Family and Friends Forum

Will be interested to read the responses to this as this is a decision I'm struggling with at the minute myself.

Can I ask why he came clean with you after saying that there was nothing? Was he forced into it or did he just decide to tell you?

I feel you, it was my OH that offended and I never expected anything like this to happen either. But at this moment in time I chose to stay but I won't sugarcoat it it's been HARD. We've been extremely fortunate that there hasn't been any media presence, I think if there was we definitly would've split by now. I think the main thing that has kept us together is I recieved the knock very early into my first and quite possibly last ever pregnancy. I was mortified when it happend and like you he kept saying it was a mistake, he didn't do anything, until it came out that the police found more evidence.

I'm not going to lie, there are days where I hate him, that I wish I never met him and especially never had a child with him, is that a healthy relationship? Absolutely not. But then there's days where I don't know where I'd be without him. What's making it hard for us especially now is SS, for nearly 2 years we have lived completely separate with supervised contact so it's like we're married only on paper and nothing more which has made it really hard to maintain a relationship, but we try to for the sake of our child. He's a great dad and loves his child, makes an effort to see them every day and stay as long as he can over weekends.

We're really hopping as we have assessments comming up that we can be a family, but even then we'd need something like couples therapy to try and rebuild our relationship, but that's all down to SS's judgement if they force the choice of my OH or my child, then we will definitly be separating for good x

Arrest in mid 2020, I left the relationship and had minimal contact as he was remanded in custody until sentencing in February 2021. Had our daughter in the same week as sentencing. Decided in mid 2022 that we would start to try and rebuild our relationship. We've had many brutal but honest conversations since sentencing. For me the reason I'm here and we are rebuilding is because I can see how much he has done to work on himself, has taken full responsibility for his actions and shown real remorse.
We have just self referred to ss to start the process of family reunification which is daunting but necessary. It is incredibly difficult either way. The pain I went through in the beginning by ending the relationship was gut wrenching, it physically hurt but being in a relationship with a convicted sex offender brings its own challenges. There was media coverage so anyone who sees us together knows what has happened which is humiliating and although nobody has said anything directly I do feel judged.

Obviously they haven't seen the amount of work we've both put in, not sure many would care about that. I was lucky with ss but it still raises my anxiety levels and I feel like I'm very conscious about things I wouldn't have been with my older children. Anything that could be misinterpreted by professionals I feel panicked by xxx

Still lying after the police turn up would be an absolute deal breaker for me. 'OH' (as he still legally is) has his second interview very soon, so I'll see what that turns up. If he's been lying I'm 100% done with him. The other red line for me - which I will know about either way soon - is him actively seeking out of this material over a period of time.

But TBH even if he clears both of those hurdles I don't think it has legs. I weigh him, the man who put his wife & children through hell to gratifying his selfish weird sexual urges (this turned up a long history of sex chat, cam girls, porn etc) up against the stress, the never-ending SS involvement, the suspicion, the potential hostility of others which staying might entail & I just think "Really?".

I found myself in a similar situation in October 2024 when I discovered my partner of nearly 25 years had not only been arrested the previous year but also been to court and pled guilty. We have separate addresses so he'd managed to keep it all secret. My shock, disgust, anger threw me into a complete head spin. I immediately ended our relationship which I wondered if at the time was a knee jerk reaction. Although the crime itself disgusts me I did wonder if I could get over it when he explained that he was in a dark place etc, the usual reasons and excuses.


For me, the trust was gone and I can't be with someone I don't trust. He was caught in lies every turn and spent the time playing the victim. I lost all respect for him. I, like many others, had absolutely no clue, I felt blindsided, I thought we were happy, content, he was my best friend. But would someone who claimed to love me, and our child, jeopardise everything, including our lives, my career working with children, our daughter being taken into care for his own pleasure. We weren't a priority when he was offending, so he is not my priority now. I want to enjoy my life, as does my daughter, we want to travel, have friends to stay have our freedom, we haven't done anything wrong. I have a very good counsellor who says to me "it's not your shit", and she's right. He made his choices, he has to deal with the consequences but I chose to walk away.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy, it's like a grieving process but it's getting easier day by day. I don't want to be with someone that I'm wondering what they're doing all the time, I don't want to have to monitor someone else's behaviour, it's not my job.

Maybe walking away was the easy way out, I know lots choose to stay and I respect everyone's choice. I've made the right choice for me.

