Looking For Guidance
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Hello,
I am looking for a little guidance from others that may have possibly been in my position before?
I have recently found out that a close relative to my OH was previously on the Sex Offenders register due to online behaviour.
I am very angry because my OH automatically gave this person access to our children without telling me. He is 100% convinced they are safe around this person (they are never left alone with them). I do trust that my other half would not put our children in danger however when I asked for more details etc he could not give me answers because they have never discussed or processed it as a family. It's like it's a topic they have avoided discussing.
I feel so hurt that the whole family would avoid "awkward questions" before checking my children where safe or feeling it neccessary to tell me.
I can now see that my OH has blocked it out to avoid isolating that person, he's even said he feels sorry for the person because of what they lost during the process. As a survivor of child abuse I don't think my OH understands the severity of it.
I can't help feeling I have been given no option but to have this person in my children's life now. My children love them so i would be hurting them to if I refused access now.
Everytime I think about the situation I am so angry and I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it because if my friends and family new I don't know if they would be as understanding.
I also feel for my OH because I can see it hurts him also it talk about it. He has agreed he will go to therapy.
Any advice from anyone that may have been through something similar would be so kind.
I am looking for a little guidance from others that may have possibly been in my position before?
I have recently found out that a close relative to my OH was previously on the Sex Offenders register due to online behaviour.
I am very angry because my OH automatically gave this person access to our children without telling me. He is 100% convinced they are safe around this person (they are never left alone with them). I do trust that my other half would not put our children in danger however when I asked for more details etc he could not give me answers because they have never discussed or processed it as a family. It's like it's a topic they have avoided discussing.
I feel so hurt that the whole family would avoid "awkward questions" before checking my children where safe or feeling it neccessary to tell me.
I can now see that my OH has blocked it out to avoid isolating that person, he's even said he feels sorry for the person because of what they lost during the process. As a survivor of child abuse I don't think my OH understands the severity of it.
I can't help feeling I have been given no option but to have this person in my children's life now. My children love them so i would be hurting them to if I refused access now.
Everytime I think about the situation I am so angry and I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it because if my friends and family new I don't know if they would be as understanding.
I also feel for my OH because I can see it hurts him also it talk about it. He has agreed he will go to therapy.
Any advice from anyone that may have been through something similar would be so kind.
Hi,
I couldn't read and not reply. I haven't been in your situation as it's my partner who offended. Both of our wider families know of his offence. He has a couple of cousins who have chosen not to tell their partners. He doesn't attend many family events, I usually go with our child and make excuses for him. The times that he does attend I am with him and he is always supervised around any children.
The cousins who have chosen not to disclose don't have children but one of their partners does. My partner has never met the child and I may feel differently down the line if he does before a disclosure although that's unlikely to happen. It's hard because for rehabilitation purposes having family support without shame is important but I think you're valid in your feelings. You should have been given the opportunity to make that decision for your children before they formed a bond.
Something that I think is worth exploring is knowing what you know now would you have formed a relationship with the person or allowed them to be involved in your children's lives? If you found out fairly recently then this will be a shock to process so give yourself some time and see how you feel once things settle xxx
I couldn't read and not reply. I haven't been in your situation as it's my partner who offended. Both of our wider families know of his offence. He has a couple of cousins who have chosen not to tell their partners. He doesn't attend many family events, I usually go with our child and make excuses for him. The times that he does attend I am with him and he is always supervised around any children.
The cousins who have chosen not to disclose don't have children but one of their partners does. My partner has never met the child and I may feel differently down the line if he does before a disclosure although that's unlikely to happen. It's hard because for rehabilitation purposes having family support without shame is important but I think you're valid in your feelings. You should have been given the opportunity to make that decision for your children before they formed a bond.
Something that I think is worth exploring is knowing what you know now would you have formed a relationship with the person or allowed them to be involved in your children's lives? If you found out fairly recently then this will be a shock to process so give yourself some time and see how you feel once things settle xxx