I got the knock at the door
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This morning at around 9am, I had a knock at the door. It was 3 plain clothes police officers with a warrant to search my house for electronic devices etc. I'll keep it simple because I can imagine if you're reading this you may be going through the same. I read the warrant, and I soon as I saw those words "child sexual abuse" my world crashed around my ears. I've spent to whole day in shock, energised by adrenaline, unable to eat, unable to stop weeing, with thoughts pinging around my head. It wasn't until 5.30 till 2 officers brought my husband home. I was hoping so so much it wasn't true, it was a mistake, but it is true, it's not a mistake. Watching pornography and viewing images of models was the start. He was looking for some software for his computer on a Torrent website and out of some kind of warped curiosity clicked on a link to what I can only imagine were horrendous contents. He's told me as much as his repressed ass will let him, but it seems he continued looking at "less than 20" downloads involving teenagers and children, Category A images. I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to chuck him out, half of me knows he's not a bad person and we may be able to work through it. He wants to get to the bottom of what's wrong with him. And then I feel guilty because of what's he's been viewing. My head is like a washing machine.
Oh Poppet I was where you are almost 6 months ago. I couldn't eat or sleep for days, with my imagination running wild. Whent The police brought my OH home I couldn't even look at him.
It took me a few days before I could hold a sensible conversation with him and he told me some stuff - he tried to end his life and at that point I realised he needed my help and support
Since then he has completed the Safer Lives course and I'm due to start the Inform course.
All I can say is give it time. Your head will be full of the worst thoughts and you need time to process these - reach out to the helpline for information and support
There is no right or wrong way to feel - no time limit of making decisions. My OH is fully aware that I may change my decision to stay, particularly if I find he hasn't been honest with me.
My heart goes out to you xx
It took me a few days before I could hold a sensible conversation with him and he told me some stuff - he tried to end his life and at that point I realised he needed my help and support
Since then he has completed the Safer Lives course and I'm due to start the Inform course.
All I can say is give it time. Your head will be full of the worst thoughts and you need time to process these - reach out to the helpline for information and support
There is no right or wrong way to feel - no time limit of making decisions. My OH is fully aware that I may change my decision to stay, particularly if I find he hasn't been honest with me.
My heart goes out to you xx
Thankyou for your supportive words, I appreciate it so much, and it helps (and appalls me) that I'm not alone. My heart breaks for everyone going through this. I spoke to a lovely woman via the helpline this morning, and she helped me make some semblance of sense of it all. I know no decisions can be made right now, and we both have to take each day at a time. I've urged my husband to get assessed for ASD and ADHD. Both myself and the lady I spoke to think these could be a factor in his behaviour, even before this shitshow - but of course it goes without saying that most people with those conditions do not commit such horrendous offences as these!
He's in such pain and is punishing himself - rightly so, but it's still heartbreaking to see. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I feel like that, considering who the ultimate victims are in this.That should be enough to want to throw him out, but he has no friends to take him in and I just couldn't do that to him, even though he's ruined my life. I also urged that he not tell his mum everything for now, just that we're separating. After all, that's probably going to be true. She's old and ill, and she doesn't need her life affected by this until it has to be if he ends up with a custodial sentence. And although I don't want to lie to my parents, I think I have to for now. They love him and it would devastate them. They're quite black and white and wouldn't see that he needs help and support along with the inevitable justice.
My emotions and decisions are going to change daily. I just have to ride it out and not make any rash decisions. Its more than likely going to be many months before this goes to court. He's been told by his arresting officer that he has to keep continuity, so I feel i have to do the same. But, I'm self employed with a large social media following, and I'm terrified of it getting out and ruining my business I work so hard for.
Let's see what tomorrow brings eh. Just being able to eat more than a banana, a babybel and a packet of Quavers and sleep more than 3 hours would be a start!
He's in such pain and is punishing himself - rightly so, but it's still heartbreaking to see. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I feel like that, considering who the ultimate victims are in this.That should be enough to want to throw him out, but he has no friends to take him in and I just couldn't do that to him, even though he's ruined my life. I also urged that he not tell his mum everything for now, just that we're separating. After all, that's probably going to be true. She's old and ill, and she doesn't need her life affected by this until it has to be if he ends up with a custodial sentence. And although I don't want to lie to my parents, I think I have to for now. They love him and it would devastate them. They're quite black and white and wouldn't see that he needs help and support along with the inevitable justice.
My emotions and decisions are going to change daily. I just have to ride it out and not make any rash decisions. Its more than likely going to be many months before this goes to court. He's been told by his arresting officer that he has to keep continuity, so I feel i have to do the same. But, I'm self employed with a large social media following, and I'm terrified of it getting out and ruining my business I work so hard for.
Let's see what tomorrow brings eh. Just being able to eat more than a banana, a babybel and a packet of Quavers and sleep more than 3 hours would be a start!
One day at a time.
That's how we've survived so far. We've not told anyone bar those who needed to know (adult kids with children - told them before SS did so they were expecting the call).
He's resigned from his job after 6 months off sick with stress and anxiety
Like yours, mine had nowhere he could go and Oddly we are in a better place relationship wise than we have been for years - probably because we now talk about stuff.
