Forgiveness
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I'm only 11 days post knock, and my head is all over the place. Knock happened at the home I grew up in, my person is my Dad.
I've not seen him since the evening he was bailed, as I was there to demand some truthful answers.
Grief is the best way to describe how I feel, as I feel I've lost my Dad, and he's not the person I thought he was.
I keep wondering how I'll feel in the months to come, and if I'll ever be able to forgive him for this.
I have 2 children, who have additional needs, and miss him terribly. They have no idea what's going on, and I'm glad I can shelter them from this whole situation.
I have so many questions going through my head constantly.
Did you forgive your person? How long did it take for you to feel you could?
I've not seen him since the evening he was bailed, as I was there to demand some truthful answers.
Grief is the best way to describe how I feel, as I feel I've lost my Dad, and he's not the person I thought he was.
I keep wondering how I'll feel in the months to come, and if I'll ever be able to forgive him for this.
I have 2 children, who have additional needs, and miss him terribly. They have no idea what's going on, and I'm glad I can shelter them from this whole situation.
I have so many questions going through my head constantly.
Did you forgive your person? How long did it take for you to feel you could?
Hi, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. This is "just" a part of your Dad. All the other wonderful things you love about him are still there. I forgave, if that's the right word, my husband pretty early on. We'd been in each others lives for 30 years and had 4 children. The day after the arrest, he phoned me from prison and admitted he'd had sexual feelings about children since puberty. I felt really sorry for him, really angry too but I felt so let down by a society that didn't allow him to go and seek help before he offended. Although I forgave him, I couldn't stay married to him. I supported him throughout his incarceration and after. However, 4 years after his release, he reoffended and is about to be sentenced again. I can't forgive this time. I just can't. I wish you, your children and family all the very best.
He is still the person you know and love go and see him if you are missing him. It doesn't mean you have to forgive this. Or approve of it.
I haven't forgiven my person seven years on. For me, to forgive anyone for anything is when someone has genuinely made a mistake. My person k ew what he did was wrong and carried on, until the knock happened.
For me the fact he has worked on not doing it again, learned his triggers etc - that is what I ask of him.
I can relate to the grief of losing the dad you thought you knew. I have gone through this with my dad, but that was due to his affair. Not the same, but similar If you agree.
I will never understand why my person was active in looking for iioc. But I have read up on the reasons of how it came to be. The LF hotline might be worth calling to get support on this.
It is up to you if you forgive, but he should not be asking for it. Do not feel pressure to forgive. If you want to be there in a supportive manner, that is not condoning what he did.
For me the fact he has worked on not doing it again, learned his triggers etc - that is what I ask of him.
I can relate to the grief of losing the dad you thought you knew. I have gone through this with my dad, but that was due to his affair. Not the same, but similar If you agree.
I will never understand why my person was active in looking for iioc. But I have read up on the reasons of how it came to be. The LF hotline might be worth calling to get support on this.
It is up to you if you forgive, but he should not be asking for it. Do not feel pressure to forgive. If you want to be there in a supportive manner, that is not condoning what he did.
Hi
My person is my son,about to turn 30.
I don't know if I can forgive his actions, but I can still love him as a mother.
Only he can decide to change his behaviour,with help. I cannot do it for him.
His actions are totally wrong,but that is not his whole. He is not a bad person & what is done has happened. He can only change his future,with our emotional support.
It's really tough,but you will come through this.
My person is my son,about to turn 30.
I don't know if I can forgive his actions, but I can still love him as a mother.
Only he can decide to change his behaviour,with help. I cannot do it for him.
His actions are totally wrong,but that is not his whole. He is not a bad person & what is done has happened. He can only change his future,with our emotional support.
It's really tough,but you will come through this.
I haven't forgiven him and I never will. For me this crime is unforgivable. Others in the same position can forgive... it's up to you
Hand on heart I dont think I'll ever wholly forgive or trust my son. He bought destruction/devastation to our family, every day he's on my mind - stresses I could well do without!
BUT that doesn't mean I don't love him want him to move forward from this. He's has a big mountain of qualities to offer and as we say a million times on the forum this crime does not define a person.
