My Dad has been arrested
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Hello,
im in my 20's, still live at home with family. My parents split a month ago and my dad moved out (unrelated as far as we know). Last Sunday we got the 'knock' looking for my dad and searching the house, we gave his number to police. He later turned himself into the police station after they called him.
He has admitted to us that he has been looking at iioc for 2 years and has had a porn addiction for over 25 years which has got more and more horiffic. This is all very fresh and I don't know where we stand with charges etc. He was arrested on the charges of possessing iioc and sexual activity with a child. He swears he has never actually touched a child but that the second charge must be because he posted some SICK TWISTED 'fantasy' about sexually assaulting a 6 year old niece in a group chat of sorts?!?(he doesn't have a 6 year old niece). I'm not sure if he has downloaded images or just viewed and I don't know anything other than the investigation will be at least 6 months. I don't know what he may be facing. This is a first offence, could he go to prison?
As a daughter I am heartbroken. I can confirm my dad NEVER did anything to me, but the thought of it all is unbearable. What he has done is so disgustingly awful and I feel so ashamed to be the child of someone like that. Yet I somehow still feel so much empathy towards him which I feel wrong for. I don't have anyone to talk to about this other than my closest family members as it's not something I wish to go round telling people. It is hard though as none of them feel the empathy I feel. My mum was already upset with him for leaving her and my brother (19) never had a very close relationship with him anyway. I was a daddy's girl my whole life and we were incredibly close, I didn't know he had this monster inside. I feel I am grieving a man who is still alive. It is awful.
very sorry for the long post but I guess I'm just asking if feeling empathy for someone who has done something so awful is normal? I feel that maybe it makes me a bad person too? I have cut him off completely and feel unable to even look at a picture of him or hear his voice on a recording let alone see him in person. But again, I feel immense guilt for cutting him off, is this wrong? It would be great to hear from others who have been in similar situations.
thank you <3
im in my 20's, still live at home with family. My parents split a month ago and my dad moved out (unrelated as far as we know). Last Sunday we got the 'knock' looking for my dad and searching the house, we gave his number to police. He later turned himself into the police station after they called him.
He has admitted to us that he has been looking at iioc for 2 years and has had a porn addiction for over 25 years which has got more and more horiffic. This is all very fresh and I don't know where we stand with charges etc. He was arrested on the charges of possessing iioc and sexual activity with a child. He swears he has never actually touched a child but that the second charge must be because he posted some SICK TWISTED 'fantasy' about sexually assaulting a 6 year old niece in a group chat of sorts?!?(he doesn't have a 6 year old niece). I'm not sure if he has downloaded images or just viewed and I don't know anything other than the investigation will be at least 6 months. I don't know what he may be facing. This is a first offence, could he go to prison?
As a daughter I am heartbroken. I can confirm my dad NEVER did anything to me, but the thought of it all is unbearable. What he has done is so disgustingly awful and I feel so ashamed to be the child of someone like that. Yet I somehow still feel so much empathy towards him which I feel wrong for. I don't have anyone to talk to about this other than my closest family members as it's not something I wish to go round telling people. It is hard though as none of them feel the empathy I feel. My mum was already upset with him for leaving her and my brother (19) never had a very close relationship with him anyway. I was a daddy's girl my whole life and we were incredibly close, I didn't know he had this monster inside. I feel I am grieving a man who is still alive. It is awful.
very sorry for the long post but I guess I'm just asking if feeling empathy for someone who has done something so awful is normal? I feel that maybe it makes me a bad person too? I have cut him off completely and feel unable to even look at a picture of him or hear his voice on a recording let alone see him in person. But again, I feel immense guilt for cutting him off, is this wrong? It would be great to hear from others who have been in similar situations.
thank you <3
Hi, I'm really sorry you find yourself here.
You are in the very first stages of a very long process. My ex is about to be sentenced for images and it's taken 3 years since the arrest. It is a really long drawn out process.
You are probably feeling deep shock. This process is abit like the grieving process. There are phases such as shock and anger and mourning the person and the relationship they had before with their person.
More than 50% of partners/adult relatives etc of people who are arrested for these sort of crimes stay with them and support them. Obviously this is dependant on many different aspects such as whether their person was remorseful and whether they were committed to putting in the work to help them recover from whatever they've been struggling with. I completely understand your anger at your Dad but it's completely understandable that you feel confused and you still love him. And that's ok. My children were aged between 12 and 18 when their Dad was arrested. I told them and showed them that even though he'd done something awful and illegal, we could still treat him with respect and we could still support him.
