What will happen? I am so fearful
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Hi.Im new here but basically my husband has been arrested and released pending investigation for possession and distribution apparently it was 1 image he sent it to someone to prove he wasn't police but received the image from someone else.He has admitted he has a problem and wants to get help.However I am struggling with some things.
I have PTSD from abuse in my childhood so feel doubly betrayed that he has done this although I do know its an addiction and needs help.
Wwhat happens now I See a lot of posts about people and media finding out- how? My nerves are gone as we haven't told anyone.
What is the likelihood of conviction and how long does it take from the house search to whether they decide to charge?
Thanks everyone
I have PTSD from abuse in my childhood so feel doubly betrayed that he has done this although I do know its an addiction and needs help.
Wwhat happens now I See a lot of posts about people and media finding out- how? My nerves are gone as we haven't told anyone.
What is the likelihood of conviction and how long does it take from the house search to whether they decide to charge?
Thanks everyone
Hi sorry you find yourself here.
The time frame in wich all of this from arrest to charge varies drastically. From a few months to 18 months plus. It also depends on if your partner admits guilt straight away and what they have taken to be searched. It is a very long process unfortunately.
With the media finding out. Court rooms are open to public and press. If the press are there they may pick up on a case and publish it in papers or social media. Again though they dont necessarily attend every court session. It can depend on if you live in a big town what other cases are on at the time or what other news is happening around the area you live in.
It is very stressful when you think about the media so all I can say is just take one step at a time. Take care of yourself mentally as a priority. If you have children social services will get involved also.
Take on day at a time keep coming onto here there are so many people with experience with this and at various stages of the process.
The time frame in wich all of this from arrest to charge varies drastically. From a few months to 18 months plus. It also depends on if your partner admits guilt straight away and what they have taken to be searched. It is a very long process unfortunately.
With the media finding out. Court rooms are open to public and press. If the press are there they may pick up on a case and publish it in papers or social media. Again though they dont necessarily attend every court session. It can depend on if you live in a big town what other cases are on at the time or what other news is happening around the area you live in.
It is very stressful when you think about the media so all I can say is just take one step at a time. Take care of yourself mentally as a priority. If you have children social services will get involved also.
Take on day at a time keep coming onto here there are so many people with experience with this and at various stages of the process.
Thank you so much for replying.I will just have to take it as it comes.It only happened 3 days ago so still a bit of a shock
Hi Shazm1.
You have made such a positive step by joining this forum and having a space where you can speak freely.
'What to do' is right - investigation times are wildly different (as does sentencing) but be prepared for a long wait. Take care of you in the meantime - perhaps call the LFF helpline and look at the courses they provide for both offenders and their families.
The media are a nightmare (I personally think all courtrooms should be closed both to them and stray members of the public); it's pot luck where they choose your courtroom. If they do, the reaction from society/community varies greatly. My husbands case was in the paper - I had some vicious comments whilst he was in prison but luckily my nearest and dearest have gone to great lenghts to support me.
Stay strong.
M-B
You have made such a positive step by joining this forum and having a space where you can speak freely.
'What to do' is right - investigation times are wildly different (as does sentencing) but be prepared for a long wait. Take care of you in the meantime - perhaps call the LFF helpline and look at the courses they provide for both offenders and their families.
The media are a nightmare (I personally think all courtrooms should be closed both to them and stray members of the public); it's pot luck where they choose your courtroom. If they do, the reaction from society/community varies greatly. My husbands case was in the paper - I had some vicious comments whilst he was in prison but luckily my nearest and dearest have gone to great lenghts to support me.
Stay strong.
M-B
Hi shazm1, I am in exactly the same position as you, I feel sick to my stomach and can barely eat and sleep through worry, my anxiety is sky high. I have children and they are teenagers so social services are involved. I feel utterly violated, i already struggle with dealing with my traumatic childhood and now this, I feel like my whole world has come crashing down in front of me x my hubby of 22 years is completely remorseful and is not living at family home as all i can think about is how do i protect my kids from the media etc when this gets out! One minute i hate him for doing this,l the next i feel he needs help. I feel like I cant have him home until I know what police are going to do, and that could be a very long time indeed.
Thanks for the replies everyone I am still numb and feel like it was meant to happen because my life has always been a struggle so why would I think I had the man of my dreams and I had my happy ever after? Who was I fooling?
Also I have busied myself trying to get him help and counselling etc and putting things in place for damage limitation so I have said on fb etc we are divorcing for a different reason so this never gets mentioned to anyone as my name is different etc.
The main struggle I am finding is that we didn't have a very intimate life as he always blamed a bike accident for his shortcomings in that area.Now it is obvious there is nothing wrong and he was just getting it via his addiction and then not needing to at home.Now he doesn't have that option he has suddenly become very tactile and interested in sex with me again.
As much as I am standing by him I feel really angry and betrayed that I am suddenly good enough-He says its because of the relief of not lying anymore and he can have total trust because I didn't abandon him.But he didn't trust me with this! He got caught! I don't know what to do or who I am anymore
Just feeling low x sorry for the rant x
Also I have busied myself trying to get him help and counselling etc and putting things in place for damage limitation so I have said on fb etc we are divorcing for a different reason so this never gets mentioned to anyone as my name is different etc.
