Family and Friends Forum

Snap Partner! Feeling sorry for myself too. Been sobbing all day. I feel just like the early days after the knock. Overwhelmed with sadness. Sorry for what I've lost. It's so very hard! I am on my own. Have been since the knock. Have had some good support, but, rightly, they are busy with their families and having happy times. It's a lonely place to be. So you're not alone....I'm with you! A good cry is better out than in and I think we earn the right to feel sorry for ourselves. xxx

Me too, it's so hard isn't it, I've been crying all day for the connections I have lost and the dreams that I had for my son, so glad we can come on these forums and let it out, sending you both love, I personally just want Christmas to be done already xx

Thankyou partner

yes it's my son that's the offender, in a way things have moved on for him but im still stuck in the day it happened, but as you say there are understanding people out there, and everyone on this forum are so lovely and supportive of each other and I cling to that there is still compassionate people around, I just need to find them in real life x

Oh Beckyk and Partner, virtual hugs all round. I don't know about you both but I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next couple of days if today is anything to go on. People who haven't been through this or going through this have no idea of all the emotions involved. It's proper grief, combined with overwhelming fear of what the future is likely to bring. My brain goes to mush every time I think of the worst case scenario. Hubbie seems ok in his broken down world in his own bubble, he has lost all sense of identity and time too. I guess being away from all the reminders make it easier, but I really resent him at the moment. Even though I now know that he is suffering from an addiction, I still hate what he has done to damage our lives. He says he loves me, but how can you do something like this to someone you love.
im trying to avoid having a glass of wine, as I think I would end up having the bottle. Thank you for being there.....good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. Xxxxx

Just wanted to say that this time of year doesn't help, I know last year I felt like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on

We are thinking about the years before when things were good, we weren't on our own Anna we were happy even if, like me, it was a false happy because of what my ex was doing.

I want you to know it does get better, it does get easier and yes I still have days where I cry but they are so much less

I can truly say I'm happy, I don't miss my old life and I'm excited about my future

Hang in there ladies, one day you'll realise at lunchtime that you haven't thought about it that day and you will then start the process of recovery, I'm over 18 months into this, b he's been sentenced and we're not divorced so for all intents and purposes I can start over. I can't do that because I can't forget but I can have a bloody good life and you know what, I've met someone else, very early days but he's lovely and we're just enjoying each others company. Never thought I'd be saying that a year ago

Cry, rant and rave, you need to, it needs to come out that's so normal I can't tell you but one day, in the future you won't feel the need to do it

Take care ladies xx

That should read we are divorced

I hate that we can't check what we've written!!

I know what you mean Tracey re false happy. That's what I'm constantly thinking about. What was he doing this time last year when I thought we weee having a great Christmas. I can't even look at photos without wondering.
I take comfort from your post. I'm so pleased you w moved on and have found someone who makes you happy. Thanks for offering some hope for the future. xx

Tabs you will get through the next few days because you will find the strength just like you have found the strength to come this far, last Christmas I shut myself away and cut myself off because that's all I could deal with, this year is a bit different I feel a small bit of Christmas cheer, although sometimes I have just wanted to get the tree and kick it about the house, in my moments of sadness and fear, and if I hear one more person say well he brought it on himself( yes I know he did) but that doesn't make it easier to bear the thought that my sons life will forever be altered, and it hurts my heart for him, even though he is totally to blame for what he has done, tabs I'm so sorry that your husband has shut down and lost his way therefore leaving you to find your own way out of this mess, I hope time can make him more present in your life, and well done tracy for trusting again and hopefully moving on to a happier life xx

Becky that makes me so mad to hear that people are actually saying to you, his mum, that he's brought it in himself!

They need to think themselves lucky that they aren't in this situation because I know before any of us got the knock we'd have never imagined this happening, certainly in my case of never given a thought to how people were caught and I never, ever thought about the impact on the families

Yes, he did some thing unbelievably stupid but he's going to pay for that for a long long while, it's not up to us to judge, we should just be there the listen, comfort and support and if people can't do that then they aren't friends!

I'm on Mumsnet as TB14 if any of you want to make contact

Xx

Hi everyone. I’m struggling too with the sadness and loss of my life and future with the man I loved, thought I knew and was about to marry. And this time of year heightens everything.

But as Tracey says, there is hope that we will feel differently as time passes. And the possibility of meeting someone!!

This is my second Christmas after the Knock and still waiting for my ex to be charged!

I am lucky enough to be spending tomorrow with my daughter and her partner. And friends have been supportive. But I’ll still be coming home alone to an empty house. Trying not to feel sorry for myself! But hey it’s my Christmas and I’ll cry if I want to.

