6 weeks from anniversary of knock
Notifications OFF
I'm coming up to the 1st anniversary of the knock.
My head and stomach are all over the place. Part of me can't believe how far I've come since those early days, and how strong and protective I've been with the kids, and how much dignity and compassion I've shown supervising regular contact even when I haven't wanted to see my person. I'm still standing, maybe even thriving!
Part of me still can't get my head around what's happened, or rather how I spent nearly 22 years oblivious to my person's porn addiction.
Part of me wants the process to hurry up so my children and I can be out the other side. Part of me wants to keep the status quo as long as possible, as life will be fairly brutal afterwards (financially as much as anything).
I have days of getting on well with my person and finding his company joyful, fun etc. there are equally days when I can't bear to look at him, and I feel we were and are all just background characters to his life. He's so focused on his recovery and rehabilitation it's taking up as much brain space as his addiction used to, which is great. I feel just as peripheral to his life as before, but I guess at least it's for something healthy.
One thing im sure of is the fact I no longer need a person to give me my self worth. I genuinely love and care for myself for the first time ever.
I just wanted to shout this into the ether as I know you ladies understand.
My head and stomach are all over the place. Part of me can't believe how far I've come since those early days, and how strong and protective I've been with the kids, and how much dignity and compassion I've shown supervising regular contact even when I haven't wanted to see my person. I'm still standing, maybe even thriving!
Part of me still can't get my head around what's happened, or rather how I spent nearly 22 years oblivious to my person's porn addiction.
Part of me wants the process to hurry up so my children and I can be out the other side. Part of me wants to keep the status quo as long as possible, as life will be fairly brutal afterwards (financially as much as anything).
I have days of getting on well with my person and finding his company joyful, fun etc. there are equally days when I can't bear to look at him, and I feel we were and are all just background characters to his life. He's so focused on his recovery and rehabilitation it's taking up as much brain space as his addiction used to, which is great. I feel just as peripheral to his life as before, but I guess at least it's for something healthy.
One thing im sure of is the fact I no longer need a person to give me my self worth. I genuinely love and care for myself for the first time ever.
I just wanted to shout this into the ether as I know you ladies understand.
Well done on the shout and the compassion and strength and resolve you have shown
xxx
xxx
Thanks lovely xx
Oof! The thought of the anniversary makes me feel queasy..somehow it makes it more real... Sometimes for a nano second I genuinely think 'No! There must have been a mistake!'.
For our anniversary, I might try and go away somewhere, even just for the day. Not sure how what I'd do with myself being at home. Oh the joys of the journey.
It's bl00dy wonderful to hear the strength that you have gained through it all though.
For our anniversary, I might try and go away somewhere, even just for the day. Not sure how what I'd do with myself being at home. Oh the joys of the journey.
It's bl00dy wonderful to hear the strength that you have gained through it all though.
Having a lousy memory can help at times - precise dates etc seem to fade but I have an outline of the months when the bombs exploded.
All I can say is life goes on and marches forward - each day holding its reflection and stress, but light does creep back in again and we find strength to enjoy it again.
We are an amazing group of people!
All I can say is life goes on and marches forward - each day holding its reflection and stress, but light does creep back in again and we find strength to enjoy it again.
We are an amazing group of people!
Thank you all.
I slept for most of the day yesterday then woke to a missed call from the OIC, heart in throat of course as I called back. He updated me on concrete progress towards conclusion. All devices have been reviewed, he's got a view on what the charge will be, let's see how CPS deal with it.
OIC seems have been honest and realistic about things so far, and quite open about where there have been delays and when he expects my person to be charged.
Looks like we'll be all done before Christmas if OIC is right, and if there are no nasty surprises which might affect anticipated plea.
That call triggered a lot of huge feelings. Relief that things aren't worse, are moving quickly now, and enormous anger at my person, grief at the waste of a marriage, but also at the external validation that my relationship was never what I thought. Having a stranger tell me my marriage was full of deceit, and knowing they've seen all the messages my husband sent, is a lot to deal with. There's no evidence of an interest in children, thank god, but a long history of risky online sexual behaviour.
I slept like the dead last night, thank goodness for Mirtazapine.
stay strong everyone xxx
I slept for most of the day yesterday then woke to a missed call from the OIC, heart in throat of course as I called back. He updated me on concrete progress towards conclusion. All devices have been reviewed, he's got a view on what the charge will be, let's see how CPS deal with it.
OIC seems have been honest and realistic about things so far, and quite open about where there have been delays and when he expects my person to be charged.
Looks like we'll be all done before Christmas if OIC is right, and if there are no nasty surprises which might affect anticipated plea.
That call triggered a lot of huge feelings. Relief that things aren't worse, are moving quickly now, and enormous anger at my person, grief at the waste of a marriage, but also at the external validation that my relationship was never what I thought. Having a stranger tell me my marriage was full of deceit, and knowing they've seen all the messages my husband sent, is a lot to deal with. There's no evidence of an interest in children, thank god, but a long history of risky online sexual behaviour.
I slept like the dead last night, thank goodness for Mirtazapine.
stay strong everyone xxx