There are various degrees of severity with these crimes, such as the grades of the images found. Grade A being the absolute worst, then B then C. Actually chatting online with a child and/or sending or asking for images is another level. It may well take months and months for your Dad to be charged. Unfortunately some do go to prison for a first offence. My ex did.
Lucy Faithful run an online course for the relatives/partners of people who have been arrested for these sorts of crimes. It covers all aspects including what the charges mean and judicial processes. It might be worth looking into. They also run courses for the men who've been arrested.
Please take care of yourself. You've been given one hell of a shock. I know you're hurting by what your Dad has done but he's still the person you love. He probably needs you more than ever. You can ring the helpline too if you need to talk to someone. I can assure you that they are very professional, confidential and knowledgeable. I wish you all the very best. X
You are in the very first stages of a very long process. My ex is about to be sentenced for images and it's taken 3 years since the arrest. It is a really long drawn out process.
You are probably feeling deep shock. This process is abit like the grieving process. There are phases such as shock and anger and mourning the person and the relationship they had before with their person.
More than 50% of partners/adult relatives etc of people who are arrested for these sort of crimes stay with them and support them. Obviously this is dependant on many different aspects such as whether their person was remorseful and whether they were committed to putting in the work to help them recover from whatever they've been struggling with. I completely understand your anger at your Dad but it's completely understandable that you feel confused and you still love him. And that's ok. My children were aged between 12 and 18 when their Dad was arrested. I told them and showed them that even though he'd done something awful and illegal, we could still treat him with respect and we could still support him.
There are various degrees of severity with these crimes, such as the grades of the images found. Grade A being the absolute worst, then B then C. Actually chatting online with a child and/or sending or asking for images is another level. It may well take months and months for your Dad to be charged. Unfortunately some do go to prison for a first offence. My ex did.
Lucy Faithful run an online course for the relatives/partners of people who have been arrested for these sorts of crimes. It covers all aspects including what the charges mean and judicial processes. It might be worth looking into. They also run courses for the men who've been arrested.
Please take care of yourself. You've been given one hell of a shock. I know you're hurting by what your Dad has done but he's still the person you love. He probably needs you more than ever. You can ring the helpline too if you need to talk to someone. I can assure you that they are very professional, confidential and knowledgeable. I wish you all the very best. X
Hello Help,
I think Little Robin has worded her response perfectly and even though her person is her partner she expresses the involvement with her children. I had to have the same conversation with my son who lives a distance from us, I couldn't sit him down at the time but had to tell him over the phone so I couldn't gauge his facial expression's or reactions. What I would say to you is your father is still the same man who still has the same qualities that you love him for, good people can do bad things and whilst what he has done is beyond what you ever expected from him and is a shocking and terrible offence he sounds like a person who has struggled and needs help now. Take your time to gather your thoughts, don't make any rash decisions but if you can try and picture the future (regardless of what's happening now) and ask yourself if you can cope without having him in your life for the next 10-20 years. That is a question I asked my son, I didn't expect him to make any decisions snd I didn't want him pressured by myself or anyone else but wanted him to consider that to avoid him regretting any decisions in years to come.
It sounds like you have been through a lot too recently with your parents separating which is one trauma in itself. It may be worth contacting your GP for further support too, they have to be non judgmental but will support you and signpost you for more help. As LittleRobin said this is the start of a very long journey that you have to prepare yourself for, none of us on here ever knew everything that would and could happen but getting support in place for yourself right now is essential. Hard as it is try to maintain confidences and only confide in people who need to know right now. Please take care and keep in touch with the forum and most importantly look after yourself first and foremost. Love Katie xxx
I think Little Robin has worded her response perfectly and even though her person is her partner she expresses the involvement with her children. I had to have the same conversation with my son who lives a distance from us, I couldn't sit him down at the time but had to tell him over the phone so I couldn't gauge his facial expression's or reactions. What I would say to you is your father is still the same man who still has the same qualities that you love him for, good people can do bad things and whilst what he has done is beyond what you ever expected from him and is a shocking and terrible offence he sounds like a person who has struggled and needs help now. Take your time to gather your thoughts, don't make any rash decisions but if you can try and picture the future (regardless of what's happening now) and ask yourself if you can cope without having him in your life for the next 10-20 years. That is a question I asked my son, I didn't expect him to make any decisions snd I didn't want him pressured by myself or anyone else but wanted him to consider that to avoid him regretting any decisions in years to come.
