Ready to move on but my (ex)husband isn't
Notifications OFF
It's been a rediculously long, scary and exhausting road and after flip flopping for so long I finally had the talk with my OH that I wanted to end our relationship. It isn't just this whole situation, but other, personal things that finally helped me make up my mind.
Thing is, it's quite obv that he doesn't want things to end and it's hard as we have a young child & neither of us could afford to live alone, but I don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone just for financial reasons.
I've tried keeping my distance emotionally as he still visits every day, I've even reminded him that I don't want us to be together but I'd like us to still be friends for the sake of our child, but he doesn't seem to get the hint and is going on like we're still normal.
I don't want to have to be mean about it, but I've already set my own boundaries, to be honest I'd rather just get the divorce so we can work on things like selling the house and stuff but he never wants to talk about it.
on the bright side, I finally went you know what screw it and booked a holiday for me and my child, I'm a little nervous as we've never been away away just me and them as I've always had my parents around (for supervising contact) but I'm excited about it and I think it'll be good building up my independance from him but only time will tell x
Thing is, it's quite obv that he doesn't want things to end and it's hard as we have a young child & neither of us could afford to live alone, but I don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone just for financial reasons.
I've tried keeping my distance emotionally as he still visits every day, I've even reminded him that I don't want us to be together but I'd like us to still be friends for the sake of our child, but he doesn't seem to get the hint and is going on like we're still normal.
I don't want to have to be mean about it, but I've already set my own boundaries, to be honest I'd rather just get the divorce so we can work on things like selling the house and stuff but he never wants to talk about it.
on the bright side, I finally went you know what screw it and booked a holiday for me and my child, I'm a little nervous as we've never been away away just me and them as I've always had my parents around (for supervising contact) but I'm excited about it and I think it'll be good building up my independance from him but only time will tell x
Hi,
I hope you're holding up ok in the circumstances. The only advice I can offer is to reinforce those boundaries and create some distance between you both. You could look at reducing the number of days he sees your child and therefore you too. When I wasn't in a relationship with my OH I would only commit to him seeing our child twice a week as this felt right for all of us and would be a normal amount of time for the non custodial parent in any normal separation.
I'm glad you've chosen to book a holiday, I know it can feel daunting but you will be absolutely fine and it will give you such a boost in confidence too xxx
I hope you're holding up ok in the circumstances. The only advice I can offer is to reinforce those boundaries and create some distance between you both. You could look at reducing the number of days he sees your child and therefore you too. When I wasn't in a relationship with my OH I would only commit to him seeing our child twice a week as this felt right for all of us and would be a normal amount of time for the non custodial parent in any normal separation.
I'm glad you've chosen to book a holiday, I know it can feel daunting but you will be absolutely fine and it will give you such a boost in confidence too xxx
I want to do the same, our case with SS has just been escalated to PLO and i've had enough. I've told everyone so many times that we are not in a relationship, he doesnt live at the house and he only visits to supervise contact. Ending the marriage is the only way forward for me. I despise him for what he has done and put us through for nearly two years x
Trying to keep hope
I had to check your post because I feel like I could have written it. I went for a long walk with my person and had a conversation explained that for our child financial security I needed to ensure I could handle all my own finances and bills in case he lost his job or got custodial at sentencing. A divorce takes at least 6months to finalise and with sentencing and mortgage renewal looming I was running out of time. Also I was struggling mentally and emotionally as I couldn't get over what has happened and the harm he's done to me whilst we were still officially married and appeared that way to all those not involved that don't know the whole story. It would also make any media coverage much easier on me and our child if I could say we were divorced. I needed a line in the sand. It was hard and a horrible conversation but one that had to be had. So we agreed and I was relieved.
if you have a child together they will need to provide for the child (maintenance) so will have to contribute to your living expenses because I think for most of us it's unlikely the partners would be allowed shared custody with overnights.
our holiday is coming up soon and my child is so excited. I am looking forward to getting away from reality for a bit, doing something nice and making some happy memories; because this long journey has had too many bad ones.
I had to check your post because I feel like I could have written it. I went for a long walk with my person and had a conversation explained that for our child financial security I needed to ensure I could handle all my own finances and bills in case he lost his job or got custodial at sentencing. A divorce takes at least 6months to finalise and with sentencing and mortgage renewal looming I was running out of time. Also I was struggling mentally and emotionally as I couldn't get over what has happened and the harm he's done to me whilst we were still officially married and appeared that way to all those not involved that don't know the whole story. It would also make any media coverage much easier on me and our child if I could say we were divorced. I needed a line in the sand. It was hard and a horrible conversation but one that had to be had. So we agreed and I was relieved.
if you have a child together they will need to provide for the child (maintenance) so will have to contribute to your living expenses because I think for most of us it's unlikely the partners would be allowed shared custody with overnights.
our holiday is coming up soon and my child is so excited. I am looking forward to getting away from reality for a bit, doing something nice and making some happy memories; because this long journey has had too many bad ones.
I'm right in this sh1tshow too. My therapy session yesterday was entirely focused on (a) how he is either intentionally or unconsciously not getting the message (b) how negatively that impacts on my mental health, the children's sense of security and (c) my ability to plan for the future, demonstrate clear boundaries etc.
