Hopeless Club
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Hi hopeless people
We have the lovely Friday check in. I love reading it but I rarely post as I rarely have anything positive to add, I know that's not the point, and I'm not slating it at all. I live for it. I notice if it's late (!) But I hate weekends (our knock was a Friday) and I'm so low I rarely have any updates that aren't awful. I don't want to bring anyone down
So I'm proposing a weekly hopeless club update..no pressure to be cheerful or to find any positives (not that here is that).
Can't promise that I'll own it, remember to post etc. But I will try. And I have all of you in my heart. You are not alone in your hopeless despair.
I hope this is ok. Post on both! There are no rules. But I'm here in my pit of despair and if anyone wants to join me, even momentarily, that would be lovely..I'm also cool on my own! And it's not even my own pit, it's communal so whenever goes.
Love to you all x x
We have the lovely Friday check in. I love reading it but I rarely post as I rarely have anything positive to add, I know that's not the point, and I'm not slating it at all. I live for it. I notice if it's late (!) But I hate weekends (our knock was a Friday) and I'm so low I rarely have any updates that aren't awful. I don't want to bring anyone down
So I'm proposing a weekly hopeless club update..no pressure to be cheerful or to find any positives (not that here is that).
Can't promise that I'll own it, remember to post etc. But I will try. And I have all of you in my heart. You are not alone in your hopeless despair.
I hope this is ok. Post on both! There are no rules. But I'm here in my pit of despair and if anyone wants to join me, even momentarily, that would be lovely..I'm also cool on my own! And it's not even my own pit, it's communal so whenever goes.
Love to you all x x
I will join you it's nice to have people that understand
I'll join too, count me in, I'm scraping the barrel on hope at the moment and positivity and joy. You know how Marie Condo says 'if it doesn't bring you joy throw it out' my whole life would be in the bin....
Count me in xx
I´m in! Only 3 weeks + 3 days since "the knock" and I have no information/haven´t heard from my BF since. I was in the UK to visit my BF when I got the knock at the hotel room door, he was arrested at his job, now back home in my Nordic country. I´m absolutely devastated :(
Sorry there are so many of us here. But Lrf, your post did make me laugh, so thank you for that. I don't laugh much these days. My life also absolutely does not spark joy, wish I could throw it all in big bloody bin and slam the lid down shut. It's a complete bin fire anyway.
I'm battling with a lot of envy at the moment. I know generally speaking, no one ever has it all easy in life, but I envy people with normal problems and lives. I'm so sad and fed up. The secrecy is so hard. If I was actually grieving, I could say so. My friends would get it (again, not saying everyone responds perfectly) but having to plaster a smile on my face when I mostly want to cry is so exhausting.
How was half term? Oh, you know... A complete and utter s**t show, full of tears and arguments, and chasing police officers, and panicking about money and legals costs... How was yours?
I barely leave the house and have completely distanced myself from friends (I know not a single one would get it) but occasionally I see an update - a driving test passed, new jobs, half term holidays, silly family pics and I'm so so envious.
I'm so sad for my family, and so envious that we're not doing all the nice normal stuff. I can't see us ever doing any of that either. Or not in the same relaxed way anyway.
I'm battling with a lot of envy at the moment. I know generally speaking, no one ever has it all easy in life, but I envy people with normal problems and lives. I'm so sad and fed up. The secrecy is so hard. If I was actually grieving, I could say so. My friends would get it (again, not saying everyone responds perfectly) but having to plaster a smile on my face when I mostly want to cry is so exhausting.
How was half term? Oh, you know... A complete and utter s**t show, full of tears and arguments, and chasing police officers, and panicking about money and legals costs... How was yours?
I barely leave the house and have completely distanced myself from friends (I know not a single one would get it) but occasionally I see an update - a driving test passed, new jobs, half term holidays, silly family pics and I'm so so envious.
I'm so sad for my family, and so envious that we're not doing all the nice normal stuff. I can't see us ever doing any of that either. Or not in the same relaxed way anyway.
It's so unfair that it drags on for so long my kids whole childhood will be gone probably before we even know what's going to happen.
The helpline is so pointless nothing they can say to make me feel better. Medication doesn't help. So alone seriously. It's like you've lost everyone you've ever loved but have to pretend everything is fine.
Kids would be better off with someone else.
