What the hell do i do?
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Its 9 days since The Knock and subsequent arrest. I still get feelings of disbelief during these early days, but I know it's all true and this is going to be life changing. At first I had compassion and understanding (once the initial fury wore off) but now I'm reverting back to dull anger. I haven't got the physical or mental strength for it to be anything else but dull. As far as I know, he's been honest with me when I asked him lots of questions about how he got here, and I can see the how, but I'll never see the why. I feel like I'm heading towards the inevitable asking him to leave and me walking away, whereas a few days after it all started I thought we might be able to work through this. After all, this is only a small percentage of who he is. I wasnt fully happy with him, as he has issues that affect me, but I'd intended to talk to him and work on them with him. We were making plans for the future, and happily decorating the house and creating a nice garden. He was so supportive with my demanding self employed job. We always laughed till we cried, talked all the time, hugged and kissed. We were a team. The thought of losing that breaks my heart, but i can't see how we'll ever get back there. He's going to be punishing himself for the rest of his life. He has no proper friends and no one to talk to but me.
The only place he could go is to his elderly mums house, and I don't know how she'd react if she knew the truth. He could easily end up on the streets. And no matter how much he's broken me, i couldn't see that happen to him. We decided that he'd tell her we're having problems, and we're working on it, but we may end up separating. We're trying to protect her from the nasty truth, and if he goes there we're both worried that she could know something is going on when he'll inevitably get letters from the police/solicitors/court. I'm going to have to tell my parents the same thing, and they'll be devastated. They love my husband and my Dad in particular thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I'm dreading it as they'll want to know what's going on, and when something bad has happened my Dad's default is to blame. I should not be made to feel any of this is my fault (because its not), and I feel I won't be able to tell them the real reason. I'm not sure they'll see the reasons behind his behaviour. I need their support and if I do stay with him, I can't risk losing them. I thought about not telling them anything, but I'm not covering for for my husband when he doesn't want to see them anymore because he's too ashamed.
He's looking at all the help he can get - therapy, understanding his behaviour and trying to get assessed for ASD. I appreciate that, but I don't think I can ever trust him again. Aside from the searching for, downloading and viewing IIOC (Category A and who knows what else) he told me he's regularly watched porn since he was a teenager and continued to do so throughout our 13 year relationship. The odd time wouldn't have been a big deal, but he's not wanted sex with me for the last 6 years. When I've tried to talk about it he just made excuses and changed the subject. I suggested therapy, but he suffers from low confidence and is so repressed and buttoned up when it comes to opening up, he refused.
His first bail hearing isn't till the end of April, and no doubt it'll be extended. This limbo could go on for months, years even, while forensics have his computer. His solicitor thinks the evidence against him will be stronger once that's happened and it'll likely go to court. I know it's early days, but I'm not sure i want to go through all of that. And why should I? He did something for a vile thrill and adrenaline rush, and continued to do it for a couple of months before he was caught, with no thought of the consequences for me and his family. And after it's all over, and he's potentially lost his job, why should I support him emotionally and financially after what he's done to me? Why should I have to cover for him when he doesn't want to see my parents or friends? Why should I put my business at risk if this hits the media? But, what if we can work through this and become stronger and our relationship is even better?
As I'm sure you can all relate, my emotions change daily, so I'll probably feel different tomorrow. But if you stayed with your person out of choice, not necessity, I admire your bravery. And if you left to protect yourself/children/family and your future, I admire your bravery. Thank goodness we don't have children.
What the hell do I do?
The only place he could go is to his elderly mums house, and I don't know how she'd react if she knew the truth. He could easily end up on the streets. And no matter how much he's broken me, i couldn't see that happen to him. We decided that he'd tell her we're having problems, and we're working on it, but we may end up separating. We're trying to protect her from the nasty truth, and if he goes there we're both worried that she could know something is going on when he'll inevitably get letters from the police/solicitors/court. I'm going to have to tell my parents the same thing, and they'll be devastated. They love my husband and my Dad in particular thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I'm dreading it as they'll want to know what's going on, and when something bad has happened my Dad's default is to blame. I should not be made to feel any of this is my fault (because its not), and I feel I won't be able to tell them the real reason. I'm not sure they'll see the reasons behind his behaviour. I need their support and if I do stay with him, I can't risk losing them. I thought about not telling them anything, but I'm not covering for for my husband when he doesn't want to see them anymore because he's too ashamed.
He's looking at all the help he can get - therapy, understanding his behaviour and trying to get assessed for ASD. I appreciate that, but I don't think I can ever trust him again. Aside from the searching for, downloading and viewing IIOC (Category A and who knows what else) he told me he's regularly watched porn since he was a teenager and continued to do so throughout our 13 year relationship. The odd time wouldn't have been a big deal, but he's not wanted sex with me for the last 6 years. When I've tried to talk about it he just made excuses and changed the subject. I suggested therapy, but he suffers from low confidence and is so repressed and buttoned up when it comes to opening up, he refused.
