Family and Friends Forum

Hi,

I have to be honest in my opinion from your post. I'd run tbh, your relationship is so new and this isn't a battle for you to fight. If he had been the respectful man you describe he wouldn't have left out the fact that he was due to be sentenced for these crimes. I completely understand that it would have been a difficult situation for him to explain to you but to allow you to get so emotionally involved with him or with a version of him is cruel and you don't deserve this.
You are not abandoning him, it's the other way round. He should have given you the information to make a decision on your relationship and his selfishness means he will never be able to give you what you deserve in a relationship.
Obviously it has to be your choice but don't rush into staying with him. I do believe that people can change but at the heart of that is responsibility and accountability for past actions and he hasn't shown that xxx

Hi, I'm so sorry you're here and in the dark with everything. I'm glad you've finally felt able to reach out. It's such a horrid and confusing time when you love someone and feel what they've done is a small part of who they are. I can imagine the conflict going on in your head right now. Many of us on this forum feel the same.

It seems as though even though you've been seeing each other for 2 years, it's quite recent that it's become a 'proper' relationship. You're probably in that honeymoon phase of loving someone, so you need to be really careful not to let your heart rule your head here. There will be practicalities to consider after he gets released, let alone whilst he's in prison. He'll be on the SOR which will probably come with limitations regarding unsupervised contact with children under 18. He'll have lost his job and possibly find it difficult to get another. Convictions can hinder getting the best deals for insurance and mortgages. These are all the kind of things to keep in mind as they become part of a relationship when it's progressed far enough for a couple to want to make a life together. Its not just about loving someone enough to understand how they've got to this, give your help and support, forgive them and trust them again.

To me, it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. If you end it you wouldn't be abandoning him, you'd be looking after yourself and your child. You don't live together so you don't have the complications that brings. Your child isn't involved with him. Don't let his actions bring you down with him, regardless of whether his offences happened years ago. The judge clearly thought he should be imprisoned rather than serve a suspended sentence for a reason. I hate to sound so harsh but I'm just thinking of you and your child. Xx

I am so sorry you're in this position, I know it hurts. Whatever you decide to do, I am sure people in this forum will be supportive of you. However since you have posted here, I hope you don't mind if I give my opinion - you are free to listen to it or not, no judgement.

It sounds like the relationship is relatively new and even though you care deeply about him, you have no big commitments to each other at the moment. I understand why he didn't tell you about everything, it's a difficult topic to discuss, but he didn't give you the honesty you deserved. You weren't given the opportunity to go into this with your eyes wide open. You have only seen the side your OH wanted you to see of him, not the whole picture. It will hurt but I truly think you should cut your losses and try and move on from the relationship. Is this man really worth years of SS involvement? Please put yourself and your child first. This is not your burden to carry and you deserve better.

I'll be honest. Whatever he did in the past, he has lied & lied to you consistently for the whole of your relationship. Do you actually want to make massive sacrifices for someone like that?

A big hug to you. I felt exactly the same when it all first happened, but now my head thoughts and feelings are starting to creep in amongst the heart thoughts and feelings. You'll be in a state of shock and disbelief and in no position to come to any decision. Give it time, there's no rush. Let the stages of this grief play out. Are you able to talk to him to ask questions you need answers to? Xx

It's not naive or bad to want to show kindness and compassion just make sure you extend that kindness and compassion to yourself. If supporting him means breaking your heart over and over then you need to put yourself first xxx

Hi,

I might be wrong but I think I recognise the case from my local area so understand the sentencing. I will also say that the man in the photo looked a nice bloke but utterly broken and shell-shocked.

I am someone who stayed and it is not for the faint hearted. I was 20 odd years into our relationship and the blinkers were off. Some days I wonder how on earth we ended up at this point yet here we are. I can only imagine how painful this is for you as that love is still so strong in the early stages yet he had this hanging over him and didn't share anything with you. Whether that was to protect you only he knows and I suspect he had buried his head in the sand.

My advice would be to think of yourself and your child first. Protect yourself and your heart, ss will make life very difficult unfortunately and you don't want your ex finding out. People's reactions can be visceral to these crimes and it is not your crime to be punished for.

