Grief
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I know my now ex is guilty and it's a terrible thing,I know it's been the right decision to walk away to protect my heart and protect my children's hearts but today I'm in so much pain. I'm just craving my old life back , I just want him to have never done it and be able to have a normal Saturday, have someone to talk to and things to look forward to again.
I miss the person who I didn't know had done these things and I'm just so sad and so alone, I want a big cuddle and someone to sit with on the sofa and chat and to know someone loves me. But I just work/parent/housework and then fall asleep on the sofa exhausted usually in tears. I really want to just pick up the phone and talk to him but its too messy and I know I wouldn't like myself for it when this grief passes and he really hurt me before Christmas again with something else and now I know I have to protect myself. I know all the bad and all the terrible things but I'm just grieving what could of been without this and grieving my feelings of safety and security. I'm so tired.
I miss the person who I didn't know had done these things and I'm just so sad and so alone, I want a big cuddle and someone to sit with on the sofa and chat and to know someone loves me. But I just work/parent/housework and then fall asleep on the sofa exhausted usually in tears. I really want to just pick up the phone and talk to him but its too messy and I know I wouldn't like myself for it when this grief passes and he really hurt me before Christmas again with something else and now I know I have to protect myself. I know all the bad and all the terrible things but I'm just grieving what could of been without this and grieving my feelings of safety and security. I'm so tired.
Just to say I feel exactly the same way.
My ex gave me so much joy. I was living in my perfect (for me) bubble. Genuinely enjoying my little family life. And since the vigalantes came, life is awful. I feel like we are surviving, not thriving. I'm not really looking forward to anything. We went away for a couple of nights over half term. Which was lovely. But the dark cloud followed.
I want so much just to call him. Tell him to come over. That I forgive everything, and we will get through this together as husband and wife, and the children we see him every day (he hasn't seen them since The Knock, as his MH plummeted and he is currently figuring out a lot), and we will weather the storm.
But i feel the person I want back never really existed. The future I Imagined is gone forever. And i am still so sad about it.
My ex gave me so much joy. I was living in my perfect (for me) bubble. Genuinely enjoying my little family life. And since the vigalantes came, life is awful. I feel like we are surviving, not thriving. I'm not really looking forward to anything. We went away for a couple of nights over half term. Which was lovely. But the dark cloud followed.
I want so much just to call him. Tell him to come over. That I forgive everything, and we will get through this together as husband and wife, and the children we see him every day (he hasn't seen them since The Knock, as his MH plummeted and he is currently figuring out a lot), and we will weather the storm.
But i feel the person I want back never really existed. The future I Imagined is gone forever. And i am still so sad about it.
Thankyou, i really thought he was my person forever, we had been together/married forever, I was so looking forward to our future, and we genuinely got on we were best friends, there was nothing wrong with the intimacy side other than a busy life sometimes got in the way, I could see the kids getting bigger, us being able to travel have a life, have a nice house and enjoy the kids uni/weddings/success/children .... We were honestly so close to everything coming together and I was so happy.
What you said really resonates with me, because I feel like it was a lie that I was sold, that person I loved wasn't real and that future was never going to happen. It just feels so cruel to have it ripped away.
I took mine away on holiday by myself this year and it was nice but I kept thinking I could just wait till they go to sleep and walk into the sea and it would be over..... I'm just so tired I honestly feel like I've got nothing good coming it would just be a relief to not be here anymore.
What you said really resonates with me, because I feel like it was a lie that I was sold, that person I loved wasn't real and that future was never going to happen. It just feels so cruel to have it ripped away.
I took mine away on holiday by myself this year and it was nice but I kept thinking I could just wait till they go to sleep and walk into the sea and it would be over..... I'm just so tired I honestly feel like I've got nothing good coming it would just be a relief to not be here anymore.
This is exactly it. We were best friends. I still can't grasp how blindsided I feel about all of this. There wasn't a single red flag in our relationship. Yeah he p**sed me off at times, but most husbands do right? I utterly loved our life. I thought he was a happy devoted husband. The struggle to feel so betrayed as a wife for him going into online chat rooms, and sexting is next level, to add to that the added layer of one of them being with a child is devastating. He sent and asked for pictures. Why? What a pr***
Meanwhile I am also heartbroken as to what he has lost in being a father to our children. At best he will have supervised visits for the foreseeable. and potentially until they're adults. Whilst I hope he doesn't get custodial. he might. and then what? The constant moving of emotions and being a brave mum for the children is consuming.
Like you LRF, I need to get to grips with this new normal. Suck it up for the children. Give them the happiest childhood possible. be the fun happy mum. not clock watch. not costantly wish and wish and wish. I am so glad I am not alone in this. albeit online. LRF you are also not alone. the sea might be inviting - im just hoping to learn to ride the waves, not let them swallow me.
Gosh, apologies for the sad Saturday post. The sun is shining an all. Maybe fresh air will help.
Meanwhile I am also heartbroken as to what he has lost in being a father to our children. At best he will have supervised visits for the foreseeable. and potentially until they're adults. Whilst I hope he doesn't get custodial. he might. and then what? The constant moving of emotions and being a brave mum for the children is consuming.
