Attention or Sexual Attraction - what do I believe?
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I really need some advice. Im new to this forum but this has been going on for me for a while, although not the full extent of the truth.
My person is my OH who I have been with for over 10 years, engaged & planning our life together including a family one day.
The knock came in June 2023 (no arrest, just search). He told me he'd accidentally come across some images by clicking into a KIK app chat that he thought else something else based on the title. So I too believed it was a mistake and he made me keep it all a secret from everyone for 18 months saying he was worried people would jump to conclusions and think to him as that way inclined. I was loyal and didn't want to break his trust.
After voluntary interview and months of nothing, it seemed like it had gone away and then he got confirmation of his court hearing. Again, he lied, he didn't want me at those hearings and he said he pleaded guilty because they had the evidence of these images. Even after he told me he'd be put on the sex offenders register, he wouldn't tell anyone and I broke down many times and begged him to not let me be the only one that was suffering with this info.
Then, 3 weeks ago he came clean to me because he was backed into a corner. Even then, he lied again and said he'd also been talking to two 15 year olds for a couple weeks whilst viewing and sharing normal porn. I left home and told my parents and it all came out to close friends & family. It's taken me 3 weeks to find out from the police;
There were 6 chats to underage 13-15 (5 month gap between chat 1 and chat 2-6)
3 decoys/hunter groups and 3 possible real ppl. He sent images of himself.
he's also being charged for viewing indecent images (he claims they didn't look underage).
One of those chats that lasted a day was a boy, and they exchanged images of each other.
He can't explain why he did it but keeps telling me he's not sexually motivated by children, or bi-sexual and that it was an attention thing.
how can I believe that considering the evidence?? I have a huge decision to make on staying or leaving and I can't stay if it's a sexual attraction thing as I can't have children with him.
He won't let the police show me the wording of the messages.
Has/is anyone else experiencing this?
he has never displayed any signs of this behaviour and we never had a dry spell sexually, so I can't fathom why he needed to go elsewhere.
My person is my OH who I have been with for over 10 years, engaged & planning our life together including a family one day.
The knock came in June 2023 (no arrest, just search). He told me he'd accidentally come across some images by clicking into a KIK app chat that he thought else something else based on the title. So I too believed it was a mistake and he made me keep it all a secret from everyone for 18 months saying he was worried people would jump to conclusions and think to him as that way inclined. I was loyal and didn't want to break his trust.
After voluntary interview and months of nothing, it seemed like it had gone away and then he got confirmation of his court hearing. Again, he lied, he didn't want me at those hearings and he said he pleaded guilty because they had the evidence of these images. Even after he told me he'd be put on the sex offenders register, he wouldn't tell anyone and I broke down many times and begged him to not let me be the only one that was suffering with this info.
Then, 3 weeks ago he came clean to me because he was backed into a corner. Even then, he lied again and said he'd also been talking to two 15 year olds for a couple weeks whilst viewing and sharing normal porn. I left home and told my parents and it all came out to close friends & family. It's taken me 3 weeks to find out from the police;
There were 6 chats to underage 13-15 (5 month gap between chat 1 and chat 2-6)
3 decoys/hunter groups and 3 possible real ppl. He sent images of himself.
he's also being charged for viewing indecent images (he claims they didn't look underage).
One of those chats that lasted a day was a boy, and they exchanged images of each other.
He can't explain why he did it but keeps telling me he's not sexually motivated by children, or bi-sexual and that it was an attention thing.
how can I believe that considering the evidence?? I have a huge decision to make on staying or leaving and I can't stay if it's a sexual attraction thing as I can't have children with him.
He won't let the police show me the wording of the messages.
Has/is anyone else experiencing this?
he has never displayed any signs of this behaviour and we never had a dry spell sexually, so I can't fathom why he needed to go elsewhere.
Hi,I'm so sorry you've had to come to this page,it really is just an awful experience,I can't offer any advice on what you should do moving forward as its my ex that has offended(my daughters dad) but if you didn't mind me asking how did you find out all the information? Was it from ur OH? I'm really struggling to get much out of the OIC and I don't really want to ask my ex,unfortunately I wudnt be able to believe him either. I'm so sorry your feeling like this,things will become clearer for u and u won't always have this dark cloud over you.
