Family and Friends Forum

Hi G&J



You are doing so well.

We got the knock Jan 2017, and my husband was sentenced in April 2017 he spent 15 months in prison and is on licence for 15 months with a SHPO for 10 years and on register for life.

I am doing a course with Lucy Faithful which is helping me with my understanding of everything. Just need help with ss and trying to satisfy them.

Big hugs to everyone whatever stage you are at.

Hi G&J

It was quick, although the police did find out in Oct 2016 about what had been going on and it took til Jan 2017 to knock.

We were lucky in a way, I left the house at 6.30am to go to work, my daughters left about 7.50am and then the knock came, my husband thought the girls had forgotten something. So really glad the girls were not there.

Nobody in my neighbourhood knows about anything as we do not really talk to anyone where we live.

It all seemed to drag when we were going through it all. I didn't have anyone until I found another place to talk to people and not be judged.I eventually reached out and got a support worker during the summer of 2017.

Getting through the prison bit was hard, once I knew the routine of visiting I was ok, the worst bit sometimes was when I was leaving especially if we had had some deep conversations around the situation. We also took one day at a time. I worried all the time, but that was just me.

I am still with my husband although he doesn't live with me as I have my 2 daughters. I have a dilema as I have 1 daughter who wants contact and another who doesn't.



Big hugs to you both



Snuggle

Hi

Yes everyone does deal with the situations differently.

Just take each day as it comes, you will find you will get stronger.

If you do end up with a custodial sentence, speak to the people running the visitors centre, they will help you and explain all the rules etc.

Make sure you and your mum look after yourselves, make sure you eat and get some rest as well.

Hugs to you both and anyone else out there who needs a hug.

X

Hi G & J



Hope you are both ok?

Hope you got some answers and some support from stop it now?

Snuggle

Hi.

My husband was arrested last year (horrendous!) and spent 15 months on bail because things kept going wrong at court. Being in and out of court no less than six times really took it's toll on our mental health. I was so incredibly grateful to the Foundation, as both me and him went on the Inform and Inform Plus courses respectively during this time. My husband in particular was profoundly changed by attending that course.

He was sentenced in May and has to serve 15 months. It took a few days to really sink in and then I was hit by an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. After a few weeks I realised I needed help and went to the Dr and counselling. I've levelled out now and me and my family have settled into the routine of prison visits.

I miss him terribly but we speak every day on the phone and I make use of his extra visits (as an enhanced prisoner) where I go on my own and we talk about our future. Life has changed as we know it but a future together is possible.

I've moved on quite a long way through sheer determination. Free from his porn addiction (how this all started) my husband is a different man and we have everything to fight for.

With my best wishes. MB.

My husband was arrested in Jan 2015 and was on bail for a year. He was sentenced to 20 months. He came out end of Oct and now I've got SS causing even more stress. I'm supporting my husband and so are our families. We have two daughters who are 5 and 7 and desperately want to see their dad but SS want to put them on a care plan so I've no idea when he will see them. So I see my husband when I'm not at work and while the girls are at school. I'm not going to let SS get me down because no matter how much they try to get me to give up on him, I believe in second chances and hope that people can be better people. It's just sad that it'll be another Christmas not being together as a family.

Hi Lottie

Ss don't rush, they will have done an assessment on you and then talked to your children, then they eventually write there report. This unfortunately can take some time. My husband was released in July, ss got in touch about 3 weeks later, came out spoke to me, then came out and spoke to my girls then I got a letter inviting me to a conference. My girls are on a child protection plan as I am still in a relationship with my husband.

My youngest daughter is desperate to see my husband or have some sort of contact. She has been buying cards for relevant times so when she can she can give them to him when allowed.

Keep your chin up, don't let ss get to you. They all work at their own pace.

Big hugs

Xx

Hi everyone

Just checking in to let you know what's happening with my story. The Knock (downloading indecent images of young children) came back in June, a few weeks before I was due to marry my partner. He has not yet been charged, and I've been told it could be into next year before anything happens.

I've been finding support through this site, through close friends, and therapy which has been invaluable, and which I in the fortunate position to be able to pay for. I put in for NHS therapy six months ago through my GP but have yet to hear anything because of the waiting list.

