OIC expects to refer to CPS by early June
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Hi all. Hugs and love to all. I'm really struggling right now having put myself through the hell of a week on holiday with my (still technically) husband and (very much beloved) kids, for their sakes. Biting my tongue and suppressing my feelings and inevitably I had a complete breakdown when I got back yesterday.
Slowly starting to rebuild and steady myself but I'm exhausted and troubled by weird symptoms of stress like occasional double vision,word finding difficulties, falling over a lot, jaw and ear cramps and fizzing skin.
Then the OIC replies to an email I sent in early March asking for an update. He's been reviewing the device downloads on his night shifts this past week and will continue next week. He expects to refer the matter to CPS before bail expires on 03.06.25.
A few things he said:
- if there's nothing unexpected on the devices, there may not need to be a second interview. Has anyone else's person not had a second interview?
- he'll try to 'push against' there being press attention if he can. Has anyone's OIC said that and kept their word? He also said press / publicity is 'unlikely' but I'm not sure why, based on my husband's apparently honest account to me of what he got up to online.
I've got this horrible feeling that they won't find what is somewhere 'out there' on Snapchat or Kik or wherever. He's very tech savvy, what if he wiped his phone or something?
I don't want my husband to go to prison but I think I'd feel let down if he just got a caution. It would feel like he's got away with it and the world would move on and I'd be the only person bearing witness to his appalling online behaviour with vulnerable girls and women.
I'm quite panic stricken at the thought of him getting away with it. Is that normal?
Slowly starting to rebuild and steady myself but I'm exhausted and troubled by weird symptoms of stress like occasional double vision,word finding difficulties, falling over a lot, jaw and ear cramps and fizzing skin.
Then the OIC replies to an email I sent in early March asking for an update. He's been reviewing the device downloads on his night shifts this past week and will continue next week. He expects to refer the matter to CPS before bail expires on 03.06.25.
A few things he said:
- if there's nothing unexpected on the devices, there may not need to be a second interview. Has anyone else's person not had a second interview?
- he'll try to 'push against' there being press attention if he can. Has anyone's OIC said that and kept their word? He also said press / publicity is 'unlikely' but I'm not sure why, based on my husband's apparently honest account to me of what he got up to online.
I've got this horrible feeling that they won't find what is somewhere 'out there' on Snapchat or Kik or wherever. He's very tech savvy, what if he wiped his phone or something?
I don't want my husband to go to prison but I think I'd feel let down if he just got a caution. It would feel like he's got away with it and the world would move on and I'd be the only person bearing witness to his appalling online behaviour with vulnerable girls and women.
I'm quite panic stricken at the thought of him getting away with it. Is that normal?
I just want to say you're not alone in having cognitive symptoms and actually they are a real symptom of stress, PTSD or trauma. I have been worried as I've experienced word finding difficulties, memory problems, slower processing speed, hyper vigilance, brain fog, attention problems, problems writing and reading for meaning and inability to be as organised. These are what we call executive functions attention, memory etc. and often when our body is pushed into fight or flight mode by trauma, it increases our cortisol levels which tell our brain to shut down any functions that are surplus to survival. When the knock came I lost my voice for about 3 weeks this is the body protecting it's airway, my memory etc was worse and I was in a state of constant hyper vigilance. Your jaw is likely due to muscle tension or teeth grinding at night causing TMJ both of which are exacerbated by stress.
This did eventually get better however it's is sentencing very soon for my ex and I have really struggled for the past week again with my executive functions to the point I was googling early onset dementia but I then thought with it being court soon it's likely PTSD related.
However that being said it is always important to mention these changes to your GP as they can be due to cognitive impairments caused by neurological conditions/stroke/TBI.
This did eventually get better however it's is sentencing very soon for my ex and I have really struggled for the past week again with my executive functions to the point I was googling early onset dementia but I then thought with it being court soon it's likely PTSD related.