The helpline is so pointless nothing they can say to make me feel better. Medication doesn't help. So alone seriously. It's like you've lost everyone you've ever loved but have to pretend everything is fine.
Kids would be better off with someone else.
Oh Life, it's so hard. It devastates our entire lives doesn't it? Takes our past, present and the future we though we would have.
But, despite all of it, your kids are not better off without you. They need you now more than ever. That's also s*** isnt it? That we have to be strong and keep the wheels turning when the our lives have imploded but we have to and we will for our children.
You're not alone in any of this. I sometimes feel full of rage as soon as I wake up because I have another 24 hours of this s*** to get through.
Some days I literally don't know how I made it through the day, and I'm not sure how I'll make it through the next day.
X
But, despite all of it, your kids are not better off without you. They need you now more than ever. That's also s*** isnt it? That we have to be strong and keep the wheels turning when the our lives have imploded but we have to and we will for our children.
You're not alone in any of this. I sometimes feel full of rage as soon as I wake up because I have another 24 hours of this s*** to get through.
Some days I literally don't know how I made it through the day, and I'm not sure how I'll make it through the next day.
X
I think it's important to keep a balance on the forum.
I completely acknowledge we are dragged to our knees on this horrible journey. Its the one 'unique' place we have to air those emotions plus gain understanding in a world that seems against us at times.
Personally the balance of positivity, hope with a sprinkling of humour has continually, throughout the years, been my crutch and kept me going. I needed the positivity to guide me with the hope of better times to come.
I completely acknowledge we are dragged to our knees on this horrible journey. Its the one 'unique' place we have to air those emotions plus gain understanding in a world that seems against us at times.
Personally the balance of positivity, hope with a sprinkling of humour has continually, throughout the years, been my crutch and kept me going. I needed the positivity to guide me with the hope of better times to come.
I hope you're ok this morning Life
I woke up feeling like I'd had a better sleep - it's a small win but I'll take it. I know lack of sleep makes everything so much harder.
I spent some time reading through the forum for the positive stories. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I just keep trying to hold onto 'if they've got through the awful period, then I can probably get through it, too'. But I'm just so desperate for this horrible feeling to go. And so far, it hasn't shifted, no matter what I do.
I've got a really stressful day today. Lots of plates to spin. Too many really. I've written a big note on my desk that says 'you can get through hard days'. Sounds a bit cringey when I say it out loud but I'm hoping the reminder will help just get me through the day.
I'm so overwhelmed by it, and just desperate for some hope.
I've never in my life felt so hopeless..I'm usually quite positive, and just get things done. Hope keeps you going doesn't it? It's so hard to keep moving in the absence of hope.
I'm sad for us all feeling like this x
I woke up feeling like I'd had a better sleep - it's a small win but I'll take it. I know lack of sleep makes everything so much harder.
I spent some time reading through the forum for the positive stories. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I just keep trying to hold onto 'if they've got through the awful period, then I can probably get through it, too'. But I'm just so desperate for this horrible feeling to go. And so far, it hasn't shifted, no matter what I do.
I've got a really stressful day today. Lots of plates to spin. Too many really. I've written a big note on my desk that says 'you can get through hard days'. Sounds a bit cringey when I say it out loud but I'm hoping the reminder will help just get me through the day.
I'm so overwhelmed by it, and just desperate for some hope.
I've never in my life felt so hopeless..I'm usually quite positive, and just get things done. Hope keeps you going doesn't it? It's so hard to keep moving in the absence of hope.
I'm sad for us all feeling like this x
I remember the feelings of complete despair and hopelessness. I'm now four years post sentencing and those feelings don't consume my every waking moment. I won't lie and say they never creep in but on the whole life is easier and my children continue to thrive in every area of their lives which is all I wanted for them and was my biggest fear when the knock happened xxx
Count me in! I'm hopeless and like a good moan! X
I'm in. My best friend, who knows what's happening, says she loves how I'm using my sense of humour to cope. Although many of you will have seen me mostly moaning on here, I do have a sense of humour, I promise! I'll try to share it when I can if it feels appropriate. Its either laugh or cry right? (Might get that printed on a t shirt) xx
How's things going with you all?
4 weeks since the knock for me (happened when I was visiting my BF in the UK and the knock was at our hotel room, he was arrested at work).
Exactly 4 weeks on the day so I'm having a really bad morning :( I can't believe a whole month has passed without hearing a word from him (or anyone).
