fall apart keeping it going. Just keep it vague and age appropriate and it's ok to say you don't know how long or what happens next but you'll tell them as soon as you know and it's ok for them to ask questions. Also reinforce that no matter what you both still love them and you'll always be mummy and daddy.
As for work and telling people, you don't have to. Worry about you first. Everyone else second. A simple "we're having marital problems and we're having time apart to work it out" will do for anyone you have to tell. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet" also goes a long way, as well as "I'm focusing on the kids and my mental health until I have my stuff together " works well.
it depends on your children's ages but we said that dad was working away. Unfortunately my child was home for the knock and so we said dad was helping the police as part of his working away until we could get our heads around what to do next & How to tell them. A relative had done jury duty recently so that helped not worry them.
We later told them that dad had ben talking to a stranger online and explained internet safety and stranger danger and the police were worried about the stranger asking dad to break the rules online and needed time to check everything out and might ask us to make some changes about how we spend time with family and where people live whilst that happens.
if social services are involved and you get a decent worker; they may help you phrase it in a child friendly way to suit your situation. Don't lie, kids pick up on it and you'll fall apart keeping it going. Just keep it vague and age appropriate and it's ok to say you don't know how long or what happens next but you'll tell them as soon as you know and it's ok for them to ask questions. Also reinforce that no matter what you both still love them and you'll always be mummy and daddy.
As for work and telling people, you don't have to. Worry about you first. Everyone else second. A simple "we're having marital problems and we're having time apart to work it out" will do for anyone you have to tell. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet" also goes a long way, as well as "I'm focusing on the kids and my mental health until I have my stuff together " works well.
First off, I wouldn't lie to the children, even if they are very young. I know that's hard! I speak from experience as family members kept certain serious things from me in childhood and while they had the best of intentions it did damage my relationship with them & my capacity to trust generally. Also children just KNOW (I certainly did).
Re finances, do look at what you might be entitled to in universal credit etc. If you have separated you will be accessed solely on your income. Also maintenance doesn't count as part of your income for UC purposes, so anything he can contribute won't count against you. Weirdly I found getting stuck into the financial practicalities straight away weirdly therapeutic! I think it gave me something to immerse myself in.
Re finances, do look at what you might be entitled to in universal credit etc. If you have separated you will be accessed solely on your income. Also maintenance doesn't count as part of your income for UC purposes, so anything he can contribute won't count against you. Weirdly I found getting stuck into the financial practicalities straight away weirdly therapeutic! I think it gave me something to immerse myself in.
Thanks all, I really appreciate the replies. We're on day 5 now and the emotional rollercoaster is in full force. The kids have had a couple of video calls with him (they're 20 months and 5y) and we're planning on meeting him out and about tomorrow so I'm expecting some questions from my 5 year old as to why daddy isn't coming home with us. Would any of you mind sharing how contact with your children looked like afterwards? I know circumstances may be different for each of us, but have you completely restricted all contact? Or do they have meet ups? His bail conditions state supervised contact which I'll obviously stick to and the police assured me they didn't have any safeguarding concerns with my two.
Thanks for the tips on what to say @Holdingthegrenade. So with us, he was arrested outside of the house when he left for work. They knocked after, while me and the kids were having breakfast, so luckily they didn't see him being taken away which is a blessing I suppose. But I want to be honest with them, I just didn't know how to say it in the moment.
What I'm finding hardest right now is having such conflicting emotions towards him. One moment I'm grieving for our relationship the next I'm furious and disgusted with him for what he has done and for putting us in this situation. I guess time will help but it's exhausting. Thankfully my mum is around and helping me out. I haven't told anyone else, other than the kid's nursery/school - and that was purely so that they know not to let him collect them.
Thanks for the tips on what to say @Holdingthegrenade. So with us, he was arrested outside of the house when he left for work. They knocked after, while me and the kids were having breakfast, so luckily they didn't see him being taken away which is a blessing I suppose. But I want to be honest with them, I just didn't know how to say it in the moment.
What I'm finding hardest right now is having such conflicting emotions towards him. One moment I'm grieving for our relationship the next I'm furious and disgusted with him for what he has done and for putting us in this situation. I guess time will help but it's exhausting. Thankfully my mum is around and helping me out. I haven't told anyone else, other than the kid's nursery/school - and that was purely so that they know not to let him collect them.
Happy for you to inbox me if you like. NSPCC pantosaurus have a cybersaurus kit that's really good-might be useful for the 5yr old. Also there's a child friendly book called someone should have told me that's also on YouTube.
Theres no textbook on how to feel or what to do. My emotions are still very conflicted but they swing less wildly (and haven't got me completely exhausted and affecting my functioning anymore) now we're further down the line and I've sort of got used to it and understand a bit more how this happened from the LFF inform course.
Theres no textbook on how to feel or what to do. My emotions are still very conflicted but they swing less wildly (and haven't got me completely exhausted and affecting my functioning anymore) now we're further down the line and I've sort of got used to it and understand a bit more how this happened from the LFF inform course.