What would you do?
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I don't post on here much, I find it hard to be on the site after discovering the depths of my ex partner's offending.
In addition to his offences against minors, I found out my ex shared nude images of me to people online without my consent. The police did not prosecute him, perhaps they never found the evidence.
I have just three more days until the evidence I found times out, then I will never be able to bring charges against him even if I wanted to. I'm struggling with what to do. I don't have a session with my therapist this week, and I forgot to mention it last week. The date has just crept up on me.
I know people will say do what you feel is best, but I've not been able to come to a decision one way or another since finding this out 6 months ago. I've made pro's and con's lists which have made me lean towards not telling the police because it's the easier and least painful option for me, but then I feel like I'm letting him get away with it and am encouraging the idea to him that what he did wasn't 'that' bad. And it also feels like the cowards option.
I wish I had more time to feel comfortable with a decision one way or another.
In addition to his offences against minors, I found out my ex shared nude images of me to people online without my consent. The police did not prosecute him, perhaps they never found the evidence.
I have just three more days until the evidence I found times out, then I will never be able to bring charges against him even if I wanted to. I'm struggling with what to do. I don't have a session with my therapist this week, and I forgot to mention it last week. The date has just crept up on me.
I know people will say do what you feel is best, but I've not been able to come to a decision one way or another since finding this out 6 months ago. I've made pro's and con's lists which have made me lean towards not telling the police because it's the easier and least painful option for me, but then I feel like I'm letting him get away with it and am encouraging the idea to him that what he did wasn't 'that' bad. And it also feels like the cowards option.
I wish I had more time to feel comfortable with a decision one way or another.
Does he have children?
Would it bring you closure?
Would it bring you closure?
We don't have children.
Eventually it would bring me closure, but at the expense of initiating a whole separate investigation that could go on for months if not years. And then an additional sentencing. I also feel like it would be unnecessary pain for his parents.
Eventually it would bring me closure, but at the expense of initiating a whole separate investigation that could go on for months if not years. And then an additional sentencing. I also feel like it would be unnecessary pain for his parents.
You have to do what's right for you. That doesn't make you a coward it sounds like you don't want to go to the police but you're worried about what that says about you or what people will think. Ultimately this is about you and what will cause you the least amount of harm. Dont do something because you feel like society thinks you should do what's right for you. He already has a conviction that hopefully will protect others!
I suppose and this is just a thought, that given he's already up for charges that are probably going to see him receive some sort of conviction then perhaps putting yourself through the stress and trauma of court proceedings and all that entails, including you not been able to move forward with your life, it might be worth just letting the courts deal with him on the other charges. However as others say if this would be an important part of your closure and that ability to move forward then as hard as it is you should pursue it. There's no right or wrong. You knowing that he has destroyed your trust and shown his true colours, might be enough to leave him in the past .....xxx
I would try to prosecute him. It MIGHT stop him doing the same utterly appalling thing to someone else. It's a truly shocking thing to do to someone that I assume he claimed to love and care for? Ring the helpline as you don't have access to the therapist this week? I do understand all that would be involved though and I completely understand the stress that would be put on you. X
Hi,
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position and that he's done this to you. I couldn't not reply. I've been a victim of DV, so whilst not quite the same, he also wasn't prosecuted for this 14+ years down the line, I wish I had known what I know now.
I'd say this, knowing how he has violated you, your trust and who you are - what's your gut instinct? Without the it would take years, another investigation- what would be right for you? You've got to out yourself first I think in terms of you inside yourself, and then if your gut instinct is that he should pay, then think about the rest of it.
Please have courage within yourself. You have my utmost empathy x
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position and that he's done this to you. I couldn't not reply. I've been a victim of DV, so whilst not quite the same, he also wasn't prosecuted for this 14+ years down the line, I wish I had known what I know now.
I'd say this, knowing how he has violated you, your trust and who you are - what's your gut instinct? Without the it would take years, another investigation- what would be right for you? You've got to out yourself first I think in terms of you inside yourself, and then if your gut instinct is that he should pay, then think about the rest of it.
Please have courage within yourself. You have my utmost empathy x
Thank you for everyone's replies.
He was convicted just over two years ago now, if he gets parole he will be out in less than a year. So me bringing new charges against him will affect his parole.
I spoke to the helpline a little while back who put me in touch with the revenge porn helpline. But they recommend a free one hour appointment with a solicitor which all seemed too much too fast at the time...
He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and potentially sexually under the guise of kink, but that's something I'm only just exploring with my therapist.
Unfortunately my gut instinct is to wait a bit until I feel ready to make him pay. I wish I hadn't have found this evidence so long after he had actually done it.
He was convicted just over two years ago now, if he gets parole he will be out in less than a year. So me bringing new charges against him will affect his parole.
I spoke to the helpline a little while back who put me in touch with the revenge porn helpline. But they recommend a free one hour appointment with a solicitor which all seemed too much too fast at the time...
