Way forward is so unclear
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Hi everyone,
I think I'm just after some reassurance, I suppose. It's been a couple of months since the knock and I think the shock is finally wearing off but I just don't know where that leaves me now. He was arrested for possession of Cat A and Cat C images. Over the last 2 months we've been able to carry on as normal as much as we can, lots of big conversations and lots and lots of questions. He's been very open and honest which has helped, but I'm just scared I'm sacrificing too much.
My person and I have been in a relationship for shy of 5 years now, and I never knew a relationship could be this good. I had no idea about his porn addiction, let alone the extremity of the porn he was consuming. It just breaks me that I was so clueless, and now that I know everything I still can't see myself leaving. I can still see a very fulfilling and loving future together, but am I just being naive? It's so hard to assess where my boundaries are anymore.
I think I'm just after some reassurance, I suppose. It's been a couple of months since the knock and I think the shock is finally wearing off but I just don't know where that leaves me now. He was arrested for possession of Cat A and Cat C images. Over the last 2 months we've been able to carry on as normal as much as we can, lots of big conversations and lots and lots of questions. He's been very open and honest which has helped, but I'm just scared I'm sacrificing too much.
My person and I have been in a relationship for shy of 5 years now, and I never knew a relationship could be this good. I had no idea about his porn addiction, let alone the extremity of the porn he was consuming. It just breaks me that I was so clueless, and now that I know everything I still can't see myself leaving. I can still see a very fulfilling and loving future together, but am I just being naive? It's so hard to assess where my boundaries are anymore.
Hi,
It's good to read that your head feels a bit clearer now even though it's only been a few weeks. What I would say is that it is still very early days in the legal process and there will be a few hurdles to jump over yet. You are absolutely not naive for still loving your person and wanting to be with them. Feelings can't be switched off just like that and loving them doesn't mean that you condone their actions. It's not your fault that you weren't aware of the extent of your person's needs and wants. They often hide them. But now you know, you can't unknow it.
I would say take each day as it comes...it will be a rollercoaster of emotions for weeks, months and year to come. Today you may be feeling hopeful but tomorrow may be the opposite and the day after that different yet again. If you don't have immediate decisions to make, then just park them until you feel strong in your conviction and resolute to make them.
xx
It's good to read that your head feels a bit clearer now even though it's only been a few weeks. What I would say is that it is still very early days in the legal process and there will be a few hurdles to jump over yet. You are absolutely not naive for still loving your person and wanting to be with them. Feelings can't be switched off just like that and loving them doesn't mean that you condone their actions. It's not your fault that you weren't aware of the extent of your person's needs and wants. They often hide them. But now you know, you can't unknow it.
I would say take each day as it comes...it will be a rollercoaster of emotions for weeks, months and year to come. Today you may be feeling hopeful but tomorrow may be the opposite and the day after that different yet again. If you don't have immediate decisions to make, then just park them until you feel strong in your conviction and resolute to make them.
xx
Hello, I'm so sorry for you being here, this awful world that non of us deserve to be in. I, like you, was heartbroken to find out my husband had been accessing legal porn. This in itself ripped out my heart, besides the other dreadful illegal stuff. I struggle to find the words to even reference that.
It is early days for you, I'm 5 months in and still processing but a couple of things have helped me. The first is the LFF Inform course which helped me to understand addiction and porn consumption and why my husband ended up where he did. Also you might find a website called The Naked Truth Project helpful. They're Christian in ethos but it's not overt and wouldn't put anyone off I don't think. They educate and campaign around the dangers of pornography and have a lot of info and support around betrayal trauma, which is what we are experiencing. Go gently with yourself, and give yourself time.
Sending you a hug x
It is early days for you, I'm 5 months in and still processing but a couple of things have helped me. The first is the LFF Inform course which helped me to understand addiction and porn consumption and why my husband ended up where he did. Also you might find a website called The Naked Truth Project helpful. They're Christian in ethos but it's not overt and wouldn't put anyone off I don't think. They educate and campaign around the dangers of pornography and have a lot of info and support around betrayal trauma, which is what we are experiencing. Go gently with yourself, and give yourself time.
Sending you a hug x
Hi Whattodo,
I'm so sorry you're find yourself here, but thankfully everyone is so supportive and helpful, and we're all here for each other.
I'll be 2 months down this awful road next week, so I can imagine we both feel similarly. Like the replies from others to your post, take each day as it comes. If you have a good day don't feel guilty or naive. If you have a bad day, just go with it, the feelings that you feel have to come out. I'm starting to come to terms that I can't make any firm decisions yet, and that I'm on a rollercoaster where one day I'm angry, the next sympathetic, the next fearful, and the list goes on. After lots of reading online and in this forum, I know it's going to be months, maybe years, before this situation comes to it's conclusion. So I'm working on accepting that and that 2025 is going to be mostly crap.
From the talks me and my husband of 2 1/2 years, partner of 13, he's likely been addicted to porn too. I totally get the betrayal you feel from that, let alone from what it's led our partners to. For me, our sex life has been non existent for 6 years, and every time I tried to talk about it, my husband changed the subject or palmed me off with a flimsy excuse. He's apparently watched porn regularly since his teens, all the way through our relationship and marriage. Every now and again would've been fine if we'd have had any intimacy, but I'm so angry about the frequency and the excuses. I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive him for that, and for putting me in this horrendous circumstance, so I work hard everyday to keep that thought at bay. Its exhausting. After all, he's not a bad person, just the opposite, but someone who has confidence issues and an inability to open up, which I believe has led him to this point. What he's done doesn't define him. He's got a therapist through StopitNow and will likely do the InformPlus course too. I'm waiting for my place on the Inform course too.
