Completely at a loss about what to do next
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My husband was arrested yesterday morning. He has admitted to the police that he downloaded some material, but says that it was accidental and he deleted it immediately.
I don't know what to do now. I feel like divorce is inevitable. I'm just about to turn 30, we don't have kids. Even if he is telling the truth, I've been told by the helpline that he would still be guilty of a crime for not reporting it. I called the police officer who gave me her number at the time of the arrest and she said it wasn't that simple.
If it was truly an accident and there won't be a conviction, I don't want to throw away my marriage for no reason. But, from what I understand, they wouldn't have arrested him without good reason. I see lots of people support their spouse through this process, but I don't want to give up having a normal life. I might want children in the future, and this wouldn't be possible if he is convicted of this. We're both men, so would have to adopt.
I feel like my husband has given up his chance to have a normal life by making such bad choices. I don't see why I should have to give up mine. I have nobody to talk to about this, as I can't bring myself to tell anyone.
I go from feeling so lost and sad, crying for hours to feeling angry and hurt, to feeling numb. The numbness is the worst.
While he continues to insist that he is innocent, I don't know how to say that I think our relationship is over. He is so calm about it all, but I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I don't feel like I can wait six/12/18 months for an answer.
I don't know what to do now. I feel like divorce is inevitable. I'm just about to turn 30, we don't have kids. Even if he is telling the truth, I've been told by the helpline that he would still be guilty of a crime for not reporting it. I called the police officer who gave me her number at the time of the arrest and she said it wasn't that simple.
If it was truly an accident and there won't be a conviction, I don't want to throw away my marriage for no reason. But, from what I understand, they wouldn't have arrested him without good reason. I see lots of people support their spouse through this process, but I don't want to give up having a normal life. I might want children in the future, and this wouldn't be possible if he is convicted of this. We're both men, so would have to adopt.
I feel like my husband has given up his chance to have a normal life by making such bad choices. I don't see why I should have to give up mine. I have nobody to talk to about this, as I can't bring myself to tell anyone.
I go from feeling so lost and sad, crying for hours to feeling angry and hurt, to feeling numb. The numbness is the worst.
While he continues to insist that he is innocent, I don't know how to say that I think our relationship is over. He is so calm about it all, but I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I don't feel like I can wait six/12/18 months for an answer.
Oh Adrift. I'm so sorry that you have had to join us. I totally understand how you feel. I am still, some months down the line, unsure about my future with my husband. The problem for me is that I can't just switch off my feelings, not make a decision until full facts are known. Advice I was given was take it one day at a time, don't rush into any decisions. This, sadly, is a long dream out process. There are so many of these cases that the police can't resource it. The internet is a dangerous place. Some go looking for material, some happen upon it. In my view not enough is done to inform us that merely not reporting an illegal image is an offence!
This forum has been a godsend to me. People are so supportive and non judgmental.
Be strong. xx
This forum has been a godsend to me. People are so supportive and non judgmental.
Be strong. xx
I still love my husband, despite all of this. We've had problems for a long time, I almost left him a few months ago as his behaviour had become unacceptable. We've just started to get things back on track, and now this happens.
I don't know if love is enough though. I don't think I am strong enough to do this, to go through all of the trauma that is to come.
But thank god that he admitted to it. I was told that if he hadn't, we both would have been arrested. I am so angry at him that he has done this and put me through this. I can't get my head around it.
When did people start telling friends/relatives. I'm very close to my mum, but so is my husband. I don't want to change her opinion of him - but i suppose that is innevitable. Not being able to talk about it is one of the worst things. I don't know how I can make these big decisions by myself in a vacuum.
I don't know if love is enough though. I don't think I am strong enough to do this, to go through all of the trauma that is to come.
But thank god that he admitted to it. I was told that if he hadn't, we both would have been arrested. I am so angry at him that he has done this and put me through this. I can't get my head around it.
When did people start telling friends/relatives. I'm very close to my mum, but so is my husband. I don't want to change her opinion of him - but i suppose that is innevitable. Not being able to talk about it is one of the worst things. I don't know how I can make these big decisions by myself in a vacuum.
Hi Adrift, I'm sorry your here too.
I just wanted to message you because I can totally relate. Like you I'm similar age, married and yet to start our family. My one biggest piece of advice is don't make any life changing decisions yet, however it's very normal to be thinking and feeling the way you are as I did to.
Have you been able to discuss with your partner what led them down this dark path? For my husband it's been a hidden porn addiction which I knew nothing about. Within days of police turning up my husband arranged to see a psycho sexual therapist who helped him understand his addiction. He's been in regular therapy since and working hard to to improve himself and address his mental health.