We've never been apart for more than 3 weeks, we had a long distance relationship (I'm in a Nordic country and he's in the UK) but planned for him to move soon to my country. We've always talked and texted so much every day. A whole month of nothing. A whole month of anxiety and so much crying. A whole month of not knowing where he's at or how he's doing, a whole month of no answers, a whole month of not knowing what will happen.
The silence is killing me slowly :(
Sending you all so much love and wishing you all a great weekend
4 weeks since the knock for me (happened when I was visiting my BF in the UK and the knock was at our hotel room, he was arrested at work).
Exactly 4 weeks on the day so I'm having a really bad morning :( I can't believe a whole month has passed without hearing a word from him (or anyone).
We've never been apart for more than 3 weeks, we had a long distance relationship (I'm in a Nordic country and he's in the UK) but planned for him to move soon to my country. We've always talked and texted so much every day. A whole month of nothing. A whole month of anxiety and so much crying. A whole month of not knowing where he's at or how he's doing, a whole month of no answers, a whole month of not knowing what will happen.
The silence is killing me slowly :(
Sending you all so much love and wishing you all a great weekend
Oh Tinydrops, I can't imagine what you're going through. At least in my situation I know what's happening and that's bad enough, so not knowing what's going on must be horrendous. I'm too early on in this to give any advice as there's nothing happening for my person till his next bail hearing in 2 months. All I can do is send a hug. Keep trying to find out where he is through the organisations you've been recommended. Maybe call the helpline. They may not be able to help with technicalities but they're really good at listening and helping you deal with your feelings. Xx
My first weekly check in after 3 weeks of being forcibly placed in Limbo Land. This week hasn't been too bad. My job is really busy, and I work from home, so I'm able to escape by working long hours. And I've realised that I feel calmer than I should be feeling because of that. I don't have to face people on a day to day basis, putting on an exhausting front. Plus I've been on anti depressants for 20 years for anxiety, so they are definitely earning their keep!
I did get together with 2 of my closest friends at the weekend, and I ended up telling them. I know I can trust them implicitly and they'll be there for me. I was actually told to stop f***ing apologising by one of them as I felt so awful for burdening them with this horrid secret! I feel much better for having some more support, and I truly truly wish that could be the case for all of you in here. Both of them are no longer married, and they gave me more confidence that I can cope with being on my own, should it come to that.
I'm seeing my parents tomorrow, and me and my idiot person have agreed that they can't know the full truth. I've told them we're having problems and are currently semi seperated, mainly so i don't have to keep covering for my person as he feels too ashamed to see them. My dad is trying to help, bless him, but I'm just going to have to tell him to butt out - in the kindest way possible of course.
Anyway, this weekend will be that, plus a bit of work, and looking at lovely paint samples for some decorating we're doing. And it'll be sunny, so I'll go for a walk. Be kind to yourselves this weekend. Eat healthy food, get out in the fresh air, have a glass of wine, try and do/watch something that makes you laugh if you can. Love to you all xx
I did get together with 2 of my closest friends at the weekend, and I ended up telling them. I know I can trust them implicitly and they'll be there for me. I was actually told to stop f***ing apologising by one of them as I felt so awful for burdening them with this horrid secret! I feel much better for having some more support, and I truly truly wish that could be the case for all of you in here. Both of them are no longer married, and they gave me more confidence that I can cope with being on my own, should it come to that.
I'm seeing my parents tomorrow, and me and my idiot person have agreed that they can't know the full truth. I've told them we're having problems and are currently semi seperated, mainly so i don't have to keep covering for my person as he feels too ashamed to see them. My dad is trying to help, bless him, but I'm just going to have to tell him to butt out - in the kindest way possible of course.
Anyway, this weekend will be that, plus a bit of work, and looking at lovely paint samples for some decorating we're doing. And it'll be sunny, so I'll go for a walk. Be kind to yourselves this weekend. Eat healthy food, get out in the fresh air, have a glass of wine, try and do/watch something that makes you laugh if you can. Love to you all xx
I've had a really hard week. I've had some really lovely messages though which have helped and I'm very grateful for.
I've tried so hard. Getting out and about a bit more but if I'm honest, it hasn't helped. I know it will take time, so I'll keep going with it. But it's hard not to wonder if the effort is worth it.
I'm like a rabbit in headlights whenever the dreaded question 'how are you/the family''. Probably need to really rehearse some bull**** answer.