However that being said it is always important to mention these changes to your GP as they can be due to cognitive impairments caused by neurological conditions/stroke/TBI.
Oh darling I'm so sorry to hear it. That's just how it feels - I keep thinking I've got a head injury or dementia then I remember what I'm going through. I just hope when my beautiful daughters are older they see how hard I was working to keep the ship upright when their dad burnt everything down.
the first 3 weeks after the knock my lips swelled up and my mouth was full of canker sores. I couldn't swallow properly. Then at the 3 week mark I went into shock and was completely violently shaking and screaming.
Yesterday I asked a friend to come over as I was just hysterical, and she basically held le while I howled and drooled uncontrollably.
I feel so violated, diminished, shrunken, limited, bitter and angry. 10.5 months in :(
im having regular sessions with a clinical psychologist but they're quite spread out as im trying to ration my allowance under the insurers' current pre-approved level
I'll need to ask for more sessions once we're at charge / plea / sentencing.
What are you expecting sentencing wise? You are so articulate and clearly a very wise woman. Sending hugs xx
the first 3 weeks after the knock my lips swelled up and my mouth was full of canker sores. I couldn't swallow properly. Then at the 3 week mark I went into shock and was completely violently shaking and screaming.
Yesterday I asked a friend to come over as I was just hysterical, and she basically held le while I howled and drooled uncontrollably.
I feel so violated, diminished, shrunken, limited, bitter and angry. 10.5 months in :(
im having regular sessions with a clinical psychologist but they're quite spread out as im trying to ration my allowance under the insurers' current pre-approved level
I'll need to ask for more sessions once we're at charge / plea / sentencing.
What are you expecting sentencing wise? You are so articulate and clearly a very wise woman. Sending hugs xx
Thankyou, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to survive sometimes we need to let it all out. although I often feel my brain power is limited by all of this, today I've been in the garden with my little ones in the sun and felt some of that lift. I feel exactly the same I'm so angry that he threw our life away, and clearly saw no value in my life or future or that of our children, he was happy to risk destroying all that as long as his needs were satisfied. I feel jealous when I see couples and families as I had built it all and it was destroyed, completely out of my hands. Somebody else made the decisions which have altered the course of my future it's maddening.
To be honest I have no idea what sentence he'll get as mainly it's been advised that it's unlikely to be custodial but because there were lots of images across all categories it reaches the custody threshold so will at the least be a suspended sentence. I think the unknown in all this is the absolute worst thing, I lost huge chunks of my hair about 6 months in and had bald spots all over my head, apparently it takes 6 months for the stress hormones to show through your hair because of the cycle of hair loss, I lost about 4 stone in weight and all the while trying to carry on working full time, no support system and being a mum to our children. It's just horrific and I actually feel the men get off a lot lighter than we do despite the fact it's their crime. I'm facing financial ruin if he does go to prison it's so scary....Anyway just a rant from me. I always think now I can't control any of this but I can control how I react to it and trying to keep my poor children's life as stable as I can xx
To be honest I have no idea what sentence he'll get as mainly it's been advised that it's unlikely to be custodial but because there were lots of images across all categories it reaches the custody threshold so will at the least be a suspended sentence. I think the unknown in all this is the absolute worst thing, I lost huge chunks of my hair about 6 months in and had bald spots all over my head, apparently it takes 6 months for the stress hormones to show through your hair because of the cycle of hair loss, I lost about 4 stone in weight and all the while trying to carry on working full time, no support system and being a mum to our children. It's just horrific and I actually feel the men get off a lot lighter than we do despite the fact it's their crime. I'm facing financial ruin if he does go to prison it's so scary....Anyway just a rant from me. I always think now I can't control any of this but I can control how I react to it and trying to keep my poor children's life as stable as I can xx
Hi, in MY experience, the Police, SS's etc will say anything to placate. It means less work for them. If your persons case ends up in court, anything said there can be reported unless there are extremely exceptional circumstances. Best thing you can do is hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Obviously I don't know what your persons charges will be but my now ex went to prison for downloading ie "making" IIOC. The shock was horrendous and I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD as a result. I've only just managed to get NHS "support" 8+ years on. If I were you, I'd get to your GP asap and hopefully they can help sooner rather than later because I've ended up living in my bedroom, afraid of anything outside of that. Wishing you all the very best. By the way, I couldn't have gone on holiday like you've just done. That shows a HUGE amount of guts and courage but I hear you when you say it took a huge toll. X
Hi,
I hope things get better for you and you can start to heal.
