Their shame is not ours and a happier world is out there.
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I've sat down to write this so many times and never quite know how to start. So today I am just going to allow myself to type and not over think it.
This time 8 years ago, i was living a happy, blissful life with a man who I loved and adored. We travelled the world together, worked hard, spent time decorating our home and planned for the future looking to adopt (I was told a few years previously that I could never conceive naturally or via IVF).
Then came the knock. A sound that I will never forget. At 6.30am you certainly know it's not the postman.
I don't need to describe how the next few hours played out or how police searching our home made me feel as I know that everyone reading this knows exactly what it's like, but I want to come on here to talk about the time after my husband returned home after being arrested.
I remember the poilice phoning and asking if he was able to return home - As much as I didn't want to see him, he cerainly had a lot of my questions to answer.
I was told he was going to be released within the next 15 minutes, so I calculated that he should be home within 45 minutes.
3 hours later he still wasn't home and just before 4 hours later he returned stinking of beer and cigarettes - He didn't even smoke.
I barely recognised the man that walked through the door, a shadow of his former self and totally broken. Yet as soon as he sat down he began speaking and didn't stop. He admitted he had been waiting for this day to come for years and that he was releaved that it had come as he truly believed that this was the day that was finally going to make him stop looking at the online content he had been looking at.
When he finished talking, I took my wedding ring off and told him there and then that our marriage was over. All the love I had for my husband completely drainied from me as soon as he brought the police to our door. There wasn't even one part of me that ever questioned remaining with him. After hearing the level of secrecy he went to and deceit involved in viewing and storing photos (and no doubt videos) on his phone and laptop, I knew the man I loved wasn't the man who he actually was.
I insisted he phoned his parents who fortunately lived miles away and ask them to pick him up as we were having marriage problems, lets face it, that wasn't a lie. That night, I then had to stop him taking his own life. As much as our marriage was firmly over, I wasn't going to live with turning a blind eye to him ending it all, and he had to face what was coming to him with regards to the police. He owed it to all those children who he had images off to face this head on.
His parents came the next day and that was the last time I ever saw him. They returned to the house a month later to pack up all his belongings and move out his furniture but I stayed firmly away.
During that month I had started divorce proceedings, started seeing a private counsellor and started the horrendous and incredibly hard task of going through my list of people to tell about what had happpened.
My finances had taken a huge hit, I was suddently having to pay the mortgage and bills myself, and my counsellor wasn't cheap, but was the best money I have ever spent, albeit with each session I was getting more into debt, but mentally so much stronger.
8 years later I am finally beginning to get out of the huge financial hole that my ex husband left me in, I have no savings and finally just about to pay of my final maxed out credit card, but it's all been worth it, to no longet have him in my world.
When I first started telling my family and friends about the man my ex hasband was revealed to be the story would take atleast 6 hours, and would involve a lot of tears, pain, silent periods, heart ache and wine - Lots of it.
Now, I can tell people within about couple of minutes, although as the years pass I find myself having to tell the story less and less.
I had no doubt or worry telling friends or family, I didn't find it easy, but his shame and his actions were not and never will be my shame, and I was not going to allow him to put that on me. My ex husband was well liked amongst my friends and family, so there was a lot of shock, anger and emotions, but there was a lof of love and support for me.
For anyone reading this, please rememeber that your partners actions and their shame, is not yours. You do not need to carry their load. Their actions are no reflection of you as a person and you deserve better, but more importantly those children who people like my ex husband fulled the demad for images for, deserve better than us listening to the excuse after excuse that men like my husband come out with the justify their behaviour and actions.
If I'm honest I have stayed off this forum for a long time as I find it hard when I read so many peoples struggles in choosing to keep their partners actions a secret. As the secret is a huge burden on you that you never asked for. I can't imagine the immense pressure that brings. This is a life that you never asked for.
I have spoken to LFF on more than one occassion asking why they don't have a forum topic about 'leaving' and supporting those more who do choose to start life again, as that too is immendly hard, yet for some reason and I can't understand why, this request is never fulfilled.
