3 year old son
Notifications OFF
Hi everyone. I can't believe I am even in this position, writing in a forum like this but here we are. On Wednesday, my whole life was turned upside down and my fiancé who I have been with for 5 years, was arrested for sexual communication with a 12 year old girl. They have since found an excessive amount of category A and C indecent images of children on his phone.
We have a 3 year old son together. I know that I, as a partner, am completely done with our relationship, I do not feel any love for him, it was like an instant moment when they told me the nature of the arrest, that love just disappeared which was a very strange feeling. However, he adores our son and our son adores him. The nature of the images are all girls aged 12+ and he has since disclosed to me that he is attracted to 12+ girls and always has been. Never attracted to boys, and never girls under the age of 12. He said he is seeking help for this and also for his addiction to masturbation and self gratification.
I have spoken to him face to face on Thursday, purely because I felt like I needed that for me and nobody else. I wanted to hear it from his mouth and he has admitted most things but there are still a couple of charges he is denying but I suppose he's only fooling himself. He said he is seeking help for this and also for his addiction to masturbation and self gratification. He is sorry that he has put me through this but I really don't think he understands the extent of the repercussions this will have.
I do not feel sorry for him in any way, but I am mindful that he is still our sons dad and he obviously wants to continue seeing him, however at the moment he is respecting my decision of no contact.
He said if I decide in the long term that it's no contact, he would not take me through court as he has already put me through enough, but obviously I cannot take his word for it.
I have very close family and friends around me but as you can probably all understand, they are filled with anger and have told me I cannot ever let him see our son again. This is not helping the sitstuon in any way as I al still trying my utmost hardest to process everything and try and do right by my son.
Most of me is saying, my son is only 3, so at this age, if I decide to cut him out completely, he is not going to remember. But then at the same time, he is not a risk to our child.
Has anybody on here been in the same situation where you have made the decision to leave the relationship permanently but you have a young child in the middle of it all?
We have a 3 year old son together. I know that I, as a partner, am completely done with our relationship, I do not feel any love for him, it was like an instant moment when they told me the nature of the arrest, that love just disappeared which was a very strange feeling. However, he adores our son and our son adores him. The nature of the images are all girls aged 12+ and he has since disclosed to me that he is attracted to 12+ girls and always has been. Never attracted to boys, and never girls under the age of 12. He said he is seeking help for this and also for his addiction to masturbation and self gratification.
I have spoken to him face to face on Thursday, purely because I felt like I needed that for me and nobody else. I wanted to hear it from his mouth and he has admitted most things but there are still a couple of charges he is denying but I suppose he's only fooling himself. He said he is seeking help for this and also for his addiction to masturbation and self gratification. He is sorry that he has put me through this but I really don't think he understands the extent of the repercussions this will have.
I do not feel sorry for him in any way, but I am mindful that he is still our sons dad and he obviously wants to continue seeing him, however at the moment he is respecting my decision of no contact.
He said if I decide in the long term that it's no contact, he would not take me through court as he has already put me through enough, but obviously I cannot take his word for it.
I have very close family and friends around me but as you can probably all understand, they are filled with anger and have told me I cannot ever let him see our son again. This is not helping the sitstuon in any way as I al still trying my utmost hardest to process everything and try and do right by my son.
Most of me is saying, my son is only 3, so at this age, if I decide to cut him out completely, he is not going to remember. But then at the same time, he is not a risk to our child.
Has anybody on here been in the same situation where you have made the decision to leave the relationship permanently but you have a young child in the middle of it all?
Sorry you're going through this.
Ive been through something similar - although not exactly the same. My partner didn't technically do anything illegal but social services still put in place a safety plan so our child ( also under 5 at the time) does not have unsupervised contact with him. It was two years ago, and it's still in place now.
It was awkward at first but our child loves seeing their Dad, so I put my own feelings aside.
I also ended my relationship with my partner, and asked him to seek therapy (which he has done).
It's a very personal decision to allow contact or not. I did not allow any contact for about three months after I found out so I could let the dust settle. Don't be swayed by what your friends and family are saying - it's your decision as a parent.
That being said - I'm not sure whether social services are involved with you yet. If they're not already, they should be soon as you have a child. They may say 'no contact at all' or 'supervised visits only' with your ex and child, in which case you will need to be guided by them.
