How to navigate memories of your person going forward?
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I broke up with my ex 4 months ago after I found out he sent nude images of me to strangers, and we have been no contact since. I have since realized during therapy that this man was sexually coercive towards me too.
I have recently become closer to a male friend at one of my various hobbies, and we have been exchanging long, in depth messages for weeks. Among talking about many other topics, the conversation has turned to previous relationship and sexual experiences/preferences, though not in a flirty way, we just have a shared interests in certain things.
I feel like I can't talk about anything I did with my ex because it's all marred by what he was jailed for. I feel like I can't look back on memories which I previously thought were good, without it all being tainted knowing what he was doing behind my back as well as the revelation that he was sexually coercive towards me.
Also when trying to type out replies about things I'm into, so basically recalling specific sexual encounters with my ex, I sort of feel like I have a mini flashback/dissociative sort of experience. I feel suddenly slightly dizzy, a bit nauseous, and kind of unsafe. It's like a faint version of the sensations I once had when I had a genuine flashback when reading in my diary about a huge verbally abusive argument me and him had.
So if I start to tell my friend about the sort of things I enjoyed, which were all with my ex, it feels like I'm sort of lying because I'm pretending like I'm not being triggered talking about this but also it's too complicated to explain 'well I enjoyed X, Y, Z, but all of that is kind of confusing because he was actually being coercive without me realizing and I felt uncomfortable some of the times but suppressed it, so even though I did enjoy stuff at the same I time felt uncomfortable doing it, oh and he was also cheating on me online with underage girls at the same time'
I do want to open up to my friend about what my ex did as he seems to be an understanding person and seems interested in trying to understand me. He has a psychology degree and a masters in that field (which I'm hoping means he might be somewhat more understanding than your average Joe) but I'm still hesitant in case I tell him and he ends the friendship because I stayed with my ex for two years after he was jailed instead of immediately leaving. He is someone who sounds like he has strong morals and strives to be honest and genuine, and there's me who's been hiding this massive messed up situation from everyone at our shared hobby for years.
I'd appreciate it if anyone has any words of advice!
I have recently become closer to a male friend at one of my various hobbies, and we have been exchanging long, in depth messages for weeks. Among talking about many other topics, the conversation has turned to previous relationship and sexual experiences/preferences, though not in a flirty way, we just have a shared interests in certain things.
I feel like I can't talk about anything I did with my ex because it's all marred by what he was jailed for. I feel like I can't look back on memories which I previously thought were good, without it all being tainted knowing what he was doing behind my back as well as the revelation that he was sexually coercive towards me.
Also when trying to type out replies about things I'm into, so basically recalling specific sexual encounters with my ex, I sort of feel like I have a mini flashback/dissociative sort of experience. I feel suddenly slightly dizzy, a bit nauseous, and kind of unsafe. It's like a faint version of the sensations I once had when I had a genuine flashback when reading in my diary about a huge verbally abusive argument me and him had.
So if I start to tell my friend about the sort of things I enjoyed, which were all with my ex, it feels like I'm sort of lying because I'm pretending like I'm not being triggered talking about this but also it's too complicated to explain 'well I enjoyed X, Y, Z, but all of that is kind of confusing because he was actually being coercive without me realizing and I felt uncomfortable some of the times but suppressed it, so even though I did enjoy stuff at the same I time felt uncomfortable doing it, oh and he was also cheating on me online with underage girls at the same time'
I do want to open up to my friend about what my ex did as he seems to be an understanding person and seems interested in trying to understand me. He has a psychology degree and a masters in that field (which I'm hoping means he might be somewhat more understanding than your average Joe) but I'm still hesitant in case I tell him and he ends the friendship because I stayed with my ex for two years after he was jailed instead of immediately leaving. He is someone who sounds like he has strong morals and strives to be honest and genuine, and there's me who's been hiding this massive messed up situation from everyone at our shared hobby for years.
I'd appreciate it if anyone has any words of advice!
Hi Lucy,
Sorry you're going through such a hard time. It sounds to me (though I'm not trying to label you) like you're carrying a lot of shame around and I'd suggest that you speak to a therapist/consellor/external third party to help you work through those feelings. If you don't, they don't go away, they just get deeper. My ex sexually abused me and I carried a lot of shame about it for many years before I found the right therapist who I worked with to unpack all of that trauma. Until I did that, I couldn't move forward.
Sorry you're going through such a hard time. It sounds to me (though I'm not trying to label you) like you're carrying a lot of shame around and I'd suggest that you speak to a therapist/consellor/external third party to help you work through those feelings. If you don't, they don't go away, they just get deeper. My ex sexually abused me and I carried a lot of shame about it for many years before I found the right therapist who I worked with to unpack all of that trauma. Until I did that, I couldn't move forward.