After the knock happened, I changed the locks, and did not want to see or talk partner of many years ever...I couldn't bear to look at him or hear his voice. But in recent months we have been in touch, had the odd coffee etc, not with a view to ever getting back together....that all ended with the Knock. But I feel that I still have many unanswered questions I want to talk to him about, and I miss him terribly. Still unsure, whether I should be in touch, or try to cut him out of my life and I know my friends and family would rather I didn't keep in touch, but am working through this dilemna.

One piece of advice which I was given to see me through terrible days. 'Set your alarm, get up, put one foot in front of the other, and at the end of the day, give yourself a huge hug for getting through it.'

I am coping, much better that I ever thought I would, but then, unlike lots of you, I haven't got young children who are invovled involved, and am able to stay in my home. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. That moment my life changed and ripped into pieces with that knock on the door is etched in my mind forever. The police said to me, that they come in with a wrecking ball on our lives, and that is what happens.

But however painful it is, I refuse to let this experience define me. So to all of you, poster, Snuggle, G & J, Maria, R, Jolene 21, Stardust, CrazyMayBaby, KLK, Andrea, Hope and and all you other amazing strong women, out there, lots of love and lots of huge hugs for getting through today. Pxxx

Thanks Paula and Smuggle, it's so nice to know someone going through it too.just Paula I can understand why you never want to be with your partner again. I decided to stay because my husbands images were of teenagers which is still very bad but I feel it's different to images of young children as I have young children if that makes sense. Has your partner given you any idea what started it all off? Xx

Paula, thank you for your reply. It has made me cry!

Who'd have thought a group of women who do not know each other in this awful unwanted club could support each other so much with just a few words?!

Thanks for your replies. No Lottie, I don't really know what started it. So many questions still, but probably won't ever get truthful answers.

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Oh my goodness if only we could all beam ourselves into my living room in front of the fire for cake and tea and a chance to meet each other. This is, as someone else so eloquently phrased it, a club that none of us wants to belong to. But this website is helping me so much in knowing that I am not alone. We are the only people who know what we are all going through.

I wish you could post a picture of Fudge as well poster. I wouldn't have been surprised if he did have a saggy tail in this wet weather!

Andrea, I'm so sorry you're having a rotten day. Great idea poster, I think there ought to be an offical Woe is Me Day when there are no calories in cake or chocolate. But on a serious note, Andrea, do you have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling right now? And have you called the helpline. I have found that talking it out is the best way. Or writing it down. I am keeping a journal.

Anyway lots of love and hugs on this wet windy day. Love Paula.xxx

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Hi Andrea,

It is completely understandable that you are still affected by the ongoing situation. I am not clear how long ago ‘The Knock’ happened for you, however in our experience there is no timeline to ‘get over’ something like this. I would like to reassure you that if you are struggling and feel calling the helpline would be beneficial to you then you are in no less need than our other callers. Therefore, I urge you to call the helpline if you would like support or advice.

Lucy

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I wonder if I am in denial, the "knock" happening three days after our 1st wedding anniversary approx one month ago. (this is my 2nd marriage) I have two adult children from my previous marriage. My husband has a porn addiction, naively I knew nothing about, it has involved escorts, viewing indecent images, web porn (whatever that may be), he was arrested for arranging to meet a minor with their parent, he realised at the point prior to the meet that this was a bad choice and never went through with the meeting.

The knock was also three days after we had exchanged on a house, a more exepensive house, the house we are in is in my name, and was just about affordable for me, and now I have the worry of potentially him going to prison and me left to pay for a mortgage and bills I can ill afford by myself.

My family don't want anything to do with him, and this has ostracized me from my them, my sister has children a similar age to the child involved, so now they are all thinking the worst and now in their eyes he is guilty of things he has not even been accused off. My family want him to leave, however we have a house move to get through and to be honest I have no idea what I want.

I still love him, I am trying to see the man I married, and not let this define who he is, but it is so very difficult, I feel very alone at the moment, my thoughts and ideas are very jumbled, I go from one emotion to another none of which makes much sense.

Initially the police have been supportive, and I have seen a therapist once, and the support of the "stop it now" telephone line has helped. I am to embarressed to say anything to close friends, everyone seems to have an opinion on this subject, only seeing what they want to see. Not actually seeing that some of these men need help with some of the unhealthy choices they have made with their association with porn.

A x

Good evening,

I just wanted to share my story. My ex-partner and father of my 2 children (aged 11 & 8) was charged and remanded in custody last week in relation to downloading and sharing of indecent images, he also had downloaded a 'paedophile manual'.

