Please someone just tell me what I'm supposed to say
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I keep getting it wrong with the social workers. I have two young kids and only a couple of months into this. I keep being asked if I'm staying with my husband and I answer it so badly. Because deep down I'm in love with him and want to be with him. Despite the messages he's sent. Much like others my husband isn't attracted to children but has a porn and online chat addiction which has spiraled. But obvs Sw's and police are black and white and telling me no. This is what he is. Am I supposed to just say. No I'm not staying with him or is this going to be worse for me in the long run. Because they are staring at me like it's a very easy answer and I don't want them to think I'm just happy ro risk my children because this is not what this is
This is exactly what I'm going through. I can only talk from my own experience. But yes if you say you want to stay with your partner they see you as not being protective and are minimising everything. I found out the hard way. You have to talk like a politition to win them round. They escalated me to CPP. You have to acknowledge that there is a risk and show that you are being proactive in safeguarding and are raising your awareness etc..
I have lost count of how many times I have been asked if we are in a relationship, SW, school, probabtion, IRO at conferences, solicitor.
I feel your pain xx
I have lost count of how many times I have been asked if we are in a relationship, SW, school, probabtion, IRO at conferences, solicitor.
I feel your pain xx
I separated from my husband, but my impression is that they won't accept "I know he isn't attracted to children" or similar. You can't say there is no risk. In fairness I can see their point, as ultimately DO we know? There are very strong incentives for the men involved to insist they aren't - the shame & the stigma etc - & ultimately we can't see inside their heads. My ex claims similar, but I've had to accept that I will never really know. I'm sorry - I know that isn't easy to read.
You could always say that you are putting all your time and energy into focusing on helping your children adjust to changes in their family life and can't currently begin to start thinking about what your future relationship with their Dad will look like. That way you're not committing either way.
@Sad&Scared- Can I just ask, did SS leave you alone when you separated or are they still involved?
@Ocean this is what I have been saying. I haven't committed either way and keep saying that I want the perceived risk to be more or less zero before I think about what to do with my marriage and whether I want him back home.
It's such a difficult situation to be in. Whilst the investigation is ongoing - I reiterated that fact that we were separated and that until I knew the outcome of the investigation I couldn't make any decisions or focus on the relationship as my primary priority is the children.
Upset mother, don't let them bully you into making a decision before you're ready. It needs to be your decision and no one else's.
MY sons ex wife refused to tell SS her decision until she had filed for divorce. It was at the end of a child protection meeting that she dropped it in to the conversation. It had already been decided in the meeting that the children would remain on CPP but the Chair did a complete U turn when she informed them of the divorce and they were moved straight away to 'child in need' and the case closed soon after.
MY sons ex wife refused to tell SS her decision until she had filed for divorce. It was at the end of a child protection meeting that she dropped it in to the conversation. It had already been decided in the meeting that the children would remain on CPP but the Chair did a complete U turn when she informed them of the divorce and they were moved straight away to 'child in need' and the case closed soon after.
Basically they want to know if you are with him or not if you are they will be involved if not they will close the case which is soo unfair they did that to me x
So what's the best option realistically. We are so early into this do I just say. Yep I'm not with him. But what if I end up staying with him can I change my mind later. Once he's actually been taken off bail had his charge etc. Or are ss going to come back all guns blazing.
Hi,
if you know that you want to be with him then it might be better to follow Oceans advice and say that you're currently trying to focus on your children and adapting to your life now. Ss will likely do assessments with you to determine your capability to protect. If you are deemed able to protect your children then once charges are brought you will be in a stronger position with ss to work towards family reunification if that's what you still want.
Your OH needs to do work to understand why he has offended and what he can put in place to make sure it never happens again.
You could look at safeguarding courses for you to brush up on your knowledge of the signs of abuse. Write your own safety plan for supervised contact with your OH living elsewhere for now, I'd make one for if you are allowed to supervise and one for someone else who is aware of the offence to supervise. What does your support network look like? What your children know in terms of privacy, pants work, appropriate behaviour and online safety. How can you develop this in an age appropriate way? (These are things I'd add into the safety plan).