I am also not aware of what the full circumstances are so would not like to say it won't be, however there are few exceptions and unfortunatly a case that is in court can be reported on. I am not sure why a police officer would suggest otherwise. From what I am aware, they will frequently report such cases themselves through their own social media in an attempt to show their own success stories. We were advised as my sons case had not been reported at any stage to expect the same when sentenced. The following day it was in the press and reported by the journalist in attendance on the day.
xx
I hope things get better for you and you can start to heal.
I am also not aware of what the full circumstances are so would not like to say it won't be, however there are few exceptions and unfortunatly a case that is in court can be reported on. I am not sure why a police officer would suggest otherwise. From what I am aware, they will frequently report such cases themselves through their own social media in an attempt to show their own success stories. We were advised as my sons case had not been reported at any stage to expect the same when sentenced. The following day it was in the press and reported by the journalist in attendance on the day.
xx
Sorry it's so awful right now. You've had some lovely (and hopefully) reassuring posts which I really hope have helped.
I don't have much to add, it's such a weird, complicated, f**ked up place to be isn't it?
In my sleep deprived weird state, I keep hearing the slightly robotic Talking Heads lyrics 'well, how did I get here' in my head...
Often I fantasise about taking a load of plates to somewhere and smashing them to bits. Not sure it would help beyond the immediate moment but I think I'd find it a bit helpful. I'm SO angry.
Your holiday was such a lovely thing for you to do for your children, but I'm not surprised that it took it's toll. You're a warrior. A lovely, kind, thoughtful warrior. Allow yourself time to recover from it X x
I don't have much to add, it's such a weird, complicated, f**ked up place to be isn't it?
In my sleep deprived weird state, I keep hearing the slightly robotic Talking Heads lyrics 'well, how did I get here' in my head...
Often I fantasise about taking a load of plates to somewhere and smashing them to bits. Not sure it would help beyond the immediate moment but I think I'd find it a bit helpful. I'm SO angry.
Your holiday was such a lovely thing for you to do for your children, but I'm not surprised that it took it's toll. You're a warrior. A lovely, kind, thoughtful warrior. Allow yourself time to recover from it X x
Thank you to those who've said I'm brave / courageous taking my kids on holiday with their dad. I really appreciate it. I just felt like a useless wreck the whole time as I was so on edge (a) constantly supervising (we don't live together anymore for this reason) and (b) smoothing over interactions where his (recently diagnosed but in hindsight so obvious) autism and lack of empathy caused huge upset with the kids and i had to intervene to divert / distract. I was walking on eggshells the whole time.
The ridiculous thing is I'm now seeing how he's always been like this and I was so blind to it. When I first knew him 24 years ago and was smitten with him, I thought he was cool / aloof / didn't give a F and that was so alluring. It turns out he just has zero empathy. There's a huge void there.
hes now on this journey of self discovery and is dispensing advice to me and the kids on how to live a good life. Oblivious to the fact that I was doing that for 22 years without realising it was built on sand and he was busy washing it all away.
Today I wrote a letter from my body to my brain and vice versa, which seemed to soothe things. My brain listed to my body the practical ways in which I have myself myself and the kids safe, so i can unclench my jaw and breathe. My body listed to my brain the ways on which it needs to be cosseted and cared for.