Like you LRF, I need to get to grips with this new normal. Suck it up for the children. Give them the happiest childhood possible. be the fun happy mum. not clock watch. not costantly wish and wish and wish. I am so glad I am not alone in this. albeit online. LRF you are also not alone. the sea might be inviting - im just hoping to learn to ride the waves, not let them swallow me.
Gosh, apologies for the sad Saturday post. The sun is shining an all. Maybe fresh air will help.
Hi, I hear you and feel exactly the same. I didn't walk away the first time. We got divorced but I supported him and eventually we were best friends like we'd always been for the last 30 years. Then he reoffended. Its destroyed me. My life is unrecognisable now. X
Robin, I can't even imagine the disappointment the second time around. Unimaginable x
Hi
Your posts truly resonate with me. We've been together for most of our lives - more than three decades. I thought I was so lucky to have someone who loved me so much. We've been through a lot together. I was looking forward to this next chapter of our lives. Only to find out what he was doing. The betrayal has felt unbearable. I miss our old life and what we used to have. We were best friends. I'm terrified for our child if his friends /parents find out. I've been doing my best to give him as much of a childhood as possible- going above and beyond as I'm so aware that it can all come crashing down at any moment. He has essentially blown our marriage to smithereens. There is no coming back from that. I know he wants to rebuild but this is to big a betrayal yo game back from. He has put our child at risk of ridicule. Our lives remain intertwined and i can do nothung about that right now. I can see he is deeply remorseful and he is doing his best to heal and move forward. I wish him nothing but the best. I'm giving myself the space and time to heal and grow. It's been painful. I suppose this is the path. We have no choice but to walk it. I'm determined to protect my child and to give him the best life that I can. He is truly my north star. I hope you all have a north star - someone or something that gives you the strength to keep going when it feels impossible.
Take care everyone
Your posts truly resonate with me. We've been together for most of our lives - more than three decades. I thought I was so lucky to have someone who loved me so much. We've been through a lot together. I was looking forward to this next chapter of our lives. Only to find out what he was doing. The betrayal has felt unbearable. I miss our old life and what we used to have. We were best friends. I'm terrified for our child if his friends /parents find out. I've been doing my best to give him as much of a childhood as possible- going above and beyond as I'm so aware that it can all come crashing down at any moment. He has essentially blown our marriage to smithereens. There is no coming back from that. I know he wants to rebuild but this is to big a betrayal yo game back from. He has put our child at risk of ridicule. Our lives remain intertwined and i can do nothung about that right now. I can see he is deeply remorseful and he is doing his best to heal and move forward. I wish him nothing but the best. I'm giving myself the space and time to heal and grow. It's been painful. I suppose this is the path. We have no choice but to walk it. I'm determined to protect my child and to give him the best life that I can. He is truly my north star. I hope you all have a north star - someone or something that gives you the strength to keep going when it feels impossible.
Take care everyone
Hi,
I really wish none of you were here with me on feeling this but there's definitely something to be said for knowing I'm not losing it and other people are feeling the same.
I can't imagine how it feels to go through this again, I have followed your story for a while little robin and it's one of the things that helped me realise that my decision to walk away was right for me, to protect my heart. Because you gave so much up personally for your person and that has just in my view been totally devalued by them as they've seen your sacrifices and have still gone on to do this again. My heart really goes out to you, you did what you thought was right and your a very strong and kind person for that, it's him that's in the wrong.
Hyacinth, I totally share your terror in what this will do to my children, they are amazing and have lovely little friendship groups that they've had since nursery, I would just die inside to see them punished for this. My heart literally breaks that they've had to be exposed to any of this, I feel like I picked wrong and I've in a way done this too them by picking this person.
From the Ashes, it's unlikely the outcome for him will be custodial but like you it's possible and it keeps me awake at night, I can't imagine telling my children he's in prison, the media attention, the dire financial situation we'll be in and all to look at some pictures. Horrible pictures there are millions of legal porn pictures and this is what he sought out and chose why?! Just why?! Destroying our lives for a w*nk excuse my language but that's all I can think at the moment, it seems so petty and cruel.
I really trusted my person more than anyone in the world, I don't give my trust easily so it feels like a big betrayal. And I feel a bit humiliated too, it's really hard to explain but to think that he would go off and do this and I was oblivious and thought he loved me so so much and I was what he wanted.....but I was just a front or something to cover it all up. Or just it was easy to stay with me and I was too blind and stupid to realise anything was going on, but I'm obviously grown woman and what he was getting his sexual gratification from was something that's definitely not me .
I do have my babies and they are everything to me, sometimes I just look at them and I think I'm so so lucky to have them. But other times its so overwhelming, the only thing that's kept me here is because there's literally nowhere safe for them to go, obviously they can't live with their dad, his family have several close family members with dangerous very long standing drug problems and his mom never cuts them off, enables them and minimises the risk they pose. It's not a safe environment for my kids definitely.
So anyway they couldn't go there and I don't have any family who could have them.