Once again, sorry you're going through this - but rest assured you're not the only one.
Ive been through something similar - although not exactly the same. My partner didn't technically do anything illegal but social services still put in place a safety plan so our child ( also under 5 at the time) does not have unsupervised contact with him. It was two years ago, and it's still in place now.
It was awkward at first but our child loves seeing their Dad, so I put my own feelings aside.
I also ended my relationship with my partner, and asked him to seek therapy (which he has done).
It's a very personal decision to allow contact or not. I did not allow any contact for about three months after I found out so I could let the dust settle. Don't be swayed by what your friends and family are saying - it's your decision as a parent.
That being said - I'm not sure whether social services are involved with you yet. If they're not already, they should be soon as you have a child. They may say 'no contact at all' or 'supervised visits only' with your ex and child, in which case you will need to be guided by them.
Once again, sorry you're going through this - but rest assured you're not the only one.
Thank you for your response I'm really struggling today so was nice to see someone had replied.
The social worker came out for the initial visit this morning and is happy with everything, no concerns at all and has said she doesn't need to see me and my little boy again unless anything changes. She said he can have supervised contact but like you say, that decision is entirely down to me. I have told my ex that I need at least a couple of months to process what's happened and although he wants to see him, he is respecting that decision.
My son hasn't asked where his daddy is, he has just made comments like "I'm sleeping in mummy and daddy's bed", or "why is my daddy's room empty" which has been tough to listen to.
It's been 6 days since the knock and today is the first day I have spent more than a couple of hours on my own so I'm just trying to process the fact that I am now single, a single parent, and also everything else on top of that.
Thank you again for your reply, this forum really has bought me some comfort to know I'm not alone in this.
The social worker came out for the initial visit this morning and is happy with everything, no concerns at all and has said she doesn't need to see me and my little boy again unless anything changes. She said he can have supervised contact but like you say, that decision is entirely down to me. I have told my ex that I need at least a couple of months to process what's happened and although he wants to see him, he is respecting that decision.
My son hasn't asked where his daddy is, he has just made comments like "I'm sleeping in mummy and daddy's bed", or "why is my daddy's room empty" which has been tough to listen to.
It's been 6 days since the knock and today is the first day I have spent more than a couple of hours on my own so I'm just trying to process the fact that I am now single, a single parent, and also everything else on top of that.
Thank you again for your reply, this forum really has bought me some comfort to know I'm not alone in this.
Hi, you're doing amazing mumma! This is all so fresh and raw and no need to make big decisions right now.
I initially fully supported supervising contact, but it left me ill. I then signposted to supervised contact centre so I didn't have to be put in the position of responsibility of supervision. Ex kept pushing the boundaries and ultimately every excuse in te book as to why he couldnt sort a contact centre.
2 yrs later he hasn't bothered sorting it or making a real effort to continue contact.
However 2yrs down the line more information is coming to light about what was found on is pc, I'm stupidly/niaeve waiting for him to man up but I've seen how he's treated his child since leaving and the hurt it has caused. Without some serious accountability I don't think I will be saying yes to any future contact.
Child much happier having no contact now as dad was constantly making false promise of a visit soon, then wishing happy birthday and gift on the way for it to appear several month later etc. All heart breaking for a kid.
(I'm to blame apparently for no contact and I'm the bad guy despite me begging for contact and leaving it in his hands to organise, his family/friends have his half of the story and blame me but that's just another gift of this journey!)
I keep neutral about dad in front of child.
Every family is different, it's good he is willing to talk about it openly with you which helps build trust. But this is a long journey!
You don't need to make big decisions now, things will change over time too.
I initially fully supported supervising contact, but it left me ill. I then signposted to supervised contact centre so I didn't have to be put in the position of responsibility of supervision. Ex kept pushing the boundaries and ultimately every excuse in te book as to why he couldnt sort a contact centre.
2 yrs later he hasn't bothered sorting it or making a real effort to continue contact.
However 2yrs down the line more information is coming to light about what was found on is pc, I'm stupidly/niaeve waiting for him to man up but I've seen how he's treated his child since leaving and the hurt it has caused. Without some serious accountability I don't think I will be saying yes to any future contact.
Child much happier having no contact now as dad was constantly making false promise of a visit soon, then wishing happy birthday and gift on the way for it to appear several month later etc. All heart breaking for a kid.