I ended the relationship but have resumed a relationship now. We are almost 5 years in and doing a phased return home now. My experience with ss has been relatively easy in comparison to others on here but I armed myself and also have older children (now adults) who were able to give their lived experience of my parenting which has helped with ss involvement with my youngest xxx
if you know that you want to be with him then it might be better to follow Oceans advice and say that you're currently trying to focus on your children and adapting to your life now. Ss will likely do assessments with you to determine your capability to protect. If you are deemed able to protect your children then once charges are brought you will be in a stronger position with ss to work towards family reunification if that's what you still want.
Your OH needs to do work to understand why he has offended and what he can put in place to make sure it never happens again.
You could look at safeguarding courses for you to brush up on your knowledge of the signs of abuse. Write your own safety plan for supervised contact with your OH living elsewhere for now, I'd make one for if you are allowed to supervise and one for someone else who is aware of the offence to supervise. What does your support network look like? What your children know in terms of privacy, pants work, appropriate behaviour and online safety. How can you develop this in an age appropriate way? (These are things I'd add into the safety plan).
I ended the relationship but have resumed a relationship now. We are almost 5 years in and doing a phased return home now. My experience with ss has been relatively easy in comparison to others on here but I armed myself and also have older children (now adults) who were able to give their lived experience of my parenting which has helped with ss involvement with my youngest xxx
It's ok to remind them that this has all been a massive shock to you. You and your family are also victims of your persons behaviour. That it's going to take time to process that the person you love has done this and you have lots of conflicting feelings BUT (and really emphasise this) YOUR CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST and so long as it's safe to do so and in their best interests (you will know whether he was a good dad before this catastrophe) and the kids want to see dad, you want to allow that and ensure it's done with their safety and happiness in mind.
Always be open to changes and future-proofing. What will you tell the kids when they're older, what will you do about things like sleepovers and birthday parties etc, make sure your safety plan has absolutely no gaps, that you're willing to instantly cut him out of their lives if he puts a foot wrong or endangers them, set boundaries of what you will and won't allow, what are your emergency plans if your children are in danger (do you have somewhere safe to go, a good support network for you and them to confide in). Have you taught them pants work, privacy and being safe online (consent and grooming if they're older and age appropriate depth). How aware are you and willing to keep an eye on your person for any red flags-do you know what they are and the signs of abuse (there are lots of charities and websites that can help boost your knowledge on what to look for).
Even if in your heart you want to believe he wouldn't purposefully put them in danger you have to use your head. He's done the unthinkable already, he's already put your whole family at risk by doing what he's done, he isn't the person you thought he was. All those things are unfortunately true. And that's what they need to hear. That you understand even if it's hard to believe and is going to take time to process. You acknowledge and u see stand what he's done and that you're thinking of everything for your kids. You will deal with your feelings and future later once you've prioritised keeping the kids safe and happy; which might be much later down the line (when you know outcomes ie charges and any sentencing). And also once you're emotionally stronger as this is a really horrible situation to be in.
Always be open to changes and future-proofing. What will you tell the kids when they're older, what will you do about things like sleepovers and birthday parties etc, make sure your safety plan has absolutely no gaps, that you're willing to instantly cut him out of their lives if he puts a foot wrong or endangers them, set boundaries of what you will and won't allow, what are your emergency plans if your children are in danger (do you have somewhere safe to go, a good support network for you and them to confide in). Have you taught them pants work, privacy and being safe online (consent and grooming if they're older and age appropriate depth). How aware are you and willing to keep an eye on your person for any red flags-do you know what they are and the signs of abuse (there are lots of charities and websites that can help boost your knowledge on what to look for).
Even if in your heart you want to believe he wouldn't purposefully put them in danger you have to use your head. He's done the unthinkable already, he's already put your whole family at risk by doing what he's done, he isn't the person you thought he was. All those things are unfortunately true. And that's what they need to hear. That you understand even if it's hard to believe and is going to take time to process. You acknowledge and u see stand what he's done and that you're thinking of everything for your kids. You will deal with your feelings and future later once you've prioritised keeping the kids safe and happy; which might be much later down the line (when you know outcomes ie charges and any sentencing). And also once you're emotionally stronger as this is a really horrible situation to be in.