My person was my husband. Never told me the whole truth or allowed me to go to court. I found out the truth by other means.
Lied or withheld information about other stuff.
Lied about stuff that didn't matter.
Now don't believe a word he says and ended the marriage.
He is still lying and us stupid enough think I won't find out.
Wouldn't know the truth if it hit him in the face.
Lied or withheld information about other stuff.
Lied about stuff that didn't matter.
Now don't believe a word he says and ended the marriage.
He is still lying and us stupid enough think I won't find out.
Wouldn't know the truth if it hit him in the face.
I'm so sorry this is happening. It's a complicated space to be in. Men engage with sexually deviant behaviours for all sorts of reasons, but I see it as a need for help. For some it's the attention, for some sexual gratification or fantasy with a taboo subject matter, some have a sexual interest in children, some have a sexual compulsion or hyper sexuality they can't control, some are non contact and would never commit a contact offense, some are contact offenders. These are people having secret (serious) private thoughts in their head, which they can play out online in 'anonymous' ways. There are people online posing as kids and engaging in chat because that's what floats their boat too, so you never know who you're actually talking to, what's made up and what's not.
There's no one answer I'm afraid and without a psychosexual assessment by a professional, it's very hard to tell. That's why in my view, I think we should be putting offenders on a confidential rehab course encompassing that assessment plus more, to truly find out motivations and what actual danger they pose to children - which would then inform a decision on therapy, medication or criminal charges if appropriate.
The lying and minimisation is without doubt the hardest thing, but in my experience it's the panic, desperation and fear of losing you, losing their lives, losing everything they know and love, coupled with a society that doesn't allow men with these issues to talk more openly, without the fear of judgement, damnation and being seen as subhuman.
Sending all my love xxxx
There's no one answer I'm afraid and without a psychosexual assessment by a professional, it's very hard to tell. That's why in my view, I think we should be putting offenders on a confidential rehab course encompassing that assessment plus more, to truly find out motivations and what actual danger they pose to children - which would then inform a decision on therapy, medication or criminal charges if appropriate.
The lying and minimisation is without doubt the hardest thing, but in my experience it's the panic, desperation and fear of losing you, losing their lives, losing everything they know and love, coupled with a society that doesn't allow men with these issues to talk more openly, without the fear of judgement, damnation and being seen as subhuman.
Sending all my love xxxx
Thank you so much - all 3 of you.
EyeofStorm - I do think that the initial longstanding lie was down to fear of losing everything and I can understand that (as hurt as I am by it) but it's the way he's acted in these past 3 weeks since partially 'coming clean'. Still lying and downplaying it.
The way I finally found out the truth was because my OH agreed to a sit down meeting with me and his Offender Manager. The only thing my OH won't give consent to the OM to disclose is the actual wording of those message or sight of them - which I actually think would help me ascertain attention vs attraction.
He told me he sent 1 image, only because he thought I already knew. And again that was a lie, he sent more.
So essentially, none of the real truth has come from my OH. And the boy thing I'm really struggling with, even if the chat only lasted 1 day.
His court date is this Friday and they may refer in detail to the evidence.
EyeofStorm - I do think that the initial longstanding lie was down to fear of losing everything and I can understand that (as hurt as I am by it) but it's the way he's acted in these past 3 weeks since partially 'coming clean'. Still lying and downplaying it.
The way I finally found out the truth was because my OH agreed to a sit down meeting with me and his Offender Manager. The only thing my OH won't give consent to the OM to disclose is the actual wording of those message or sight of them - which I actually think would help me ascertain attention vs attraction.
He told me he sent 1 image, only because he thought I already knew. And again that was a lie, he sent more.
So essentially, none of the real truth has come from my OH. And the boy thing I'm really struggling with, even if the chat only lasted 1 day.
His court date is this Friday and they may refer in detail to the evidence.