BUT that doesn't mean I don't love him want him to move forward from this. He's has a big mountain of qualities to offer and as we say a million times on the forum this crime does not define a person.
My person is my 21 Yr old son, we are 5 weeks past the knock and I don't know how I can ever forgive him, but I love him dearly and hope that with our support he can get through it.
I believe he is neurodiverse, but high functioning, we have never got support and managed and adapted. However he can easily become addicted, influenced and obsessed by stuff, and was affected by covid. So difficult to manage and guide and always has been.
Things are going to get much tougher for him and right now I can't bear the thought of not supporting him, but in equal measure I am so angry that he has done this. He doesn't fully recognise the implications that this will have on his life and ours too. And we aren't even at the worst of it yet.
It is a horrible horrible place to be and I wish I could change it, but I can't and he is in this shitty situation and dragged us all in it with him.
His girlfriend is sticking by him for now and so everything with her is rosy, which makes me cross as she doesn't know everything, but that was our advice to him to take it step by step and wait for bail and charges before sharing more with her.
But I am the bad person for always asking if he has booked on the safer lives and kept up to date with everything else.
I dont think I would be as forgiving if it was my partner.
A hard place to love nd support someone but not able to forgive them.
I believe he is neurodiverse, but high functioning, we have never got support and managed and adapted. However he can easily become addicted, influenced and obsessed by stuff, and was affected by covid. So difficult to manage and guide and always has been.
Things are going to get much tougher for him and right now I can't bear the thought of not supporting him, but in equal measure I am so angry that he has done this. He doesn't fully recognise the implications that this will have on his life and ours too. And we aren't even at the worst of it yet.
It is a horrible horrible place to be and I wish I could change it, but I can't and he is in this shitty situation and dragged us all in it with him.
His girlfriend is sticking by him for now and so everything with her is rosy, which makes me cross as she doesn't know everything, but that was our advice to him to take it step by step and wait for bail and charges before sharing more with her.
But I am the bad person for always asking if he has booked on the safer lives and kept up to date with everything else.
I dont think I would be as forgiving if it was my partner.
A hard place to love nd support someone but not able to forgive them.
Hi Februarybird,
It so early days and it's such a shock. The pain and grief are indescribable. It feels like a death. Right now your world is spinning and you haven't found ground yet. It may be that your dad doesn't know why he did it. I know my SO really didn't have a clue. I felt I deserved the respect of a decent answer. I found the Lucy Faithful helpline a godsend. I did the course and so did my SO. He also started therapy. It took him a while to figure it out. Yes he did give me an explanation. I'll be honest it wasn't as satisfying, etc. It brought me no comfort. He did what he did and he put our lives on this path. I have cried, I've raged, I've calmed, rinse and repeat! I joined a journalling club and I've pushed myself to grow and to become stronger for the storm that's coming. I've let a lot of the anger go. It's been so much better for me. I'm still sad and anxious but I definitely feel stronger. It's been a while since the knock. I'm terrified for the court stuff. I can only hope I'll be strong enough to handle it. I don't think you can ever be ready. Give yourself time.
It so early days and it's such a shock. The pain and grief are indescribable. It feels like a death. Right now your world is spinning and you haven't found ground yet. It may be that your dad doesn't know why he did it. I know my SO really didn't have a clue. I felt I deserved the respect of a decent answer. I found the Lucy Faithful helpline a godsend. I did the course and so did my SO. He also started therapy. It took him a while to figure it out. Yes he did give me an explanation. I'll be honest it wasn't as satisfying, etc. It brought me no comfort. He did what he did and he put our lives on this path. I have cried, I've raged, I've calmed, rinse and repeat! I joined a journalling club and I've pushed myself to grow and to become stronger for the storm that's coming. I've let a lot of the anger go. It's been so much better for me. I'm still sad and anxious but I definitely feel stronger. It's been a while since the knock. I'm terrified for the court stuff. I can only hope I'll be strong enough to handle it. I don't think you can ever be ready. Give yourself time.