I chose to seperate from my husband after a week after his arrest. I do love him, we have been together for 20 years with 2 children. However, my anger and PTSD from all of this i could not look past. Everytime he would be on his phone or in the bathroom i was getting paranoid and realized I cannot live a life of always looking over my shoulder and not trusting someone. It was a very hard decision as i never imagined being here. However, my gut feeling told me what to do. I want a life of happiness for my children and do not want them living with tension or an anxious/angry mom. So he left. He visits the kids about 5 nights a week or more if I allow it. It was the best decision for me because I certainly need my space from him and start healing and rebuilding my life for me and my children. I know I will never trust him again or be able to be intimate again and that is just not the life i want for myself. As hard and gut wrenching as it was, I feel like I made the right decision. The greif of knowing we will never be able to go on a family vacation again or live out the plans we had for our future hurts ALOT. I will still support him as long as he continues getting help and get to the bottom of what caused this to happen. I pray he can have a healthy and happy life so my children can have their dad and we are able to co-parent. Everyones heart feels different and I completely understand those who chose to stay. Maybe you can try getting some space for a period of time so you have a chance to process this on your own and feel all your feelings and then make a decision on how you move forward.



sending love and strength to you! Xxx

EmLou I can totally empathise as I'm having all the same thoughts and feelings. My head is like a battlefield. Its only been just over 3 weeks for me since The Knock. I've been advised not to make any decisions about my future yet as it's too soon, and too raw, but I can't help my head from going there. We've been together for almost 13 years, married for 2 and a half. I always knew he had intimacy and confidence issues, but I never ever expected something like this to happen. Half of me thinks how the hell could he do this to me, to us, and the other half feels so awful for him as I can see how he got to this point and how upset he is. He says he's told me everything, but im not sure I'll fully believe him till the evidence comes out in court. He needs some serious therapy, and has started it with Stop So. He's doing everything he can to "fix himself", to mitigate any potential sentence, to never do it again, and to improve himself. I'm not sure it'll be enough to fix us though. Like you said about your situation, how can I trust him again. He's broken it so completely, and the trauma he's put me through is horrendous. Everytime theres a knock at the door i think it's the police again come to rearrest him for doing it again. I too am so scared that when sentencing finally happens it gets out and it'll ruin my business I've worked so hard to build, and destroy relationships with friends and family.

I know that viewing IIOC without storing or distributing is considered a low level offense, and if the guilty person isn't interesting enough, it may not get reported on. Plus it's happening so often now it's just not salacious press. But you just never know. Somedays I'm full of compassion for him, and some days I feel our separation is inevitable. And if that happens the only place he can go to is his mums. He doesn't earn enough to get a place of his own and he has no friends to help. I don't want that to happen, he'll be miserable, but why should I be dragged down with him? He's caused all of this through some stupid need for a cheap thrill. But then I can't imagine life without him and will be devastated at losing the life we had together.

All we can do is take one day at a time, get as much support as we can, and look after ourselves to try and keep our minds and bodies healthy. I'm on the list for the Inform course through LFF too. These cases seem to take a long time to move forward, from arrest to forensics, charging to a plea, then to sentencing. For me, this feels like a reprieve. We're living together but seperate from each other. We don't have to face it yet, just get on with day to day life for now. I know we'll have to face it eventually though. But not yet. Feel free to private message me Xx

Hi EmLou,

I'm new to this forum as of today, having been recommend this by my Fiancé's assigned police support person.

I've just read your post and it made me feel as if I had written it myself. I too have been with my OH (fiancé) for over 10 years, planning our life together and this is also uncharacteristic of him.

My OH also lied to me but for a lot longer. The knock came in June 2023 and although he wasn't arrested, our house and his devices were searched. He told me he'd accidentally come across some images by clicking into a KIK app chat that he thought else something else based on the title. So I too believed it was a mistake and he made me keep it all a secret from everyone for 18 months saying he was worried people would jump to conclusions and think to him as that way inclined. I was loyal and didn't want to break his trust.



after a voluntary interview and months of nothing, it seemed like it had gone away and then he got confirmation of his court hearing. Again, he lied, he didn't want me at those hearings and he said he pleaded guilty because they had the evidence of these images. Even after he told me he'd be put on the sex offenders register, he wouldn't tell anyone and I broke down many times and begged him to not let me be the only one that was suffering with this info.