I'm still trying to get my head around everything. We were first informed in November 2017, when I picked up my kids from his house, my daughter told me that the police had been at Dad's house and taken his computer. Alarm bells rang straight away and I spoke to my friend who is a police officer and she told me to report it to the police. A few hours later I was contacted by a detective who told me to stop all contact with my children's father. A few days later we were visited by a SW who told us what was going on.. my ex had admitted to downloading and sharing approx 300-400 images of children, varied categories.

We got through Christmas and in February of this year he took me to court to arrange contact with the children. He was denied contact other than by writing to the children each week by a letter. This is a difficult task in itself as trying to get them to do their homework is hard enough, let alone write a letter!

We plodded on since then with weekly letters, until last week when the detective phoned me and asked if he could come round and speak to me. He did, within 20 minutes of the phonecall. I was informed my ex had been charged with the 9 counts of indecent images (more than the 300-400 originally mentioned) and the posession of the manual. I was also informed he was under investigation for potentially grooming a 15 year old as indecent images of her were found on his phone.

He had a court hearing last week, was remanded and his plea hearing is later on this month. I have been informed he intends to plead 'guilty' and has not requested bail.

I have no idea what to tell my children, I have tried to carry on as normal but they must sense something different with all the quiet conversations I've tried to have with my close family/friends.

I am still in 2 minds wether to go to the court hearing, I want closure but I don't want to hear in great detail what he has actually done. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm waiting to hear back if SS will be involved again as they stopped their involvement back in February this year.

Thank you for taking the time to read this x

Hi, is it normal for an investigation to last over a year? I'm still waiting to hear what if any charges they are bringing against him. The police are always really empathetic when I speak to them and I know they are busy but this seems like like it's taking forever. And although I know there's no going back as he already admitted to me what he's done I am still struggling a year on, I just need some closure. I also find that I am the one calling the police for updates, not all the time maybe once every couple of months, but I do feel like I've been left behind.

Thank you for your lovely and supportive response.

I have contacted the court where his plea hearing is being held and they have advised me this will be via video link, is this normal for this type of offence? I have decided to go anyway, before I knew this. My friend is coming to support me and and his ex girlfriend is going as well.

I still haven’t told my children anything and still don’t plan to on this side of Christmas. They are both aware that their dad is in trouble with the police. My daughter does know a little bit more but after the plea hearing I need to be more honest with them I.e tell them that he is in prison. My son in particular has been talking about is dad more recently but I think it’s more the Christmas festivities that have triggered his thoughts and maybe that he hasn’t received his usual letters from him recently? I’ve juat reassured him that his dad might be busy and not had time to write and he seems to have accepted this. My daughter hardly speaks about him anymore.

I also spoke to a social worker today to see if they would be in touch again since his arrest/charges were made, they advised as I’m safeguarding the children and sound like I’ve got their best interests as priority, the only way they would be in touch is if I wanted to facilitate contact with their dad. I told them this would not be happening and she wholly supported me in this. Touch wood I have had very positive experiences with the social work team and they have been amazingly supportive and listened no matter how big or small the matter is.

Hope everyone is doing ok, thinking of you all at this time x

My knock came in April 2018, totally out of the blue, I'd been with him, my 2nd husband for over 15 years and I knew nothing! He's been charged with 5 counts including downloading, cat A videos and images, animals and pain and distress towards the children, all disgusting and unbelievable.

He is currently going with not guilty and I am having to give evidence in court, b I'm not looking forward to that one in April, which means it'll be a year round from the knock.

Does anyone know what sort of sentence he'll be looking at, my gut is telling me it won't be a custodial sentence? Xx

Hi Tracey, I think it’s far too early in the process to say what sentence your partner will get if he’s found guilty. I’m not a lawyer but there are so many variables involved if your partner hasn’t even pleaded yet. The forensic examination of computers can be extended if the defence instruct their own expert, the police can in turn ask for a second bite of the cherry to and instruct a higher expert. Or your partner will see the evidence against him and be advised his best option can be to plead guilty. Then there’s the whole issue of categorisation of images, are they still or moving images that that court will have to assess if he’s found or pleads guilty. Then after all that you have the issue of discounts for early guilty pleas....and a myriad of other curve balls to come before any outcome of court is known.

I do know you can drive yourself mad wondering about stuff like this and my advice to you is not to think to far ahead. Live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to.