I had shingles recently - on my face which was a lovely bonus. Crying really made it worse - my cheeks were red and raw and really sore. But the skin is healing..it still looks pretty bad but it's not painful anymore. Shingles face combined with no haircuts for months means I'm totally channeling my inner worzel gummage. I can't face sitting in a hairdressers looking at myself and chatting so the scarecrow look will have to stay.
Generally spring coming is a positive but the thought of longer days and lighter evenings fills me with dread. It feels so much easier to hide away in the dark winter. So my stomach churns every time someone tells me how much more day/light we will have.
The fakery is really hard isn't it? Yes! Longer days and brighter evenings - can't wait! When actually I just want to cry at the thought.
Still hopeless, but still here x
I've tried so hard. Getting out and about a bit more but if I'm honest, it hasn't helped. I know it will take time, so I'll keep going with it. But it's hard not to wonder if the effort is worth it.
I'm like a rabbit in headlights whenever the dreaded question 'how are you/the family''. Probably need to really rehearse some bull**** answer.
I had shingles recently - on my face which was a lovely bonus. Crying really made it worse - my cheeks were red and raw and really sore. But the skin is healing..it still looks pretty bad but it's not painful anymore. Shingles face combined with no haircuts for months means I'm totally channeling my inner worzel gummage. I can't face sitting in a hairdressers looking at myself and chatting so the scarecrow look will have to stay.
Generally spring coming is a positive but the thought of longer days and lighter evenings fills me with dread. It feels so much easier to hide away in the dark winter. So my stomach churns every time someone tells me how much more day/light we will have.
The fakery is really hard isn't it? Yes! Longer days and brighter evenings - can't wait! When actually I just want to cry at the thought.
Still hopeless, but still here x
I felt so full of anger yesterday. I'm so unbelievably angry about it all. I feel like I need to shout and scream at the world.
Starr - I hear you! Scream! Shout! xx
I´ve had 2 "ok" days but today I´m back in the dark again. The silence and not knowing what´s going on is slowly killing me. This is such a terror to go through!
I´ve had 2 "ok" days but today I´m back in the dark again. The silence and not knowing what´s going on is slowly killing me. This is such a terror to go through!
I feel utterly crap today. I'm just so fed up with it all.
Hi Starr, I hope the shingles have cleared up now and you feel physically better. I've had a crap week too. So up and down and full of anger. I truly believe these are feelings we just have to feel as part of the process, so I tend to just let them happen rather than fight them and bottle them up. Then I go to bed hoping that the next day will feel less sad, angry, hopeless, scary. Xx
Thank Poppet. I hope you're doing ok today.
Shingles gone thankfully. And my face is healing quite well.
This morning has been awful. Contact from police, nothing much to say just a minor update but it really panicked me.
I've spent the last hour on the bathroom floor trying to calm my breathing. My heart is racing, my mind is fuzzy and jumbled. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through this. It's so big and overwhelming.
I don't know if I can keep dragging myself through the day hiding all of this emotion and fear. It's all just too much.
Shingles gone thankfully. And my face is healing quite well.
This morning has been awful. Contact from police, nothing much to say just a minor update but it really panicked me.
I've spent the last hour on the bathroom floor trying to calm my breathing. My heart is racing, my mind is fuzzy and jumbled. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through this. It's so big and overwhelming.
I don't know if I can keep dragging myself through the day hiding all of this emotion and fear. It's all just too much.
Hi Starr,
I'm so very sorry. I don't really have any words of wisdom. These feelings of complete overwhelm are devastating and indescribable. I don't know if you have already, but if not, please do reach out to your GP. Mine has been incredibly understanding and supportive and although I am not one for medication, I have surrendered and for the time being, take medication to help me manage with the day and to help me sleep. Nothing long term, but just enough to get me through this crisis. You wouldn't be expected to hop along unaided with a broken leg, please don't force yourself to get through the day unaided with a broken heart xxx
I'm so very sorry. I don't really have any words of wisdom. These feelings of complete overwhelm are devastating and indescribable. I don't know if you have already, but if not, please do reach out to your GP. Mine has been incredibly understanding and supportive and although I am not one for medication, I have surrendered and for the time being, take medication to help me manage with the day and to help me sleep. Nothing long term, but just enough to get me through this crisis. You wouldn't be expected to hop along unaided with a broken leg, please don't force yourself to get through the day unaided with a broken heart xxx
I'm so sorry Starr.
