Should we be telling his PPU about me?
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I have started seeing someone (call him Carl, not his real name) who has a conviction for downloading indecent images, spent 18 weeks in prison and has a 10 yr SHPO (8 years remaining) he was transparent and up front after the first date before anything physical happened and I will be honest in the moment I didn't really care because I had no idea if it would be more then a one night thing.
My situation is, I am a divorced mother to 2 children and have them every other week. I have several friends with benefits of which Carl is one, and have no intention of any of them ever meeting the children. I love spending time with Carl, and he has been a massive support emotionally and we have loads of fun, of my fwb he is my fav.
His SHPO states that he must tell his PPU if he stays for more then 12 hours at an address where children will reside, or if he has contact with children (it specifies unsupervised but his PPU has advised him that he should report if he is having any regular contact with children).
I tend to overnight at his, and if we do meet at mine he will come over, spend an evening and then leave by 1-2 am at the latest so only spending 7-8 hours max here. The children are never here, always at there dads when I have anyone over and we do not meet on the weeks I am on mum duty. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a month max.
I do not want to get him into trouble, he is a lovely guy who has sorted his life out and resolved the issues that led to him ending up offending. He clearly has no interest in children in that way and is doing his best to get his life back on track. I have met his ex wife who he is still best friends with and left him not because of the offense but other behavior (he had affairs). Again he has dealt with all of that and is one of the most honest and open people I have met.
I don't want him to tell his PPU about me because I know my ex husband would not understand and would only see the offense not the person. We also both have an agreement we don't need to know what's happening in each others lives if it doesn't it involve the children. In addition carl was previously up front about wanting to see his ex wife's granddaughter (not his own blood) when there where going to be family etc about but child protective services despite his PPU saying he saw no risk wanted to inform the parents workplaces, school etc. he decided not to pursue as he did not want to put them through this.
I am not the only person he is seeing currently, we all know about each other, and we all know about his history, but I am the only one with children.
Would he be in trouble legally if I continue asking him not to tell his PPU about me given we are not directly breaching his order at all? Obviously if things changed and he was to meet the children I would need to reasses but I really don't see any of my current relationships reaching that level of commitment at all, and I don't want them to. However I do care about him and want him to be safe. He at the moment is telling me not to worry he doesn't see that it will ever become an issue because we see each other so infrequently and he is not having any contact with the children at all. Something that can be confirmed.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
My situation is, I am a divorced mother to 2 children and have them every other week. I have several friends with benefits of which Carl is one, and have no intention of any of them ever meeting the children. I love spending time with Carl, and he has been a massive support emotionally and we have loads of fun, of my fwb he is my fav.
His SHPO states that he must tell his PPU if he stays for more then 12 hours at an address where children will reside, or if he has contact with children (it specifies unsupervised but his PPU has advised him that he should report if he is having any regular contact with children).
I tend to overnight at his, and if we do meet at mine he will come over, spend an evening and then leave by 1-2 am at the latest so only spending 7-8 hours max here. The children are never here, always at there dads when I have anyone over and we do not meet on the weeks I am on mum duty. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a month max.
I do not want to get him into trouble, he is a lovely guy who has sorted his life out and resolved the issues that led to him ending up offending. He clearly has no interest in children in that way and is doing his best to get his life back on track. I have met his ex wife who he is still best friends with and left him not because of the offense but other behavior (he had affairs). Again he has dealt with all of that and is one of the most honest and open people I have met.
I don't want him to tell his PPU about me because I know my ex husband would not understand and would only see the offense not the person. We also both have an agreement we don't need to know what's happening in each others lives if it doesn't it involve the children. In addition carl was previously up front about wanting to see his ex wife's granddaughter (not his own blood) when there where going to be family etc about but child protective services despite his PPU saying he saw no risk wanted to inform the parents workplaces, school etc. he decided not to pursue as he did not want to put them through this.
I am not the only person he is seeing currently, we all know about each other, and we all know about his history, but I am the only one with children.
Would he be in trouble legally if I continue asking him not to tell his PPU about me given we are not directly breaching his order at all? Obviously if things changed and he was to meet the children I would need to reasses but I really don't see any of my current relationships reaching that level of commitment at all, and I don't want them to. However I do care about him and want him to be safe. He at the moment is telling me not to worry he doesn't see that it will ever become an issue because we see each other so infrequently and he is not having any contact with the children at all. Something that can be confirmed.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Hi!
I can see you are caught up in a mess - you have the luxury to avoid.
I have decided over years I enjoy making poor life decisions (not really).
I would always suggest to a mother whose children are not with the offender, (in any capacity dad or stepdad) to leave it. And you wrote you aren't the only person he is seeing. This is not (excuse me for concluding) a matter of finding a soulmate.
I am no expert, and you shall follow no advise of mine, but I would say, move on, make life simpler for you, plenty of fish out there, that's not on SOR. Otherwise you'd welcome social services to critique all aspects of your life and your parenting, to speak to your children, tell them God knows what, only to be one of the woman he is seeing.
I can see you are caught up in a mess - you have the luxury to avoid.
I have decided over years I enjoy making poor life decisions (not really).
I would always suggest to a mother whose children are not with the offender, (in any capacity dad or stepdad) to leave it. And you wrote you aren't the only person he is seeing. This is not (excuse me for concluding) a matter of finding a soulmate.
I am no expert, and you shall follow no advise of mine, but I would say, move on, make life simpler for you, plenty of fish out there, that's not on SOR. Otherwise you'd welcome social services to critique all aspects of your life and your parenting, to speak to your children, tell them God knows what, only to be one of the woman he is seeing.
Keeping secrets from the PPU is a dangerous game. They can visit him whenever they choose and they should be checking his phone and other devices when they do visit.
If they do find out, they would not be happy and it would raise questions about his risk.
But I completely understand why you do not want SS involved with your life, because they are extremely judgemental.
If they do find out, they would not be happy and it would raise questions about his risk.
But I completely understand why you do not want SS involved with your life, because they are extremely judgemental.
In terms of the PPU they generally call him before they come out to visit, he is in a very good job that involves him traveling all over the country, and when he isn't working they know he has a very active social life with lots of friends, I think it says everything about him that he didn't lose anyone from his life when it all happened.and this is partly why I would like to give it a chance.
His PPU has often come to visit him and he has not been in so they have taken to checking in before he is due a visit to check when he will be home. They visited him once and he had one of his other partners there and she said they where lovely with her, she explained she was fully aware and she had no children and he never stays over hers, There has been no follow up to that so far.
But he is going to speak to his solicitor and get the full legal breakdown from him in the next week or so and just figure out where he stands. We have both agreed that we will have to end things should SS need to get involved.
His PPU has often come to visit him and he has not been in so they have taken to checking in before he is due a visit to check when he will be home. They visited him once and he had one of his other partners there and she said they where lovely with her, she explained she was fully aware and she had no children and he never stays over hers, There has been no follow up to that so far.
But he is going to speak to his solicitor and get the full legal breakdown from him in the next week or so and just figure out where he stands. We have both agreed that we will have to end things should SS need to get involved.