My husband was chatting literally anyone who'd engage, including underage girls, on Snapchat, Kik and god knows what else, since messaging apps became a thing. He was absolutely addicted (messaging and porn) but now talks about it as 'when I was ill' and 'when I was in my madness' rather than 'when I was being a dirty pervert talking to girls a year older than our eldest and sending them pictures of my todger'.
I feel like the language of addiction has allowed him to reframe it so he's the victim.
The ridiculous thing is I'm now seeing how he's always been like this and I was so blind to it. When I first knew him 24 years ago and was smitten with him, I thought he was cool / aloof / didn't give a F and that was so alluring. It turns out he just has zero empathy. There's a huge void there.
hes now on this journey of self discovery and is dispensing advice to me and the kids on how to live a good life. Oblivious to the fact that I was doing that for 22 years without realising it was built on sand and he was busy washing it all away.
Today I wrote a letter from my body to my brain and vice versa, which seemed to soothe things. My brain listed to my body the practical ways in which I have myself myself and the kids safe, so i can unclench my jaw and breathe. My body listed to my brain the ways on which it needs to be cosseted and cared for.
My husband was chatting literally anyone who'd engage, including underage girls, on Snapchat, Kik and god knows what else, since messaging apps became a thing. He was absolutely addicted (messaging and porn) but now talks about it as 'when I was ill' and 'when I was in my madness' rather than 'when I was being a dirty pervert talking to girls a year older than our eldest and sending them pictures of my todger'.
I feel like the language of addiction has allowed him to reframe it so he's the victim.
Starr about 3 months in I went out into the garden and smashed a load of old plant pots with a hammer. I'd been fantasising about it from the day of the knock. It was such a disappointment. I just made a mess and it didn't fix anything.
I'd love to do a Rage Room and just smash up a load of men's computers /phones / games consoles / private parts :D
I'd love to do a Rage Room and just smash up a load of men's computers /phones / games consoles / private parts :D
Lisa, maybe we should all go into business creating rage rooms for women in our situation. The confiscated devices, minus hard drives could be donated..we'd make a fortune. I'd want a session at least once a week!
I had realised the problem with smashing plates is that I'd need to clear it all up.
I made do with slamming the sh*t out of the car door this afternoon. No mess..a tiny bit of satisfaction.
I had realised the problem with smashing plates is that I'd need to clear it all up.
I made do with slamming the sh*t out of the car door this afternoon. No mess..a tiny bit of satisfaction.
Starr
There's a section at my local refuse centre (or the dump as I call it), where you can throw ceramics into a skip from quite a height. Its very very satisfying! No having to clear up either!
There's a section at my local refuse centre (or the dump as I call it), where you can throw ceramics into a skip from quite a height. Its very very satisfying! No having to clear up either!
Oh wow, thanks Little robin - I just investigated and apparently the dump near us has one too! I might give it a go
I talked to my psychologist yesterday about my weird neurological trauma symptoms, and she commented that if I only become unable to read, or parallel park, when I'm in a heightened state (ie with my husband) then it isn't a structural neurological problem, it's functional (ie attributable to extreme psychological / physiological stress). I'm trying to work on soothing techniques to avoid getting to a 7/10 which is when I start to fall apart. It's so hard. I feel so sad for all of us here xx
Starr,
About a year after the first knock, I moved abroad. I had to pack up a 4 bed house we'd lived in as a family for many years. I literally needed a team of friends to help take stuff to the dump and the absolute highlight was the crockery smashing, all of which was my job! It was great! I hope you get to do it! Just make sure you don't take any priceless heirlooms by mistake! X
About a year after the first knock, I moved abroad. I had to pack up a 4 bed house we'd lived in as a family for many years. I literally needed a team of friends to help take stuff to the dump and the absolute highlight was the crockery smashing, all of which was my job! It was great! I hope you get to do it! Just make sure you don't take any priceless heirlooms by mistake! X