Questioning everything
Notifications OFF
We were together for 34yrs until the knock last week for sexual communication with a 14yr old boy. I had no idea, we had a fulfilling, gentle and considerate sex life. He was never demanding anything kinky or even interested in porn. Or so thought. Due to his health conditions our sex life was non existent for the last few years and he made no effort to do anything about it. To be honest I thought he just had lost all interest in it. He has suffered depression and our relationship has suffered. However it turns out he has been on really seedy gay porn sites for over a decade, probably longer, predating any of our problems. I can't get my head around this, he has been leading a double life and I had no clue. I am questioning our entire relationship, was it all a lie, was I cover for his true identity. Why couldn't he be honest. I feel I have been living a lie and he stole 34yrs of my life. I would have survived finding out he was gay or bi, but I cannot forgive underage. We have adult children and I am financially stuck to him after so many years. What do I do and where do I start getting him out of my life. I can't forgive him for putting his family through this and the damage publicity will do to our children
Oh love, you're probably still in shock. You will find lots of support here. Sadly you're far from alone.
It's early days, be gentle with yourself. There's no rush to make any decisions. Just get through each day and reach out here or the helpline.
It totally blindsids us all. Give yourself time to get your head around it (as much as you can, anyway. I still can't quite fathom it...).
I'm here because of a young person in my family so the circumstances are different but the shock, horror, fear etc is all the same I guess.
Hugs x x
It's early days, be gentle with yourself. There's no rush to make any decisions. Just get through each day and reach out here or the helpline.
It totally blindsids us all. Give yourself time to get your head around it (as much as you can, anyway. I still can't quite fathom it...).
I'm here because of a young person in my family so the circumstances are different but the shock, horror, fear etc is all the same I guess.
Hugs x x
It's 8 days since the knock for me. I've been with my DH for 32 years. We've been through horrible times in the last few years but this is on another level.
My 3 children are bewildered, I'm living a nightmare. I just don't know how to navigate this hell life right now.
I think my DH believes it'll all blow over. He deny's that he has accessed anything online but the police don't drag you away for nothing. They don't slap bail conditions on you for nothing. He has completely shut down.
My 3 children are bewildered, I'm living a nightmare. I just don't know how to navigate this hell life right now.
I think my DH believes it'll all blow over. He deny's that he has accessed anything online but the police don't drag you away for nothing. They don't slap bail conditions on you for nothing. He has completely shut down.
I've just seen my comment from 19 months ago.
I can't believe how naive I was at the beginning of my journey. Why would I not believe the man I'd known and loved since I was 19?
Despite bail restrictions, we lived life fairly 'normally'. All the while he continued to maintain that it was 'a mistake'. The one thing about a liar? They will always be a liar. At 12 months, his bail was lifted and came home while still 'under investigation'. Our relationship did not go back to normal but the boys were happy to have dad back. I kept pushing about his arrest and what they might find. He protested his innocence. I said I didn't believe him and he said 'we'll see won't we!' I honestly think he thought he was cleverer than a forensic device.
I was 'lucky' to have a second knock in July. I was shown photos and asked if I could identify them. As it happens I could. My blood nieces. The children of my younger brother. Also other children as well. At the time I dismissed it as maybe he's taken the photos while we'd been out for a meal at some point?
When he was released back to his original bail address (his sister) I confronted him about my niece's photos and he started to cry. He still would not explain why I had identified them and why they were on his phone. In fact all the information I have gathered since his rearrest has come from other people - his solicitor, the social worker, the police, my poor poor brother.
I read the social services assessment last week. They'd paused contact back in August and even then I had no idea why until I read the police report. Who is this man I have known for 34 years!? A complete stranger with a suspected interest in very young girls, despite his protests. He can protest as much as he wants but he is but having contact with my children until I feel emotionally safe around him. Right now I do not. He disgusts me.
I can't believe how naive I was at the beginning of my journey. Why would I not believe the man I'd known and loved since I was 19?
Despite bail restrictions, we lived life fairly 'normally'. All the while he continued to maintain that it was 'a mistake'. The one thing about a liar? They will always be a liar. At 12 months, his bail was lifted and came home while still 'under investigation'. Our relationship did not go back to normal but the boys were happy to have dad back. I kept pushing about his arrest and what they might find. He protested his innocence. I said I didn't believe him and he said 'we'll see won't we!' I honestly think he thought he was cleverer than a forensic device.
I was 'lucky' to have a second knock in July. I was shown photos and asked if I could identify them. As it happens I could. My blood nieces. The children of my younger brother. Also other children as well. At the time I dismissed it as maybe he's taken the photos while we'd been out for a meal at some point?
When he was released back to his original bail address (his sister) I confronted him about my niece's photos and he started to cry. He still would not explain why I had identified them and why they were on his phone. In fact all the information I have gathered since his rearrest has come from other people - his solicitor, the social worker, the police, my poor poor brother.
I read the social services assessment last week. They'd paused contact back in August and even then I had no idea why until I read the police report. Who is this man I have known for 34 years!? A complete stranger with a suspected interest in very young girls, despite his protests. He can protest as much as he wants but he is but having contact with my children until I feel emotionally safe around him. Right now I do not. He disgusts me.