Yeah honey I hear you completely. I think their issues run deep and their ability to admit and discuss their wrongs probably feels like an emotional wall to them. I'm not sure if it's burying their heads, hoping certain details won't come out, hoping they won't be exposed, masters of lying their way through life to hide the person they are or became....combination of all those things.
I'm worn out trying to figure all of it out!
Good luck honey whatever you choose to do - but at some point he has to lay all his cards on the table, otherwise how can you ever move forward xxx
I'm worn out trying to figure all of it out!
Good luck honey whatever you choose to do - but at some point he has to lay all his cards on the table, otherwise how can you ever move forward xxx
My person was arrested for sexual communication with a minor. It was a decoy (thank god) but he thought it was a 14 year old boy. My person admitted to being bi and admitted to battling with his sexuality for the whole of his adult life but is adamant he is not attracted to children and claimed it was just an attention thing, that he spoke to so many people online to sort of fill the void. I actually find that really hard to accept. The minute he found out he was 14, why didnt the conversation end there? Any responsible adult would've not even entertained any conversation after that. Theres just absolutely no need to chat to a child online and then for it to turn flirty and sexual? When you know (or think) its a child on the other side?
My person is a family member and it makes me feel incredibly sick and deeply sad to think they're attracted to children but in my heart of hearts I can't possibly think of any other explanation. Am I being too harsh?
My person is a family member and it makes me feel incredibly sick and deeply sad to think they're attracted to children but in my heart of hearts I can't possibly think of any other explanation. Am I being too harsh?
JellyBean96 thank you for posting, it sounds like we're having the same battle at the moment.
It is hard to believe when they say they arent sexually attracted to children, because as you say why do what they did with 13-15 year olds when there's adult chatlines etc.
I keep thinking - even if it was an attention thing, why did the red flags not pop up when they revealed their ages?!
I'm worried that my OH does have a problem and won't/can't admit it..even if he is referring to it as a 'mistake'.
I'm meeting him for a walk later, where I'm hoping to have an honest and open conversation, as all I've had so far is 'I don't know what to say' or 'I can't remember because I've blocked it out'.
Thanks everyone for your replies.
It is hard to believe when they say they arent sexually attracted to children, because as you say why do what they did with 13-15 year olds when there's adult chatlines etc.
I keep thinking - even if it was an attention thing, why did the red flags not pop up when they revealed their ages?!
I'm worried that my OH does have a problem and won't/can't admit it..even if he is referring to it as a 'mistake'.
I'm meeting him for a walk later, where I'm hoping to have an honest and open conversation, as all I've had so far is 'I don't know what to say' or 'I can't remember because I've blocked it out'.
Thanks everyone for your replies.
Conflicted, I think this is what i struggle with too.. the fact he just shuts it down by saying it was a mistake and theres nothing to "fix" i feel like its just a way of just brushing it under the carpet. Theres no real ownership of what he's done or why he's done it. It's all so hard x
Its hard to answer the question conclusively, because there may be multiple reasons for the behaviour. But in terms of attraction, one thing to consider is exclusivity. Was he only speaking to teenagers, or was he speaking to adults too?
Did he find these girls on an adult chat site, where they were pretending to be adults, or did he find them on a chat site that is mainly used by teens and children?
How old is he? If he is in his 20s, then he might not see the age difference as particularly significant. But if he is in his 40s or 50s, it could be a classic mid life crisis.
One thing that the research shows, is that attraction can be fixed or changeable. Certain life events can trigger an attraction to younger women, and that could include teens. On the other hand, an attraction to children under 11, tends to be something that emerges when they are at a young age themselves and it remains fixed for life.
Did he find these girls on an adult chat site, where they were pretending to be adults, or did he find them on a chat site that is mainly used by teens and children?
How old is he? If he is in his 20s, then he might not see the age difference as particularly significant. But if he is in his 40s or 50s, it could be a classic mid life crisis.
One thing that the research shows, is that attraction can be fixed or changeable. Certain life events can trigger an attraction to younger women, and that could include teens. On the other hand, an attraction to children under 11, tends to be something that emerges when they are at a young age themselves and it remains fixed for life.