Can’t believe I’m back here
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Hi,
We got the knock 5 years ago and my at the time fiancé was arrested on suspicion of grooming. It resulted in no further action, but he did get a 2 year sexual risk order and I had to supervise all contact between him and his children for 2-3 years. Since then, we've built our life and relationship back up, lots of therapy, lots of building trust. We got married and I am now 6 months pregnant.
Yesterday morning we got another knock. I'm devastated beyond belief. This time it's voyeurism and sexual assault. I don't know how to come back from this, and I'm so close to giving birth to this man's baby which I now can't do anything about. He was taken around 5am yesterday, it's now nearly 9am so it sounds like they've been given an extension on time in custody, which makes me think they have something. I'm spiralling hard and went to call the helpline but found it's closed on a weekend so just trying to reach out for any support or words of wisdom. The police won't tell me anything.
We got the knock 5 years ago and my at the time fiancé was arrested on suspicion of grooming. It resulted in no further action, but he did get a 2 year sexual risk order and I had to supervise all contact between him and his children for 2-3 years. Since then, we've built our life and relationship back up, lots of therapy, lots of building trust. We got married and I am now 6 months pregnant.
Yesterday morning we got another knock. I'm devastated beyond belief. This time it's voyeurism and sexual assault. I don't know how to come back from this, and I'm so close to giving birth to this man's baby which I now can't do anything about. He was taken around 5am yesterday, it's now nearly 9am so it sounds like they've been given an extension on time in custody, which makes me think they have something. I'm spiralling hard and went to call the helpline but found it's closed on a weekend so just trying to reach out for any support or words of wisdom. The police won't tell me anything.
Oh Jayne, I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, you must be completely devastated. Going through this once was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and going through it again is one of my biggest nightmares.
I know it's easier sad than done but for the moment just try to breathe. If the only thing you manage to do for the next few hours is breathe then that's ok.
You'll find lots of support on here so keep reaching out to us over the weekend and we'll be here to hold your hand and help you get through it.
I know it's easier sad than done but for the moment just try to breathe. If the only thing you manage to do for the next few hours is breathe then that's ok.
You'll find lots of support on here so keep reaching out to us over the weekend and we'll be here to hold your hand and help you get through it.
Aw jayne totally devastated for you once is bad but I can't imagine how your feeling right now this is so hard for you, you can't control what's happening at the police station you have to concentrate on yourself is there a close friend you can trust to speak to? I am only a message away if I can do anything at all
X
X
Thanks both. Ugh, I just can't believe it. I don't know how I coped last time at all, and this time I've got a baby on the way. It just feels insurmountable at the moment. I've got a close friend on her way round, who knows the situation from 5 years ago as well. I can't even think about getting through day by day right now, even hour by hour is hard.
Hi Jayne, just checking in with you. Have you now got your friend with you? And is there any news from the police yet?
Jayne, I'm so so very sorry. My ex reoffended and I really believed he wouldn't. X
Sending so many hugs.
This much better such a difficult time - like the others, all I can suggest is to just try and breathe.
Xx
This much better such a difficult time - like the others, all I can suggest is to just try and breathe.
Xx
hi Jayne
i'm sorry that you've had to join us on this forum unfortunately sometimes they do reoffend my OH reoffended after almost 10 years and within weeks of coming off the register I don't know why they do it but we all here to help you and support you if we can sending you love and hugs xxx
i'm sorry that you've had to join us on this forum unfortunately sometimes they do reoffend my OH reoffended after almost 10 years and within weeks of coming off the register I don't know why they do it but we all here to help you and support you if we can sending you love and hugs xxx
Hug from me too xxxxxxxxx
Jayne - I so hope that you have tangibly felt the strength of non judgmental support and compassion people here are sending your way. I want to add mine too and as others have said, do private message anyone if/when you feel ready and need a bit more privacy in what you want to ask or say xx
If ever there was a reason for us to support the helpline with their recent call for help with donations then this is a clear example. Jayne needs their support now and we are limited in scope to help. Weekend cover on the helpline, indeed and/or extended times of the day to access are vital.
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling, first time round is hell enough without a reoccurrence. I'm not surprised you're spiralling.
Please try and look after yourself and the baby, you could reach out to Samaritans simply to talk things through in a safe and non judgemental space. I'd also make your healthcare provider aware you're experiencing a traumatic situation so they can keep a careful eye on you and baby.
Sending all my love and I'm thankful you have a brilliant supportive friend by your side. Xx
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling, first time round is hell enough without a reoccurrence. I'm not surprised you're spiralling.
Please try and look after yourself and the baby, you could reach out to Samaritans simply to talk things through in a safe and non judgemental space. I'd also make your healthcare provider aware you're experiencing a traumatic situation so they can keep a careful eye on you and baby.
Sending all my love and I'm thankful you have a brilliant supportive friend by your side. Xx
Eye of the storm, you're so right about the need to support the helpline so it can be made available outside of the Monday-Friday hours.
This has started me thinking about whether the helpline employs volunteers and if it does whether more volunteers would mean the opening hours for the helpline could be extended across weekends.
Jayne was able to post on here and receive support but for others their posts will remain unseen until they are checked by LFF. I completely understand why this is necessary but it does leave new people without support across the weekends.
This has started me thinking about whether the helpline employs volunteers and if it does whether more volunteers would mean the opening hours for the helpline could be extended across weekends.
Jayne was able to post on here and receive support but for others their posts will remain unseen until they are checked by LFF. I completely understand why this is necessary but it does leave new people without support across the weekends.