So for those choosing to leave or unsure at the moment, please take it from me, 8 years later I have a new parter, life is wonderful and by a mirale our own child! The doctors couldn't believe it when I got pregnant after all the years I was with my ex husband I was told I would never naturally conceive and not to even bother with IVF as my egg quality was too poor. My own little miracle happened and life is good.
8 years ago today I was laying in emotional pain on my bedroom floor so broken I didn't think I'd see my next birthday and I had to dig deeper than ever before, but all the pain, all the heart ache, all the financial debt has been worth it to have a free and happy life away from a man who I once called my husband.
This time 8 years ago, i was living a happy, blissful life with a man who I loved and adored. We travelled the world together, worked hard, spent time decorating our home and planned for the future looking to adopt (I was told a few years previously that I could never conceive naturally or via IVF).
Then came the knock. A sound that I will never forget. At 6.30am you certainly know it's not the postman.
I don't need to describe how the next few hours played out or how police searching our home made me feel as I know that everyone reading this knows exactly what it's like, but I want to come on here to talk about the time after my husband returned home after being arrested.
I remember the poilice phoning and asking if he was able to return home - As much as I didn't want to see him, he cerainly had a lot of my questions to answer.
I was told he was going to be released within the next 15 minutes, so I calculated that he should be home within 45 minutes.
3 hours later he still wasn't home and just before 4 hours later he returned stinking of beer and cigarettes - He didn't even smoke.
I barely recognised the man that walked through the door, a shadow of his former self and totally broken. Yet as soon as he sat down he began speaking and didn't stop. He admitted he had been waiting for this day to come for years and that he was releaved that it had come as he truly believed that this was the day that was finally going to make him stop looking at the online content he had been looking at.
When he finished talking, I took my wedding ring off and told him there and then that our marriage was over. All the love I had for my husband completely drainied from me as soon as he brought the police to our door. There wasn't even one part of me that ever questioned remaining with him. After hearing the level of secrecy he went to and deceit involved in viewing and storing photos (and no doubt videos) on his phone and laptop, I knew the man I loved wasn't the man who he actually was.
I insisted he phoned his parents who fortunately lived miles away and ask them to pick him up as we were having marriage problems, lets face it, that wasn't a lie. That night, I then had to stop him taking his own life. As much as our marriage was firmly over, I wasn't going to live with turning a blind eye to him ending it all, and he had to face what was coming to him with regards to the police. He owed it to all those children who he had images off to face this head on.
His parents came the next day and that was the last time I ever saw him. They returned to the house a month later to pack up all his belongings and move out his furniture but I stayed firmly away.
During that month I had started divorce proceedings, started seeing a private counsellor and started the horrendous and incredibly hard task of going through my list of people to tell about what had happpened.
My finances had taken a huge hit, I was suddently having to pay the mortgage and bills myself, and my counsellor wasn't cheap, but was the best money I have ever spent, albeit with each session I was getting more into debt, but mentally so much stronger.
8 years later I am finally beginning to get out of the huge financial hole that my ex husband left me in, I have no savings and finally just about to pay of my final maxed out credit card, but it's all been worth it, to no longet have him in my world.
When I first started telling my family and friends about the man my ex hasband was revealed to be the story would take atleast 6 hours, and would involve a lot of tears, pain, silent periods, heart ache and wine - Lots of it.
Now, I can tell people within about couple of minutes, although as the years pass I find myself having to tell the story less and less.
I had no doubt or worry telling friends or family, I didn't find it easy, but his shame and his actions were not and never will be my shame, and I was not going to allow him to put that on me. My ex husband was well liked amongst my friends and family, so there was a lot of shock, anger and emotions, but there was a lof of love and support for me.
For anyone reading this, please rememeber that your partners actions and their shame, is not yours. You do not need to carry their load. Their actions are no reflection of you as a person and you deserve better, but more importantly those children who people like my ex husband fulled the demad for images for, deserve better than us listening to the excuse after excuse that men like my husband come out with the justify their behaviour and actions.
If I'm honest I have stayed off this forum for a long time as I find it hard when I read so many peoples struggles in choosing to keep their partners actions a secret. As the secret is a huge burden on you that you never asked for. I can't imagine the immense pressure that brings. This is a life that you never asked for.