Take care xx

Hi, I'm so sorry and I can feel your pain and bewilderment.
A few thoughts. I really wish I'd walked away after my ex went to prison for images. We divorced early on but I supported him and let him back into my life. He's the father of my children and we'd been best friends for 30 years, married for 17 at the time of the arrest. We went through hell after it was in the press and on social media. I believed he'd never, ever put us through it all again. But he did. He reoffended three years ago and is due to be sentenced next week. It's destroyed me. I'm paralysed with fear of it going on social media again. The reason I'm telling you this is to plant a seed in your mind around whether you could ever truly trust this person again. What if he does it all again and you're further into the relationship? SS's will get involved if he's been honest with the Police and probation regarding your relationship with him.
I know I'm jaded and cynical having been through this twice but these men can be extremely devious and manipulative. Probation will probably have looked into his past, his relationships etc. It reduces how much of a risk they think he is if he can demonstrate long term, stable adult relationships, such as yours might've been. Might his change in attitude towards your relationship be because he was trying to demonstrate that knowing what was coming up.
You have an opportunity to get out of this. I wish I'd had the strength to. X

love actually

I don't function. I have severe PTSD which has been untreated for 8 years. The only way I could survive was by making my life really really small. I became so physically unwell (on top of all the mental), that I have carers visit every day to help me shower etc. I don't see anyone else apart from the ex. I'm still staggered that I'm going through it all again but at least the penny finally dropped. The ex will ALWAYS prioritise "it" over me and our adult children. I cannot wait for Wednesday to be over. Time seems to have stood still. X

LoveActually, I hope I haven't spooked you - it may be a total coincidence as this happens more than we realise. Feel free to drop me a pm for my area if you need to put your mind at rest x

It's obviously totally up to you what you decide, but SS will become involved if you continue a relationship, even having contact between the two of you whilst he is in prison can be enough for a red flag from SS. Whilst they may not find out initially if and when they do find out they may take a dim view of not being informed at an earlier stage. My advice would be steer well clear, you don't want SS involved it's really messy, and I'm sure you're a great mum you'll be putting yourself up for alot of scrutiny and it's not pleasant. I know you feel obligated as he has no-one but like you said he has an extensive family and other children who are still face timing with him which is more contact than a lot of men in this situation have.

Hi,

Have you informed SS already? If so then you should have covered yourself as long as you tell them you are continuing contact whilst he is in prison. If you're planning to continue a relationship either friendship or romantic, and visit him in prison I think if you don't tell them and they find out later it may be an issue for them. But I know it's scary to self refer and I can totally understand the reluctance, if you're not planning to continue having contact then I wouldn't inform them.

It might be worth if your daughter goes to school or nursery talking to their appointed safe guarding lead for advice.

I totally understand your desire to be supportive, but I think when you've also got children to think about their needs are so much more important (that's certainly driven my own decisions regarding my 'OH'). Your partner is a grown adult who has made a serious of horrible choices over a number of years, including treating you awfully. Your young child is 100% innocent & doesn't deserve SS poking round his life & the strain this will put on you.



I know this is hard, but I also think SS will be very concerned about his lying to you like that over a long period of time & will probably see him as very very risky as a result. So potentially even the hint that you might be open to continuing a romantic relationship may set you up for longterm SS involvement. I know you can say things like you'll never let your child meet him, or from SS's POV they only have your word for that.

Op so much of your experience resonates with mine, it's spurred me on to make an account after reading for a couple of weeks or so.

I left my person when they disclosed to me. I had to in order to safeguard my children (who he had luckily also never met) from social services involvement and family court were my co-parent to find out. It was utterly heart wrenching - I still love him despite everything. But while it is unimaginably hard, it was an easy decision to make to protect my children. (I realise that's more complicated for those whose person is the children's other parent than it was for me).

But, since walking away, I'm now torn up just like you are trying to imagine a way in which we could one day at least be friends, I could let him know he's still loved even if I can't be with him, and I could know how he is. I blocked him when I left, but I'm still searching for his name every day hoping to find out what's happening, wanting to know whether he's reached out and is prioritising the help he needs.

When I left, I said that he could send me a message at a certain point in time, but no contact before then. I'm definitely in the bargaining stage of grief right now imagining scenarios where he is doing the work and that we'd be able to build a friendship then. But I also know in my heart of hearts that that isn't the kind of life that I want to live, and social services involvement definitely isn't something I could ever risk for my children. I couldn't look them in the eye if I brought that on them, especially if they found out why.

What everyone has said that even a friendship would risk social services hits hard. I desperately want that not to be true, as you do. And I had no idea it would. I'm thankful to the people who've said that, who might have saved me from a bad decision.

It is still very early days for me, just a matter of weeks since he disclosed. The best outcome I can hope for for me is to have moved on enough emotionally by the time that I said he could message me (several months away), that I am no longer tempted. I wish I was there already, this would be much easier.