Then, 3 weeks ago he came clean to me because he was backed into a corner. Even then, he lied again and said he'd also been talking to two 15 year olds for like a couple weeks whilst viewing and sharing normal porn. I left home and told my parents and it all came out to his and to his best friends. Yet, over the last 3 weeks I've found out that they were actually 13/14 years and it happened not just for 2 weeks but was picked up again 5 months later - when he bought my engagement ring! He also lied about sending 1 image, there were actually more.

like you, I don't know if that's the full extent because of the lies so I'm having a formal meeting with him & his police support worker to ask questions, but he doesn't want me hearing the wording of his messages and I find it so unfair that has control over what the police guy discloses in terms of content.



he has never displayed any signs of this behaviour and we never had a dry spell sexually, so I can't fathom why he needed to go elsewhere. He keeps telling me it was attention not attraction. These girls were actually decoys not real people and they contacted him, so I don't know what to believe and I'm trying to rationalise but the lies and betrayal i can't seem to get past.



sorry I've given chapter & verse but I've held onto this for many months and I'm so conflicted. Will people judge us if we stay with them? Will we lose friends? Can we have children with them? I don't know what to do.

i hope you are eating/sleeping and leaning on your family & friends x

For me it was an easy decision - if he ever needed me it was in the days and weeks after the arrest (communication). He attempted suicide. I knew in that moment as the young police officer in my kitchen told me they had found him and he was alive, that I had to help him come back from this awful dark place he had been in.

however there is a caveat to that which he is aware of - IF I find out he hasn't been wholly truthful with me it's over - IF he ever does anything like this (it started with adult conversations) it's over. And IF I feel I can't do it any more it's over.

He has done so much in the past 7 months to prove to me that he is sorry and he can and will change - he's taken on board all the help I've given him, completed the Safer Lives course.

I love him. That will never change. But only time will tell if I can stay.

i guess I'm saying there is no time limit on making that decison to leave, and there is also no shame in leaving then trying again further down the line when things have settled.

i wish you all the very best xx

I left. And divorced him within a year. The reason was he was remanded around downloading indecent images. He was sentenced to 3 years in prison, first offence. It went across social media and the press. He phoned me from prison the day after the arrest. He told me he developed an attraction to children from puberty. So for our 30 year relationship, 17 year marriage, 4 children, he was attracted to children the whole time. He kept a lid on it from the age of 13 to the age of 47. I have no idea how I recover from that, let alone stay with him. I did support him though. Although I divorced him, he wouldn't have wanted to stay in the relationship anyway. His secret was out. He was now free to be who he really is.

I'm another person struggling with this at the moment. It's so hard and I swing from one view to the other on a daily basis pretty much. My OH offences are before we met - it took an inordinate length of time for him to be charged and we had been a couple for almost 5 years when he was charged. That was the first I knew, when the police turned up on the door with the charge sheet.

I do believe that he hasn't offended since his arrest (I.e. while we've been together), and we don't have children, which obviously makes things more straightforward. I also believe the explanation he's given for why he viewed the images, and what he's done to address the underlying issues. But however much I believe all this, and understand why he didn't/couldnt tell me, it's had a huge impact on trust in our relationship.

I'm finding it really really hard to come to terms with being in a relationship with a SO and someone who has viewed IIOC, and all the emotions and loaded public judgement that goes along with it, even if I'm carrying that all in my head. I'm also struggling to come to terms with some of the realities of him being on the SOR and having a SHPO. I get angry with him when he says none of this is about me, or affects me, because it affects every aspect of my life. The secrecy, the lies, the fear of him being identified, the intrusion by the authorities, and, if I'm honest, the fear of what people will think of me if they find out, for standing by him. I care about him deeply, but I think my love for him as a life partner has gone and I cannot imagine us having an intimate relationship again. I haven't made a definitive decision, but I think the writing is probably on the wall.

Sorry, that's a bit of an essay best saved for my therapist, but it helps to write it down. And hopefully it helps to know none of us are alone in this, however much we may feel so.

I've decided to stay but that wasn't 'no matter what', contributing factors were;

he was straight and honest from the knock

he was extremely apologetic and shameful

no new information ever came to light

he made lifestyle changes

he quit porn altogether

we had a family together

we built a home and a life together

I did not believe offending was due to primary interest in children

I had accepted some parts of the world were going to be no-go

I had accepted some family members and friends were to be no more.

