Rant! Is it just me
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Hi everyone I am new to this forum and posted at the weekend how fearful I was as we had the knock.
Since then my shock and fear has changed to overwhelming tides of numbness and sobbing and not wanting to leave the house,my Dr gave me a note for work but it is not just work I haven't washed or moved from the sofa etc.Then comes the anger-I know people react differently to stress but my husband is being so normal and it is making me angry- he is going to work he says to take his mind off this and so nobody knows anything but then he is getting his new phone organised as they said he could.He says he is full of remorse and disgust for what he has done and he is fearful of losing his marriage but to me it just seems like self preservation we have told no family or friends and the only advice I am getting from the helpline is take it a day at a time and don't make rush decisions.I feel like I am sinking but I can't stop it.I love my husband and want to help him but I am so ashamed and scared of repercussions if this gets out.
Since then my shock and fear has changed to overwhelming tides of numbness and sobbing and not wanting to leave the house,my Dr gave me a note for work but it is not just work I haven't washed or moved from the sofa etc.Then comes the anger-I know people react differently to stress but my husband is being so normal and it is making me angry- he is going to work he says to take his mind off this and so nobody knows anything but then he is getting his new phone organised as they said he could.He says he is full of remorse and disgust for what he has done and he is fearful of losing his marriage but to me it just seems like self preservation we have told no family or friends and the only advice I am getting from the helpline is take it a day at a time and don't make rush decisions.I feel like I am sinking but I can't stop it.I love my husband and want to help him but I am so ashamed and scared of repercussions if this gets out.
Hi Lee,thanks for replying yes he has admitted that he has a porn addiction and he has made a Drs appt I really want to support him and as of yet he hasn't been charged with anything I messaged the constable in charge today over my laptop but she said minimum 15-18mths before forensics can do it.So its gonna be a long time.I am just worried about someone finding out and repercussions my PTSD makes me overthink and look over my shoulder most days anyway so I don't know whether I am paranoid or its a valid fear.If nobody knows nobody will find out.
So sorry you have had to join our club.... It is a shock when this happens especially when you think your life is ticking along nicely and that security is blown away in a split second. We are in the post conviction phase and trying to get on with our lives however there are still days when it all becomes unbearable and its regular things like sorting the home isurance and realising because of the conviction the quotes go sky high that are the triggers!
when the knock happened I felt this is not happening its a bad dream that I would wake up from but it was real... I couldnt go out for days and one of the neighbours asked my son later that day as to what had happened, he told them it was mistaken identity and they still had to check it out. I work in children services and feared i would loss my job, but thankfully it was discussed with the appropriate perfesionals and it didnt need to be reported to my work. He was released under investigation and from day one he was very remorseful, disgusted and ashamed of what he had done, I told him he had to be totally honest with me otherwise there was no future for us and i would want to move out. We started to access all the help and support we could from the start. Other than the 2 of us my younger son who was home at the time knew, my other son was working away from home.
i kept in close contact with the investigating officer who kept saying it wont be long - we waited 14months before we were informed he would be charged. By this time my younger son had essentially forgotton about and he had promised not to tell his brother anything. Those 14months were like 1400 years, each day i was expecting a call. Going to work and working with other professionals like the police was hard and kept thinking do they know anything...
we did not tell anyone, no family or friends and even now we have not shared it with anyone. It is really hard to carry the burden and that is why this forum is a God send as you can share your feelings and no one is judgemental . You will find the strength as long as he is honest, truly remorseful, wants to change his behaviours and willing to gain the help and support.
i wen to court with him, my sons didnt even know that their dad had been charged, i didnt have a back up plan in the event of him been sent ot prision, i didnt know what i would tell my family or sons as to where he had gone - the only support i had on that day was my faith.... he got a suspended sentence and came back home with me!
dont make rash decisions, take your time access support for yourself and remember that every one has different coping mechanisms and your husband's may be going to work, so dont judge as been flipant.
as you have been given rough timescales, try and maintain some normality in your lives, access appropriate support and help for his addiction as the more evidence you have of rehabiliatative activities undertaken by your husband will be an important factor when you go to court.
keep coming back to the form as Lee has said, we are all here to support one another xxx
when the knock happened I felt this is not happening its a bad dream that I would wake up from but it was real... I couldnt go out for days and one of the neighbours asked my son later that day as to what had happened, he told them it was mistaken identity and they still had to check it out. I work in children services and feared i would loss my job, but thankfully it was discussed with the appropriate perfesionals and it didnt need to be reported to my work. He was released under investigation and from day one he was very remorseful, disgusted and ashamed of what he had done, I told him he had to be totally honest with me otherwise there was no future for us and i would want to move out. We started to access all the help and support we could from the start. Other than the 2 of us my younger son who was home at the time knew, my other son was working away from home.