Call from OIC this morning extending bail (again). I was half expecting it but it's still frustrating.
And so we plod on one day at a time. Today I feel full of anger and sadness - tomorrow may be better. Xx
That's how we've survived so far. We've not told anyone bar those who needed to know (adult kids with children - told them before SS did so they were expecting the call).
He's resigned from his job after 6 months off sick with stress and anxiety
Like yours, mine had nowhere he could go and Oddly we are in a better place relationship wise than we have been for years - probably because we now talk about stuff.
Call from OIC this morning extending bail (again). I was half expecting it but it's still frustrating.
And so we plod on one day at a time. Today I feel full of anger and sadness - tomorrow may be better. Xx
I've been posting on here just to write it down, and to get some of it out of my head as a form of catharsis, regardless of whether anyone reads it or replies. So thankyou so much for replying.
I'm so sorry bail has been extended again. My persons first bail meeting is the end of April, and I'm fully expecting his to be extended too. I've been told by someone at the helpline that these types of offences went up by 450% over lockdown (how crazy is that!) and with that, and because it's so common, the police have a big backlog. So I'm prepared for this to go on for a long time. We have to try and settle into a new normal for now. I'm hoping the anxiety everytime there's a knock at the door will fade soon, and I'll stop checking the local constabulary FB pages. Rational me knows the chances of it getting out before he goes to court is minimal, but traumatised me is so fearful.
We had a very honest and open conversation yesterday. I needed details as to how the way he is got him (us) to this. It helped to an extent, but I'm now even angrier at him for keeping this part of himself hidden. I feel like even though I've always known he has issues, I've never really knew him. 2 days ago I wanted to rescue our relationship, but now I just don't know. And I'm sure those feelings will change in another 2 days. Or even an hour. Like ypu say, its one day at a time. At least it's revealed reasons about why we've not been intimate for a long time. He told me he's always had issues with that, so at least now I know that part isn't my fault.
He has a nephew who's under 18. He hardly sees him anyway, but do you think SS are likely to call his sister and tell her? We're trying to keep it from our family because of the devastating consequences it will cause.
I'm so sorry bail has been extended again. My persons first bail meeting is the end of April, and I'm fully expecting his to be extended too. I've been told by someone at the helpline that these types of offences went up by 450% over lockdown (how crazy is that!) and with that, and because it's so common, the police have a big backlog. So I'm prepared for this to go on for a long time. We have to try and settle into a new normal for now. I'm hoping the anxiety everytime there's a knock at the door will fade soon, and I'll stop checking the local constabulary FB pages. Rational me knows the chances of it getting out before he goes to court is minimal, but traumatised me is so fearful.
We had a very honest and open conversation yesterday. I needed details as to how the way he is got him (us) to this. It helped to an extent, but I'm now even angrier at him for keeping this part of himself hidden. I feel like even though I've always known he has issues, I've never really knew him. 2 days ago I wanted to rescue our relationship, but now I just don't know. And I'm sure those feelings will change in another 2 days. Or even an hour. Like ypu say, its one day at a time. At least it's revealed reasons about why we've not been intimate for a long time. He told me he's always had issues with that, so at least now I know that part isn't my fault.
He has a nephew who's under 18. He hardly sees him anyway, but do you think SS are likely to call his sister and tell her? We're trying to keep it from our family because of the devastating consequences it will cause.
When my OH was arrested I had an officer here (with several others searching the house) who went through loads of forms with me - I had to give details of all our children and grandkids - addresses/dob/phone numbers.
SS contacted my eldest and his daughter, as they have children under 18 but I phoned them first and told them all I knew (which wasn't much at that point).
They didn't ask for details of my brothers kids (although they are over 18) so unless you or your OH have given details it's unlikely they will be contacted.
I know it's hard but do try not to worry - like you said - we could be in this for the long haul and worrying won't change anything.
Im glad you've spoken to your OH xx
SS contacted my eldest and his daughter, as they have children under 18 but I phoned them first and told them all I knew (which wasn't much at that point).
They didn't ask for details of my brothers kids (although they are over 18) so unless you or your OH have given details it's unlikely they will be contacted.
I know it's hard but do try not to worry - like you said - we could be in this for the long haul and worrying won't change anything.
Im glad you've spoken to your OH xx
Thanks lovely. And if they do phone her, that's his problem to sort out, not mine! Take care xx
hi poppet I'm so sorry you banded up on this forum with the rest of us. It's so hard to get your head round. Loved ones have done specially when you think you knew them so well you are only at the start of this journey, but we will all be here to help you and support you through stuff of the way Try to keep strong thinking of you and sending you loveXx
Stan Cat, thankyou so much for reaching out. I'm sorry you're going through this too. Its like we've been enrolled into a club none of us wanted to be in, but we're starting to find support, understanding, strength, hope and empathy in one another. Xx
So sorry you are going through this. I am the same way one day I love him and want to fix this and other days I cant even look at him. Its exhausting. My emotions changed everyday. I have learned to lean into the good days and give myself grace on the bad ones. Its a lond tiring road. All we can do is take it day by day. Sending strength and love.