The main struggle I am finding is that we didn't have a very intimate life as he always blamed a bike accident for his shortcomings in that area.Now it is obvious there is nothing wrong and he was just getting it via his addiction and then not needing to at home.Now he doesn't have that option he has suddenly become very tactile and interested in sex with me again.
As much as I am standing by him I feel really angry and betrayed that I am suddenly good enough-He says its because of the relief of not lying anymore and he can have total trust because I didn't abandon him.But he didn't trust me with this! He got caught! I don't know what to do or who I am anymore
Just feeling low x sorry for the rant x
Shazm
I can relate to your feeling of not knowing who you are. We are almost 1 year post knock and for much of that time I felt a loss of identity. I think it is that after being in a long term relationship (30 years+) the two identities overlap/merge. I can't really explain it. Your lives are so interconnected. Then, when this all kicks off a huge gap opens up between you because one half of the partnership has had this huge, nasty secret. A feeling of isolation emerges. I am conscious, as with others on this forum, that in the months running up to the knock my husband was distant and snappy. At the time, I made excuses to myself for this.
What I try to avoid is forensically picking over our years together trying to find reasons or hints that this was going to happen. This achieves nothing, although I realise now there were one or two things I could have challenged but whether it would have made any difference, probably not.
Anyway, hang on in there. This forum is a life-saver. We all have bad days and better days. I compare it to living with a medical condition. You have good days when you think 'I've beaten this' and then wake up the next day in pieces. Silly things trigger memories and feelings. I wonder if it will ever end. Chin up, together we are stronger. I sometimes wonder how men would cope if they were subjected to the things we have had to go through!
I can relate to your feeling of not knowing who you are. We are almost 1 year post knock and for much of that time I felt a loss of identity. I think it is that after being in a long term relationship (30 years+) the two identities overlap/merge. I can't really explain it. Your lives are so interconnected. Then, when this all kicks off a huge gap opens up between you because one half of the partnership has had this huge, nasty secret. A feeling of isolation emerges. I am conscious, as with others on this forum, that in the months running up to the knock my husband was distant and snappy. At the time, I made excuses to myself for this.
What I try to avoid is forensically picking over our years together trying to find reasons or hints that this was going to happen. This achieves nothing, although I realise now there were one or two things I could have challenged but whether it would have made any difference, probably not.
Anyway, hang on in there. This forum is a life-saver. We all have bad days and better days. I compare it to living with a medical condition. You have good days when you think 'I've beaten this' and then wake up the next day in pieces. Silly things trigger memories and feelings. I wonder if it will ever end. Chin up, together we are stronger. I sometimes wonder how men would cope if they were subjected to the things we have had to go through!
Izzy, you articulated so well how I feel. So many years married, I felt we knew each other inside out. I would have sworn on my life that there were no secrets, we were soul mates, then boom!! I don't know this man. I am still unable to stop picking that scab, trying to understand why, looking back on our last holidays, lovely times with friends, was any of it real? It can't have been if he was so addicted to looking at porn, thinking about it, waiting to go back to it. I hate it all today. I want to throw every little reminder of our past life away. Run away. Oh but I can't! I'm left here holding it all together while he is away. Sorting himself out, courtesy of our savings for our old age.
Sorry, feeling very bitter today.
Sorry, feeling very bitter today.
Tabs
So sorry you are having a bad day. Yes, I know what you mean about knowing someone inside out. I always thought I knew what my husband might do in terms of letting himself down, being silly or reckless, but this type of behaviour was never on my radar. But I tell myself that we had many good years together which were real and that this issue is just a tiny bit of him, a few percent. That doesn't mean to diminish what he has done, but it allows me to have some good memories of our life together. Otherwise I will start to believe that I have wasted my life with a man I didn't know which would be unbearable.
We are no longer living under the same roof, which was my choice. People say this is like a bereavement but I have experienced several of those and I have never felt so angry or cheated before. Also when it comes to life and death, it is generally a natural cycle - although I did lose a close friend at an early age, but this is all so avoidable. I hope in years to come things will change like they have towards people with mental health problems. There will be less stigma and more help for all touched by this awful issue.
Breathe deeply, put your needs first and take each day - each hour if necessary, at a time.
Good wishes.
So sorry you are having a bad day. Yes, I know what you mean about knowing someone inside out. I always thought I knew what my husband might do in terms of letting himself down, being silly or reckless, but this type of behaviour was never on my radar. But I tell myself that we had many good years together which were real and that this issue is just a tiny bit of him, a few percent. That doesn't mean to diminish what he has done, but it allows me to have some good memories of our life together. Otherwise I will start to believe that I have wasted my life with a man I didn't know which would be unbearable.
We are no longer living under the same roof, which was my choice. People say this is like a bereavement but I have experienced several of those and I have never felt so angry or cheated before. Also when it comes to life and death, it is generally a natural cycle - although I did lose a close friend at an early age, but this is all so avoidable. I hope in years to come things will change like they have towards people with mental health problems. There will be less stigma and more help for all touched by this awful issue.
Breathe deeply, put your needs first and take each day - each hour if necessary, at a time.
Good wishes.
I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate this forum, everyday I feel so alone and am scared of what is going to happen. We are left in limbo for such great lengths of time, it adds to the severe anxiety and stress xx sending you all hugs that are struggling like me xxx