Please feel free to message if you need to talk xx
I'm so sorry you're find yourself here, but thankfully everyone is so supportive and helpful, and we're all here for each other.
I'll be 2 months down this awful road next week, so I can imagine we both feel similarly. Like the replies from others to your post, take each day as it comes. If you have a good day don't feel guilty or naive. If you have a bad day, just go with it, the feelings that you feel have to come out. I'm starting to come to terms that I can't make any firm decisions yet, and that I'm on a rollercoaster where one day I'm angry, the next sympathetic, the next fearful, and the list goes on. After lots of reading online and in this forum, I know it's going to be months, maybe years, before this situation comes to it's conclusion. So I'm working on accepting that and that 2025 is going to be mostly crap.
From the talks me and my husband of 2 1/2 years, partner of 13, he's likely been addicted to porn too. I totally get the betrayal you feel from that, let alone from what it's led our partners to. For me, our sex life has been non existent for 6 years, and every time I tried to talk about it, my husband changed the subject or palmed me off with a flimsy excuse. He's apparently watched porn regularly since his teens, all the way through our relationship and marriage. Every now and again would've been fine if we'd have had any intimacy, but I'm so angry about the frequency and the excuses. I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive him for that, and for putting me in this horrendous circumstance, so I work hard everyday to keep that thought at bay. Its exhausting. After all, he's not a bad person, just the opposite, but someone who has confidence issues and an inability to open up, which I believe has led him to this point. What he's done doesn't define him. He's got a therapist through StopitNow and will likely do the InformPlus course too. I'm waiting for my place on the Inform course too.
Please feel free to message if you need to talk xx
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Hi, I'm sorry you're part of this "Club".
I was in a relationship with my person for over 30 years, married for 17 with children when the knock came. It turned out he'd been attracted to children since puberty. And I had NO idea. Porn addictions And/or attraction to children are usually highly secretive actions by their very nature. It's little wonder we don't know until the unthinkable happens.
I decided to support my person but we did divorce fairly early on because I couldn't share a bed or a life with someone with that sort of inclination. However, after he was let out of prison, I let him back into my life, not as a partner but a friend and he became my carer as I developed a lot of serious health issues. I REALLY regret that because 3 years ago, he reoffended and is due sentencing soon. I believed he would never put me and our children through all that again. I cannot express how much I wish I'd had the courage to walk away. No one can make the decision for you as to whether you should stay in the relationship or not and you are at the very start of what will no doubt be a very long drawn out process. I just wanted to bring to your attention that sometimes, they reoffend but there's so many variables, so much work that needs to be done on their part in order to address the issues. For me, I simply couldn't cope with the decades long lies. Your situation is probably different but these men should be our person. The person we can rely on. The person we can trust. Not the person who brings misery, uncertainty and shame to our door. I wish you all the very best. X
I was in a relationship with my person for over 30 years, married for 17 with children when the knock came. It turned out he'd been attracted to children since puberty. And I had NO idea. Porn addictions And/or attraction to children are usually highly secretive actions by their very nature. It's little wonder we don't know until the unthinkable happens.
I decided to support my person but we did divorce fairly early on because I couldn't share a bed or a life with someone with that sort of inclination. However, after he was let out of prison, I let him back into my life, not as a partner but a friend and he became my carer as I developed a lot of serious health issues. I REALLY regret that because 3 years ago, he reoffended and is due sentencing soon. I believed he would never put me and our children through all that again. I cannot express how much I wish I'd had the courage to walk away. No one can make the decision for you as to whether you should stay in the relationship or not and you are at the very start of what will no doubt be a very long drawn out process. I just wanted to bring to your attention that sometimes, they reoffend but there's so many variables, so much work that needs to be done on their part in order to address the issues. For me, I simply couldn't cope with the decades long lies. Your situation is probably different but these men should be our person. The person we can rely on. The person we can trust. Not the person who brings misery, uncertainty and shame to our door. I wish you all the very best. X
It's a horrible situation to be in, we all know this too well. After my OH was arrested, released on bail I let him home as like you I had so many unanswered questions. I was completely in the dark as to what he was doing, even though many people seem to think I knew. I was quilts by association and still am in some peoples eyes. We've talked so much over the last 9 months as to possibly some of the reasons which may have led to this. He got an 18 month's suspended sentence for 2 years, 180 hours community service and the usual other stuff. We have been together for 28 years, married for just over 26 and still together now. Don’t get me wrong, it's not been an easy time but we are trying our best to rebuild our lives. I hope your future and the way forward will work out well and only you will know what is best for you. Sending big hugs xx
Thank you so much for all your support. I'm so sorry that all of us are having to face this, and without sounding cliche it's reassuring and inspiring to see other people being able to "keep going" so to speaks (with or without their offenders).
I had a big fat cry and a cup of tea, and then made it out in the sunshine for a walk. I ended up having a really lovely evening, chatting and laughing. I don't think I've ever been on such a yo-yo in my life as I have these past couple of months.
Thank you all xx
I had a big fat cry and a cup of tea, and then made it out in the sunshine for a walk. I ended up having a really lovely evening, chatting and laughing. I don't think I've ever been on such a yo-yo in my life as I have these past couple of months.
Thank you all xx