Have you stayed with your partner after reoffending? If more is found I can't stay a second round
An update from me. We're now 2 and a half weeks down the line. The police have still told me very little but he has.
On the topic of staying and "reoffending" I should make it clear that his arrest 5 years ago resulted in no further action and the return of all devices because nothing illegal was found. He had been behaving in a very silly manner online, but not illegally. This time, it was unclear whether he would get bail or be remanded. The police, who wouldn't tell me anything, did call me on that Saturday night to tell me one extra piece of detail due to my pregnancy, but which I won't put on here. I specifically asked that, if he gets bail, he is not granted bail to our address. Monday rolled around, he was bailed and the police didn't notify me that he had been bailed to our address. I was lucky that I got a heads up to leave before he got back because my head was all over the place. Social services will stay off my case for now, as I'm sleeping at my parents' house until his bail address can be changed (IF they will - there's no urgency). The allegations don't all make sense, and I know for a fact that at least 2 of the things said categorically cannot be true, but I'm still in an impossible situation. I have lost my home and my husband, and in 2 months I will be giving birth without my baby's father there.
On the topic of staying and "reoffending" I should make it clear that his arrest 5 years ago resulted in no further action and the return of all devices because nothing illegal was found. He had been behaving in a very silly manner online, but not illegally. This time, it was unclear whether he would get bail or be remanded. The police, who wouldn't tell me anything, did call me on that Saturday night to tell me one extra piece of detail due to my pregnancy, but which I won't put on here. I specifically asked that, if he gets bail, he is not granted bail to our address. Monday rolled around, he was bailed and the police didn't notify me that he had been bailed to our address. I was lucky that I got a heads up to leave before he got back because my head was all over the place. Social services will stay off my case for now, as I'm sleeping at my parents' house until his bail address can be changed (IF they will - there's no urgency). The allegations don't all make sense, and I know for a fact that at least 2 of the things said categorically cannot be true, but I'm still in an impossible situation. I have lost my home and my husband, and in 2 months I will be giving birth without my baby's father there.
I just came across your post and wanted to check in to see how you were doing. I am so sorry you found yourself here again I cannot imagine going through this more than once and with a baby on the way! I hope you are hanging in there and if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
Hi Letitgo, sorry I've just seen your message. I'm finding it really, really hard. Struggling to get my head around everything and there's so much that simply doesn't add up. I'm a very analytical person so I like to be able to work with facts and the facts I do have don't stack up, then there's a lot of facts I don't have and never will. Leaving the house is hard, I don't want to speak to anyone, I'm now almost 8 months pregnant and living in my parents' house. It's the plea hearing today and I'm a wreck. We'll know more after today about timelines for trial and what evidence is going to be put forward but it's been 4 weeks and I'm exhausted - not sure how I can keep going for the time it will take for a trial. I've lost my husband, stepkids and home overnight, as well as my baby's future being completely up-ended. I'm scared. Financially, emotionally, everything. It's terrifying xx
I am so sorry. I wanted to check in to see how it went today and how you are holding up. It will get better but truly one minute at a time is all we can do.
Hope you're ok x
It didn't go great. Nothing has actually changed in the sense that nothing is any different now to it was a week ago, but he had the plea hearing and pled not guilty. He said he has no choice but to plead not guilty as he hasn't done the stuff he's accused of but it's all he said/she said that I have no idea where this will go. The trial date has been set. It's over 18 months away. I just can't get my head around it. I'm still not back in my home, the police aren't treating that with any urgency. I'm weeks away from giving birth and can't even be in my safe space. This week has been the hardest week of my life.
I am so sorry to read this Jayne. :(
Take strength in that you have survived this week. You did it. You are made of such resilience, your little baby you are carrying is so lucky to have a mumma like you.
I hope for better days ahead for you.
I don't have any advice i'm sorry, but I am here, we are here, facing the sh** storm the best way we can.
Ashes x
Take strength in that you have survived this week. You did it. You are made of such resilience, your little baby you are carrying is so lucky to have a mumma like you.
I hope for better days ahead for you.
I don't have any advice i'm sorry, but I am here, we are here, facing the sh** storm the best way we can.
Ashes x
Your husband is staying in your home and you've had to move out whilst pregnant?
It sounds like the bail conditions the police granted force him to stay there, and she can't have the baby there
You can get a solicitor to change the bail conditions but would then need to find somewhere for him to live and pay for this
V difficult situation, thinking of you Jayne
You can get a solicitor to change the bail conditions but would then need to find somewhere for him to live and pay for this
V difficult situation, thinking of you Jayne
I think somewhere for him to live is HIS problem now.
Sad&Scared
As someone has said, it might be part of bail conditions so she can't stay there and have the baby is he's there. Extremely difficult and unfair.
As someone has said, it might be part of bail conditions so she can't stay there and have the baby is he's there. Extremely difficult and unfair.
Can you get an occupation order in place ?
File it with the courts for your marital address.
Your homeless with a baby on the way so there's a good chance thud would go through successfully.
Just to add i was 9 months pregnant at first sentancing. You just have to try & concentrate on the life inside you & all of the joy they will bring.
My ex husband re offended too, i know its absolutely devastating. My heart breaks for you.
I promise, from personal experience. Things will get better , you will feel stronger & you will heal.
Sending you love x
File it with the courts for your marital address.
Your homeless with a baby on the way so there's a good chance thud would go through successfully.
Just to add i was 9 months pregnant at first sentancing. You just have to try & concentrate on the life inside you & all of the joy they will bring.
My ex husband re offended too, i know its absolutely devastating. My heart breaks for you.
I promise, from personal experience. Things will get better , you will feel stronger & you will heal.
Sending you love x