My Story…
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Hello
This is my first post on this forum. I wanted to briefly share my story and ask a few questions. My story actually starts over 20 years ago when my dad was arrested. I and my brother were both in our early twenties. I’ll save the details but essentially the knock, the investigation, the prison term (about 6 months) and the devastating effects on our family. My parents divorced and whilst we tried to support and help our dad my brother and I have ultimately become estranged from him over the last 10+ years, mostly due to his reclusion from society. As you all know it’s a deep shameful secret our family has, and not many people know about it other than our very close partners. My husband is aware but none of my three teenage children know the real reason their grandfather has never been in their lives.
Fast forward to last weekend….. I got the call from my brother that history is repeating itself and he has been arrested for the same thing. I’m absolutely devastated and shocked. My brother and I are not super close but there has also been this shared bond and understanding of being there for one another, especially after the shared trauma of our experience with our dad. I’m so ashamed that the two men in my family that I grew up with have done this. I don’t yet know the details of my brother’s charges, he said he was chatting in rooms… I also don’t know exactly how long this has been going on. He doesn’t have children but was finally in a happy relationship after many years by himself. She is devastated and utterly shocked, and it turns out that my brother had never actually told her about our dad (they had been together for 5 years and I presumed she knew but never asked) My brother has struggled with depression and some social isolation in the past.
Right now I’m still processing and shocked…. Does anyone know or have any answers as to whether this can happen? Is my brother “wired” the same as my dad? Is there repressed trauma or something that can begin to explain this cycle?
I feel like I’ve regressed 20 years in processing and healing from the first offense…. I never have truly gotten over the loss of my relationship with my dad (he was very present and involved in my life until that happened). And now I have to go through it all again with the only other person that could truly relate to me.
Sorry for the long post…. It helps to begin to write and share.
Thanks
This is my first post on this forum. I wanted to briefly share my story and ask a few questions. My story actually starts over 20 years ago when my dad was arrested. I and my brother were both in our early twenties. I’ll save the details but essentially the knock, the investigation, the prison term (about 6 months) and the devastating effects on our family. My parents divorced and whilst we tried to support and help our dad my brother and I have ultimately become estranged from him over the last 10+ years, mostly due to his reclusion from society. As you all know it’s a deep shameful secret our family has, and not many people know about it other than our very close partners. My husband is aware but none of my three teenage children know the real reason their grandfather has never been in their lives.
Fast forward to last weekend….. I got the call from my brother that history is repeating itself and he has been arrested for the same thing. I’m absolutely devastated and shocked. My brother and I are not super close but there has also been this shared bond and understanding of being there for one another, especially after the shared trauma of our experience with our dad. I’m so ashamed that the two men in my family that I grew up with have done this. I don’t yet know the details of my brother’s charges, he said he was chatting in rooms… I also don’t know exactly how long this has been going on. He doesn’t have children but was finally in a happy relationship after many years by himself. She is devastated and utterly shocked, and it turns out that my brother had never actually told her about our dad (they had been together for 5 years and I presumed she knew but never asked) My brother has struggled with depression and some social isolation in the past.
Right now I’m still processing and shocked…. Does anyone know or have any answers as to whether this can happen? Is my brother “wired” the same as my dad? Is there repressed trauma or something that can begin to explain this cycle?
I feel like I’ve regressed 20 years in processing and healing from the first offense…. I never have truly gotten over the loss of my relationship with my dad (he was very present and involved in my life until that happened). And now I have to go through it all again with the only other person that could truly relate to me.
Sorry for the long post…. It helps to begin to write and share.
Thanks
I'm sorry you find yourself here, i don't have the same experience as you but have been interested in researching the underlying psychology of this since the knock. I'm not a psychologist so these are just theories based on academic material I've read.
Whilst this not a 'brain wiring' issue and there are no genetic physiological links, there are some potential psychological factors which increase the risk of offending based on experiencing the knock of a parent.
- Curiosity - it is possible that having heard what their dad has done, the relative becomes curious, and wonders how they could have possibly been so interested in the material and goes looking themselves.
-self fulfilling prophecy - if we believe that we are a product of something and we label it inevitable that we will do something or become something because of that belief then eventually our actions become directed towards 'proving' that self fulfilling prophecy e.g. if a child is labelled as naughty or bad enough times they begin to believe this, compounded by the fact everyone believes this is true they then engage in that behaviour as they feel their is no other choice and they now believe they are naughty or bad.
-Addictive personality- some believe that addictive personality is genetic however there is no basis for this evidence wise. Instead it's likely that having lived with a parents cycle of addictions and excuses they are essentially raised to believe that behaviour is normal as it is regularised by the addict and those around them. They are then more likely to develop addictions as they have been desensitised to this behaviour.
Some risk factors in the literature for viewing IIOC - white males, typically with a higher level of educational background, well paying job and in a long term relationship with a family.
This is by no means prescriptive have done some work looking into the academic literature on this. Although LFF have done a small study that cites addiction as a cause actually the broader literature and independently funded evidence based does not necessarily suggest this as the main cause.
Pathways and Prevention for Indecent Images of Children Offending: A Qualitative Study -- this is an interesting free study and if you scroll down to the data section contains quotes from the men interviewed about why and how they accessed IIOC.
Looking Beyond the Screen: A Critical Review of the Literature on the Online Child Pornography Offender - this is a literature review summarising the evidence based about viewing IIOC
Whilst this not a 'brain wiring' issue and there are no genetic physiological links, there are some potential psychological factors which increase the risk of offending based on experiencing the knock of a parent.
- Curiosity - it is possible that having heard what their dad has done, the relative becomes curious, and wonders how they could have possibly been so interested in the material and goes looking themselves.
-self fulfilling prophecy - if we believe that we are a product of something and we label it inevitable that we will do something or become something because of that belief then eventually our actions become directed towards 'proving' that self fulfilling prophecy e.g. if a child is labelled as naughty or bad enough times they begin to believe this, compounded by the fact everyone believes this is true they then engage in that behaviour as they feel their is no other choice and they now believe they are naughty or bad.
-Addictive personality- some believe that addictive personality is genetic however there is no basis for this evidence wise. Instead it's likely that having lived with a parents cycle of addictions and excuses they are essentially raised to believe that behaviour is normal as it is regularised by the addict and those around them. They are then more likely to develop addictions as they have been desensitised to this behaviour.
Some risk factors in the literature for viewing IIOC - white males, typically with a higher level of educational background, well paying job and in a long term relationship with a family.
This is by no means prescriptive have done some work looking into the academic literature on this. Although LFF have done a small study that cites addiction as a cause actually the broader literature and independently funded evidence based does not necessarily suggest this as the main cause.
Pathways and Prevention for Indecent Images of Children Offending: A Qualitative Study -- this is an interesting free study and if you scroll down to the data section contains quotes from the men interviewed about why and how they accessed IIOC.
Looking Beyond the Screen: A Critical Review of the Literature on the Online Child Pornography Offender - this is a literature review summarising the evidence based about viewing IIOC