Grief at what could've been
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Hi All,
I just need an outlet for these feelings and I'm not sure where else I can express it snd people will understand. My OH is the one under investigation and we have a son. I've decided that our marriage is over as I just can't get past the level of betrayal. We're not divorced yet - I'm not emotionally ready for that yet. He has no one else to support him through this. I've said I can only offer him friendship. I've not been brutally clear because it's all likely to go to court snd he was suicidal at one point. So he is still hopeful thst we can work through this. I've kept this all very private. Very few people know about what he is being investigated for and a few people know that we are separated. This weekend our son had a sporting even that far from home and all the parents and kids went up the night before. I allowed him to go because i wanted pur child to feel like every other child there wity their parents supporting them. There was lots of excitement. There were moments it slipped into an old pattern of familiarity between us. I know he has come away hopeful and clearly he has missed this and craves this. For me these pleasant moments as a family are tinged with sadness- this is what he was prepared the gamble and loose, this is what wasn't enough for him. These lovely moments of ordinary togetherness were precious to me but weren't enough for him. These are the moments that are no longer possible. We had so many of these sorts of moments together before this nightmare. Yes i understand that now he truly understands and appreciates the Importance of them but it feels too late for me. The level of deception and betrayal of our relationship and of our family feels so overwhelming. It takes me breath away.
I just need an outlet for these feelings and I'm not sure where else I can express it snd people will understand. My OH is the one under investigation and we have a son. I've decided that our marriage is over as I just can't get past the level of betrayal. We're not divorced yet - I'm not emotionally ready for that yet. He has no one else to support him through this. I've said I can only offer him friendship. I've not been brutally clear because it's all likely to go to court snd he was suicidal at one point. So he is still hopeful thst we can work through this. I've kept this all very private. Very few people know about what he is being investigated for and a few people know that we are separated. This weekend our son had a sporting even that far from home and all the parents and kids went up the night before. I allowed him to go because i wanted pur child to feel like every other child there wity their parents supporting them. There was lots of excitement. There were moments it slipped into an old pattern of familiarity between us. I know he has come away hopeful and clearly he has missed this and craves this. For me these pleasant moments as a family are tinged with sadness- this is what he was prepared the gamble and loose, this is what wasn't enough for him. These lovely moments of ordinary togetherness were precious to me but weren't enough for him. These are the moments that are no longer possible. We had so many of these sorts of moments together before this nightmare. Yes i understand that now he truly understands and appreciates the Importance of them but it feels too late for me. The level of deception and betrayal of our relationship and of our family feels so overwhelming. It takes me breath away.
I've literally just private messaged someone else to talk about how the joy as a parent at our children's joy being around their other parent coexists with the pure heartbreak we feel as partners or ex partners.
You were always enough and those moments were not lies. Addiction is a cruel thing and in the grips of it the person loses all sight of the implications their actions have on those they love xxx
You were always enough and those moments were not lies. Addiction is a cruel thing and in the grips of it the person loses all sight of the implications their actions have on those they love xxx
Thank you - your response helps me to feel less alone. I think today is a tough day because the weekend was so lovely and the idea of our being ostracised for his father's crimes is heart breaking. I'm exhausted - carrying this load of sadness, anxiety and I'm functioning as a single parent in a household that was set up for two parents. I know I'll pick myself up and keep going but it's incredibly difficult.
Hugest hugs to you both. I feel like I'm playing-acting as a family sometimes, other times it feels genuinely happy and natural, and there are also moments when he feels like a destructive intruder into the home. Its devastating. He doesn't live with us and won't be allowed to in the future (my decision, regardless of SS view). The kids seem to be able to cope with the situation ok, but this weekend they've been letting me know their feelings of sadness, anger, loss etc.
Hi
I hear you. I'm in the same boat. He doesn't live with us and I wouldn't allow it regardless. I know my life could practically be made easier as he's not a danger irl to anyone but I won't allow the assessment as then my child's school would be informed and I'm not having that risk as I'm working hard to protect his childhood for as long as possible for as much as i can. The roller coaster if feelings is tough.. sigh!
I hear you. I'm in the same boat. He doesn't live with us and I wouldn't allow it regardless. I know my life could practically be made easier as he's not a danger irl to anyone but I won't allow the assessment as then my child's school would be informed and I'm not having that risk as I'm working hard to protect his childhood for as long as possible for as much as i can. The roller coaster if feelings is tough.. sigh!
We've had the SW involved and both kids' schools know about the situation. Social worker closed the case pending outcome, but whatever happens I won't allow my children's childhoods to be diminished. The thought of having to factor in his conviction when inviting friends over etc - just gives me the rage. Why should they have to suffer?
It's just so tough isn't it. I feel for everyone going through this situation. Its just not fair. I agree with one of the comments about addiction though - it's the only thing they see, dopamine, adrenaline and that need for the thrill takes over and they can't see the potential consequences.