I have spoken to LFF on more than one occassion asking why they don't have a forum topic about 'leaving' and supporting those more who do choose to start life again, as that too is immendly hard, yet for some reason and I can't understand why, this request is never fulfilled.
So for those choosing to leave or unsure at the moment, please take it from me, 8 years later I have a new parter, life is wonderful and by a mirale our own child! The doctors couldn't believe it when I got pregnant after all the years I was with my ex husband I was told I would never naturally conceive and not to even bother with IVF as my egg quality was too poor. My own little miracle happened and life is good.
8 years ago today I was laying in emotional pain on my bedroom floor so broken I didn't think I'd see my next birthday and I had to dig deeper than ever before, but all the pain, all the heart ache, all the financial debt has been worth it to have a free and happy life away from a man who I once called my husband.
Thank you for your post. Congratulations on your little miracle. You're so right about leaving being immensely hard too. Hopefully the need for this section will be met soon xxx
A lot of us don't get the luxury of keeping it to ourselves because it's ended up plastered across FB and the press. I take it you didn't face that trauma?
Im glad things are good for you now.
Im glad things are good for you now.
I'm so in awe of your strength. I know how hard it's been for you to get to the stage you're at, but you've got there. Your story gives out so much hope for those of us struggling with the decision to stay or leave. Thankyou so much for posting. And huge congratulations on your child! What a beautiful thing to come out of such heartbreak.
I've told just 4 close friends the whole truth. I wish I hadn't told so many, but when I did, I was too fragile and vulnerable to keep it all in. I've even told my nail tech part of the story (the unhealthy relationship with legal porn and me and my husband not having sex for 6 years). She doesn't know my husband and has never met him, so isnt influenced by how lovely he is (apart from his dirty secret), and she's given me some invaluable advice and things to think about. I've been thinking about it all afternoon, and I've realised a pattern of behaviour in me. And I've realised that's it's about time I advocated for myself, rather than for broken people, or people I don't know, or people I think I can fix. I still haven't decided fully what to do, and want to wait till I've done the Inform course, but I'm feeling braver if I make the decision to leave the marriage. You're an inspiration, thankyou xx
I've told just 4 close friends the whole truth. I wish I hadn't told so many, but when I did, I was too fragile and vulnerable to keep it all in. I've even told my nail tech part of the story (the unhealthy relationship with legal porn and me and my husband not having sex for 6 years). She doesn't know my husband and has never met him, so isnt influenced by how lovely he is (apart from his dirty secret), and she's given me some invaluable advice and things to think about. I've been thinking about it all afternoon, and I've realised a pattern of behaviour in me. And I've realised that's it's about time I advocated for myself, rather than for broken people, or people I don't know, or people I think I can fix. I still haven't decided fully what to do, and want to wait till I've done the Inform course, but I'm feeling braver if I make the decision to leave the marriage. You're an inspiration, thankyou xx
@DistressedandPregnant Thank you for taking the time to reply, that means a lot.
@LittleRobin3, I wouldn't call it a luxury keeping someone else's shame and actions to myself. I lived in fear every day of his case making the press due to the nature of his job and my house being targeted especially as I was then living there by myself. It was therefore important to me to be able to tell people first before they found out from other sources and /or gossip... also it enabled me to have a support system in place.
@Poppet well done for for taking those brave steps in talking and opening up. Sounds like your nail tech is a wonderful person and I'm glad she's been able to give you things to think about. Honestly these nail techs must hear it all! Nothing probably shocks them now! Sometimes it is easier talking to those who never knew your partner. Keep taking it a day at a time and you'll know when you feel ready to tell more people. Sending you lots of strength for the weeks and months ahead and remember, happier days really are coming, it's just so painfully hard to see whilst your on the journey to get there.
@LittleRobin3, I wouldn't call it a luxury keeping someone else's shame and actions to myself. I lived in fear every day of his case making the press due to the nature of his job and my house being targeted especially as I was then living there by myself. It was therefore important to me to be able to tell people first before they found out from other sources and /or gossip... also it enabled me to have a support system in place.