Sorry, using my phone which isn’t the best! My husbands charges changed so many times it was hard to keep up, they changed at almost every appearance, getting lower and lower until the CPS eventually offered no evidence. Computer evidence is very technical and difficult to understand for professionals let alone members of the public. As a professional I thought I knew but had my eyes wide opened when we went through it.

As I said I am not a lawyer, perhaps the best to advise on sentencing would be your partners Barrister. No two cases are the same.

Hi, iam in the early stages, my husband was arrested and let out on bail in May he has just been given a 3 month extension pending further investigations. We have a 4 year old little boy together. I have moved area given my home and job up so i can protect my little boy, as the SS were going to be involved and i did not want that to happen and felt why should my little boy go through that just because ny husband wanted to talk to innocent children. Not only had he spoken to youbg girls but had another life usibg twitter posting pics of his bits in my underwear... iam really sorry but i dont ever want to see or speak to him ever again and will never forgive him. I can't seem to get my head around why you would want to stand by a man who could tear your life into tiny pieces. I have cried myself to sleep some nights as i hsve held it together during the day for my little boys sake, i have got myself a part time job which keeps me going. I just feel that i want the police to charge him and the court case to come and i can move forward and enjoy bringing up my little boy the best i can but i know the day is going to come when he starts to ask questions and thst scares me. What would you say to him???

Hi, iam in the early stages, my husband was arrested and let out on bail in May he has just been given a 3 month extension pending further investigations. We have a 4 year old little boy together. I have moved area given my home and job up so i can protect my little boy, as the SS were going to be involved and i did not want that to happen and felt why should my little boy go through that just because ny husband wanted to talk to innocent children. Not only had he spoken to youbg girls but had another life usibg twitter posting pics of his bits in my underwear... iam really sorry but i dont ever want to see or speak to him ever again and will never forgive him. I can't seem to get my head around why you would want to stand by a man who could tear your life into tiny pieces. I have cried myself to sleep some nights as i have held it together during the day for my little boys sake, i have got myself a part time job which keeps me going. I just feel that i want the police to charge him and the court case to come and i can move forward and enjoy bringing up my little boy the best i can but i know the day is going to come when he starts to ask questions and thst scares me. What would you say to him???

Hi everyone my husband was given a 2 year suspended sentence this week 10 years sex offenders register 35 days probation programme I as his wife am so glad he didn’t go to prison we have been married35 years in August just asking how many people stay together after

Lee1969 have have edited 18 months for this outcome the police are so under staffed

Ah poster, I totally agree. My dog Dottie, yep that's where the name comes from, has been my comfort at the worse moments. After the dreaded knock she started sleeping with me. She was never allowed in the bed before, but I thought did it, I need her company. She would snuggle right up and when I would be sobbing she would rest her head on me. She is back in her own bed now but comes into bed in the morning, or when I'm reading at night.

Walking her is therapy as you say. She loves her ball and it always brings me happiness when I can see she is happy. Our fur babies are amazing.

To you and all the other ladies on here, we are strong and we will get through this. I know that in the short time since my husband was arrested I have become even less judgemental (have always tried not to) of others as you never know someone's full story and what bought them to this point and I hope all of us manage to dodge those most judgemental people who can really hurt us. Nothing is black and white.

Hi all I'm new to this. 18 months ago my brother who lives with my elderly dad got the knock, everything taken. He had a few phone calls from the investigating officer but that stopped. I was contacted by SS and had to put safety measures in place for my son, supervised contact only, so hard as my little boy is autistic and dotes on his uncle. So the waiting game started and this week after 18 long months my brother had to attend a 2nd voluntary interview where he still hasn't been arrested or charged but has been told once the case has been to the CPS this will happen

He has been up front from the start and admitted ( I hope everything) and his disgusted in himself, the police has told him they have found Cat A,B and c images and a video with over 200 images. What I don't understand is they have said they are linked to a virus but this doesn't change what charges will be bought against him.

I'm scared for him he will never cope with prison and I have this awful feeling inside he will take his life. My poor elderly parents are sticking by him and for their sake so am I. I live him his my brother but I also hate him for doing this. I feel consumed by it all I cant eat, sleep or concentrate on daily things. I need to talk to someone but I'm so scared it will get out and people will know what his done. SS contacted me again yesterday and they are satisfied my son is safe but will they contact his school?

My brother has lost his job and I fear for my parents because they live with him, not sure how we will pay for representation, keep the mortgage let alone his debts. Sorry to rant ????????