The knock yesterday
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I feel broken. All day yesterday I couldn't get hold of my husband, on returning from work he dropped the bombshell that he had been in police custody all day and all of our electrical devices had been seized.
my husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 3. I work as a nurse and have a nmc registration. My husband has always had a porn addiction, since early teens, I wasn't aware of it until 1 year into our relationship. Before we got together I saw porn as cheating, the lines have become so blurry I don't know what is "normal" any more. After 5 years together I found that he had been sexting girls online, a new norm that I accepted (he was trying to reduce it). Last year he met a girl online and met her for sex, again we worked through it. This year he visited prostitutes on several occasions ... I love the very bones of this man, and feel that he has a split personality, the porn / sex addiction and the kind sweet man I adore.
yesterday the knock - he had shared an illicit picture of an underage person online. He has admitted to sexually talking to girls of 14 and 15. Perhaps just the tip of the iceberg. Yesterday I knew I needed to leave, today I want to play it day by day. My heart and mind are in turmoil.
I have had to speak with my work manager due to my work laptop being seized, she has been very supportive but is pushing me to kick my husband out, to get a restraining order. I am not in that place at the moment, and to be honest I feel that I'm being forced into making a choice. I have spoken to my union and they have said as long as I am not charged my pin is safe. But I feel as if I may have to choose between my job and my husband. I may have to choose between family and friends and him in the future, especially if he is imprisoned or reported in local media.
i am so a dark and lonely place, I am not complicit in his crimes and it makes me feel sick. I know he has an illness, but am I just desensitised to it all now?
my husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 3. I work as a nurse and have a nmc registration. My husband has always had a porn addiction, since early teens, I wasn't aware of it until 1 year into our relationship. Before we got together I saw porn as cheating, the lines have become so blurry I don't know what is "normal" any more. After 5 years together I found that he had been sexting girls online, a new norm that I accepted (he was trying to reduce it). Last year he met a girl online and met her for sex, again we worked through it. This year he visited prostitutes on several occasions ... I love the very bones of this man, and feel that he has a split personality, the porn / sex addiction and the kind sweet man I adore.
yesterday the knock - he had shared an illicit picture of an underage person online. He has admitted to sexually talking to girls of 14 and 15. Perhaps just the tip of the iceberg. Yesterday I knew I needed to leave, today I want to play it day by day. My heart and mind are in turmoil.
I have had to speak with my work manager due to my work laptop being seized, she has been very supportive but is pushing me to kick my husband out, to get a restraining order. I am not in that place at the moment, and to be honest I feel that I'm being forced into making a choice. I have spoken to my union and they have said as long as I am not charged my pin is safe. But I feel as if I may have to choose between my job and my husband. I may have to choose between family and friends and him in the future, especially if he is imprisoned or reported in local media.
i am so a dark and lonely place, I am not complicit in his crimes and it makes me feel sick. I know he has an illness, but am I just desensitised to it all now?
Hi, I'm sorry you're here and that you've been treated so badly. This is a very long process, sometimes years to get to court for sentencing so you don't need to make any decisions now. However, I guess your boss will need to inform HR so I'm a bit concerned about your job. Again I'm so sorry. X
Hello
I’m sorry all this has happened to you and you find yourself on here.
As LittleRobin says unfortunately nothing in this process works quickly and there is absolutely no rush to make decisions about the future.
I’m sorry to say but it sounds like you manager hasn't been particularly supportive at all, I don’t think its in their place to tell you that you should end things with your partner particularly on the day of the knock.
I also work in healthcare and both my employer and regulator have said there are no issues with continuing working with the caveat of course that this would change if for any reason I was implicated in the offence.
I’m sorry all this has happened to you and you find yourself on here.
As LittleRobin says unfortunately nothing in this process works quickly and there is absolutely no rush to make decisions about the future.
I’m sorry to say but it sounds like you manager hasn't been particularly supportive at all, I don’t think its in their place to tell you that you should end things with your partner particularly on the day of the knock.
I also work in healthcare and both my employer and regulator have said there are no issues with continuing working with the caveat of course that this would change if for any reason I was implicated in the offence.
I feel for you so much, so sorry that you're in this awful situation. Others have rightly advised not to make any decisions just now. You need your time to take this all in.
When I look back to my days/weeks immediately after the shock, I remember the panic. It is just awful. The whole journey is so long and painful too. I stuck with him until I knew the charges, praying there wouldn't be any but knowing deep down there would be. His was images....turned out to be hundreds. There was no way I could come back from that. I kicked him out and divorced him.
Coming back to work, i wanted to let you know how my company/manager reacted. They were amazingly supportive to me but did say that if he was still living here/married it would have been more problematic. I didn't need to know in what way, and didn't ask but I got the impression it wouldn't be good for me. My job involves enhanced DBS and this has come back recently all fine. 2.5 years on I am happy and settled again, my career flourishes. To think his actions could have scuppered that makes my blood boil.
Amongst all the other effects the nightmare gives us, the thought of my career being tarnished would have been heartbreaking.
I hope you get all the support and truth you deserve X
When I look back to my days/weeks immediately after the shock, I remember the panic. It is just awful. The whole journey is so long and painful too. I stuck with him until I knew the charges, praying there wouldn't be any but knowing deep down there would be. His was images....turned out to be hundreds. There was no way I could come back from that. I kicked him out and divorced him.