His first bail hearing isn't till the end of April, and no doubt it'll be extended. This limbo could go on for months, years even, while forensics have his computer. His solicitor thinks the evidence against him will be stronger once that's happened and it'll likely go to court. I know it's early days, but I'm not sure i want to go through all of that. And why should I? He did something for a vile thrill and adrenaline rush, and continued to do it for a couple of months before he was caught, with no thought of the consequences for me and his family. And after it's all over, and he's potentially lost his job, why should I support him emotionally and financially after what he's done to me? Why should I have to cover for him when he doesn't want to see my parents or friends? Why should I put my business at risk if this hits the media? But, what if we can work through this and become stronger and our relationship is even better?
As I'm sure you can all relate, my emotions change daily, so I'll probably feel different tomorrow. But if you stayed with your person out of choice, not necessity, I admire your bravery. And if you left to protect yourself/children/family and your future, I admire your bravery. Thank goodness we don't have children.
What the hell do I do?
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is living hell and there is no right or wrong way to deal with any of this. My only advice would be to slow down, and allow yourself to feel the way you need too. Don't make hasty decisions about staying or going just take things one day at a time and figure out the best thing for you. You need to take the time to process everything that's happened and everything that's going to happen..the lucy faithful foundation run an inform course that's really good maybe it's worth having a look into that. Focus on yourself for a while, you deserve it.
I know you feel alot of complicated and conflicted feelings stemming from guilt, shame, grief and love, but it's important to remember that he is a grown man who looked at these images with a good understanding of the fact they were illegal and when we do illegal things that can result in terrible consequences, not just for him but for you too.
You need to always remember to look out for yourself first and foremost because the realisation that I came to was I was the only one who would truly protect me in this situation. He didn't protect me, he commited a crime that he knew was a betrayal to me and continues to do that despite knowing it could turn my life and my poor children's lives upside down too.
You sound like a very caring person and that's probably why your feeling as though you have a duty to him and his family, but you really don't. You can choose not to put your life on hold for someone that didn't prioritise your safety and well being and instead prioritised their pleasure, needs and desires.
You can also choose to leave for now, say maybe this isn't forever but I need space, he can explain to his mom, and maybe doing that is actually quite a healthy way of facing up to the consequences of such an awful offence.
It's just my opinion and obviously you know your situation best but I would urge you to remember to put yourself first and that he is the one that chose this path for both of you with little regard for what that would do for your life.
You need to always remember to look out for yourself first and foremost because the realisation that I came to was I was the only one who would truly protect me in this situation. He didn't protect me, he commited a crime that he knew was a betrayal to me and continues to do that despite knowing it could turn my life and my poor children's lives upside down too.
You sound like a very caring person and that's probably why your feeling as though you have a duty to him and his family, but you really don't. You can choose not to put your life on hold for someone that didn't prioritise your safety and well being and instead prioritised their pleasure, needs and desires.
You can also choose to leave for now, say maybe this isn't forever but I need space, he can explain to his mom, and maybe doing that is actually quite a healthy way of facing up to the consequences of such an awful offence.
It's just my opinion and obviously you know your situation best but I would urge you to remember to put yourself first and that he is the one that chose this path for both of you with little regard for what that would do for your life.
Hi Poppet, I'm going to private message you. X
Lrf, "You need to always remember to look out for yourself first and foremost because the realisation that I came to was I was the only one who would truly protect me in this situation. He didn't protect me, he commited a crime that he knew was a betrayal to me and continues to do that despite knowing it could turn my life and my poor children's lives upside down too". I couldn't agree more. How I wish I'd walked away after the first knock. I didn't and now my life is a real mess following a second knock. X
Thankyou all of you for replying and offering your words of support and empathy. I'll know when I've had enough and what to do, and if/when that time comes, I'll be protecting myself. Like some of you've said, here and elsewhere on the forum, it's too early to make any firm decisions. Xx
I was in a similar situation after the knock. My husband was a mess. I was very concerned he would try and committ suicide. We have two children who think the world of their father. I would not have been able to live with myself if i made him leave that night. I took my time to work through all of the fall out and finally was able to come to a point where i asked him to leave. He understood and left to stay with his parents. He comes over a few times a week to see our children. It was the right decision for me and I am very grateful I didnt make any decisions until i was able to think clearly bc it would have had severe effects on both me and my children. You will know when the time is right to make that decision. This is an incredibly difficult time. I am so sorry you are here.