Son arrested at the weekend, total,total shockl
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My husband & me are on holiday,what a joke. Our lives will be forever defined by before the phone call & after the phonecall. We've been in our hotel room since Saturday & not slept or eaten, we fly home tonight.
Our adored 34 year old son was arrested for online (only online) offences. He gave a no comment interview as advised & was bailed that night. He has special needs & I'm in no way whatsoever mitigating what he has done.
He has admitted everything to us & wants to tell the police everything.
I can tell you he is the last, the very last person on this earth you'd have found this about. He was my best friend & we were so close as he lives alone & has never had a relationship. He told at at 15 he was way & we just accepted that.
I want to pay for a specialist solicitor to support him in his confession statement, my husband doesn't.
This is the end of our lives, all 3 of us may as well be dead.
We wants help, where can I find that for him?
Our adored 34 year old son was arrested for online (only online) offences. He gave a no comment interview as advised & was bailed that night. He has special needs & I'm in no way whatsoever mitigating what he has done.
He has admitted everything to us & wants to tell the police everything.
I can tell you he is the last, the very last person on this earth you'd have found this about. He was my best friend & we were so close as he lives alone & has never had a relationship. He told at at 15 he was way & we just accepted that.
I want to pay for a specialist solicitor to support him in his confession statement, my husband doesn't.
This is the end of our lives, all 3 of us may as well be dead.
We wants help, where can I find that for him?
This isn't the end. I promise.
For your son, this is the turning point. This is what I told my person (husband) several times a day during the early weeks - the rest of his life will be a better life than how he was living before the knock. It's often unbearable and often I feel like I'm lying when I say that, but your son has reached rock bottom and must now fight tooth and nail to get himself sorted out. He'll need his mum and dad too. Don't give up, don't despair, call the helpline, you'll feel better once you're back on home turf. Sending so much love.
For your son, this is the turning point. This is what I told my person (husband) several times a day during the early weeks - the rest of his life will be a better life than how he was living before the knock. It's often unbearable and often I feel like I'm lying when I say that, but your son has reached rock bottom and must now fight tooth and nail to get himself sorted out. He'll need his mum and dad too. Don't give up, don't despair, call the helpline, you'll feel better once you're back on home turf. Sending so much love.
Thank you
Hi Cedar
you are not alone. My son has autism - 26 yrs old now but entrapped by vigilantes 3 yrs ago . It's been absolute hell and has consumed my life . He still doesn't understand the devastation and how he will be affected long term . I've nearly had a breakdown over it all - he is gentle and kind and oh so naive .
I've still only told a handful of trusted people. It feels like a bomb has gone off in our lives . I honestly don't know what to do for the best.
Awaiting assessments to determine if he is fit to plead , if he is he has been told he will have to plead guilty- even though it's doubtful if he even realises .
Court on Monday , I could throw up at the thoughts of it and don't know how I'll get through.
Cedar , just take 1 day at a time and don't look too far ahead, it's too much to take in x
you are not alone. My son has autism - 26 yrs old now but entrapped by vigilantes 3 yrs ago . It's been absolute hell and has consumed my life . He still doesn't understand the devastation and how he will be affected long term . I've nearly had a breakdown over it all - he is gentle and kind and oh so naive .
I've still only told a handful of trusted people. It feels like a bomb has gone off in our lives . I honestly don't know what to do for the best.
Awaiting assessments to determine if he is fit to plead , if he is he has been told he will have to plead guilty- even though it's doubtful if he even realises .
Court on Monday , I could throw up at the thoughts of it and don't know how I'll get through.
Cedar , just take 1 day at a time and don't look too far ahead, it's too much to take in x
Cedar - just reading your words takes me right back almost 6 weeks ago when I had the knock, my husband was arrested and my world came crashing down around my ears. I felt the same as you - that my life was over, but with time and getting used to this new 'normal' while we wait for the next stages, I know it's not over. It will be changed, but definitely not over. You're dealing with all the emotions there are, and many of them are conflicting. Its very common that we feel such anger and revulsion towards our person but still love them. Calling the LFF helpline helped me in those first few days enormously, and now I'm waiting to start the Inform course to help me understand everything further. I'd highly recommend calling them when you're home.
When my husband was brought home by the arresting officers I went berserk at him. I called him the P word. But after much research, and getting his reassurance that it was not about a sexual attraction to children, I realised that's not true, presuming he's telling me the truth (People with that horrid label are attracted to children).He's a very stupid man who's issues have led to a lifelong unhealthy relationship with porn, that escalated and he fell down the rabbit hole. Its just a small part of him, and doesn't define who he is. Whether or not he can be fully rehabilitated and we can work through it, I don't know, but he's not a monster. I doubt your son is too, but its so easy to think that way.