So it's literally just me and i think that adds to the overwhelm sometimes I think if anything happened to me they wouldn't be safe at all. They wouldn't be raised in a safe stable environment, they would end up with people who put their own priorities and other people first. Even when it's been proven their not good or safe people.
I would give anything for the life that I dreamed of to be back but I know it didn't really exist either.
You've all amd me feel a little bit stronger though, Hyacinth what you say about the strength to heal, protecting yourself, is exactly what I feel when I'm not in one these wobbles it reminded me that I can do that a d want that for myself. Thankyou.
I really wish none of you were here with me on feeling this but there's definitely something to be said for knowing I'm not losing it and other people are feeling the same.
I can't imagine how it feels to go through this again, I have followed your story for a while little robin and it's one of the things that helped me realise that my decision to walk away was right for me, to protect my heart. Because you gave so much up personally for your person and that has just in my view been totally devalued by them as they've seen your sacrifices and have still gone on to do this again. My heart really goes out to you, you did what you thought was right and your a very strong and kind person for that, it's him that's in the wrong.
Hyacinth, I totally share your terror in what this will do to my children, they are amazing and have lovely little friendship groups that they've had since nursery, I would just die inside to see them punished for this. My heart literally breaks that they've had to be exposed to any of this, I feel like I picked wrong and I've in a way done this too them by picking this person.
From the Ashes, it's unlikely the outcome for him will be custodial but like you it's possible and it keeps me awake at night, I can't imagine telling my children he's in prison, the media attention, the dire financial situation we'll be in and all to look at some pictures. Horrible pictures there are millions of legal porn pictures and this is what he sought out and chose why?! Just why?! Destroying our lives for a w*nk excuse my language but that's all I can think at the moment, it seems so petty and cruel.
I really trusted my person more than anyone in the world, I don't give my trust easily so it feels like a big betrayal. And I feel a bit humiliated too, it's really hard to explain but to think that he would go off and do this and I was oblivious and thought he loved me so so much and I was what he wanted.....but I was just a front or something to cover it all up. Or just it was easy to stay with me and I was too blind and stupid to realise anything was going on, but I'm obviously grown woman and what he was getting his sexual gratification from was something that's definitely not me .
I do have my babies and they are everything to me, sometimes I just look at them and I think I'm so so lucky to have them. But other times its so overwhelming, the only thing that's kept me here is because there's literally nowhere safe for them to go, obviously they can't live with their dad, his family have several close family members with dangerous very long standing drug problems and his mom never cuts them off, enables them and minimises the risk they pose. It's not a safe environment for my kids definitely.
So anyway they couldn't go there and I don't have any family who could have them.
So it's literally just me and i think that adds to the overwhelm sometimes I think if anything happened to me they wouldn't be safe at all. They wouldn't be raised in a safe stable environment, they would end up with people who put their own priorities and other people first. Even when it's been proven their not good or safe people.
I would give anything for the life that I dreamed of to be back but I know it didn't really exist either.
You've all amd me feel a little bit stronger though, Hyacinth what you say about the strength to heal, protecting yourself, is exactly what I feel when I'm not in one these wobbles it reminded me that I can do that a d want that for myself. Thankyou.
Hello, just wanted you to know that there is life at the end of this awful situation. It's like a bereavement. You go through different phases. I missed him so much it hurt, I missed the future I was supposed to have and I thought what's the point in anything. I then was resentful, furious and wanted him to pay. I wanted to hurt him.... I told people what he'd done , I argued with people on here! It was all grief and loss talking. Now 2 and a half years on I don't miss him because he was never the person I thought he was. I miss being in a couple, feeling safe, and the retirement I was supposed to have. He ruined that for me and for himself. I have slowly made a new life. It's hard but it's getting easier and it will do for you too. Sending love and understanding
Lost everything, I'm so glad to read your comment. You have often been on my mind and it's lovely to read that life is better for you now xxx
The grief for the life you thought you had as well as the future you thought you could expect is awful.
My mind doesn't stop with the what ifs. Things I could have/should have done differently.
Some days are easier aren't they? And then randomly, a dark, bleak day. I've found today really hard. Yesterday wasn't so bad..I had my usual low level sadness but today has been a tsunami of regret and envy of other people's lives. I was sorting out a bookcase and I found a really old baby book and it set me off. At what point did I start f****** it all up? At what point did I take my eye off the ball? I'd give anything to go back in time.
Since I can't do that, I'll make dinner, go to bed early, hope for some sleep and hope that tomorrow is more gentle.
Love to you all x
My mind doesn't stop with the what ifs. Things I could have/should have done differently.
Some days are easier aren't they? And then randomly, a dark, bleak day. I've found today really hard. Yesterday wasn't so bad..I had my usual low level sadness but today has been a tsunami of regret and envy of other people's lives. I was sorting out a bookcase and I found a really old baby book and it set me off. At what point did I start f****** it all up? At what point did I take my eye off the ball? I'd give anything to go back in time.
Since I can't do that, I'll make dinner, go to bed early, hope for some sleep and hope that tomorrow is more gentle.
Love to you all x