Family and Friends Forum

One of the worst elements for me was the people who said, "you must've known what he was up to". I did not. At all. And the Police proved I did not. Then I cut those people out of my life completely. My other friends simply disappeared when they found out that I was visiting my person in prison. They said they would not have done so and would've cut all ties immediately. Yeah, ok. It's so incredibly unfair and judgemental. I know that they have no idea what their other halves are doing online 24/7. I just hope they never find themselves in this position with a 7am knock. I suspect the "friends" who made these judgements were the people who were most fearful of what their partners might be up to online. I simply couldn't have them in my life. I had enough to deal with. Unless someone is willing to to be kind and supportive, they can jog on. X

you could move and someone might find out anyway, I guess.

Hi EmLou, sadly I don't think there is an easy way to deal with other people's judgements and opinions. It's hurtful and upsetting especially when we know how much more there is to the story.

Some of the people I thought would stand by us didn't and those I thought would turn their backs offered support so you just can't tell how people will respond. What I do know is that in time, other people's opinions become less important.

We are now post sentencing and I deal with things by being upfront with people I now meet and whom I think may become part of our lives, so that they can decide early on whether they want to be part of us or move on.

I recently read something which has stayed with me me so will share it with you;

Kintsugi is a Japanese art that repairs broken pottery with gold.

In the UK if we break a piece of pottery we throw it away or mend it with glue hoping the break doesn’t show. In Japan they put a gold powder in the glue so instead of hiding the cracks they make a feature of them. The idea is that the object looks more beautiful for being broken. It certainly becomes more unique.

This made me think about the journey we find ourselves on and that beauty can come out of brokenness. Our scars are not things to be ashamed of, they are part of our story.

In my own experience I have only had one friend who wanted nothing to do with me. No hurtful comment just that she no longer can be friends with me. This was very hurtful as in all the people in the world i thought she would be there for me. But, others who i thought would run a mile, stayed and have given me nothing but support. What this has taught me, is that people do not always behave in the way you expect. Please try and not worry too much. Easier said than done I know, but people will surprise you. Xx

Ocean - I love the broken being mended by a mix of gold - very interesting.

You fear 'every person' will know about you even when you've been through the media circus, but they don't..... I got in touch with an old friend, saying "suppose you've heard" but she knew nothing!

Ive had 99% support throughout, so very lucky. One lady who always swore her loyalty deserted me when hearing about how I'd decided to stick by my son. So be it, it hurt / but life moves on and you gain other friends.

I can understand your anxieties but take on board each day as it comes and not overthink (I know easier said than done) your fears could strike - then in reality might not xxxxxx

This post has come at the perfect time for me as it's something that quite honestly is consuming me at the minute. My main fear isn't who judges or distances themselves from me ...but I'm really worried about that happening to my gorgeous boys and their friends . Xx

Our daughter has spoken to her close friends about the situation explained the full story the friends all visit the house no issues at all, get lifts from school from oh its like nothing happened, last week after the storm we had some damage oh was out tidying things up 2.of the neighbours came out to help, he felt good as it was like nothing had ever happened the banter flowed and everyone helped. Myself has spoken to a few people about situation but very much carry on with my life and speak to everyone with a good morning or a hi you could tell at first people perhaps didn't want to say good morning back, or not sure whether too, we are a week away from conviction spent oh has his last supervision on Tuesday, no more supervision, no more register and community payback done, is that it over physically now it's time for the mind to heal.

Can I ask what your husbands conviction is please

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling. We stayed together after getting the knock and a vigilante sting video being posted online.

My husband had been talking to women a few years ago and the most common question/statement i have had is, was it under age then? You must have known. I didn't know. I felt I owed everyone an explanation when I decided to stay. 6 months on, most of my friends have disappeared. The 1-2 that have stayed keep getting contacted by someone stirring things.

At the end of the day, it was my decision to stay and I don't regret it. I am stronger, we are stronger as a family. Both of us are having counselling and legal will take it course.

Just want to say, don't grieve the loss of any friends who question you about your alleged involvement. If they are friends, they should know better. I have gone from being a social butterfly to not having any friends but I have my kids and am a stronger person.

Have your children lost friends?

Lifeisover, my Grandchildren haven't lost any friends through my sons conviction despite it being in our local paper and on line on 2 occasions.

Does he still live with them Ocean? It all just feels so unfair the punishment in most cases is so huge compared to the crime it is so much more than what the courts impose

I lost plenty of friends when it came out.

But eventually I decided to end my marriage - not just because of the offending but it maybe gave me the courage to make a decision.

My friends have been amazing and I will now tell anyone what has happened.

I'm now going out with a lovely bloke who has been a friend for 4-5 years. He has no idea what had happened to me. I was sure he would have heard on the grapevine as we share mutual friends.

Don't assume everyone knows.

Mashaal, your experience is very similar to mine. I had alot of, "you must've known". I did not and if I did, I'd have been arrested too. These are the people who are most worried about what THEIR partners are up to. They know that they couldn't possibly know what their other half is doing online 24/7 and it makes them feel out of control. That's their problem, not ours. X

Lifeisover, my son picks his children up from school several times a week and has them to stay at weekend and school holidays.