Help please
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The knock came last week. My head is all over the place. I feel so many emotions, scared, shocked, devastated, want to protect, still love. My person is my OH.
My main question is to those who have stayed and supported. What effect did it have on you? Is there light on the others idea of the tunnel? Is this doable?
My main question is to those who have stayed and supported. What effect did it have on you? Is there light on the others idea of the tunnel? Is this doable?
Hi,
I'm almost 5 years into this journey. I initially left the relationship but remained supportive of my person as the father of my unborn child. About two years ago we decided to work on our relationship and we are now at the stage of him staying half the week. There have been challenges particularly getting over betrayal trauma. My thoughts throughout have been that I'm allowed to change my mind; the decisions I'm making are the ones that feel right for now but if down the line they don't feel right anymore then I'll reevaluate. You have to do whatever you feel is right for you and it's ok if you don't know what that is yet xxx
I'm almost 5 years into this journey. I initially left the relationship but remained supportive of my person as the father of my unborn child. About two years ago we decided to work on our relationship and we are now at the stage of him staying half the week. There have been challenges particularly getting over betrayal trauma. My thoughts throughout have been that I'm allowed to change my mind; the decisions I'm making are the ones that feel right for now but if down the line they don't feel right anymore then I'll reevaluate. You have to do whatever you feel is right for you and it's ok if you don't know what that is yet xxx
Hi, sorry you find yourself here. I decided to support my person although we did divorce within the first year as I simply couldn't share a life and bed with someone with those inclinations who'd lied to me so much. I regret supporting him because five years after the first knock (he went to prison, first offence), he reoffended and is about to be sentenced again. Every situation is different and you're in the very early stages of a long drawn out process. There's an online course you can do called INFORM which covers all aspects of this. It might be worth looking into. Most people find it very helpful. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Help, I'm so sorry you're here, but know that this is a place of empathy, sympathy, support and advice. We're all here for each other.
All the emotions you're feeling are quite normal. This is a situation where no-one knows how they'd react until they find themselves in it. One day you'll feel anger and betrayal, the next sadness and grief, the next sympathy, the next all of them at once. The first few weeks are particularly awful, so treat yourself kindly. Eat when you can, sleep when you can. Keep talking to each other. If you have someone close and understanding you can talk to, talk to them. If you haven't already, call the helpline. They're really good, and can give you info on the Inform course. Its a 5 week virtual group course which aims to give you more understanding of what has happened. There's a waiting list, but its worth it.
I haven't yet decided whether to stay or go, so I can't help with that unfortunately. I'm just over 3 months in and it's still too early for me. I am edging towards going though. Some people take months to decide, some people decide immediately. No choice is the wrong choice as long as its the right choice for you. No one else. It sounds clichéd but you'll know when it's time. This is a long drawn out painful process due to backlogs and the prevalence of these types of offences. Take 1 day at a time for now. Xx
All the emotions you're feeling are quite normal. This is a situation where no-one knows how they'd react until they find themselves in it. One day you'll feel anger and betrayal, the next sadness and grief, the next sympathy, the next all of them at once. The first few weeks are particularly awful, so treat yourself kindly. Eat when you can, sleep when you can. Keep talking to each other. If you have someone close and understanding you can talk to, talk to them. If you haven't already, call the helpline. They're really good, and can give you info on the Inform course. Its a 5 week virtual group course which aims to give you more understanding of what has happened. There's a waiting list, but its worth it.
I haven't yet decided whether to stay or go, so I can't help with that unfortunately. I'm just over 3 months in and it's still too early for me. I am edging towards going though. Some people take months to decide, some people decide immediately. No choice is the wrong choice as long as its the right choice for you. No one else. It sounds clichéd but you'll know when it's time. This is a long drawn out painful process due to backlogs and the prevalence of these types of offences. Take 1 day at a time for now. Xx
Thank you all for answering. I really appriciate your help and advice. I will check out the courses for a better understanding and just take one day at a time
I am still with my OH. It's not been easy but we are now 10 months since the knock. I still feel very emotional some days with a combination of anger, betrayal, frustration sadness etc. I have also told my OH that I cannot make any promises for our future but I am hoping we can get through it. Take one day at a time and do what feels right for you. x
We are 2 months since sentence spent, 3 years 6 months since the knock we are still together has it been perfect definitely not!!! but I loved him and you can't help who you love I was in an unusual situation as I was dealing with him having a porn addiction I didn't know existed, my self esteem hit rock bottom was I not good enough? in amongst all this, you were holding the family up, we always remained friends and amicable we are definitely back to being best friends and I would say I am in love with him again although still a little scared to admit that, we did the whole thing my way I wanted the private cyber expert to prove it was never searched I wanted to know he never visited porn again after he seen what he seen in those 5 images, we did the private therapy and he still continues therapy, I always knew there was childhood trauma but only ever got snippets he now attends a therapist on a monthly basis and has released so much he is a different man a different dad so If there is anything good he is a better person now than he could have hoped for having lost the burden of his childhood.
You can only do what's right for you we have begun to heal, we took the time to heal he very much did everything I asked giving the family time to heal also, we are so open now about everything.
Take a day at a time nothing is ever promised and you have the right to create your own path
You can only do what's right for you we have begun to heal, we took the time to heal he very much did everything I asked giving the family time to heal also, we are so open now about everything.
Take a day at a time nothing is ever promised and you have the right to create your own path
Hi inturmoil
Our situations seem very similar. Thank you for responding to me I really appreciate it.
I also love my partner, I am so much in love with him but have the am I not good enough feeling. We are still very early on but he is doing everything he should be as far as we know.
It's absolutely heartbreaking but like you said you can't help who you love.
Our situations seem very similar. Thank you for responding to me I really appreciate it.
I also love my partner, I am so much in love with him but have the am I not good enough feeling. We are still very early on but he is doing everything he should be as far as we know.
It's absolutely heartbreaking but like you said you can't help who you love.
Your post really brought it all back. The shock, worry, confusion, hurt, anger, grief. The early days are some of the hardest. Just remember you've had a massive shock, it will take time to process and understand. Your feelings will be a rollercoaster for a little while. These things take a lot of time unfortunately but the silver lining of that is that you don't have to decode what to do straight away and you can change your mind, many of us have multiple times and at all different points on this nightmare journey. Just focus on you for now. You'll dig deep and find strength you never knew you had. Try to look after yourself as these things really give your wellbeing and mental health a battering.