It sounds like you have been through a lot too recently with your parents separating which is one trauma in itself. It may be worth contacting your GP for further support too, they have to be non judgmental but will support you and signpost you for more help. As LittleRobin said this is the start of a very long journey that you have to prepare yourself for, none of us on here ever knew everything that would and could happen but getting support in place for yourself right now is essential. Hard as it is try to maintain confidences and only confide in people who need to know right now. Please take care and keep in touch with the forum and most importantly look after yourself first and foremost. Love Katie xxx
Thank you so much to those who have taken the time out of their day to reply and help me, you will never know how much it means. The support and advice is incredibly helpful and I will take it on board. Thank you so much, it's incredibly appreciated. I feel very alone at this time as I don't know of anyone who has ever even been in a similar situation so this forum really will be a lifesaver for me. <3
I can't add anything for advice to the two supportive replies you've had. I just want to send you love & support now you've been thrust into a world you'd never dreamed you'd be in, you're not alone. Post here anytime x
Hi Help,
like you, my dad was the person who got the knock and brought me to this place. It is not a fun journey, but like you, he has always been 'dad' to me and in that role he was always a great man, single father and similar. He still cannot tell me the full details, but he has been honest, he knows he did wrong and has been for about 4 years. IIOC all categories, and quite a lot. I'm in Scotland so I don't know how different that might make things, but he was very lucky and managed to avoid prison (which everyone thought it would be). He has regularly engaged with the Stop It Now team here and completed his course. There have been hurdles with the press and a slew of vandalism and he still has a way to go with his own mental health.
There are some things I know, without his support network things might have been very different, there is still a long road to go and you will have to prioritise your own mental health to get through this.
This all happened to me in my 40s, and I am lucky enough to have a small, strong support group of my own. I have time to commit to helping my dad and trying to make things right but if I had my own family it could look very different and even starting a new relationship might be difficult, so engage with the help line and the forum and feel free to pm me if you need.
Good luck and remember that self-care is important!
like you, my dad was the person who got the knock and brought me to this place. It is not a fun journey, but like you, he has always been 'dad' to me and in that role he was always a great man, single father and similar. He still cannot tell me the full details, but he has been honest, he knows he did wrong and has been for about 4 years. IIOC all categories, and quite a lot. I'm in Scotland so I don't know how different that might make things, but he was very lucky and managed to avoid prison (which everyone thought it would be). He has regularly engaged with the Stop It Now team here and completed his course. There have been hurdles with the press and a slew of vandalism and he still has a way to go with his own mental health.
There are some things I know, without his support network things might have been very different, there is still a long road to go and you will have to prioritise your own mental health to get through this.
This all happened to me in my 40s, and I am lucky enough to have a small, strong support group of my own. I have time to commit to helping my dad and trying to make things right but if I had my own family it could look very different and even starting a new relationship might be difficult, so engage with the help line and the forum and feel free to pm me if you need.
Good luck and remember that self-care is important!
Hi thought I'd post as I'm going through the same thing. Im late 20s.
It's been just over 2 months since my dad was arrested after the knock.
I can't even explain the horror of it all.
To protect my heart I don't know the details, I also feel like I don't need to because regardless it is wrong full stop.
I have my own place with my partner so, to be honest, I've run away from it all. I've not seen him since the day it happened. Ive only been inside my family home once because he had gone out.
My mum is doing incredibly well, shes so angry but also so sad for feeling like shes been with a wolf in sheeps clothing for 30 plus years. She's only allowing him to stay so she can properly sort out finances and find somewhere else to live, but I believe she is done. She still cares for his health and wellbeing so I'm sure there will be some form of contact but other than that I'm not so sure.
My younger siblings are enraged, my brother wishes he would disappear from our lives. He had to experience the actual knock, where neither me or my sister were there. He is definitely suffering from ptsd bless his heart.
My dad has never been one to say sorry and he's not been an easy person to live with ever. He's just shut himself away and because no-one is approaching him, he's not trying. Probably from shame and guilt, but if I was him I'd be on my knees grovelling for forgiveness. From what I've heard, he doesn't think he will be charged, but how can we believe what they say anymore?
I don't want to let him back into my life at all until I know what the next step is. Tbh I don't know if I want to see him ever again. Or do I, I don't know? My head is so confused.