(I'm to blame apparently for no contact and I'm the bad guy despite me begging for contact and leaving it in his hands to organise, his family/friends have his half of the story and blame me but that's just another gift of this journey!)
I keep neutral about dad in front of child.
Every family is different, it's good he is willing to talk about it openly with you which helps build trust. But this is a long journey!
You don't need to make big decisions now, things will change over time too.
I'm so sorry you're here with us in the club nobody wants to be in. My child was 8 when we had the knock. Loves their dad and prior to this was a good parent. I've allowed contact (supervised only) as it's what my child wants and is used to and the one thing I'm trying to do is keep things as "normal" as I can for my child. It's not easy. Often I think it would be much easier (for me) emotionally and practically (supervision and making sure we're following safety plans to the letter) if I had just gone no contact, but my child would have been absolutely devastated. They were inconsolable for the brief time access was revoked and it broke my heart. All I would say is that these things take a long time and if social services are involved there are a lot of hoops to jump through. It's a very long and tough road, and only you know your own strength and what you are able to manage. For me I was going to have all the responsibilities of a single parent anyway with restrictions (SHPO, social services or bail conditions). My person can't live in the family home, has to be fully supervised at all times, cannot go to any school/ kids sports or other activities, cannot go on holiday with them, can't have them for sleepovers like your "usual" separated couple, can't go to family gatherings or anything where under 18s are (without disclosing). My child is never going to have the same relationship they used to have with their dad, but I haven't destroyed or had any part in that (it's the offending that did that). I can hand on heart say I've done everything for my child; every decision has been for them to keep them safe, happy and try protect them from the absolute dumpster fire of chaos the offending has brought on our lives and have as close to a normal childhood as I can give them.
Thank you <3
I think I'm struggling a lot with the fact that because my little boy is 3, he can't really make that decision whether to see him or not, and he has already adjusted well to him not being here. He only asked once where he is and I just said he's had to go and live somewhere else and he didn't ask any more questions.
It's been 1 week today and it just feels like it's been an awful dream and is all such a blur.
I don't believe my ex will be able to do any of those things either. Currentl bail conditions are no unsupervised contact with child under 16, not allowed to reside in a property with child under 16 and no online contact with child under 16.
Even in a few years time (if he's not in prison) I don't think I will ever allow him to see him unsupervised, if I do decide to go ahead and allow contact.
It's so tough :(
I think I'm struggling a lot with the fact that because my little boy is 3, he can't really make that decision whether to see him or not, and he has already adjusted well to him not being here. He only asked once where he is and I just said he's had to go and live somewhere else and he didn't ask any more questions.
It's been 1 week today and it just feels like it's been an awful dream and is all such a blur.
I don't believe my ex will be able to do any of those things either. Currentl bail conditions are no unsupervised contact with child under 16, not allowed to reside in a property with child under 16 and no online contact with child under 16.
Even in a few years time (if he's not in prison) I don't think I will ever allow him to see him unsupervised, if I do decide to go ahead and allow contact.
It's so tough :(
It is tough. My children were older, but I think at age three I would at least consider no contact. I'm allowing contact in my situation (case has gone to CPS) because my children very much want it currently and I feel that ultimately the choice has to theirs. In helping them maintain a supervised relationship with their dad now I feel I'm leaving it up to them as they get older. They're 10 and 13 so that won't actually be that long! I will never reproach them for their choice either way. It's a hard balancing act though - I want to facilitate, but not to push them either way. I've also been as honest as I can in an age appropriate way. I know it's hard, but I think you need to give your 3yo some explanation. There were other factors too - they experienced him as a good dad prior to this, he is in therapy & SLAA & seems to be trying to sort himself out & never reoffend, the amount found turned out to be one small deleted file from one date (which is what he claimed). I would have struggled much much more with the decision if there'd been evidence of sustained interest and might well have gone NC. My family are also against contact, but I have a small circle of friends who all now who have been understanding of it.
Obviously the up side of NC is no SS involvement & a chance to step away from the horror show, in a way I can't.
I'd also add that I ask my children every single time (he comes over about once a fortnight) if they want to see him & they know they can always say no.
Obviously the up side of NC is no SS involvement & a chance to step away from the horror show, in a way I can't.
I'd also add that I ask my children every single time (he comes over about once a fortnight) if they want to see him & they know they can always say no.