He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and potentially sexually under the guise of kink, but that's something I'm only just exploring with my therapist.
Unfortunately my gut instinct is to wait a bit until I feel ready to make him pay. I wish I hadn't have found this evidence so long after he had actually done it.
You must do what's right for you.and what feels right to you. What he's done is an awful awful thing and you didn't deserve that on top of everything else you've had to put up with so if you feel it's the right thing to do then do it you will know what's right for you xx
I can really see your dilemma, but in your circumstances, I think you should absolutely put yourself first. The reality of an investigation/court could be distressing for you and it sounds like you've really been through it already.
What would the various outcomes that pressing ahead could achieve do for you? If you would gain something here (sense of justice etc) then I would consider it but with the big caveat that you can't really predict how you will feel/cope through the process. What are the risks of it not going how you would hope? If it was dropped for example.
Most of all, protect your inner peace - do whatever will help you with that. Nothing about your situation or whatever decision you make is cowardly.
Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself x
What would the various outcomes that pressing ahead could achieve do for you? If you would gain something here (sense of justice etc) then I would consider it but with the big caveat that you can't really predict how you will feel/cope through the process. What are the risks of it not going how you would hope? If it was dropped for example.
Most of all, protect your inner peace - do whatever will help you with that. Nothing about your situation or whatever decision you make is cowardly.
Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself x
If I report him, it will make his family standoffish, which will make trying to divvy up his belongings still in my house harder. I don't need the expense and stress of replacing furniture and electronics at the same time as pursuing an investigation...
I also don't know if I can cope with an investigation that actually involves me and is centered around me, a court process where I'm the victim. I still don't like considering myself a victim. So if they drop it, it'll be for nothing. If they charge him they're not likely to add any time to his sentence, so his 'punishment' is still the same.
But it just feels like this big secret that only me, my family, my therapist, and him and his parents know about.
And then when he comes up for parole he's twisted the narrative so well to probation that he was this person who made a 'huge mistake' and had an 'addiction to sexting' which he is deeply remorseful for.
Instead of someone who for a period of six years emotionally abused me and sexually coerced me without me realizing, because I was so naive/inexperienced with kink and didn't know the difference between submitting and being manipuldated into something. Instead of someone who manhandled me twice during an argument, and apparently manhandled his ex girlfriend. And the only people who know about his actions with me like that are me, him, and my therapist.
I just feel like if they could see how he spoke to me, how he controlled me sexually, if they knew what he did to me, then it would change how they view his offending, his risk factor, his chance of parole. It would make him get comeuppance for what he did to me separately to his offending, make him see that wasn't okay either.
But it would be so much extra pain to go through and more years of my life wasted on him x
I also don't know if I can cope with an investigation that actually involves me and is centered around me, a court process where I'm the victim. I still don't like considering myself a victim. So if they drop it, it'll be for nothing. If they charge him they're not likely to add any time to his sentence, so his 'punishment' is still the same.
But it just feels like this big secret that only me, my family, my therapist, and him and his parents know about.
And then when he comes up for parole he's twisted the narrative so well to probation that he was this person who made a 'huge mistake' and had an 'addiction to sexting' which he is deeply remorseful for.
Instead of someone who for a period of six years emotionally abused me and sexually coerced me without me realizing, because I was so naive/inexperienced with kink and didn't know the difference between submitting and being manipuldated into something. Instead of someone who manhandled me twice during an argument, and apparently manhandled his ex girlfriend. And the only people who know about his actions with me like that are me, him, and my therapist.
I just feel like if they could see how he spoke to me, how he controlled me sexually, if they knew what he did to me, then it would change how they view his offending, his risk factor, his chance of parole. It would make him get comeuppance for what he did to me separately to his offending, make him see that wasn't okay either.
But it would be so much extra pain to go through and more years of my life wasted on him x
100 per cent go to the police
You can make a decision about this but don't have to actually action that decision now. Historical abuse is something which doesn't have an expiry date on it so would you feel more settled if you decided that yes you were going to report him but suspend doing it until some time in the future? That might be next month or not for another few years but always ready for action, when YOU decide and not because of his circumstances. You seem very concerned about his parents but they won't be here forever. In time you would know how you felt or even realise that you were stronger by letting it go. It's comendable that you want to protect anyone else from being another victim but protecting yourself comes first and it does sound to me that right now you are very vulnerable emotionally - and with good reason!
It would be like a medical condition where the diagnosis is 'watch and wait' which is an active thing, not a forgetting thing......
(I realise this is a bit of a woolly answer and suggestion but meant to be helpful! If it's not, then here is a vitual hug instead x)
It would be like a medical condition where the diagnosis is 'watch and wait' which is an active thing, not a forgetting thing......
(I realise this is a bit of a woolly answer and suggestion but meant to be helpful! If it's not, then here is a vitual hug instead x)