He's going to need your support, and you'll need support too. Do lots of research into why people do this, arm yourself with facts. Talk to your other children (presuming they know) and try and help them to understand. They too can phone the helpline and join this forum.This subject is so taboo that most people jump to certain conclusion without any proper knowledge. Its so not black and white and is so misunderstood. Anyway, have a safe flight home, and feel free to message me privately if you'd like. We may all be faceless and nameless here but we're all here for each other. You're not alone xx
When my husband was brought home by the arresting officers I went berserk at him. I called him the P word. But after much research, and getting his reassurance that it was not about a sexual attraction to children, I realised that's not true, presuming he's telling me the truth (People with that horrid label are attracted to children).He's a very stupid man who's issues have led to a lifelong unhealthy relationship with porn, that escalated and he fell down the rabbit hole. Its just a small part of him, and doesn't define who he is. Whether or not he can be fully rehabilitated and we can work through it, I don't know, but he's not a monster. I doubt your son is too, but its so easy to think that way.
He's going to need your support, and you'll need support too. Do lots of research into why people do this, arm yourself with facts. Talk to your other children (presuming they know) and try and help them to understand. They too can phone the helpline and join this forum.This subject is so taboo that most people jump to certain conclusion without any proper knowledge. Its so not black and white and is so misunderstood. Anyway, have a safe flight home, and feel free to message me privately if you'd like. We may all be faceless and nameless here but we're all here for each other. You're not alone xx
Also, I forgot to add, there is a good organisation aimed specifically for people who commit these crimes called Stop So. My husband is doing help modules through them and has started talking to a therapist through them. You could also speak to the OIC ( officer in charge) who may be able to give you more info about the whole process post arrest and bail. Xx
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but you have come to the right place for support.
You say your son has special needs, which may indeed play a part in all of this. Many nuerodiverse adults can be quite vulnerable to online offending.
If you can please speak to the helpline as they can support you and your son throughout this journey.
Be kind to yourself, the best you can, as you have all experienced the trauma of the knock and it is a lot for you all to process.
Thinking of you and your son.
You say your son has special needs, which may indeed play a part in all of this. Many nuerodiverse adults can be quite vulnerable to online offending.
If you can please speak to the helpline as they can support you and your son throughout this journey.
Be kind to yourself, the best you can, as you have all experienced the trauma of the knock and it is a lot for you all to process.
Thinking of you and your son.
I have just seen your post in 'Understanding Why' section. As your son has Autism you may find the book 'The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law' interesting to read. It helped us make sense of the situation we found ourselves in and how someone being on the autistic spectrum could have significantly contributed to this happening. The authors are Tony Attwood, Isabelle Henault and Nick Dubin.
In part of this book Nick Dubin explains his journey as a young gay man and ending up in the criminal justice system and a criminal record.
There is also a book Nick Dubin has wrote himself titled Autism Spectrum Disorder, Developmental Disabilities and the Criminal Justcie System: Breaking the Cycle which may be worth looking at too. ( I personally have not read this)
In part of this book Nick Dubin explains his journey as a young gay man and ending up in the criminal justice system and a criminal record.
There is also a book Nick Dubin has wrote himself titled Autism Spectrum Disorder, Developmental Disabilities and the Criminal Justcie System: Breaking the Cycle which may be worth looking at too. ( I personally have not read this)
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. My son was advised to give a 'no comment' interview on Sat by a duty solicitor. He told us today he wants to own up to everything. I can't let him do that without a solicitor. I've contacted one today & we'll engage them tomorrow. They are a firm that specialises in these offences.
His siblings have reacted differently, brother will never speak to him again, sister not sure.
I will buy that book thank you. What is the LCC thing?
He's contacted somewhere about a course but it's in another part of the country so would need to be zoom which he's not allowed so solicitor can deal with that I think.
My husband will go to speak to him tomorrow & based on that will decide if he will continue contact. I've told my husband I cannot leave him unsupported. All his offences are online but I fear he may have been distributing material as I've found out today he has cryptocurrency. I know nothing about these things but assume that is an additional crime/charge if so.
I'm terrified more will come out tomorrow. Not physical offending that def has never happened but he said there will be thousands of images found. He said he isn't sensually attracted to children. I think I'm probably in deniel the scope of this.
His siblings have reacted differently, brother will never speak to him again, sister not sure.
I will buy that book thank you. What is the LCC thing?
He's contacted somewhere about a course but it's in another part of the country so would need to be zoom which he's not allowed so solicitor can deal with that I think.
My husband will go to speak to him tomorrow & based on that will decide if he will continue contact. I've told my husband I cannot leave him unsupported. All his offences are online but I fear he may have been distributing material as I've found out today he has cryptocurrency. I know nothing about these things but assume that is an additional crime/charge if so.
