What now?
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This has been going on since last June for us. I will never forget that day at 6am when the police came knocking at the door and I was still in bed. I dont know why but my first thought was a family member was dead, because obviously I'm sure all of us are thinking 'not my partner/husband/OH'.
I was told he was being arrested for communications with a child (it was a police decoy) with no images involved.
Fast forward to this week... devices came back, took in for reinterview this week to be told the phone came back with the conversation on and his solicitor has told him to plead guilty. Interview cancelled, sent home to discuss with family, world feeling likes it's ended.
Categorically denies it (i mean the only person who truly knows if he has done it or not is him). Told basically his defence is kind of a defence but not likely to win so he might aswell plead guilty take the low level crime community order and 2-5 years on the SOR. He is back in for interview next week.
Im so heartbroken I don't know what to do. It's so hard when you don't hate the person and you both don't want to split up but I need to protect myself and my home. I still want to remain friends with him (well actually it would just be ideal to stay with him), and keep going for walks with our dog, camping, etc, but I'm worried about the backlash from people thinking I support sex offenders which obviously I don't. We've been together for nearly 12 years, my whole adult life since I was 18 and I feel like i don't even know how to be alone.
Just a very worrying time and it feels so good to have found a forum like this where you can write down your worries and know it's people who are going through the same and won't judge you. Instead offer advice or reassuring words knowing they are going through the same thing.
I was told he was being arrested for communications with a child (it was a police decoy) with no images involved.
Fast forward to this week... devices came back, took in for reinterview this week to be told the phone came back with the conversation on and his solicitor has told him to plead guilty. Interview cancelled, sent home to discuss with family, world feeling likes it's ended.
Categorically denies it (i mean the only person who truly knows if he has done it or not is him). Told basically his defence is kind of a defence but not likely to win so he might aswell plead guilty take the low level crime community order and 2-5 years on the SOR. He is back in for interview next week.
Im so heartbroken I don't know what to do. It's so hard when you don't hate the person and you both don't want to split up but I need to protect myself and my home. I still want to remain friends with him (well actually it would just be ideal to stay with him), and keep going for walks with our dog, camping, etc, but I'm worried about the backlash from people thinking I support sex offenders which obviously I don't. We've been together for nearly 12 years, my whole adult life since I was 18 and I feel like i don't even know how to be alone.
Just a very worrying time and it feels so good to have found a forum like this where you can write down your worries and know it's people who are going through the same and won't judge you. Instead offer advice or reassuring words knowing they are going through the same thing.
Hi Daisychain,
I can so empathise with your situation.
The knock came early February, so we're newer to this shitshow than you. Bail has just been extended for the first time and will likely be extended again, taking it to October. I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for almost 3. We're still living together, albeit in seperate bedrooms. Day to day life is as normalish as it can be right now, but we're not doing a lot together. Partly because he's so low and is suffering with anxiety, and partly because I'm not putting my life on hold for him so if I want to do something with friends, I'm doing it. He was arrested for downloading and viewing IIOC (i still can't believe it everytime i write or say those words!). He says it was since just before Christmas last year, but I won't know the truth till he's charged and it goes to court. He's been watching, and I'd say addicted to, porn most of his life since his teens, using that rather than being intimate with me, and palming me off with crap excuses everytime I've brought it up that we've not had sex for 6 years. That's escalated when it stopped giving him what he needed. Like you with your partner, I don't hate him. I pity him. I can totally see how he's got to this.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you some context before I say how similarly I feel to you. I don't want to, or should have to, expose myself to any publicity he may have. I want to protect myself and my business, which is my livelihood that I've worked goddam hard to build. If I lost that through his stupidity, thoughtlessness and selfishness I'd find it hard to get a job that paid enough for me to survive on my own. I've been out of my previous career for almost 10 years and would find it hard to go back, not that I'd want to. And I don't want to lose friends and family due to his actions. But at the same time, I can't imagine life without him, and don't want to be forced to end our marriage if there's a chance we can get through this. And then round go the thoughts again, back to what else could be at stake. Its like a washing machine full of confusion at full spin. I've kind of accepted that this is what it's going to be like for a while, and there's no point doing anything till I feel ready, or the charges dictate what I have to do. While we're still getting on, I don't want to make life harder for myself. I figure that once I'm ready to make a decision one way or another, I'll have accepted it and things will be less hard.
Many people do stay with their people who have offended, for a myriad of reasons. At the end of the day, it's our life and our choice that no-one else can make for us, but it has to be worth it for the potential consequences.
You're not alone here, please reach out whenever you feel the need, and I'm happy to talk via DM too. Xx
I can so empathise with your situation.
The knock came early February, so we're newer to this shitshow than you. Bail has just been extended for the first time and will likely be extended again, taking it to October. I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for almost 3. We're still living together, albeit in seperate bedrooms. Day to day life is as normalish as it can be right now, but we're not doing a lot together. Partly because he's so low and is suffering with anxiety, and partly because I'm not putting my life on hold for him so if I want to do something with friends, I'm doing it. He was arrested for downloading and viewing IIOC (i still can't believe it everytime i write or say those words!). He says it was since just before Christmas last year, but I won't know the truth till he's charged and it goes to court. He's been watching, and I'd say addicted to, porn most of his life since his teens, using that rather than being intimate with me, and palming me off with crap excuses everytime I've brought it up that we've not had sex for 6 years. That's escalated when it stopped giving him what he needed. Like you with your partner, I don't hate him. I pity him. I can totally see how he's got to this.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you some context before I say how similarly I feel to you. I don't want to, or should have to, expose myself to any publicity he may have. I want to protect myself and my business, which is my livelihood that I've worked goddam hard to build. If I lost that through his stupidity, thoughtlessness and selfishness I'd find it hard to get a job that paid enough for me to survive on my own. I've been out of my previous career for almost 10 years and would find it hard to go back, not that I'd want to. And I don't want to lose friends and family due to his actions. But at the same time, I can't imagine life without him, and don't want to be forced to end our marriage if there's a chance we can get through this. And then round go the thoughts again, back to what else could be at stake. Its like a washing machine full of confusion at full spin. I've kind of accepted that this is what it's going to be like for a while, and there's no point doing anything till I feel ready, or the charges dictate what I have to do. While we're still getting on, I don't want to make life harder for myself. I figure that once I'm ready to make a decision one way or another, I'll have accepted it and things will be less hard.
Many people do stay with their people who have offended, for a myriad of reasons. At the end of the day, it's our life and our choice that no-one else can make for us, but it has to be worth it for the potential consequences.
You're not alone here, please reach out whenever you feel the need, and I'm happy to talk via DM too. Xx