What I didn't expect was how hard dealing with social services would be, and I now live alone and single parent, married on paper.

It was easier for me I guess, my partners offending was before I even knew him. The IIOC were over the space of 2 months and there was nothing after that, He just didn't get arrested until we was together. So I never had to deal with the betrayal. However. Ultimately the decision to stick around come when I found out he was being completely honest about everything and I see how bad he wanted to be a better person. It took alot of time and alot of yes and nos. Even though he's been sentenced, he knows that if it ever gets too much I am done and he fully respects that.

I imagine a point in the future when he is well. He is doing all the right things today to get there and I do believe he will be able to have a healthy, honest future. Now I imagine him in a new relationship and ask myself how I would feel. The answer is always that I would be jealous and wish he was still my husband. That is why I stay.

It's not always easy. In fact none of it is easy. I tell myself I can always change my mind if my feelings change.

Some things that help:

1. Even though he denied it at first, he eventually took full responsibility for his crimes. The turning point was a suicide attempt. He has pled guilty and is facing the consequences.

2. I have seen all of the police files, went through his emails and texts, gone to a few of his appointments with a specialist psychologist, and he has answered all of my questions, over and over again.

3. We had a good marriage as so many of us do. I never doubted my husband loved me and was attracted to me. We were not struggling intimately. This was not about me, or us. This was a him problem.

4. We have kids and they love him. Watching them together makes my heart happy. I love my kids, my kids benefit from a healthy father, and their father will benefit from my support. So I stay. It's not the biggest reason why but it contributes.

5. He has built a support and accountability network through a twelve step program. Soon he will begin sponsoring and for that I am proud of him.

6. Lots and lots of therapy with a specialist psychologist and now a group sex offender program.

Those are my reasons. It is such a personal decision and I completely respect women who leave as well.

PrairieMom - thank you that's really helpful.

My situation is a bit different to others. The deciding factor for me to leave was finding out he committed image based sexual offences against me. Which then led me to figure out with the help of a therapist how emotionally and sort of sexually abusive he was to me before his offending.

But prior to that I had wanted to stay because he seemed remorseful and was engaging with as much as he could in prison in terms of trying to go on specific SO courses and victim awareness etc. But as time went on something didn't feel right, not when he'd make comments about potentially being attracted to underage girls forever as you can't help what you are attracted to. Then I finally read conversations for myself he had with minors and saw how into it he truly was.

I have choosen to stay.

We are 18 months into this. He went to SAA straight away, he also did a saver lives course and goes to counselling fornightly. Nothing has progressed with the case though.

It is not easy though as he has a LOT of work still to do. Much of which he doesn't fully realise. He is avoiding step 4 on the SAA work :( but maybe it will be OK in the end.

I am stronger, I understand about betrayal trauma but I am not 100% happy as it is hard, really hard.

I do have a support group outside of doing course with LFF, and that is called the Naked Truth Project. It is supporting partners of porn addicts so I also feel alone as I am one of two people in my group who have an OH with police matters but it is still a great network for me.

We have a child & home together which is why I am still here, giving him a chance. It is hard :(

EmLou, taking it one day at a time is all we can do, and i think that's the right way to view it. You'll know what to do eventually. Xx

Hi I am new to all this( 1 week) and my head is all over the place but reading some of these posts is truly eye opening I see myself, my feelings my anger, my hurt, betrayal in all of these posts I (naively) thought I was the only person going through this, thank goodness I was advised to join by the gentleman who I spoke to at stopitnow thank you from the bottom of my heart you may have saved my life x

I stayed in a relationship, but he had to leave the home. Knock June 2022. I ended our marriage Jan 24, I felt enormous pressure from SS, who basically made it impossible for us to stay in a relationship.

He has been 100% honest with me from the day of the knock, and much of what he was honest about was excruciating to hear. He has had so much therapy, to deal with addiction (drugs) and past trauma. We have also had couples therapy with someone from Stop SO. We hope to rebuild our family in the future, but only when we can be confident that SS will work with us rather than against us. He is a different man, I love him and like you, he is my best friend.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. SS was the worst part of this journey, no man is worth what I went through, but my children are and they adore their father.

What I'm trying to say is, if we didn't have kids, I would have dropped him like a stone on day one!