Family and Friends Forum

EDIT _ just seen another post from you and much of what I've written is mentioned in some way on that thread - but I'll leave this up as it never hyrts to know people are thinking of you, does it?!

Hi Poppet - I hope you have been able to get through today without the noisy questions and worries swirling around in your head. I think it's very common for these tsunamis and whirlpools of questions to feel overwhelming at first and to be quite honest they don't disappear altogether although after a while it's as if they exist at another level of our lives, never gone but lying low so as life gets busy we can be fooled into thinking they've gone. Then there's a trigger of some sort and hello! there they are again as strong and powerful as ever. That is why I am convinced that we all suffer from a level of PTSD after experiencing these awful events.

It is such very early days for you and of course you want answers, either for reassurance, or maybe so you know what you're dealing with, but your person will be in a state of shock too at the moment and hard though it is it takes time to get total disclosure from our partners/sons. Of course this could be because they intend to try and lie their way out of the trouble but for many men and boys it's not that at all - they are fearful of consequences if they blurt out the whole truth, scared of losing their family, and disgusted with themselves. No excuse I know and when it happened to us (our adult son) I was very vocal and needed answers right then which our son (who sounds very much like you describe your husband being in personality) clammed up. My husband is more like him too so I nearly had a mental breakdown because of all the pent up frustration inside me and not being heard. I wish at that time I had the ability to be far more measured, only asking what needed an answer right then and there, but of course I couldn't as it just wasn't me.

I hope you can have some frank and honest conversations with your husband soon but many on here give the advice to try not to make any big decisions to start with eg whether to stay with him or not. For us, it's our son so we just told him very firmly that we would support him despite being horrified at what he'd done, as long as he told us the truth. I sometimes ask myself what I'd do if we discovered he hadn't done that and it doesn't bear thinking of.

Sending you a big hug and wishing you an evening of calm in your mind.

So sorry to her that you have had to join us here. We are all on the same journey,although paths may be different. Mine is my adult son.

One of the hardest way to travel,is try to only deal with what you know. We don't know the full facts,until it is disclosed in court. I tried to keep a fact v. What if list. It is so hard to think clearly. All your emotions are perfectly valid & will be in common with all of us.Try to hang onto any activities that you enjoy & make you feel good. Sometimes you have to be so brave to face the world,but most people will be blissfully unaware of what is going on.

Keep touching base here. It has been my go to place for several years.

Best wishes

Poppet like yourself I needed facts like many I needed answers, I remember the weekend of arrest so clearly it will never leave me, having to get my daughter from school to explain to her hearing her screams for her dad, he was remanded for weekend under mental health act due to making a threat to his life, longest weekend of my life, didn't appear in court until 510pm he was last on the list I remember when they read the charges, I had no idea possession of 5 illoc images all I could think was 5 in no way am I downsizing the crime but 5.... we got him home, bail was no unsupervised with any under 18 but no restrictions to our daughter he said immediately he had been searching porn someone suggested signing up to kik he had never heard of it but he stupidly signed up for it in a chat room for male on female porn he clicked a link stupidly again and there were images he couldn't say exactly what they were he deleted the app the pics and literally never looked at porn again put it to the back of his mind until the day of the knock, the solicitor felt we had a case to state not guilty we paid a lot of money for private cyber expert who confirmed it had never been in search history, deleted immediately and could only be retrieved by an expert, I have no regrets spending what we did on expert as it confirmed all he said i wanted to believe him but there was still that tiny little niggle so I needed the facts, he was found guilty in the end as it was on his phone and he never reported it to the police himself, who would go in and report themselves for something like that, he has completed all his conviction and it's now time to recover for me I am determined to not let this rule my life any longer I have done nothing wrong.

Please take a day at a time and talk talk talk