How stupid are we!
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Oh dear drama, grandaughters 16th birthday today so she is having some friends over and they were going to have a get together & then sleep in a tent in the garden but one if her friends is in foster care and so the social did a check and have just come back today to her said she can't stay as someone in the house has a criminal record.
My grandaughter who is Autistic is now having a meltdown and my daughter doesn't know what to do. She told her she would drop her friends home at midnight or sleep in the tent with them but that hasn't pacified her. The issue is my grandson, he was sentenced about a month ago luckily even though he's now 20 it was still heard in the Juvenile court as he was 17 at the time. Luckily also no press because of the hearing taking place there so noone outside of immediate family are aware of it.
Daughter said that no one has told them under 18's are not allowed in the house and obviously grandaughter wants friends to visit. Now grandaughter has had a meltdown and is in a foul mood and there is no getting around her when she is like that, it also means that her friends will probably talk amongst themselves and speculate about the criminal record issue and it get back to their parents. Grandson is working until late this evening and so I said to daughter he could come and stay here for the night not realising that he has to give three days notice if he's staying elsewhere. You naively think things are over and everyone is starting to rebuild their lives and stupidly don't think of all the consequences until they hit you.
Now thinking about it was was an absolutely stupid idea to think about having under 18's stay over and it should have entered someone's mind but it didn't I guess because we dont look at grandson as truely being a criminal but feel because of circumstances it was a stupid one off teenage thing rather than the lad being that way inclined but we have to realise that how he is now seen. Now poor daughter is trying to deal with an overwhelmed and disappointed 16 year old and keep a lid on the situation. It makes me feel helpless when daughter phones me upset and I have no answers to help her and once again as I have so many times over these past nightmarish 3 years since the knock I'm sat her feeling worried. Now what should have been a lovely day is spoilt.
My grandaughter who is Autistic is now having a meltdown and my daughter doesn't know what to do. She told her she would drop her friends home at midnight or sleep in the tent with them but that hasn't pacified her. The issue is my grandson, he was sentenced about a month ago luckily even though he's now 20 it was still heard in the Juvenile court as he was 17 at the time. Luckily also no press because of the hearing taking place there so noone outside of immediate family are aware of it.
Daughter said that no one has told them under 18's are not allowed in the house and obviously grandaughter wants friends to visit. Now grandaughter has had a meltdown and is in a foul mood and there is no getting around her when she is like that, it also means that her friends will probably talk amongst themselves and speculate about the criminal record issue and it get back to their parents. Grandson is working until late this evening and so I said to daughter he could come and stay here for the night not realising that he has to give three days notice if he's staying elsewhere. You naively think things are over and everyone is starting to rebuild their lives and stupidly don't think of all the consequences until they hit you.
Now thinking about it was was an absolutely stupid idea to think about having under 18's stay over and it should have entered someone's mind but it didn't I guess because we dont look at grandson as truely being a criminal but feel because of circumstances it was a stupid one off teenage thing rather than the lad being that way inclined but we have to realise that how he is now seen. Now poor daughter is trying to deal with an overwhelmed and disappointed 16 year old and keep a lid on the situation. It makes me feel helpless when daughter phones me upset and I have no answers to help her and once again as I have so many times over these past nightmarish 3 years since the knock I'm sat her feeling worried. Now what should have been a lovely day is spoilt.
Oh no, that's such a shame! I can totally see how it could happen.
Could they do something out instead? Not a sleepover but out for food somewhere or something?
Is there a plausible but minor enough story the family could concoct about the criminal record thing? A driving related thing?
I'm so sorry your granddaughter is so upset and your poor daughter trying to manage it all.
I'm dreading the outcome for these kinds of issues. So hard when they were so young themselves when it happend and then having it hang over them like this.
Hope you can all work something out x
Could they do something out instead? Not a sleepover but out for food somewhere or something?
Is there a plausible but minor enough story the family could concoct about the criminal record thing? A driving related thing?
I'm so sorry your granddaughter is so upset and your poor daughter trying to manage it all.
I'm dreading the outcome for these kinds of issues. So hard when they were so young themselves when it happend and then having it hang over them like this.
Hope you can all work something out x
Thank you for replying Starr.
Sadly the girl is Grandaughters best friend and has been told its not safe to go near the house! God they are making Grandson sound like a prowling monster. She's been going there for the past three years & daughter has never left the girls in the house since this all came to light as she knows she has safeguarding conditions to follow. Some of her friends have gone there this evening and daughter just had the Police arrive, she explained that Grandson isn't even there and the girls are now going home earlier before he's even home and the Police said that was fine they had just come to remind Grandson of his conditions and left. She doesn't think the friend has been told the details of why she has to stay away and so is going to say it's to do with her ex and domestic violence and hope that is believed. Grandson will be upset when he finds out hope it doesn't spiral his fragile mental health even lower. Thanks again for taking the time to reply a little understanding from some one definately helps.
Sadly the girl is Grandaughters best friend and has been told its not safe to go near the house! God they are making Grandson sound like a prowling monster. She's been going there for the past three years & daughter has never left the girls in the house since this all came to light as she knows she has safeguarding conditions to follow. Some of her friends have gone there this evening and daughter just had the Police arrive, she explained that Grandson isn't even there and the girls are now going home earlier before he's even home and the Police said that was fine they had just come to remind Grandson of his conditions and left. She doesn't think the friend has been told the details of why she has to stay away and so is going to say it's to do with her ex and domestic violence and hope that is believed. Grandson will be upset when he finds out hope it doesn't spiral his fragile mental health even lower. Thanks again for taking the time to reply a little understanding from some one definately helps.
I feel for you all. The law is really lagging behind when it comes to this and teens.
I hope your grandson is ok if/when he knows about this.
And I hope your granddaughter still manages to have a lovely birthday. I hope your daughter has wine/chocolate/treats of choice too
It's all so hard isn't it?
I hope your grandson is ok if/when he knows about this.
And I hope your granddaughter still manages to have a lovely birthday. I hope your daughter has wine/chocolate/treats of choice too
It's all so hard isn't it?
Hi, I don't have any advice but I do understand the autism and the challenges that brings. Over the years, my children have often wanted sleepovers. I hated the very idea of it, even before the knock. I couldn't stand the responsibility. I remember feeling relieved that we'd only ever done it on a couple of occasions before the knock came. You're right that we can become complacent when trying to go about our daily lives, but really, all this should be at the front of our minds. Complacency is definitely one of the reasons I'm in the mess I'm in at the moment with my neighbours. Just a thought but even if you'd thought beforehand to send the son to stay with you, that would put the target fairly and squarely on him as the friends would know who it is that has the "criminal record". Wishing you and your family all the very best and I hope you can come up with a satisfactory solution. X
This is heartbreaking. The system’s rigidity often ignores context, and your granddaughter’s distress is understandable. Could her friends still come for cake/activities (no overnight) to salvage the celebration? Long-term, your daughter might ask the social worker for clarity on visitation rules to avoid future shocks. Your grandson’s situation adds layers of unfair stigma—support groups for families navigating probation/registry rules could help you all feel less alone. Tonight, distraction (favorite snacks, silly games) might ease the meltdown. This isn’t your family’s failure; it’s a flawed system.theoutstandingsociety.co.uk