i kept in close contact with the investigating officer who kept saying it wont be long - we waited 14months before we were informed he would be charged. By this time my younger son had essentially forgotton about and he had promised not to tell his brother anything. Those 14months were like 1400 years, each day i was expecting a call. Going to work and working with other professionals like the police was hard and kept thinking do they know anything...
we did not tell anyone, no family or friends and even now we have not shared it with anyone. It is really hard to carry the burden and that is why this forum is a God send as you can share your feelings and no one is judgemental . You will find the strength as long as he is honest, truly remorseful, wants to change his behaviours and willing to gain the help and support.
i wen to court with him, my sons didnt even know that their dad had been charged, i didnt have a back up plan in the event of him been sent ot prision, i didnt know what i would tell my family or sons as to where he had gone - the only support i had on that day was my faith.... he got a suspended sentence and came back home with me!
dont make rash decisions, take your time access support for yourself and remember that every one has different coping mechanisms and your husband's may be going to work, so dont judge as been flipant.
as you have been given rough timescales, try and maintain some normality in your lives, access appropriate support and help for his addiction as the more evidence you have of rehabiliatative activities undertaken by your husband will be an important factor when you go to court.
keep coming back to the form as Lee has said, we are all here to support one another xxx
Shazm1, I’m so sorry you’ve had to join us here. I am only a few months into the waiting, and I remember so well the early days, being in total shock and unable to function. I had the added horror of vigilante Facebook streaming! I tried very hard to talk to everyone I cared about ahead of them seeing the video or hearing about it. I didn’t eat, sleep, shower or even clean my teeth for the first couple of days!
I am now functioning and trying to look after myself. But still have times of panic for what may come and real grief for the life I suddenly lost. Husband is far away from me, living alone. It’s like a death, but much much harder I think, as people don’t know quite how to treat me, as for some, he is already guilty because these thugs manipulated him. No sane person would stop and voluntarily let a group of thugs surround them with phones and a script, would they? I can’t abandon him, so am supporting him from afar, with no decisions made yet about our future together.
Husband is having treatment and therapy. He is very unlike his old self, in that he is now coming across as selfish. He never was. I’m told he’s being advised to look after himself first. Also I know that he is relieved that his hellish secret life of on-line porn is over. He couldn’t see a way out of it.
I hope my experience helps in some small way. You are not alone. Come back and rant and share, we care. x
I am now functioning and trying to look after myself. But still have times of panic for what may come and real grief for the life I suddenly lost. Husband is far away from me, living alone. It’s like a death, but much much harder I think, as people don’t know quite how to treat me, as for some, he is already guilty because these thugs manipulated him. No sane person would stop and voluntarily let a group of thugs surround them with phones and a script, would they? I can’t abandon him, so am supporting him from afar, with no decisions made yet about our future together.
Husband is having treatment and therapy. He is very unlike his old self, in that he is now coming across as selfish. He never was. I’m told he’s being advised to look after himself first. Also I know that he is relieved that his hellish secret life of on-line porn is over. He couldn’t see a way out of it.
I hope my experience helps in some small way. You are not alone. Come back and rant and share, we care. x
Thanks everyone
It unfortunately can take a year or so for things to get moving with charges and setting convictions I'm afraid. It is still early days and you will be in shock but I suggest baby steps and try to find a normality where possible. Keep yourself busy, meet up with friends and family when ready, set small goals like go for a walk or cleaning (I personally like to clean to distract myself). And speak to your partner to discuss any questions you have when both of you are not distracted and calm. And if it gets too much you can ask them to pause and give you space. I have had to walk away from my partner a few times over things he has admitted.
The change of behaviour might be a coping mechanism. But for my partner even tho he is disgusted with himself and ashamed he is now glad he is getting the help he needs and able to be himself. One of the reasons for his offending was he created a fantasy because he wasn't happy with himself and was in the closet (he is bisexual). I think he got hooked on gratification from anyone. I met my partner after the knock but his friends say he has changed for the better and seems more happy. He is now getting treatment to tackle his triggers since his offending was based on anxiety and stress he was experiencing outside of the online world
It is a take a day at a time kinda thing with these horrible situations. But the forum is here if you need it and the helpline can give you an idea of what to maybe expect with the police and court etc. They also offer courses for family and partners (I haven't been yet) to give more perspective of these kind of offenses and can meet others in similar situations
The change of behaviour might be a coping mechanism. But for my partner even tho he is disgusted with himself and ashamed he is now glad he is getting the help he needs and able to be himself. One of the reasons for his offending was he created a fantasy because he wasn't happy with himself and was in the closet (he is bisexual). I think he got hooked on gratification from anyone. I met my partner after the knock but his friends say he has changed for the better and seems more happy. He is now getting treatment to tackle his triggers since his offending was based on anxiety and stress he was experiencing outside of the online world
It is a take a day at a time kinda thing with these horrible situations. But the forum is here if you need it and the helpline can give you an idea of what to maybe expect with the police and court etc. They also offer courses for family and partners (I haven't been yet) to give more perspective of these kind of offenses and can meet others in similar situations