@Poppet well done for for taking those brave steps in talking and opening up. Sounds like your nail tech is a wonderful person and I'm glad she's been able to give you things to think about. Honestly these nail techs must hear it all! Nothing probably shocks them now! Sometimes it is easier talking to those who never knew your partner. Keep taking it a day at a time and you'll know when you feel ready to tell more people. Sending you lots of strength for the weeks and months ahead and remember, happier days really are coming, it's just so painfully hard to see whilst your on the journey to get there.
I meant that you had a choice whether to tell people or not. I didn't, that's why I see that as a "luxury ". The press and the Police FB reporting of the case was the absolute worst aspect of all this for my children and I.
Thank you for your story HappyYellow and it's so nice to hear the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Unfortunately some who leave can't properly leave and have to keep this shameful secret to protect our children stuck in the middle of this. We protect them from physical harm with family plans and supervision encouraged by social services, but there is absolutely nothing to protect them from the offenders shame and impact of other people. I don't keep my ex's secrete to protect him. If I didn't have a child who loves him dearly I would have left the area completely and told my nearest and dearest why. But I can't have that coming back on my child. It's not their fault; I need to protect them from the bullying, the cruel opinions and actions of others. They too are a child and should not be a victim of their fathers wrongdoing. They shouldn't have to worry about what people will say about their dad and why people might want to harm him, or not be their friend because of it. They shouldn't have to defend him or explain his actions or why they still love him. Thats unfair and very damaging to a child. So that's why I hide this horrific secret. To protect my child, I couldn't protect those online because I didn't know about it but im going to protect mine and keep them safe and happy even if it means carrying this awful secret and the burden that comes with it.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and it's great to hear how positive your life has become after these 8 long years.
It's also great to hear that you have no regrets about leaving your husband when you did. I imagine there are just as many people who do not regret staying with their OH, despite how difficult that road may be. Some people choose to stay with their partners because they see them as more than their offences. Others choose to leave because they can't see past that. Some people make the decisions quickly, others don't.
I think it is a very personal choice and decision. If there was a forum section on leaving, I would also hope there would also be one for staying and one for undecided for balance.
It's also great to hear that you have no regrets about leaving your husband when you did. I imagine there are just as many people who do not regret staying with their OH, despite how difficult that road may be. Some people choose to stay with their partners because they see them as more than their offences. Others choose to leave because they can't see past that. Some people make the decisions quickly, others don't.
I think it is a very personal choice and decision. If there was a forum section on leaving, I would also hope there would also be one for staying and one for undecided for balance.
Happy Yellow, congratulations on the birth of your little miracle x.
Little Robin, I totally understand what you went through......my OH was all over FB, Police and newspapers. I too had my house targeted and police put a marker on it. I have since moved to another area, I don't know anyone here and my family and friends have all turned their back on me because I went back to OH after leaving him.
I thought I had made a friend via a FB group for women in my local area. After chatting for a couple of weeks, we met up for coffee. All was good, we had a nice day. The next day, she messaged me to say she wasn't comfortable being my friend. When I asked what had happened, she told me she had been looking at my profile on FB and noticed a photo of me with a man couple of years ago. Put it his name in Google and read everything about his case!! I was mortified, so now I've left the group in case she tells anyone else.
Its like this is the gift that keeps on giving!!!
Little Robin, I totally understand what you went through......my OH was all over FB, Police and newspapers. I too had my house targeted and police put a marker on it. I have since moved to another area, I don't know anyone here and my family and friends have all turned their back on me because I went back to OH after leaving him.
I thought I had made a friend via a FB group for women in my local area. After chatting for a couple of weeks, we met up for coffee. All was good, we had a nice day. The next day, she messaged me to say she wasn't comfortable being my friend. When I asked what had happened, she told me she had been looking at my profile on FB and noticed a photo of me with a man couple of years ago. Put it his name in Google and read everything about his case!! I was mortified, so now I've left the group in case she tells anyone else.
Its like this is the gift that keeps on giving!!!