I just don’t know what to do…
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Yesterday we had the knock and I was so confused and shocked.
i have been with my partner for over 2 years and throughout this time, he has been my best friend and supported me through dealing with my previous trauma and loss (dealing with some of the hardest topics... till now)
When he came back, he told me about what happened. He said it was from a porn addiction he had when he was in a bad place about 7 years ago. It's photos, with no communication or intent of anything else.
He has been answering all my questions and doesn't want to hide anything from me.
Because of the low severity, I know this it going to take a long time and then being added SOR afterwards will make this last a long time!
i don't know if i can do this. It was before our time together, but what if that's a lie?
i feel like i can't trust the man who has been there for so much sadness and pain from me (taking care of me after multiple surgeries)
what do I do, what do I ask?
It's all so fresh and I'm sure I'm still in shock, but I can't think of what's best to do.
Any advice?
i have been with my partner for over 2 years and throughout this time, he has been my best friend and supported me through dealing with my previous trauma and loss (dealing with some of the hardest topics... till now)
When he came back, he told me about what happened. He said it was from a porn addiction he had when he was in a bad place about 7 years ago. It's photos, with no communication or intent of anything else.
He has been answering all my questions and doesn't want to hide anything from me.
Because of the low severity, I know this it going to take a long time and then being added SOR afterwards will make this last a long time!
i don't know if i can do this. It was before our time together, but what if that's a lie?
i feel like i can't trust the man who has been there for so much sadness and pain from me (taking care of me after multiple surgeries)
what do I do, what do I ask?
It's all so fresh and I'm sure I'm still in shock, but I can't think of what's best to do.
Any advice?
Hi Tired (I'm sure lots of us can relate to your screen name!), I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you've done the right thing to post and seek support. We're here for you.
The first few days after the knock and arrest are so horrendous. You probably are in shock as you're trying to make sense of the actuality of what your partner has done, whilst still loving them and wanting to understand why, and being scared of the future. All you can really do is keep talking to each other and try not to think of the future too much yet. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Take it one day at a time and dont make any decisions yet. This will probably be a long process and thoughts and feelings take time to settle a bit to make clear choices. Call the helpline, they're really good. Post on here as often as you need to. For me, it's helped to try and understand why by reading various articles and websites. There's a good thread in the Understanding Why section on here about low self esteem. This is also a good website -
https://theknock.club/
They have an article about porn addiction and how it can lead to more extreme, illegal and horrendous content. I've also read into the judicial system and the basics of the process, to help prepare me for the longevity of it all.
I'd also say if you have someone close who you know you can trust implicitly and will give you non judgemental support, speak to them. Its such a big thing to keep inside and it just eats away at you. Just keep that circle of support to a minimum. I've told 4 of my close friends, which I now regret, but I was so fragile when I saw them I couldn't keep it all in. But I know I can trust them with my life.
Eat when you can, and sleep when you can. It'll all get a bit easier over time, but be prepared to be on a rollercoaster for a while. I hope that helps xx
The first few days after the knock and arrest are so horrendous. You probably are in shock as you're trying to make sense of the actuality of what your partner has done, whilst still loving them and wanting to understand why, and being scared of the future. All you can really do is keep talking to each other and try not to think of the future too much yet. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Take it one day at a time and dont make any decisions yet. This will probably be a long process and thoughts and feelings take time to settle a bit to make clear choices. Call the helpline, they're really good. Post on here as often as you need to. For me, it's helped to try and understand why by reading various articles and websites. There's a good thread in the Understanding Why section on here about low self esteem. This is also a good website -
https://theknock.club/
They have an article about porn addiction and how it can lead to more extreme, illegal and horrendous content. I've also read into the judicial system and the basics of the process, to help prepare me for the longevity of it all.
I'd also say if you have someone close who you know you can trust implicitly and will give you non judgemental support, speak to them. Its such a big thing to keep inside and it just eats away at you. Just keep that circle of support to a minimum. I've told 4 of my close friends, which I now regret, but I was so fragile when I saw them I couldn't keep it all in. But I know I can trust them with my life.
Eat when you can, and sleep when you can. It'll all get a bit easier over time, but be prepared to be on a rollercoaster for a while. I hope that helps xx
Thank you Poppet.
i really appreciate you writing back to me. It's difficult not to feel alone, but this has already helped me see that there are others who understand.
im going to have a look into the pieces you mentioned, but I'm going to give myself that space as well.
We've been talking about it and had a big talk this morning about how he got here and how it's effected me. It was horrible, but at least we're talking.
I'm definitely still in shock, but I'm trying to not force myself to act right now.
just take it day by day for now.
thank you for helping me not feel alone x
i really appreciate you writing back to me. It's difficult not to feel alone, but this has already helped me see that there are others who understand.
im going to have a look into the pieces you mentioned, but I'm going to give myself that space as well.
We've been talking about it and had a big talk this morning about how he got here and how it's effected me. It was horrible, but at least we're talking.
I'm definitely still in shock, but I'm trying to not force myself to act right now.
just take it day by day for now.
thank you for helping me not feel alone x
You're so welcome. I'm just over 2 months into this so it's all still so fresh for me too. Feel free to private message me if you need to, I'm happy to try and help, or even just lend an ear. X
I'm at the end of the legal process with my OH, although my decision on how to move forward hasn't been made yet so I'm like you in that respect. The best advice I can give is that you do not need to rush into any decisions as it is life changing, and just as importantly, any decision you do make can be reversed (as our feelings change each hour/day!).
I also just wanted to say thank you to Poppet for the link to The Knock Club - I didn't know about that and it seems helpful.
I also just wanted to say thank you to Poppet for the link to The Knock Club - I didn't know about that and it seems helpful.
Thank you conflicted.
I appreciate the message. If you don't mind me asking, I have seen a lot of people post about how long this process lasts, how long did your OH have to wait?
I agree, I change my mind so regularly. It's hard to know what I'm thinking as we talk. I've definitely realised that rushing isn't the way forward.
thank you
I appreciate the message. If you don't mind me asking, I have seen a lot of people post about how long this process lasts, how long did your OH have to wait?
I agree, I change my mind so regularly. It's hard to know what I'm thinking as we talk. I've definitely realised that rushing isn't the way forward.
thank you
@poppet thank you for the link to the knock club. Very interesting to read that the non offending partner gets forgotten about and gets scrutinised. Exactly how I feel! X