My husband has no one to talk to either, apart from a counsellor but that's in very early stages. He's doing things around the house that benefit us and our future, but it makes me so sad that he's possibly not going to be able to enjoy it because I just don't know if I can stay in our marriage. I get hopeful one day if we enjoy something together, then the next day I'm so sad because those simple things we all do as couples could be gone. I'm trying to take each day at a time, and not think that because I feel low today, I'll feel low all the time.
Just know that you're not alone Hyacinth. Xx
My husband has no one to talk to either, apart from a counsellor but that's in very early stages. He's doing things around the house that benefit us and our future, but it makes me so sad that he's possibly not going to be able to enjoy it because I just don't know if I can stay in our marriage. I get hopeful one day if we enjoy something together, then the next day I'm so sad because those simple things we all do as couples could be gone. I'm trying to take each day at a time, and not think that because I feel low today, I'll feel low all the time.
Just know that you're not alone Hyacinth. Xx
Thank you LisaMargeMaggie and Poppet
I have to say I feel rage too that his actions could be so awful for our son. He had his childhood and it was a good one. The idea of our son having to grow up facing bullying fills me with rage. Our son has already had to deal with me having life threatening illness. He is such a kind, sensitive, shy boy and the idea of him having to face being called the son of a p. Fills me with horror.
I understand it was an addiction. But somehow the selfishness of it enrages me. He's spent more time researching a battery charger to buy than he apparently did when looking at the consequences. It was a shock to him when he did the LF course and they spelled out the consequences for families. It's likely we'll have to sell our house and he's left me to sort out the house maintenance that he left because he had prioritised this addiction. Sadly I'm unlikely to get a mortgage on my own. It's been hard planting up the garden and getting everything looking nice knowing that we'll likely have to leave our home of more than 20 years.
The consequences of their actions are truly stunning.
Thank you for listening to my ranting!
I have to say I feel rage too that his actions could be so awful for our son. He had his childhood and it was a good one. The idea of our son having to grow up facing bullying fills me with rage. Our son has already had to deal with me having life threatening illness. He is such a kind, sensitive, shy boy and the idea of him having to face being called the son of a p. Fills me with horror.
I understand it was an addiction. But somehow the selfishness of it enrages me. He's spent more time researching a battery charger to buy than he apparently did when looking at the consequences. It was a shock to him when he did the LF course and they spelled out the consequences for families. It's likely we'll have to sell our house and he's left me to sort out the house maintenance that he left because he had prioritised this addiction. Sadly I'm unlikely to get a mortgage on my own. It's been hard planting up the garden and getting everything looking nice knowing that we'll likely have to leave our home of more than 20 years.
The consequences of their actions are truly stunning.
Thank you for listening to my ranting!
So much of that resonates Hycinth. I can't understand my husband's priorities. He's already saying he can't take 'any old job' once he's convicted, as it'll tire him out too much to find a lucrative self employed contract. He spends hours on his own wellbeing, leaving me to drag myself through each week working compressed hours and reason with dealing with our anxious and neurodiverse children. He'll wear himself out at work then be too tired to help when he comes over.
im hoping to change to an interest only mortgage before conviction, as I can just about cover the monthly payment for the next 10 years until the kids are older / at uni. He'll be grumbling that he's got nowhere to live and I'll be feeling sorry for him but it's ALL HIS DOING.
im hoping to change to an interest only mortgage before conviction, as I can just about cover the monthly payment for the next 10 years until the kids are older / at uni. He'll be grumbling that he's got nowhere to live and I'll be feeling sorry for him but it's ALL HIS DOING.
Wow! I'm getting the same thing. He is working on himself while I carry everything else. There's been a slight improvement very recently but I'm knackered. I truly hear you!
Your post really resonates with me too..it's slightly different as I'm a parent but those what ifs taunt me.
Until fairly recently, I felt haunted 24/7 by it all. As predicted by the lovely, wise women here - and much to my suprise, that's shifted a little recently..I now have occasional moments that I forget what's going on. It's lovely but then I'm hit with thinking 'thats how our lives should be all the time!' - and I'm left wondering what life would have been like at this point had our world not been shattered.
I'm trying to stop focusing on the what ifs, to accept where we are now, and to find joy (or sometimes just normality, lack of anger or sadness) in the hear and now. It's not easy but it's less painful than the if only/what ifs.
Sometimes I also want to throw a tantrum and scream and shout about the unfairness of it all, too but I'm managing a bit better with that lately!
X
Until fairly recently, I felt haunted 24/7 by it all. As predicted by the lovely, wise women here - and much to my suprise, that's shifted a little recently..I now have occasional moments that I forget what's going on. It's lovely but then I'm hit with thinking 'thats how our lives should be all the time!' - and I'm left wondering what life would have been like at this point had our world not been shattered.
I'm trying to stop focusing on the what ifs, to accept where we are now, and to find joy (or sometimes just normality, lack of anger or sadness) in the hear and now. It's not easy but it's less painful than the if only/what ifs.
Sometimes I also want to throw a tantrum and scream and shout about the unfairness of it all, too but I'm managing a bit better with that lately!
X