I'm terrified more will come out tomorrow. Not physical offending that def has never happened but he said there will be thousands of images found. He said he isn't sensually attracted to children. I think I'm probably in deniel the scope of this.
This link may be of interest to you, as it highlights some of the vulnerabilities that may be present in someone on the autistic spectrum with viewing IIOC's online
https://pure.strath.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/120954333/Allely_2020_CYCJ_ASD_and_viewing_indecent_images_of_children.pdf
https://pure.strath.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/120954333/Allely_2020_CYCJ_ASD_and_viewing_indecent_images_of_children.pdf
What a terrible shock for you all. I'm here too because of my son so know only too well the total despair and pain you'll be feeling. I agree with everything LisaMargeMaggie has said, this isn't the end but the turning point for your son. His journey will be tough but with the right help and support he'll hopefully be able to identify how and why he found himself making the bad choices he made and work on learning better coping mechanisms for the future.
I know this feels like the end of the world for you right now but I can reassure you that life won't always feel this bad. You'll find lots of support on here for the wonderful people who have found themselves on similar journeys to you.
I know this feels like the end of the world for you right now but I can reassure you that life won't always feel this bad. You'll find lots of support on here for the wonderful people who have found themselves on similar journeys to you.
Don't call your son a monster - he isn't. He's still the same person you love and adore. There are just SO many reasons why anyone gets on this path of behaviour, sometimes we find out that reason, sometimes we don't.
My son was (is) perfect, kind/loving/thoughtful, hard working - loved and trusted by his whole family so when we found out about his secret world it was mortifying, so understand your emotions completely.
Some continue to view him as a monster but I view my son as a vulnerable man, who needs help. I've stood by him 100% from day one. I'll never forgive him for what he's done or the devastation caused, but he needs a torch of light to guide him through this. I've held that torch for my son and given him a chance. Some may think I'm a mum sheltering my son but I've reached a point in my life where I don't give a damn what other people think.
message me anytime if you need xxx
My son was (is) perfect, kind/loving/thoughtful, hard working - loved and trusted by his whole family so when we found out about his secret world it was mortifying, so understand your emotions completely.
Some continue to view him as a monster but I view my son as a vulnerable man, who needs help. I've stood by him 100% from day one. I'll never forgive him for what he's done or the devastation caused, but he needs a torch of light to guide him through this. I've held that torch for my son and given him a chance. Some may think I'm a mum sheltering my son but I've reached a point in my life where I don't give a damn what other people think.
message me anytime if you need xxx
Hi cedar - I feeel compelled to reply to you as we are parents to an adult offender and firstly please heed what others have said about your son not being a monster. Yes these men have lost sight of their moral compass, a few will have a genuine attraction to children and need help to manage this, but far far more will have reasons for this offence which is nothing to do with having that attraction. Reading this forum for over 2 years now it is clear that being on the autistic spectrum is very common in these backgrounds and some people, like our son, had no idea as they were very high functioning until they explored why they had committed the offences through therapy. For example having huge numbers of images could be more of an obsession with collecting things than meaning they are worse than someone who only had a small number. Of course everyone is different and all will be treated the same by the police as yes they have broken the law and in an awful way. I would urge you to read the modules on this website or explore both yourselves and your son doing the Inform and Inform plus courses with LFF.
As for you and your husband - please take care of yourselves during this horrendous time as my husband and I were so wrapped up in supporting our son that we neglected our own health and we both now have medical problems which traditionally can be attributed to stress.
I hope you can see a tiny ray of light from our replies to you but all of us on here have been through what you're going through now and we are still standing.
One final thing is to say that you are most likely in for a very long wait before things are progressed, let alone concluded so be wary of any officials like the police giving you a timeline to make it sound as if they are expediting things. They might be telling you the truth but more likely it's wishful thinking on their part.
Do PM anyone here who you feel an affinity with if you want to offload more privately, myself included. Sending a hug!
As for you and your husband - please take care of yourselves during this horrendous time as my husband and I were so wrapped up in supporting our son that we neglected our own health and we both now have medical problems which traditionally can be attributed to stress.
I hope you can see a tiny ray of light from our replies to you but all of us on here have been through what you're going through now and we are still standing.
One final thing is to say that you are most likely in for a very long wait before things are progressed, let alone concluded so be wary of any officials like the police giving you a timeline to make it sound as if they are expediting things. They might be telling you the truth but more likely it's wishful thinking on their part.
Do PM anyone here who you feel an affinity with if you want to offload more privately, myself included. Sending a hug!