Wish I had words of advice, but just know you're not alone, even though some days it feels like it.
Wish I had words of advice, but just know you're not alone, even though some days it feels like it.
Starr wish I had some words that could make this better for you, the rabbit stuck in headlights I can totally relate to and if I am in local area I still feel like this some days, it's crazy to think that it's normal to feel like this, this shouldn't be normalised it's not OK that we have been flung into this situation, a lovely lady once said to me it's all about climbing a ladder I was like you didn't want to go to a hairdresser but I woke up one day and booked one to come to the house she was from outwith my local area I explained due to anxiety I didn't want to enter a salon she had no issue coming to me, it is was by far the best thing I could do for me at that time and I was proud of myself, it didn't fix all my anxiety but for that hour I was doing something for me on my terms in my safe space.
Thank you all for your lovely supportive comments..it's comforting, but sad not to feel completely alone.
Something shifted today. I woke up at 4am, as usual. I tend to lie awake worrying or thinking of all the what ifs, fall in and out of horrible nightmares and anxiety until I have to get up. Then i lie there dreading the day ahead until I'm running late.. But today I just got up and frantically cleaned the whole of downstairs. Then I drove to a different town, bought a load of plants in a garden centre had breakfast in the cafe, came home and spent the day attacking the garden. I feel a lot better. For brief moments throughout the day, I forgot. I actually forgot. Then I had a wave of sadness when I remembered, but the normal moments were such a relief from the usual constant turmoil.
Then I had a soak in the bath, and ordered takeaway..I'm completely shattered and aching!
I have even booked a hair cut for next week! There was a nice looking salon in the town so I booked online.its far enough away that I'm unlikely to bump into anyone I know. Fingers crossed.
Today was a beacon of hope. Tonight I'm back to feeling anxious about the week ahead but the house looks so much nicer it makes a difference and I'm really pleased with what I achieved.
I hope you're all doing ok
Something shifted today. I woke up at 4am, as usual. I tend to lie awake worrying or thinking of all the what ifs, fall in and out of horrible nightmares and anxiety until I have to get up. Then i lie there dreading the day ahead until I'm running late.. But today I just got up and frantically cleaned the whole of downstairs. Then I drove to a different town, bought a load of plants in a garden centre had breakfast in the cafe, came home and spent the day attacking the garden. I feel a lot better. For brief moments throughout the day, I forgot. I actually forgot. Then I had a wave of sadness when I remembered, but the normal moments were such a relief from the usual constant turmoil.
Then I had a soak in the bath, and ordered takeaway..I'm completely shattered and aching!
I have even booked a hair cut for next week! There was a nice looking salon in the town so I booked online.its far enough away that I'm unlikely to bump into anyone I know. Fingers crossed.
Today was a beacon of hope. Tonight I'm back to feeling anxious about the week ahead but the house looks so much nicer it makes a difference and I'm really pleased with what I achieved.
I hope you're all doing ok
Hi Starr, I'm so pleased to know you had moments yesterday when you were focusing on something other than the nightmare you've found yourself in. Hopefully as those moments continue you'll find it slightly easier to cope.
Something that helped me process my anxieties was defining them, writing them down and categorising them into anxieties I could do something about and those I couldn't. I could then focus on doing something about those I could change to give me moments of peace ftom those I couldn't.
Your posts remind me of how I felt in the early months and my heart goes out to you. Sending you a big hug, a hand to hold and more moments of peace of mind
Something that helped me process my anxieties was defining them, writing them down and categorising them into anxieties I could do something about and those I couldn't. I could then focus on doing something about those I could change to give me moments of peace ftom those I couldn't.
Your posts remind me of how I felt in the early months and my heart goes out to you. Sending you a big hug, a hand to hold and more moments of peace of mind
Starr - that's so good, such an achievement! Being productive is definitely good for me too. Build on those victories day by day and hopefully the anxiety will get less and less with time.
Ocean - one of my mantras is don't worry about the things you can control, just concentrate on the things you can. You also can't control other people reactions, so I try not to worry about that until I actually have to.
Keep going, you're all doing amazing xx
Ocean - one of my mantras is don't worry about the things you can control, just concentrate on the things you can. You also can't control other people reactions, so I try not to worry about that until I actually have to.
Keep going, you're all doing amazing xx