Just take one step at a time and breathe. Unfortunately thus is a drawn out process, but you are not alone! I went to see a counsellor and she is guiding me through the trauma. Obviously I don't know your partner or his back ground. For my husband this is his first offense. He is completely disgusted with himself and remorseful but wants to work hard to address his addiction and turn this into a positive.
only you know what is the right decision for you, but you certainly don't need to make any life changing decisions right this minute. Take time to digest the information, talk to your partner and get as much information as you can. The helpline is another support resource.
sending you virtual hugs xx
I just wanted to message you because I can totally relate. Like you I'm similar age, married and yet to start our family. My one biggest piece of advice is don't make any life changing decisions yet, however it's very normal to be thinking and feeling the way you are as I did to.
Have you been able to discuss with your partner what led them down this dark path? For my husband it's been a hidden porn addiction which I knew nothing about. Within days of police turning up my husband arranged to see a psycho sexual therapist who helped him understand his addiction. He's been in regular therapy since and working hard to to improve himself and address his mental health.
Just take one step at a time and breathe. Unfortunately thus is a drawn out process, but you are not alone! I went to see a counsellor and she is guiding me through the trauma. Obviously I don't know your partner or his back ground. For my husband this is his first offense. He is completely disgusted with himself and remorseful but wants to work hard to address his addiction and turn this into a positive.
only you know what is the right decision for you, but you certainly don't need to make any life changing decisions right this minute. Take time to digest the information, talk to your partner and get as much information as you can. The helpline is another support resource.
sending you virtual hugs xx
My husband was unbeknown to me, addicted to online sex. He used this to self medicate when dealing with stressful situations. He had a toxic family and ran a successful business, working with a bully. We are paying for therapy for him, and he is uncovering a lot about himself. But another thing we must remember is it is not our fault as partners, how were we to know?!
sadly, I had no choice about who knows, my husband was trapped and live streamed on Facebook, by vigilantes. He'd had a breakdown, and following this suffered further with mental health. Some of the others on the forum will be able to advise on who to talk to. I have been so lucky to have friends stand by me and support me. But Husband is not here, he had to move out of the area for both our sakes. He also lost his job. Some friends want to support him too, others sit on the fence, and a few want nothing to do with him. It's very hard. X
sadly, I had no choice about who knows, my husband was trapped and live streamed on Facebook, by vigilantes. He'd had a breakdown, and following this suffered further with mental health. Some of the others on the forum will be able to advise on who to talk to. I have been so lucky to have friends stand by me and support me. But Husband is not here, he had to move out of the area for both our sakes. He also lost his job. Some friends want to support him too, others sit on the fence, and a few want nothing to do with him. It's very hard. X
Hey Adrift,
I completely remember those feelings from 13 months ago when we go the knock at the door. My husband was arrested for a communication offence and then released under investigation. For us the forensics have come back and nothing more found than what he was arrested for and he had told both me and the police the truth. He also opened up about alot of past traumas and issues he was dealing with that led him to this one off vile conversation.
I remember being home alone for the day and deciding to get a divorce etc before I picked him up from the station. We then had 2 days of blazing arguments and a whole rollercoaster of feelings.
13 months on I'm fully behind him and supporting him and our marriage is actually stronger than ever as it's made us address all the issues we were ignoring in our daily lives.
We have been lucky, everyone we have told has been supportive whilst obviously not ok with what hes done. It took my mum a while as she was looking out to protect me as much as she could- she was more worried as we are also 2 men and homophobia can be enough to deal with let alone this on top.
I told my parents the night of the arrest as I had a full on panic attack when he was arrested. Others we told over weeks and still it's almost only family and 2/3 very close friends that know.
All I can say is dont rush anything, your likely in for a long ride like the rest of us and dont make any rash decisions- take your time and just see where your feelings take you.
In terms of adoption, you are quite right if you are together and he is convicted or cautioned then adoption is a no go. I thought I had always wanted a little person of my own but actually this whole situation has made me reevaluate that and I'm comfortable that we just wont have kids now- even if he doesn't get convicted.
I check in most days to read posts but dont post often as generally.find i dont have anything to offer in way of support for those with children etc but I'll keep any eye out for any posts from you and see if I can offer any advice if you need it :)
Ttkit
I completely remember those feelings from 13 months ago when we go the knock at the door. My husband was arrested for a communication offence and then released under investigation. For us the forensics have come back and nothing more found than what he was arrested for and he had told both me and the police the truth. He also opened up about alot of past traumas and issues he was dealing with that led him to this one off vile conversation.
I remember being home alone for the day and deciding to get a divorce etc before I picked him up from the station. We then had 2 days of blazing arguments and a whole rollercoaster of feelings.
13 months on I'm fully behind him and supporting him and our marriage is actually stronger than ever as it's made us address all the issues we were ignoring in our daily lives.