I have to say each day gets a little easier and perhaps for me because I'm not living there I can pretend I'm okay.
It is on one hand reassuring we are not alone, but on the other sickening at how even the men closest to us can't be trusted. It doesn't surprise me that a lot of it spirals from addictions or childhood trauma, but I dont buy the excuses - it's still a choice. And now because of their choice they have created secondary victims. Their own selfish messed up brains have damaged us all.
This is honestly my worst nightmare.
I'm trying not to think about birthdays and Christmas because I find that's what makes my heart ache the most. It will never be the same whatever the outcome.
Thinking of you and your family x
It's been just over 2 months since my dad was arrested after the knock.
I can't even explain the horror of it all.
To protect my heart I don't know the details, I also feel like I don't need to because regardless it is wrong full stop.
I have my own place with my partner so, to be honest, I've run away from it all. I've not seen him since the day it happened. Ive only been inside my family home once because he had gone out.
My mum is doing incredibly well, shes so angry but also so sad for feeling like shes been with a wolf in sheeps clothing for 30 plus years. She's only allowing him to stay so she can properly sort out finances and find somewhere else to live, but I believe she is done. She still cares for his health and wellbeing so I'm sure there will be some form of contact but other than that I'm not so sure.
My younger siblings are enraged, my brother wishes he would disappear from our lives. He had to experience the actual knock, where neither me or my sister were there. He is definitely suffering from ptsd bless his heart.
My dad has never been one to say sorry and he's not been an easy person to live with ever. He's just shut himself away and because no-one is approaching him, he's not trying. Probably from shame and guilt, but if I was him I'd be on my knees grovelling for forgiveness. From what I've heard, he doesn't think he will be charged, but how can we believe what they say anymore?
I don't want to let him back into my life at all until I know what the next step is. Tbh I don't know if I want to see him ever again. Or do I, I don't know? My head is so confused.
I have to say each day gets a little easier and perhaps for me because I'm not living there I can pretend I'm okay.
It is on one hand reassuring we are not alone, but on the other sickening at how even the men closest to us can't be trusted. It doesn't surprise me that a lot of it spirals from addictions or childhood trauma, but I dont buy the excuses - it's still a choice. And now because of their choice they have created secondary victims. Their own selfish messed up brains have damaged us all.
This is honestly my worst nightmare.
I'm trying not to think about birthdays and Christmas because I find that's what makes my heart ache the most. It will never be the same whatever the outcome.
Thinking of you and your family x
Hi my dad was arrested too it's coming upto 2 years he's just had a second interview and so I know know he's going to court. Just no idea when!
For a bit of background I'm in my 40's and live away from the area with my family and 2 daughters of my own.
We were very close going on holidays etc together staying at each others houses during the holidays but obviously all of that stopped after 'the knock'.
I haven't told my kids anything at all apart from Nan and grandad have fell out and we're supporting Nan.
But as you say it's still my dad and even though it's utterly unbelievable he's done this, I still love him and don't want anything bad to happen. It's such a juxtaposition to be in knowing what he's done and knowing who he is to me.
Dad said he was blackmailed initially to send stuff but I don't know, he said did what he did for about 4 months then when the initial "blackmailer" got arrested he stopped, 6 months later he got the knock.
I don't know what to believe, I believe he should have reported it to the police straight away and the fact that he didn't, he should be punished I.e he did the crime...
So by the looks of things it's still a long road ahead and like you I don't want to know too much about it all.
However he knows he can call me if he needs me. And that's where we are now. Keep on keeping on :(
For a bit of background I'm in my 40's and live away from the area with my family and 2 daughters of my own.
We were very close going on holidays etc together staying at each others houses during the holidays but obviously all of that stopped after 'the knock'.
I haven't told my kids anything at all apart from Nan and grandad have fell out and we're supporting Nan.
But as you say it's still my dad and even though it's utterly unbelievable he's done this, I still love him and don't want anything bad to happen. It's such a juxtaposition to be in knowing what he's done and knowing who he is to me.
Dad said he was blackmailed initially to send stuff but I don't know, he said did what he did for about 4 months then when the initial "blackmailer" got arrested he stopped, 6 months later he got the knock.
I don't know what to believe, I believe he should have reported it to the police straight away and the fact that he didn't, he should be punished I.e he did the crime...
So by the looks of things it's still a long road ahead and like you I don't want to know too much about it all.
However he knows he can call me if he needs me. And that's where we are now. Keep on keeping on :(