Coming back to work, i wanted to let you know how my company/manager reacted. They were amazingly supportive to me but did say that if he was still living here/married it would have been more problematic. I didn't need to know in what way, and didn't ask but I got the impression it wouldn't be good for me. My job involves enhanced DBS and this has come back recently all fine. 2.5 years on I am happy and settled again, my career flourishes. To think his actions could have scuppered that makes my blood boil.
Amongst all the other effects the nightmare gives us, the thought of my career being tarnished would have been heartbreaking.
I hope you get all the support and truth you deserve X
I'm so sorry you're in this situation
To avoid any misinformation, please be assured that unless you are accused yourself, your job is not at risk. You cannot be guilty by association. The only exception is if you were doing childminding in your home where he lived and possibly some intelligence service jobs. They cannot impact your nursing career, so please try not to worry. They may have to refer to LADO but this is a process and you will retain your job as you've done nothing wrong
To avoid any misinformation, please be assured that unless you are accused yourself, your job is not at risk. You cannot be guilty by association. The only exception is if you were doing childminding in your home where he lived and possibly some intelligence service jobs. They cannot impact your nursing career, so please try not to worry. They may have to refer to LADO but this is a process and you will retain your job as you've done nothing wrong
Devastated
you don't have to choose yet, and you can change your mind at any time and multiple times. It's a hell of a shock to get over; lots of information to process. Your feelings will be a rollercoaster of every emotion going. You need people who can support you rather than tell you what to do. It's your life and your decisions-it's very different when you're actually having to live through it. Until you have to walk in our shoes it's impossible to imagine what it's like, it's very different when it happens to you; especially when you didn't see it coming. Even if your husband did have some behaviour that was a bit red flag-most of us would never imagine we'd be here. Looking back; can I spot some strange behaviour; yes.....but I wasn't suspicious and even with the knowledge I have now I would have suspected he was depressed, stressed, not himself or possibly having an affair-never what he was actually doing. So not trying to to "what-if" or blame yourself. We are victims of our persons behaviour. If you're struggling have you looked at therapy? It might really help; even in the short term to get you through whilst you're stuck waiting for updates. Take care of yourself and we may be strangers but we're here to support those who need help especially in the tough times at the start when its raw.
you don't have to choose yet, and you can change your mind at any time and multiple times. It's a hell of a shock to get over; lots of information to process. Your feelings will be a rollercoaster of every emotion going. You need people who can support you rather than tell you what to do. It's your life and your decisions-it's very different when you're actually having to live through it. Until you have to walk in our shoes it's impossible to imagine what it's like, it's very different when it happens to you; especially when you didn't see it coming. Even if your husband did have some behaviour that was a bit red flag-most of us would never imagine we'd be here. Looking back; can I spot some strange behaviour; yes.....but I wasn't suspicious and even with the knowledge I have now I would have suspected he was depressed, stressed, not himself or possibly having an affair-never what he was actually doing. So not trying to to "what-if" or blame yourself. We are victims of our persons behaviour. If you're struggling have you looked at therapy? It might really help; even in the short term to get you through whilst you're stuck waiting for updates. Take care of yourself and we may be strangers but we're here to support those who need help especially in the tough times at the start when its raw.
Thank you everyone x
Hi Hun,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm just over 2 months post knock and I'm also too an NHS professional (registered). I just want to reassure you that your registration is safe as you have not committed the offences and whether or not you stay with your person is irrelevant and would not come up on the enhanced DBS checks we need to go through. Your career is safe (promise).
I still live in the same home as my person but we have no physical relationship any longer and we're in different bedrooms because I'm not in a position to move following a mental breakdown. I would advise against telling people unless you absolutely have to at this point. You absolutely don't have to make any decisions about your relationship right now, I havent. It's okay if you stay and it's okay if you decide not to in the end. I'll probably wait until I find out the full truth... I was never aware of my person's porn addiction and alcoholism when he was working away for long periods (absolutely not an excuse for what my person has done though). Everything is so slow, it's the limbo before you get the full picture that's the worst thing :(.
I would also recommend having a look at a charity called talking forward, their peer support group is fantastic. Please look after yourself as you're the important one right now and don't rush into any decisions, it's your life x
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm just over 2 months post knock and I'm also too an NHS professional (registered). I just want to reassure you that your registration is safe as you have not committed the offences and whether or not you stay with your person is irrelevant and would not come up on the enhanced DBS checks we need to go through. Your career is safe (promise).
I still live in the same home as my person but we have no physical relationship any longer and we're in different bedrooms because I'm not in a position to move following a mental breakdown. I would advise against telling people unless you absolutely have to at this point. You absolutely don't have to make any decisions about your relationship right now, I havent. It's okay if you stay and it's okay if you decide not to in the end. I'll probably wait until I find out the full truth... I was never aware of my person's porn addiction and alcoholism when he was working away for long periods (absolutely not an excuse for what my person has done though). Everything is so slow, it's the limbo before you get the full picture that's the worst thing :(.
I would also recommend having a look at a charity called talking forward, their peer support group is fantastic. Please look after yourself as you're the important one right now and don't rush into any decisions, it's your life x
I'm a nurse and the only one who knew was my main manager (charge nurse) and she said no one else needed to know. We no longer lived together and it wasn't me or my fault. Since I have let some I'm close with at work aware and always had support. Sadly I did have a lot of time off work and have some meetings with HR but vague details were given and this was only cos I was off for so long.