Love and hugs to you all

Paula xxx

Hi Tracy

yes it makes it very difficult to reach out to family when That is the response I get, and then they wonder why I get upset, I just said yesterday to a very close family member that I am trying to just get support and for someone to listen as I can't keep all this in my head and that I don't want the standard issue replies as they are not helpful and do not offer any solutions, I actually don't know how I haven't cut everyone from my life, I'm very disillusioned just now and feel very let down by those I thought would have my back, only 4 people in my life know so it's very hard that's why groups like this are essential.
well it's xmas eve so wishing you all a peaceful time and hope everyone gets through the next few days without too much upset x

Indulge away partner

it's hard when you reach out to understand and your own trauma is not acknowledged.

do you think he is harbouring deep shame and maybe acknowledging your hurt is making him seem distant and uncaring, I'm so sorry that you opened yourself up to more heartache and I hope you are able to get past this, it's such a crap situation for you to be in, to have put your feelings out there again To be retraumatized

xx

Partner - if you hadn't have gone to see him and try again then you would have always wondered, it was unfinished business. This way you can make a more informed choice about what is right for you. Don't beat yourself up over it, you made the right decision for your at the time.

Paula - my beautiful friend. I'm sad to hear to talk like this darling, you are a special lady who deserved the best and you will get it. Speak to your very soon, love you xx

Only just registered with Family & Friends Forum. Although I am new to this, I have been suffering with my problem for many years. I am a 78 year old mum whose son has reoffended for 30 years now. Each time, he swears it will be the end, but I am now left without anyone nearby to perhaps comfort me. I am terrified that the neighbours in this small Scottish village will find out.

My 50 year-old son was arrested last Thursday morning - a week before Xmas - so you can see how devastating this is for me. Just need a few words of comfort from someone...

Oh Barbara what a terrible time you've had but how strong are you to keep going through it all

This situation is awful for everyone but I can't think how you have coped for all these years

I please take some comfort from this forum, you will find nothing but support and love and on this day in particular we're thinking of you xx

I cannot thank you enough Tracey. Although I burst into tears, I suddenly felt that I was not alone. Please keep in touch. We all need someone. xx

Dear Barbara first of all sending you a gigantic hug! Cant even begin to imagine the agony and pain that you have and are living in, but you are a wonderfl human being, many would have walked away by now but not you as you are the best mum in the world! Horrible time for this to happen again, we are all here to support one another so you have most certainly come to the right place. We feel your pain, it has happened and there is nothing you can do to change that, its time for your son to change now so hold your head up high non of this is your doing, you have not done anything wrong... always here for you my dear xxx

I am so happy to have received such wonderful words of comfort from you all. I really feel now that, after 30-odd years of the same problem, I cannot see that my son will change.

He has been sHent to a really tough prison in Scotland and I know he will find it very hard to take. But this is all his own fault. He has had my undivided support in trying to get him to stop this awful behaviour, but I think it is going to continue, whatever I do.

The best thing I could have done is to join the Family and Friends Forum. It is so comforting to get such positive feedback. I now feel I must try and forge a new life - by moving back to England which I would dearly love, but this obviously will take time. Having met you all, I now feel much calmer and hopefully will be able to cope a bit more with the situation.

Once again, many thank for the feedback. xxx

Barbara, I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through. These men all need to be rehabilitated. Is he receiving help in prison? I hope you are getting help and support too from you GP, friends and family?
ive found this forum to be a life saver. There are somw amazing, wise and inspirational women on here. It's great to be able to talk, rant, and get advice. Together we will get through this. You're not alone. Hugs. xx

Hi Barbara
I just want to let you know your not alone, I'm also mum to an offender and can totally empathise with you, it's just so hard isn't it, but you have reached out so and we can offer you at least an ear to listen and hopefully you will get some comfort from talking on here.
from One mum to another I'm sending you a big hug xx

Hello everyone. Best thing I have done is getting onto this wonderful forum. My son, who is 50, has had previous therapy when he was last released from prison, and it seemed it really worked.

I feel that perhaps this "disease" is incurable - everything has been tried for him and I have mentored and cared for him through his illegal deeds over the years. But now I am having to call a halt. He knows I am sure that our relationship cannot continue - this I know because he hasn't even phoned or written to me from the prison he has been sent to.

Take each day as it comes seems to be the only answer. I did read in the "Still Reeling" booklet that normality does come back - just have to be patient I suppose.

Many thanks for all your kind wishes.

Barbara,

So sorry to read your story. You sound like you have done everything possible to help your son, but he has not managed to change. That is so very sad to hear, but you have been an amazing mum to try for so long. The pain you must have been through and are going through again must seem unbearable, but you are such a strong lady. It's now time to think of yourself. Everyone on here will support you through your tough days and rejoice in your good days, so reach out whenever you need. We are all here for you. Sending you the biggest hug. Xxx