What wonderful replies and I echo everything that has been said. Cedar, I hope it gives you some light of hope hearing about others stories. We all have dark days where the whole situation doesn't feel like reality but then there are some better days too (eventually)
My two others sons initial reactions were horrific, just try let them come to terms with it slowly and don't force the issue. It's just so hard as a mother to see your family blown apart but thankfully, things are better on that front.
Personally , I think the Police and CPS are a complete disgrace - totally unrealistic timescales, ignoring emails, phone calls etc. Even the Police Crime Comissioner - all uncaring and unhelpful. The problem is is that the position we are all in is that we have no where to turn even just to talk it through. I have found this particularly hard! It's like living a double life
Like others have said, please feel free to PM me, there are lots of us who you can turn to and please remember, you are not alone with all this x
My two others sons initial reactions were horrific, just try let them come to terms with it slowly and don't force the issue. It's just so hard as a mother to see your family blown apart but thankfully, things are better on that front.
Personally , I think the Police and CPS are a complete disgrace - totally unrealistic timescales, ignoring emails, phone calls etc. Even the Police Crime Comissioner - all uncaring and unhelpful. The problem is is that the position we are all in is that we have no where to turn even just to talk it through. I have found this particularly hard! It's like living a double life
Like others have said, please feel free to PM me, there are lots of us who you can turn to and please remember, you are not alone with all this x
I'm home midday today. I'm reading your replies & crying so hard I can't see the print. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
My husband & me are going to stand by him & support him. I've engaged him a specialist solicitor today. He's my best friend & my son & I'll never stop living him.
My husband went straight round to him & we had written 2 pages of questions to ask him. He had answered truthfully the most painful stuff that we asked won the phone but now a face to face will be better. We have to get our heads around it all now. I'll keep in touch tomorrow.
Thank you all so much x
My husband & me are going to stand by him & support him. I've engaged him a specialist solicitor today. He's my best friend & my son & I'll never stop living him.
My husband went straight round to him & we had written 2 pages of questions to ask him. He had answered truthfully the most painful stuff that we asked won the phone but now a face to face will be better. We have to get our heads around it all now. I'll keep in touch tomorrow.
Thank you all so much x
Thank you for updating us Cedar xx
You're in my thoughts, as are your husband and son. You're a wonderful mum.
My husband has just been diagnosed with mild autism, it make so much sense of the last 22 years of my life. I'm horrified by what he's done (sexual communication) but he's my children's father and his mother's precious son.
When I first called the helpline they talked about these offenders often being 'broken little boys'. I know that's not universally the case, but as noted by other posters there's a strong correlation between autism and porn addiction.
Try to eat, sip water as you can bear to, and don't be afraid to speak to your GP to get some support - including meds! We're a drugged up bunch here, it's hard to keep going without some pill popping >D
You're in my thoughts, as are your husband and son. You're a wonderful mum.
My husband has just been diagnosed with mild autism, it make so much sense of the last 22 years of my life. I'm horrified by what he's done (sexual communication) but he's my children's father and his mother's precious son.
When I first called the helpline they talked about these offenders often being 'broken little boys'. I know that's not universally the case, but as noted by other posters there's a strong correlation between autism and porn addiction.
Try to eat, sip water as you can bear to, and don't be afraid to speak to your GP to get some support - including meds! We're a drugged up bunch here, it's hard to keep going without some pill popping >D
I'm so so glad you're supporting him together. As well as being there for him, you'll need each other rather than being at odds about it. Its so hard to wrap your head around it all and you're being amazing by trying to. Try and take each day at a time. You'll likely feel different emotions every day ranging from despair to anger to compassion and understand. Don't try to fight them, they all need to come out. That's personally how I'm dealing with it and 6 weeks in it's starting to be a case of getting through the week rather than each day. I'm sure that will change when my husbands case finally gets to charging and court, but for now, it'll do. Keep reaching out on here, we're here for you xx
Oh Ceder my heart goes out to you. I'm also a parent. If I'm honest, it very nearly broke me and my family. But we're clinging on... somehow.
The sheer shock and horror of it is just so hard to fathom at times.
I echo all the lovely responses you've already had, keep posting, and hold each other tight. You're not alone x
The sheer shock and horror of it is just so hard to fathom at times.
I echo all the lovely responses you've already had, keep posting, and hold each other tight. You're not alone x
Hi ceder I'm also here because of my son and reading what you wrote was exactly how I felt when this all started, the shock and I felt grief for the son I thought I had, I felt like they was talking about a complete stranger. You will feel every emotion and will be in shock for a while.
At first I didn't know if I could support my son but of course we love them and we do everything we can to support them even though we are so angry with what they have done.
Will be thinking of you, this group has been great when you need advice or support.
At first I didn't know if I could support my son but of course we love them and we do everything we can to support them even though we are so angry with what they have done.
Will be thinking of you, this group has been great when you need advice or support.