My case is my OH. He claims to have been sent one file on one occasion which he didn't want and instantly deleted. I have no idea if this is true (I'm currently awaiting the second interview, which has had to be pushed back as his solicitor is quite ill), but he has also admitted to years of online and offline 'legal' infidelity. I had no idea. I wouldn't have imagined any of it in a million years! So anyway....
I'm Christian, and forgiveness and belief in people's ability to change with God's help is A Big Deal, but I'm not by nature very forgiving! I think it helps to think what forgiveness is and isn't. You can forgive someone and still believe that its right for them to be punished legally and to live with the consequences of what they've done, you can forgive them and still think appropriate safeguarding (say of your children and children generally) is essential, you can forgive them and still ask for appropriate accountability and openess. And of course you can only forgive the hurt they've done to you in all this. Forgiveness isn't sweeping anything under the carpet. It also isn't something they can insist on or expect or try to push you into. Its always an act of grace on your part. I also read an interesting interview years back with a man (Gordon Wilson) who chose to forgive the IRA bombers who killed his daughter, and he talked about forgiveness being something he had to chose anew every day rather than a one off event, which has stuck with me. While I'm often furiously angry with OH and struggle to see any future for us as a couple, I've said to him that IF he is honest with me now and keeps working on never doing anything like this again, I'll do my best to be supportive going forward. He's doing specialist counselling and SLAA and has monitoring software on his devices, but who knows going forward. But I have plenty of days where I feel pretty unforgiving! I guess I'd suggest having another conversation with your dad, seeing what he says and what he intends to do going forward to ensure he never ever offends again. Its hard then having to wait so long to see if they're lying or not! But you don't have to, or certainly don't have to now.
I'm Christian, and forgiveness and belief in people's ability to change with God's help is A Big Deal, but I'm not by nature very forgiving! I think it helps to think what forgiveness is and isn't. You can forgive someone and still believe that its right for them to be punished legally and to live with the consequences of what they've done, you can forgive them and still think appropriate safeguarding (say of your children and children generally) is essential, you can forgive them and still ask for appropriate accountability and openess. And of course you can only forgive the hurt they've done to you in all this. Forgiveness isn't sweeping anything under the carpet. It also isn't something they can insist on or expect or try to push you into. Its always an act of grace on your part. I also read an interesting interview years back with a man (Gordon Wilson) who chose to forgive the IRA bombers who killed his daughter, and he talked about forgiveness being something he had to chose anew every day rather than a one off event, which has stuck with me. While I'm often furiously angry with OH and struggle to see any future for us as a couple, I've said to him that IF he is honest with me now and keeps working on never doing anything like this again, I'll do my best to be supportive going forward. He's doing specialist counselling and SLAA and has monitoring software on his devices, but who knows going forward. But I have plenty of days where I feel pretty unforgiving! I guess I'd suggest having another conversation with your dad, seeing what he says and what he intends to do going forward to ensure he never ever offends again. Its hard then having to wait so long to see if they're lying or not! But you don't have to, or certainly don't have to now.
This must have been such a terrible shock for you. Trying to process and make sense of what you now know is hard and only time will tell how you'll feel in the future.
I'm here because of my adult son. My son has made no excuse for what he did and is filled with remorse and guilt. He has accepted the consequences of his offending without complaint and has embraced every opportunity given to him to recognise why and how he behaved in the way he did so that he can develop better decision making in the future.
Even though my son’s offence causes me distress I have chosen to forgive him and my love and support for him remains unconditional. Personally I believe forgiveness is a choice, it doesn’t mean I condone what he did but it does mean that I have chosen to start healing from the hurt his actions have caused me.
I'm here because of my adult son. My son has made no excuse for what he did and is filled with remorse and guilt. He has accepted the consequences of his offending without complaint and has embraced every opportunity given to him to recognise why and how he behaved in the way he did so that he can develop better decision making in the future.
Even though my son’s offence causes me distress I have chosen to forgive him and my love and support for him remains unconditional. Personally I believe forgiveness is a choice, it doesn’t mean I condone what he did but it does mean that I have chosen to start healing from the hurt his actions have caused me.