I had made an offer on a smaller house for me and the children back in February, which he pleaded with me not to. I didn't want to move the children but I needed a clear line in the sand. I withdrew the offer once I'd worked out I could JUST afford to cover an interest only mortgage on our current house on my own salary. The relief was immense as I felt I'd safeguarded the children's stability. He's now saying either he moves back in with us or we sell up and split the proceeds.
I think he's being manipulative - because I wouldn't say that I still think of us as a couple, he's trying to force my hand.
I also think it's part of the same neurological wiring that leads them to behave despicably online - they don't respect boundaries, they don't even see boundaries, they take whatever they can to make their lives as comfortable as possible.
Sending hugs and virtual wine / chocolate / angry screams to all xx
I had made an offer on a smaller house for me and the children back in February, which he pleaded with me not to. I didn't want to move the children but I needed a clear line in the sand. I withdrew the offer once I'd worked out I could JUST afford to cover an interest only mortgage on our current house on my own salary. The relief was immense as I felt I'd safeguarded the children's stability. He's now saying either he moves back in with us or we sell up and split the proceeds.
I think he's being manipulative - because I wouldn't say that I still think of us as a couple, he's trying to force my hand.
I also think it's part of the same neurological wiring that leads them to behave despicably online - they don't respect boundaries, they don't even see boundaries, they take whatever they can to make their lives as comfortable as possible.
Sending hugs and virtual wine / chocolate / angry screams to all xx
Thank you all for your replies, admittedly these past couple of weeks has been weirdly the most liberated I've felt in years since telling him that I want to separate and my therapist has expressed how wonderful that is for me. And I think with me telling my solicitor that I've decided to end the relationship was the actual "I'm really doing this and there's no going back" moment which scared me a little, but I thought there was no point lying to myself about it anymore.
We've tried talking, I've explained so many times why I came to my descision, if it's not this entire situation or SS never going to let us be together because quite frankly that was always their adgenda, then it was other stuff that I wasn't happy with that made me realise that our relationship was just dead- but even now he still acts like it's all going to work out I get that he doens't want this, but I feel like he's not respecting my wishes and it was really getting on my nerves, but he's just had the news that his dad is terminal and while I don't want to get back with him I did feel really bad for him.
I've recently started looking at council housing as that's literally the only way I'll be able to get my own place again as atm I'm living with my parents and I'll be honest, I have a good relationship with them but I NEED my own space and the chance to bring up my child how I want to bring them up (without judgement). For the longest time I didn't want to go to the council because the way I've been treated by SS, I absolutely dispise my local council, but as my job is here and my child's nursery/school is here then I have no choice but to swallow my pride and ask for help from them- even if it is the most weirdly complex system I've ever seen.
Really looking forward to my holiday though, it's only a short little thing but I know it'll give me such a confidence boost and give me some proper me & my child time xx
We've tried talking, I've explained so many times why I came to my descision, if it's not this entire situation or SS never going to let us be together because quite frankly that was always their adgenda, then it was other stuff that I wasn't happy with that made me realise that our relationship was just dead- but even now he still acts like it's all going to work out I get that he doens't want this, but I feel like he's not respecting my wishes and it was really getting on my nerves, but he's just had the news that his dad is terminal and while I don't want to get back with him I did feel really bad for him.
I've recently started looking at council housing as that's literally the only way I'll be able to get my own place again as atm I'm living with my parents and I'll be honest, I have a good relationship with them but I NEED my own space and the chance to bring up my child how I want to bring them up (without judgement). For the longest time I didn't want to go to the council because the way I've been treated by SS, I absolutely dispise my local council, but as my job is here and my child's nursery/school is here then I have no choice but to swallow my pride and ask for help from them- even if it is the most weirdly complex system I've ever seen.
Really looking forward to my holiday though, it's only a short little thing but I know it'll give me such a confidence boost and give me some proper me & my child time xx
Knock was almost 3 years ago. I let him stay for 10 months - mainly because I was scared of being on my own - emotionally and financially. I ended the marriage just before he was sent to prison. Hardest decision I've ever made but for my own mental health I had to do it as it felt like I was going round the bend.
I thought his offending would never go away id I stayed with him. My kids didn't want anything to do with him so I had to choose. I couldn't imagine a life without my kids in it.
Now almost 3 years later I'm taking the final steps to start again by selling the marital home and filing for divorce. Hopefully I can just about afford to buy a new place - and work till I'm 70 to pay off the mortgage! The sadness has gone and I feel nothing for him. I'm now angry that I've been out in this position and would be happy if I never had to see him again
I thought his offending would never go away id I stayed with him. My kids didn't want anything to do with him so I had to choose. I couldn't imagine a life without my kids in it.
Now almost 3 years later I'm taking the final steps to start again by selling the marital home and filing for divorce. Hopefully I can just about afford to buy a new place - and work till I'm 70 to pay off the mortgage! The sadness has gone and I feel nothing for him. I'm now angry that I've been out in this position and would be happy if I never had to see him again
The additional information I received from the OIC a few hours before charging has finished my relationship and I've made it clear to my husband. It's a relief in a way, to move past that constant deliberating and agonising. But it also forces me to confront an even more painful reality of my past which I didn't know about.