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I've shared my story here before, i don't live in the UK and my partner has not faced judicial persecution because he voluntarily went into forensic counseling. He admitted, after me finding out, to me almost a year ago next week to have reoffended in watching CEM (youngest age cathegory you can imagine..or don't want to, sorry) i hadn't had a clue before that this had been in his past.
After a lot of soulseeking i decided to stay, but it's been very hard. Maybe the hardest year of my life so far. A lot of heartbreak and very mixed emotions. Trust is not something that can be rebuilt easily, also accepting that it wont like ever like it was.
Sharing with others afraid of their reactions has been so challenigng. I know my own standpoint, in that i see the goodness in him next to the darkness of his deeds and willingness to do the work and get help. But i am very afraid of judgement of others, esp when they learn the facts. I feel shame by proxy if i can describe that correctly. I've had the few friends ive shared it with also respond obviously with a lot of shock and disgust.
For a long time, only me and his parents knew. Now he wants to tell more friends. He told a first friend last week and she was really okay with it, asked if there hadn't been any hands on behaviour. Said she doesn't see him any different and will continue to support him. in a way this was the most amazing reaction that i could have wished for him, yet since i've been feeling very self doubting..more amongst the lines..why is my reaction so huge then? is it because i am a mother? I've had 5(!) EMDR sessions to help me process the shock and the trauma.
Did he not share the whole story? (here the distrust comes in) i have such a hard time that someone i love so much and share so much as well as intimacy with has this side to them, that he continued to do this behavious for YEARS. and then after years and therapy went into relapse again...knowing how damaging it is to those children. Then i started spiraling and feeling like i am with my reaction also holding him down in his healing process. That he should have more people around him supporting him like his friend.
I can see the spiraling is not helpful.. and then theres all my friends who i am still afraid to share it with, who just know i've had a difficult year. There's also a fear of rejection there that's huge.(i also have adhd so RSD is real) and not being understood.
Not sure if theres a question here, but maybe there's some recognition? How did it go with sharing with your friends and family your OH' sharing with his?
i understand my story is so different as we've not had the knock and all the legal battles, and that people find out without any control over it..
After a lot of soulseeking i decided to stay, but it's been very hard. Maybe the hardest year of my life so far. A lot of heartbreak and very mixed emotions. Trust is not something that can be rebuilt easily, also accepting that it wont like ever like it was.
Sharing with others afraid of their reactions has been so challenigng. I know my own standpoint, in that i see the goodness in him next to the darkness of his deeds and willingness to do the work and get help. But i am very afraid of judgement of others, esp when they learn the facts. I feel shame by proxy if i can describe that correctly. I've had the few friends ive shared it with also respond obviously with a lot of shock and disgust.
For a long time, only me and his parents knew. Now he wants to tell more friends. He told a first friend last week and she was really okay with it, asked if there hadn't been any hands on behaviour. Said she doesn't see him any different and will continue to support him. in a way this was the most amazing reaction that i could have wished for him, yet since i've been feeling very self doubting..more amongst the lines..why is my reaction so huge then? is it because i am a mother? I've had 5(!) EMDR sessions to help me process the shock and the trauma.
Did he not share the whole story? (here the distrust comes in) i have such a hard time that someone i love so much and share so much as well as intimacy with has this side to them, that he continued to do this behavious for YEARS. and then after years and therapy went into relapse again...knowing how damaging it is to those children. Then i started spiraling and feeling like i am with my reaction also holding him down in his healing process. That he should have more people around him supporting him like his friend.
I can see the spiraling is not helpful.. and then theres all my friends who i am still afraid to share it with, who just know i've had a difficult year. There's also a fear of rejection there that's huge.(i also have adhd so RSD is real) and not being understood.
Not sure if theres a question here, but maybe there's some recognition? How did it go with sharing with your friends and family your OH' sharing with his?
i understand my story is so different as we've not had the knock and all the legal battles, and that people find out without any control over it..
Hi, my experience with telling "friends" wasn't great. They all disappeared when they found out I was visiting him in prison. We got divorced fairly early on because I couldn't share a bed or home with someone with these "tendancies" etc, but I supported him. One thing popped into my mind while reading your post. There's no way my ex would've told anyone about it if I'd said I was worried about the repercussions. I can understand that your person needs a friend to confide in but you didn't choose any of this. It seems a bit unfair. For me, the worry about repercussions in general, mainly from the public, has been the most horrendous aspect of all this and it's something I worry about endlessly. If I could've kept it all hidden, I would have but I didn't get a choice in the matter when the case was plastered all over FB and the press. I wish you all the very best. X
Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you were taken away all agency about sharing and it happend so publically.
He's encouraged in therapy to make amends an be more open by confiding in friends. Secrecy makes the chance of reoffence bigger. And I get that. He also feels a lot of shame around keeping this dark secret from friends and that if they'd know they would probably reject him. I also feel weird with his friends pretending everything is fine and dandy. I have panic attacks each time we hang out.
its a very surreal situation.
We live in two different cities so our friends groups don't overlap much. He's not seen any of my friends since; because most of them are mothers of young children, and that just does not feel okay at all.
I just feel increasingly terrible about keeping this secret from so many close friends and family, and I didn't do anything except for staying with him. I also want my best friends to know how much I've really suffered in the past year. Its been very lonely year. I work also with new mothers and this has made work very confronting and hard. This has changed everything in my entire life.. I am a very different person I was last year
He's encouraged in therapy to make amends an be more open by confiding in friends. Secrecy makes the chance of reoffence bigger. And I get that. He also feels a lot of shame around keeping this dark secret from friends and that if they'd know they would probably reject him. I also feel weird with his friends pretending everything is fine and dandy. I have panic attacks each time we hang out.
its a very surreal situation.
We live in two different cities so our friends groups don't overlap much. He's not seen any of my friends since; because most of them are mothers of young children, and that just does not feel okay at all.
I just feel increasingly terrible about keeping this secret from so many close friends and family, and I didn't do anything except for staying with him. I also want my best friends to know how much I've really suffered in the past year. Its been very lonely year. I work also with new mothers and this has made work very confronting and hard. This has changed everything in my entire life.. I am a very different person I was last year
I'm seeing several of my closest friends this weekend for some birthday celebrations. Only 1 of them knows what's going on, and I'm so worried about seeing the rest of them. I don't want them to know anything yet, it's too soon. Plus 3 of them have children, and I'm not sure they'd support me if me and my person can work through this and stay together (that's feeling unlikely right now). I just hope I can give my best Oscar winning performance and act like nothing at all is going on.
One of the most infuriating and upsetting things that happened to me when people found out was the ones who said, "you must've known what he was doing". Of course I bloody didn't!!! If the Police thought I'd had anything to do with it, they'd have arrested me too! The Police told me that he'd hidden the images and covered his tracks so well that even if I'd gone looking, I'd never have found anything. I found it incredibly upsetting that my so called friends could say such a thing. They're long gone now. Good riddance, I say.