We have been lucky, everyone we have told has been supportive whilst obviously not ok with what hes done. It took my mum a while as she was looking out to protect me as much as she could- she was more worried as we are also 2 men and homophobia can be enough to deal with let alone this on top.
I told my parents the night of the arrest as I had a full on panic attack when he was arrested. Others we told over weeks and still it's almost only family and 2/3 very close friends that know.
All I can say is dont rush anything, your likely in for a long ride like the rest of us and dont make any rash decisions- take your time and just see where your feelings take you.
In terms of adoption, you are quite right if you are together and he is convicted or cautioned then adoption is a no go. I thought I had always wanted a little person of my own but actually this whole situation has made me reevaluate that and I'm comfortable that we just wont have kids now- even if he doesn't get convicted.
I check in most days to read posts but dont post often as generally.find i dont have anything to offer in way of support for those with children etc but I'll keep any eye out for any posts from you and see if I can offer any advice if you need it :)
Ttkit
The best advice I had when my husband was first interviewed by police (he was never arrested, interviewed voluntarily and then accepted a caution some months later) was from a friend who said you are in the middle of an earthquake now. Don't make any decisions until the earth stops moving'
I had no choice but to tell people. My husband and I are both teachers and we work within the samaacademy chain, though not at the same school. He was suspended from work nd the letter said he couldn't communicate with anyone who worked for the academy chain.
I I rang my safeguarding lead and headteacher and they have been nothing but supportive. In fact everyone I have told has been. My colleagues all know, but we are a small, supportive team. It helped me them knowing in the early stages as I did not perform well at work for a while.
However, I didn't tell any of my "mummy friends" too scared too in case they reacted against my son.
In regardiI feel lucky compared to many on this forum. I did split from my husband but there was no press coverage and I have no ongoing social services involement because I supervise contact.
In some ways I'd like to be with my husband, but that would involve ongoing social servicea involvement and I can't cope with that. I just want a normal life.
I do sometimes look at the parents of the kids I teach and wonder what they would think if they knew.
I had no choice but to tell people. My husband and I are both teachers and we work within the samaacademy chain, though not at the same school. He was suspended from work nd the letter said he couldn't communicate with anyone who worked for the academy chain.
I I rang my safeguarding lead and headteacher and they have been nothing but supportive. In fact everyone I have told has been. My colleagues all know, but we are a small, supportive team. It helped me them knowing in the early stages as I did not perform well at work for a while.
However, I didn't tell any of my "mummy friends" too scared too in case they reacted against my son.
In regardiI feel lucky compared to many on this forum. I did split from my husband but there was no press coverage and I have no ongoing social services involement because I supervise contact.
In some ways I'd like to be with my husband, but that would involve ongoing social servicea involvement and I can't cope with that. I just want a normal life.
I do sometimes look at the parents of the kids I teach and wonder what they would think if they knew.
Apologies for typos, I use my phone and I can't actually scroll back to check my typing
HI Adrift - what a heartfelt post and I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
I have to repeat what others have said (and what we've been told) - take it small step at a time and don't rush into anything you may regret. Also get support for yourself. Have you spoken to a Stop it Now helpline counsellor? - they are so helpful and supportive.
We have told family and a few selected friends - and all have been supportive and helpful to both of us. But I think that's because my partner has always been a lovely, kind man - and he's earned their love and respect - for many years before he got sucked down the rabbit hole of internet port and started looking at IIOC compulsively (for last 3 years!). It's so freely available online that it's easy to slip into and hard to step away, so I've discovered. But I have forgiven him his mistakes and am quite clear (as long as he IS being honest with me, and I believe he is) that I will stay and support him through this horrible time. Your path may vary.
I guess you need to sit down together and be totally honest with each other. And then noone can help you with your decisions on what is more important to you - your love for each other - or your wish for a family in the future. Only you can decide what is right for you. I wish you both the best and send virtual hugs. X
I have to repeat what others have said (and what we've been told) - take it small step at a time and don't rush into anything you may regret. Also get support for yourself. Have you spoken to a Stop it Now helpline counsellor? - they are so helpful and supportive.
We have told family and a few selected friends - and all have been supportive and helpful to both of us. But I think that's because my partner has always been a lovely, kind man - and he's earned their love and respect - for many years before he got sucked down the rabbit hole of internet port and started looking at IIOC compulsively (for last 3 years!). It's so freely available online that it's easy to slip into and hard to step away, so I've discovered. But I have forgiven him his mistakes and am quite clear (as long as he IS being honest with me, and I believe he is) that I will stay and support him through this horrible time. Your path may vary.
I guess you need to sit down together and be totally honest with each other. And then noone can help you with your decisions on what is more important to you - your love for each other - or your wish for a family in the future. Only you can decide what is right for you. I wish you both the best and send virtual hugs. X